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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be hurt by their behaviour?

140 replies

Doublemint · 11/08/2016 16:27

braces self for Aibu post

Earlier in the week MIL mentioned she was going to SIL house this afternoon. (I don't know if it matters but she's SIL through marriage, not MILs DD)She suggested me, DH, DD1 (2yrs) and DD2 (7m) come along too. DH phoned SIL to see if that was ok as she has a month old baby and we really want to make sure she's up for visitors/didn't want to invite ourselves over/ overwhelm her etc. We made this clear on the phone.

SIL said her and MIL were planning on going for lunch at a garden centre about 10mins from us, 45mins from MIL and 20/30mins from SIL. SIL said she was thinking of that garden centre because it had a park for dd1 to play in. So in my mind they had invited us and wanted us there.

DH and I accepted and then explained hat as we are totally and utterly skint right now we couldn't afford lunch but could meet them there after they had eaten for a bumble around with the kids. SIL said that sounded great and to call MIL and let her know.

So we do and MIL says to come to garden centre at 2pm. So today we get the kids up, dd1 is all excited to see her aunty and granny and her new baby cousin, she was practically bursting! Because babies are mental a challenge we ended up being half an hour late (dd2 woke up late and needed her lunch then dd1 did a poo on the floor).

We get there and ring them to see where they are and.... They had left! Gone!

Dd1 is really upset and I was fuming. They popped back as they'd only just gone but we had text from the car saying we were running late and would be another 10mins.

I was so angry that this was all their idea and then they go and leave! Apparently SIL had to leave by 3pm but she didn't tell us this!!!

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting because of how upset dd1 was or whether this was bad manners on their part.
????

OP posts:
MsMarvel · 11/08/2016 17:29

Surely going somewhere only 10 min from your house for an hour to see family is perfectly acceptable?? Im not sure what kind of ultra amazing garden centre you go to where you can spend full days exploring...

RusholmeRuffian · 11/08/2016 17:31

YABU. You didn't even leave until the time you were supposed to arrive at your destination. Lateness for no good reason says that you think your time is more important than anyone else's and is therefore very rude.

Iggi999 · 11/08/2016 17:31

The plan in the sil's mind was everyone meeting up for lunch at the garden centre. You didn't want this, so you wanted people to hang around the centre for longer to meet with you. You were then late. You expected a lot of accommodating to be done for you.

laidbackneko · 11/08/2016 17:31

Do you have form for being late OP?
Just speculating.

TellMeSomethingNew · 11/08/2016 17:31

Ok ok how about the fact they expected us to turn up just for an hour and nobody even thought to let us know? Or that they left 30 mins before they had to?

Um OP they invited you to the whole thing and it was YOU who said you would meet after. And they left half hour before they had to so they would get to wherever they needed to be on time. You should try it some time Wink

ElspethFlashman · 11/08/2016 17:31

Your SIL had to be somewhere at 3, and lives 30 mins away and you're pissed off they left at 2.30??

If you had gotten there at 2 as planned, you'd have had half an hour with the new baby, which is loads. After all, you were the one who declined coming earlier.

When you hadn't turned up by 2.30, what was anyone supposed to do???

Greenyogagirl · 11/08/2016 17:33

An hours playtime at a garden centre ten minutes away is plenty. You're making out that you drove for hours to get to Disney world for a 5 minute play date.
Be there for 2pm not leave your house at 2pm.
you expect them to wait for over half an hour with a baby in a place they'd already seen. What do you expect them to do there while waiting? yabu!!

davos · 11/08/2016 17:34

Dd1 is upset because of your family. So be mad at yourself.

Nowhere did anyone say they would stay all afternoon. She has a month old baby. Apparently everyone is ok waiting for you to show up, but her plans and family don't have the same importance.

My dbro does this. You knew you were going to be late when your baby was still asleep at 1.30 or even 1.15. Why not tell her then? Or say 'baby still asleep, not sure we are going to make it on time, are you ok to hang on for us'

I really don't understand why you assumed she would be there for a few hours when she has already had lunch there. Had you have turned up on time, your Dd would have got 45 mins with them.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 11/08/2016 17:34

If you had woken your baby at 1:15, spent 15 mins feeding your baby and got in the car at 1:30 allowing leeway for delays, your dd1 would have nothing to be upset about.

You and your dh let her down. Just own it. Are you normally this bad at taking responsibility for your mistakes?

