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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off about this?

139 replies

Syrianamal · 11/08/2016 14:24

Moving into new house with 3 girls, one of them has a dp who will be staying a few nights a week (she's not contributing more for this and she can't stay at his). He is also coming over to move her in etc etc. I was kind of hoping that first night would be a girly bonding night?!

OP posts:

LikeIGiveAFrock · 11/08/2016 15:44

how do you know he won't contribute anything ?
Not everyone is a selfish dick

Stratter5 · 11/08/2016 15:45

So beans on toast would be £5, as opposed to a pizza at £12?

Seriously though, I'm not entirely sure OP is quite suited to house sharing. You've not even moved in and you're wanting to dictate the dynamics already. Is this an established house share, and two of you are moving into it, or are you all new to the house?

Queenbean · 11/08/2016 15:45

Bengal

Asoiaf · 11/08/2016 15:45

I sympathise - in my twenties I moved in with my bbf and her boyfriend 'unofficially' moved in the same day (her bed broke whilst moving so he valiantly gave her his instead ... but then he had nowhere to sleep). It completely changed the dynamic and my expectations of living with my friend , and quite a few incidents nearly broke our friendship. I moved out after five months and got a place of my own. I remember after a few weeks when it was clear he wasn't going home again and they basically took over all the living spaces as a couple I asked about him contributing. Awful!

CombineBananaFister · 11/08/2016 15:48

Am with Madamdeathstare on this, its not the financial side that would bother me, it would be having a 'guest' around who I am not familiar with and not being able to veg out in my own home comfortably. Did you know these people who you are sharing with or are they just random housesharers? If they arent your friends maybe they dont see this as a friend making thing and more of a just accommodation thing?

It's difficult because of course people are going to have partners who they cant afford to/dont want to move in with as house prices are silly but he needs to realise he is a non-paying guest not act like he owns the place ( I have experienced this). Maybe you'll get to know him and it won't be so bad. The money thing isnt such an issue, it's the personal space for me. YANBU

Mishegoss · 11/08/2016 15:50

This isn't going to go well. Perhaps house shares aren't for you.

Original poster

Syrianamal · 11/08/2016 15:50

This is really unfair! I'm a really tolerant person, I just don't want to be taken for a ride. Im a good flatmate too. I just don't want a few days here and there to turn in to permanently moves in and treats the house like a hotel - is that so awful?

OP posts:

DementedUnicorn · 11/08/2016 15:51

I think a few people have misunderstood what house sharing is

I think you misunderstood what AIBU is

myownprivateidaho · 11/08/2016 15:51

Erm Syrianamal, it's obviously reasonable to negotiate terms where a couple pays more. But you haven't even moved in, and the girl has been upfront about what is going to happen. She hasn't hidden anything. It's for you to try to agree a rent arrangement you're happy with. You shouldn't have agreed something that didn't work for you, or if she's mentioned the bf since after you agreed how to split rent, now is the time to say that you think she should pay more. If you don't like the agreement you reach, don't move in. But fgs, don't stew silently about it. That might be understandable if it was not explained to you from the start, but it has been, so you've no excuse!

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 11/08/2016 15:51

There is a total difference between someone staying over occasionally to someone staying "a few nights a week"

HermioneJeanGranger · 11/08/2016 15:51

People know what houseshares are OP. Most of us have lived in them at one point or another. And in all the ones I've lived in, people have had their boyfriends/girlfriends to stay over! It's normal.

Nobody paid any increase in bills because, overall, it evens out. Someone has their boyfriend to stay which might increase the water bill, but then a single person might take half-hour showers and use the tumble dryer every day.

I lived with someone once who threw a strop over TOILET PAPER. She had to buy it two weeks running and got seriously pissy because another girl didn't have enough cash on her to give her her share right away .

It sounds like living with friends/house mates might not be for you. It isn't for everyone. I did it for financial reasons as a student but given the choice I would rather have a studio flat alone than house-share again.

dustarr73 · 11/08/2016 15:53

Op i think you are getting a hard time.You want to move in wiht your friend not her bf.Well you need to tell her 4/5 nights is too much.There has to be a compromise.And all this charging 10p for opening the door is just childish.

If op is paying her rent she is allowed to have a say about who stays there.Friend should move in wiht her bf and save all this hassle.

HermioneJeanGranger · 11/08/2016 15:54

X-post.

But your flatmate has given NO indication that that's going to happen! She's an adult who is paying rent and who wants her boyfriend to sleep over. If you don't want your boyfriend staying over then that's down to you, but you don't get to dictate who she has sleeping in her room!

