To think that having a child doesn't absolve you from making an effort with friends?

[Overthinker2016]

Many of my friends are married with children.

I get that their priorities are different from mine now. I get that they are "busier" than childless me (although busy is a bit subjective I think). I am happy to spend time with their children and/or OH for what it's worth (if I was invited to!)

However AIBU to think they should still make a bit of an effort to keep in touch? One friend in particular has been coming back to me with dates since about February .

Do I cut them some slack and just keep on being the one making the effort or just stop and lose some otherwise very nice friends.

Before kids I had lots of friends in different groups and I must be honest now I've got DC (3 & 6 year olds) I'm just plain exhausted.

I love my friends dearly but I just can't fit them in, I try my best but my life is just so full of other stuff (work, kids, school, housework, washing, finances, parents, DIY, the list goes on) I can't do it. The difference of doing washing for one person living alone to a family of 4 is phenomenal, it's my nemesis!

I organise to go round to their houses for coffee on an evening but when it comes round to it I've already had a none stop 14 hour day Im dead on my feet and just don't want to be there.

I've one friend constantly wanting to go out for meals and cocktails and quite frankly I'd rather boil my head and feel so shit saying no. I'm usually in bed at 9.30 staying up until midnight fucks me up!

I don't seem to struggle with significant events, girls weekends away, birthday night out etc things booked in advance for a sat or sun it's the daily/weekly contact I struggle with.

Most of my friends get it and with social media we muddle through.

You don't think they are busy?

Ha, ha, hahahahahahaha

Moving That's not what she said at all

I do think parents are busy.

However some parents do seem to be able to be social others aren't.

So I don't think being a parent automatically makes you so busy it precludes you from having childless friends. And making a bit of effort with them.

I agree OP.
I have always made time for friends.
All parents are too busy? Really? Why? What actually needs doing?
This I'm so busy martyrdom really gets on my nerves.

Yep do try and ask her - and also say you'll understand if she has to break off mid conversation many times to wipe a nose/prepare food/stop toddler from killing itself. And say you're not expecting her to lay on any food etc. Basically make it as easy for her as possible. You might feel that's unfair but if you can't do it on those terms she may well not be able to see you.

It's not really about "different priorities" - she would probably love to have an evening of cocktails with you, given the choice! It's more that she no longer has a choice...

Think of it this way

I'm quite an introvert and I have a certain amount of brain space. Before kids: work, rest my brain in quiet, do things at my own pace, enjoy socialising.

After kids: well they talked all the time so there is no down time. And all the guff that needs doing, I am behind with because I keep trying to zone out.

No way do I have the time or inclination to spend one second of my precious time with someone who thinks of their friends as absolving themselves from the work of keeping up with YOU!

Generally, in my years of being on MN, when it comes to friendships and relationships, the general consensus is that if someone is important to you, that you value the, or love them, you make the time for them. That doesn't necessarily mean seeing them all the time, but you might find five minutes to phone them now and again, send them some texts.

Felco Where has anyone, including the OP, said it was about the parent keeping up with the non-parent? The OP hasn't ever complained about friends no longer being able to go for cocktails - only the assumption that OTHER people (like you) seem to think that childless or childfree people have nothing but fun and out getting pissed. Projecting much???

However some parents do seem to be able to be social others aren't.

It's priorities and more important different personalities isn't it. Some parents will be more social because they're that way inclined, others won't because they're more introverted. I knew a couple who once their baby was a few months old would go to the grandparents every weekend and usually during that spare time they would be out socialising.

There's nothing wrong with that but it's not for everyone. On the odd occasion our dc go to grandparents we usually spend the spare time doing odd jobs around the house, catching up on laundry, having a rare lie in or taking some time to recover from the drudgery that is sometimes known as parenting.

Maybe some people find it easier than others but It's hard to fit everything in without completely losing your mind. Especially when you know there are people out there thinking you should be doing better when you're already doing your best.

*importantly not important

"I'm quite an introvert and I have a certain amount of brain space. Before kids: work, rest my brain in quiet, do things at my own pace, enjoy socialising.

After kids: well they talked all the time so there is no down time. And all the guff that needs doing, I am behind with because I keep trying to zone out."

YY to this.

oblomov I don't think anyone has said all parents are too busy, have they?