Is this a wind up?

MsMarvel · 11/08/2016 17:35

Also, just read the op and noticed you say this garden centre is 30 mins away from SILs house. So she qould have had to leave at 2.30 at the latest to make her later plans. Not everybody is so relaxed avout keeping other people waiting...

Original poster
Doublemint · 11/08/2016 17:37

(Whispers) thank you haze

I've just text them Both saying "so sorry we were late and we missed you, hopefully see you soon".

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/08/2016 17:37

You keep saying that MIL and/or SIL "... made it sound as if...". What do you mean exactly? It's not very clear.

My understanding is that you're annoyed because a) you thought you were going to be out all afternoon and weren't and b) because MIL/SIL didn't wait for you. Is that accurate?

The thing is, you essentially 'gatecrashed' an event between MIL/SIL and instead of just turning up when you were supposed to, you were late - for no good reason - and then were angry when they'd left. There was nothing to stop you and your husband/children pottering around the garden centre when you got there.

Why would you expect to be with them all afternoon anyway? It sounds very odd - and possessive. Are you jealous of MIL spending time with your SIL? I ask because your clarification that she's SIL by marriage, implies that you think there's some sort of 'hierarchy' and you should have taken precedence in some way?

You mentioned texting back and forth with SIL but then said that you didn't know they'd gone. It seems a bit of a contradiction but perhaps that's just down to interpretation.

You then said you expected MIL to be with you until the evening? Did she say that she would? I'm asking because your use of 'made it sound...' implies that you're inferring all manner of messages and interpreting them incorrectly.

If you really would have wanted to be there at 2pm you would have worked it differently - or at least not been so offended that they'd left. Next time, make your own arrangements to visit so that it's mutually convenient.

itsmine · 11/08/2016 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sonders · 11/08/2016 17:41

YABVU to be pissed off or hurt, it's really not a big deal! As PP have said, your DD is upset as a result of your lateness - you didn't mean it but you were late. They were probably a bit annoyed and very bored so gave up and went home. Not. A. Big. Deal.

In the grand scheme of things, this is a total and utter non-event so why are you so worked up? I doubt your MIL & SIL have given it a second thought.

Enoughisenough9 · 11/08/2016 17:44

I wish AIBU just had options to tick YABU or YANBU.

YABU

Jizzomelette · 11/08/2016 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazeimcgee · 11/08/2016 17:52

I din't get why no one expects common courtest off the MIL or SIL. They agreed to meet, were texting OP then left without telling her.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/08/2016 17:53

Jizz it's just constant discrepancies. Either it's all bs or op is trying to get the sympathy vote

Original poster
Doublemint · 11/08/2016 17:54

I text them as soon as we realised they had gone then they came back for five mins in the car park because they could here dd1 crying. We didn't ask them to it was considerate of them to do that

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 11/08/2016 17:55

They had left but could hear dd1 crying so came back? They could hear her through text? Or halfway up the road when they'd left?

Amelie10 · 11/08/2016 17:56

How could they hear her crying over text Confused

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 11/08/2016 17:57
Confused

You are changing your wording ever post which is making it confusing.

It was very considerate of them to come back because your dd was upset that you were late though.

HerOtherHalf · 11/08/2016 17:59

Your story changes with every post and fvck me if it isn't the pettiest of things to get upset about anyway.

You turned up 30 minutes late at a venue a mere 10 minutes from your home to do nothing more than have a bumble around. The people you were meant to meet had got fed up waiting and left, yet came back when you eventually got there. If that gets you upset with family they're better off without you.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 11/08/2016 18:01

We didn't ask them to it was considerate of them to do that

And yet, here you are, bad mouthing them on Mumsnet for a fuck up of your own making.

kierenthecommunity · 11/08/2016 18:02

I don't know anything about 7 months old as my kid is adopted but at 7 months old can't they just be transferred into a car seat and left to sleep if you don't want to wake them?

I do know about two year olds though and defo would have prodded mine awake and not been sitting down for lunch at 13.45 when I needed to leave in five minutes time.

I dont know if my child was emotionally immature or what but i don't think at that age he'd have been crying because he missed out on seeing someone anyway. He didn't really 'get' other people until he was well over three. So I think this aspect of the event could be a little over dramatised tbh.

However I do think they could have sent a text to say 'sorry we have to go' tbf