To start a FOURTH thread that no-one responds to.

[VanillaSugar]

All welcome to post nothing.
All welcome to muse about nothing.
We know nothing.
We heart Jon Snow.
And Aidan Turner.
And Idris Elba.
And The Game... ohfck.

Now listen here, I've heard of Kynance Cove Church Cove Mullion Cove but never Courgette Cove

STFU Gran

Here's my plan:

Put lube, courgettes and wipes on counter (would love the vodka but am off the booze)

Bat eyelashes.

Say 'I read an awesome article in The Lad's Bible today...'

Randomly touch his arm (both ewwww and tricky because he will be behind a counter)

Do eyelash thing again.

Leave shop with a strut/swagger/wiggle, while he thinks 'She must be a friend of my mum's'.

I'm quite partial to take a break

I'm borrrred

Don't forget the lube, the vodka and the wipes.....I now see where I've been going wrong

Exactly!

I would wager most of the shopping he bleeps through the checkout are just dreary workaday items such as tea-bags, American tan tights with reinforced gussets, toilet cleaning fluid, Anusol haemorrhoid cream, etc.

What YOU need to do is buy sexier items. Items that will get his imagination working overtime a bit. Courgettes (great suggestion, Portia!), baby oil, lubes, sexy booze (think Finnish vodka, Pina Coladas rather than Tennent's' Super), ribbed condoms super-size.

You get the drift....

but never Courgette Cove

Never had a courgette in your cove? You HAVE lived a sheltered life!

What can I buy in my local Morrisons

STFU Gran

OMG!! Great meme :)

AGL. Buy a copy. Also Love It! And That's Life! (is it really? Is it really?! Such a chirpy title for the content within...). That's Life! has the best comps. Not that I ever buy them because I spend my time reading Dostoy er, dostey--, er - big books by Russian guys.

I want to take you shopping so I can watch you loudly criticise the magazines

But NOBODY is as critical of every single TV advert as I am

Here's my plan:

Put lube, courgettes and wipes on counter (would love the vodka but am off the booze)

Very good.

Bat eyelashes

Great. Remember to pile on the mascara and add false lashes if you need to.

Say 'I read an awesome article in The Lad's Bible today...'

Uh-huh. Good.

Randomly touch his arm (both ewwww and tricky because he will be behind a counter)

You could sort of "trip" on your way to counter and kind of let something (the lube?) kind of go off the counter onto his side (almost into his lap) and lean over to "catch" it, making sure he cops an eyeful of your unbuttoned top/Wonderbra? That way you were "only" trying to stop your shopping falling into his crotch, not after a grope.

Do eyelash thing again

Yep. Can't do enough of that. Well, not so much that he thinks there is a bit of grit in there! Unless you want to try the "I've got something in my eye routine", but I think that's just a bit advanced for you right now.

Leave shop with a strut/swagger/wiggle, while he thinks 'She must be a friend of my mum's'

That's the stuff. He will think you're a MILF. Why not?

I'm borrrred

You wouldn't be bored if you'd share some of your flirting secretes AGL.

Come on! There's enough hot young men to go around, isn't there?!

SECRETS FFS*

Not secretes (getting a bit ahead of myself there!!!!!)

AGL

This

Durex Lubricant Feel 50ml

is on offer in Morrison's right now!!!!

Fucking hell toad

AGL. Don't. Please don't. I haaaaaaaatttttttteeeee that invisible guy in the 'Secret Escapes' ad who says: 'Who are you talking to, darling'? I've never seen him, I never will see him, but I know I would just despise him. Can't explain it, just would. Please start a thread on adverts; I could go on all day but have stuff to do (mainly cleaning flat because passive aggressive ex will be here in a few hours to see DS and likes to casually 'swipe' surfaces with his finger and then frown at it). Who I also despise (ex, not DS)

That's Life! (is it really? Is it really?! Such a chirpy title for the content within...). That's Life! has the best comps

I know what you mean. It reads more like Greek tragedy, doesn't it?

The "That's Life" of my old-school yoof was more Esther Rancid and that that Cyril fellow on TV.

Not that I ever buy them because I spend my time reading Dostoy er, dostey--, er - big books by Russian guys

Of course. I believe you like to Chekov (check-off) the Russian writers and it's not just a Tolstoy (tall story) haha.

I'm going with staff, I can't buy that

You toads and your secretions.... 'Secrete Escapes' - now I could tolerate that advert!

When ex has been (does he think he's on four in a bed?), we can discuss adverts in detail here - it'll fill up the thread!

Get cleaning!

passive aggressive ex will be here in a few hours to see DS and likes to casually 'swipe' surfaces with his finger and then frown at it)

The cheeky sod! Can't you keep him on the doorstep? He has no bloody right to come into your home and do that

toad. I have no-one in my social circle who could make a Tolstoy pun, but now I have you! I will use it (possibly to embarrassing effect and most certainly not on Co Op Boy)

I don't mind really. Little things like that are great reminders of what a complete arse he is. I still have the occasional 3am wobble, but watching 'Swiper swiping' gives me a little lip twitch (my mouth, Toad, my mouth)

I will use it (possibly to embarrassing effect and most certainly not on Co Op Boy)

Let's face it, Jess you aren't after that young laddie for anything but his body, amirite?

AGL. I vill be back (iPad doesn't like me chanelling Arnie). This is my fave thread on MN right now. Plus need to buy more 'essential items'. Might wash hair first.