I know plenty of parents who have family close by and/or the resources to pay for babysitters as often as they fancy. I also know plenty of parents who don't have family and/or are skint. Guess which group socialises more?!

^yes to this^^
Some parents have lots of help from the moment their dc are born. Of course that makes a big difference to their social life and state-of-mind.

YANBU.

When my children were little, I was very tired. Not the kind of tired that comes from working hard at a job, the kind of tired that comes from exercising, but the kind of tiredness that comes from interrupted sleep and early morning for years. And the kind of tiredness that comes from relentless demands being placed on you.

Agree about the introversion thing too.

imwithspud That is true! DH and I used to spend most evenings at home before having the DCs, now we go out very rarely as it is such an effort (+ babysitting costs) and we are quite happy to stay in anyway.

To the OP, I have a couple of childless friends who invite themselves to my place, I love it and I am so grateful that they are making the effort. Yes, most of the time they initiate contact, it is not that I don't value them as friends, just that I always think about calling them at the wrong time, like when I am in the shower, or giving the children their bath, and then I forget. Or I have just put the children in bed and I am too exhausted and don't want to speak to anybody, just lay on the couch. I feel bad about it though.

I do think the onus is on both sides. Friendships are important, and a lot of parents do declare their old friends "just don't want to see them" when they don't make the effort either. (And yes, I've been the exhausted parent of toddlers too!)

This is really making me appreciate my friends. I'm pregnant and DH was away for a lot of early pregnancy, my friends, including those with children made a real effort to make sure that I wasn't lonely including inviting me on family days out at the weekend. It's worked out well as my best friends children who are 1 and just turned 3, now know me reasonably well. I go out swimming with her some evenings and either meet at the pool or go to their house, help with bathtime while she gets ready and then head out. I'm braving actual baby sitting for them later this week, which given their normal ability to stay awake after bedtime could be fun! I can see how it would be easier just to drop friends in this situation and I really appreciate that she hasn't. She and a couple of other friends have braved my toddler unfriendly house for a cup of tea on the weekend too - I have paper they can scribble on, books to look at and a trampoline in the garden, they bring toys and anything else they expect to need and keep a very close eye on the kids.
In return I do try to fit round mealtimes, swimming lessons and so on.

I think you sound absolutist lovely op. What a kind person.

The thing is though having kids just fills your head and heart and when they are little it's just so all consuming and knavkering. I have seen my oldest son and dil turn virtually overnight from party animals to zombies of lack of sleep and the general chaos and wonder babies bring. just like me and dh did.

When my older ones were little I was dropped by most of my child free mates as I was a young mum and they still could party etc. They didn't get it at all. I understood that.

My other children I had later and I think i was different as felt more confident and capable and so able to look past the early years and make time for my friends.

People with little kids are generally terrified of child free houses and you can't relax incase they paint the walls etc that's why new parents and those with little kids tend to chum up as you all understand. Honestly friends visiting can be so stressful as a good chat is constantly interrupted or you are putting a child to bed and are stressed that your friend is sat downstairs alone.

I totally get child free people are busy,of course they are,but having kids isn't just being busy it's total relentless overwhelming head filling 24 hour busy and for lots of people that's as much as they can cope with and friends do take a back place for a while.

In my experience the main factor a lowing parents to be sociable (along with money)is the presence of a willing and able partner. My dp is perfectly capable of putting the kids to bed and only infrequently works away so it's relatively easy for me to get out. After a long day with the kids I want nothing more than to sit in a bar with a glass of wine!

Oblomov, I have 3 DC aged 1-8 yrs and I get no help with childcare, baby is a crap sleeper and I'm trying to finish the house, I don't even have it bad.
My SIL has 3 DC one of whom has cancer and obviously requires lots of hospital treatment - I'll give you a guess how busy she is.

I haven't socialised since July 12th, before that we around June 10th, However if I had a friend trying to meet up then I would probably make the effort or invite them around.

Have you thought about inviting her to the park for a picnic? I would probs manage that.

Absolutely not saying this is you op but when you are a new parent or first time one you can often feel judged by child free folk who see kids in films and soaps eat their tea, slash in the bath, have a story and settle with a night night mummy I
Love you. And then go to sleep!

The reality is somewhat different. No way would I have wanted an audience to my zoo of bedtime antics