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 11/08/2016 15:57

I blame Friends, Big Bang Theory, Girls, 2 Broke Girls etc for portraying house-sharing as a total screeeeaam. It ain't. It sucks. There will be arguments over rent/leccy/laundry/food/cleaning/smoking/drinking/B.O/spiders/milk ad infinitum. Get out, OP, and get your own gaff. Sometimes the occasional bit of loneliness beats 24/7 resentment and rage hands down.

3littlefrogs · 11/08/2016 15:58

Actually - I do think that sometimes there have to be reasonable ground rules in flat sharing.
One of my flatmates paid a lower rate for bills because she didn't use her room for 10 weeks over the summer. However - her sister and the sister's boyfriend arrived to use her room for a couple of weeks (which turned into 6 weeks) and they wanted the hot water on constantly, spent loads of time cooking, watching TV, left all the lights on and generally overstayed their welcome and didn't contribute a thing. The rest of us were generally very frugal with the hot water etc because we were on a very expensive meter. It was difficult.

Losingmyboy · 11/08/2016 15:59

Girly bonding night? Sounds weird.

Mishegoss · 11/08/2016 16:03

You don't seem that tolerant. It sounds like you have a crap house share experience before and now you want to be a bit of a control freak this time around which is almost guaranteed to ruin this one too.

dustarr73 · 11/08/2016 16:04

I think if everyone wants to live in harmony,there is no harm having a few ground rules.Saves loads of hassle later on.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 11/08/2016 16:08

I'm with you Op. From experience, it well very quickly turn from 'staying over' to living there rent free. He wants to have his cake & eat it too. The only criticism I would make is that you maybe should have got out when you realised this was on the cards. He doesn't want the financial/emotional commitment of moving in with your friend but he's quite happy to 'pop' over for sex/company when it suits him. I wonder how many of the other PP's have either been in your situation/ would tolerate someone staying rent free at their's for the unforeseen future. You sound reasonable but concerned. And your rather naive friend should be concerned too. If you can still duck out, OP, I most certainly would advise you to do so.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/08/2016 16:08

I'd say he can stay that often if he buys us a bottle of wine each week.

Tbh you don't have to move in, no one is forcing you, she's being up front. If you have a problem with it be up front with her instead of moaning about it behind her back then presumable living uncomfortably if it did become more permanent. Why not say if he does stay longer than x days he needs to pay or clean or something?

SillyMoomin · 11/08/2016 16:09

Here

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 11/08/2016 16:20

middle. I'd push for a bottle of Grey Goose and a takeaway. Plus cleaning the loo. Possibly unblocking shower/bath plug hole. And spider removal. Then, and only then, might I agree...

yorkshapudding · 11/08/2016 16:21

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. I have seen other threads on here where people have complained that their housemate has a BF staying five nights a week and the consensus seemed to be that they were taking the piss so you never know what response you'll get!

When I was in my 20's I lived in a houseshare with two other people. One girl got a boyfriend and within a couple of months he was sleeping at ours every single night. He only ever went home (to his parents place) to pick up more clothes. He hogged the shower every morning (I had to start getting up an hour earlier to avoid being late for work) and most evenings the other girl and I felt we had to sit in our bedrooms as they would either be having a romantic candlelit dinner in the shared living/dining room or they would be draped all over each other on the sofa. She gave him his own key and we didn't know about it til he let himself in one day. It felt like it was their house and we were in the way.

I do understand what you mean about "having their cake and eating it". I remember feeling resentful that my friends BF had all the benefits of living independently without any of the financial or domestic responsibility. He was "officially" living at his parents house but was actually living rent free at our house. It's not a nice situation to be in (unless you're the one benefiting from it) and I can understand you feeling uncomfortable OP.

Original poster

Syrianamal · 11/08/2016 16:35

Thanks. Yeah I would love to live with my my boyfriend (or at least to have him stay over a lot!) but we agreed that we wouldn't do this lots (twice a month at mine max) as it wouldnt be fair on others.

We could have just got our room somewhere together (as could this other couple) bit decided against it... Oh well we will see! I wouldn't have minded if she had said he was living there FT and could he pay accordingly or even if he was only going to be there one or two nights - it's the vague three nights or more that gets me... When do you draw the line?

OP posts:

Original poster

Syrianamal · 11/08/2016 16:36

Also to those having a go at me for talking behind her back... This is AIBU. A place just for that! I'm just letting off steam...?!

OP posts:

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