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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIB precious

119 replies

Asuitablemum · 10/08/2016 21:20

Came home from work and nanny, who was looking after the kids, was telling me how the day went. In both of children's hearing (they were on my knee), she said '4 yo has been really good today especially as 1 yo has been quite spiteful today. She bit him once.'

Is it just me or is it a bit harsh to call a (wonderful) 1yo spiteful. And to say it in front of them can't be good for sibling relations can it? 4yo then started backing her up, say about pulling hair etc. Or is this something most people might say?

I'm not really upset by it, it just seemed a bit off. Luckily she doesn't do most of the childcare.

OP posts:

pictish · 10/08/2016 21:48

Don't be the sort of mother who simply won't hear a bad word against her children. What was said would not have been meant as an evaluation of your dd's entire personality and she wouldn't have a clue what was being said anyway.

If you start off ready to take offence at every slight you're going to struggle to maintain perspective.

Kallyno · 10/08/2016 21:49

Bluebillyberry has nailed it.

One year olds can't be spiteful
To call it spiteful in front of the 4 year old does go against encouraging sibling understanding and harmony

Yeah, the baby should not bite her sibling but we don't want the sibling to see such behaviour as "spiteful" at this age.

Kallyno · 10/08/2016 21:53

And if you mean that the 4 yr old was then telling you about the 1 yr old pulling hair as more examples of spiteful baby then you are right to be concerned because he is now seeing normal toddler behaviour as motivated by malice.

I would be having a casual sort of chat with 4 yr old about how baby does things she should not but hasn't yet learned what is and what is not and that he was a super star to be decent regardless.

pictish · 10/08/2016 21:54

I do agree that a 1 year old is never spiteful. It was a daft thing to say...but not terrible.

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2016 21:59

Oh come on - my 1yo would deliberately hurt me all the time to watch my funny reaction! If that's not spiteful (or at least gleefully malevolent) I don't know what is.

I generally agree with you that naming the behaviour is better but I do think you're being a little bit precious.

Original poster

Asuitablemum · 10/08/2016 22:00

Yes I agree Pictish. Not terrible, I didn't frogmarch her to the door just thought it was a bit of a strong way to word it.

My 4yo definitely was listening and started adding to it, yes and she also did xyz...

1yo is 20months.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 10/08/2016 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doggity · 10/08/2016 22:08

YAB very precious. It's probably not the word I would choose but it's not such a big deal.

Doggity · 10/08/2016 22:08

I can't imagine a 20 month old would understand the word spiteful.

witsender · 10/08/2016 22:14

I would feel the same, a 1 yr old isn't capable of spite. I wouldn't want that said in front of the 4 year old.

But it wouldn't be a biggie as a one off.

Tumtitum · 10/08/2016 22:20

I agree with you. A 1 yo isn't capable of being spiteful. Praise the 4 yo for coping with it by all means but no need to label a tiny persons behaviour!

Sara107 · 10/08/2016 22:26

Biting by a one year is not 'spiteful', it is perfectly normal behaviour by a young child who isn't yet able to verbalise feelings. Of course it should be discouraged in an age appropriate way (at the the time, not later), but biting is something some young children do and grow out of. I think you should be told if the child is doing it (not 'spiteful' though), but I don't think you should worry too much about it either.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 10/08/2016 22:26

To use the word spiteful in front of your 4yr old is not being precious. They are your children and you want to bring them up with empathy and understanding. A 20 month old is not going to understand his actions he could still be teething. When my baby was biting me I didn't call him spiteful I would sound stupid if I said that. I told him not to do it and I showed him that it hurt and when he bit the girls I would explain he is a baby and he is still learning. Raising children needs a lot of patience maybe she didn't enjoy raising children and your baby brought back the stress she once suffered.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 10/08/2016 22:29

I would think about getting a new cm if I was you.

Original poster

Asuitablemum · 10/08/2016 22:31

Thanks for all the comments. Interesting that it's divided the crowd. Some yabvu's and some yanbu.

OP posts:

2kids2dogsnosense · 10/08/2016 22:32

You aren't being precious at all. Spite implies a deliberate malice - at 1 year your little 'un is still a creature of instinct - she isn't being deliberately unkind with malice aforethought - she's just reacting as many toddlers do. Of course, she needs to learn that it is inappropriate, and her sibling is rightly praised for not responding in kind, but I wouldn't call her spiteful. Challenging, hard word, - but not spiteful.

2kids2dogsnosense · 10/08/2016 22:33

Sorry sara - I hadn't read through and as a result practically plagiarised your post!

Kallyno · 10/08/2016 22:36

Lacontessa: "Oh come on - my 1yo would deliberately hurt me all the time to watch my funny reaction! If that's not spiteful (or at least gleefully malevolent) I don't know what is"

In really young children it is an exploration of cause and effect. If your 1 yr old hurt you to see your funny reaction then that is why s/he hurt you. Spite is different.

witsender · 10/08/2016 22:36

I think some posters don't understand the word spite...

VioletBam · 10/08/2016 22:40

This is one of those times when people's feelings around a word are hugely different.

OP like you, I think Spiteful is a strong word. Others don't...they have heard it misused so many times that it's lost it's power.

My MIL calls people "Idiots" when she thinks they're funny..."Oh look at him! What an idiot!"

Which is a kind of Aussie way of saying "Daft" but it's so strong to me that I hate it!

Tell the nanny you'd rather she didn't use the word spiteful in relation to your children.

So what if others don't have a strong reaction to the word? You do.

Mrscog · 10/08/2016 22:41

A 1 year old is not capable of spite! My 15 month old bites, he's just a baby learning about cause and effect and probably teething. Some of you show a lot of misunderstanding of 1 year olds!

Memoires · 10/08/2016 22:45

If she had said "your dd is spiteful" then that's a different matter.

SandyPantz · 10/08/2016 22:55

Is it just me or is it a bit harsh to call a (wonderful) 1yo spiteful. And to say it in front of them can't be good for sibling relations can it?

um, wouldn't the OPPOSITE be bad for sibling relations? i.e. not acknowledging that the 1yo did something unacceptable to the 4yo, it's important that their experience is acknowledged!

VioletBam · 10/08/2016 23:03

SPITE is an awful way to describe the behaviour of a ONE year old.

Who is not capable of spite.

Spite means hate....malice, ill will, evil.

At one a child who bites is frustrated and or confused.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 10/08/2016 23:03

Wow, I'm genuinely shocked at the responses on this thread. I consider myself to be a not at all precious parent, but I don't like that the nanny referred to a one year old as being spiteful. Maybe I am precious!

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