To think that having a child doesn't absolve you from making an effort with friends?

[Overthinker2016]

Many of my friends are married with children.

I get that their priorities are different from mine now. I get that they are "busier" than childless me (although busy is a bit subjective I think). I am happy to spend time with their children and/or OH for what it's worth (if I was invited to!)

However AIBU to think they should still make a bit of an effort to keep in touch? One friend in particular has been coming back to me with dates since about February .

Do I cut them some slack and just keep on being the one making the effort or just stop and lose some otherwise very nice friends.

Special But I'm not a parent which means I never do anything remotely exhausting or have any idea what tired REALLY means that would require my having a doze...

On the other hand my two best and longest froends are now thinking of having kids and I can't wait! Because I know how to help. God love them for all their best intentions they didn't get it as I went through it and didn't really know how to help. I always felt embarrassed at being boring and unfocused when they'd visit. They'd offer to hold the baby but be very unsure if he or she started to whinge (which inevitably started after 5 mins max). But now I know when they have babies I'll be dying for a hold and be well able to send them off to bed and take baby out for a walk or whatever with confidence. Wouldn't have had a clue if I hadn't had my own.

I am the person who abandoned all my pre-child friends. Sorry. It was just too much hard work. They were all at work all day and the moment they were free from the shackles of work (5ish?) was the absolute witching hours for me. Tired children, the disintegration of any order I had established during that day, feeding them, bathing them, putting them to bed. Then finally I reached that nirvana-like moment when they were elsewhere and quiet and all I wanted to do was cook and eat a meal and stare at a wall/have a bath/read a book/watch tv/pay the bills. When I did manage to go out, I honestly had nothing to say. Friends would ask "what's new in your life" and I would have nothing to say that wasn't child-centred or irrelevant. And then I would want to leave earlier than everyone else because I wanted to go to bed earlier (in the full and complete knowledge of my inevitable early start). Friends who offered to pop in after work (or who simply turned up) were faced with my early evening chaos. Parenting put me in a different time zone to child-free friends. I had to make mum friends because they were the only people available at the same time of day as me. They also had the bonus of having homes that my children could play in without stress and/or the magnificent bonus of having children who would play with mine, thus leaving us grown-ups alone to drink tea and have a conversation together. They also understood that if you invite a family over for a weekend "lunch" then not managing to produce food until past 3pm will lead to pain. Lots of little things. And no matter how considerate and child-friendly you are, I just don't think anyone (especially me) can appreciate the difference between child-free and child-encumbered life.

Still Excellent! Then you can come after bedtime, I'll kick DH out and we can have a drink. Not wine though, hate the stuff. How does spiced whiskey sound?

I can try and be more specific about when I would like to pop over.

Re "busyness" - yes completely appreciate parents are busy and don't get much downtime. I'm genuinely not underestimating that.

I do think I'm busy myself too though - I have a FT job which demands unpaid overtime ie I never just work 9 till 5. I also spend at least another two evenings a week on a volunteering activity for my local community.

Clearly having children is pretty relentless - I get that, but childless people are not sitting around twiddling their thumbs in my experience. Probably going to get flamed for this now but it rips my knitting that the assumption is that my life just cocktails and shopping.

I'm often that friend to be honest.

I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old so time to myself is non existent - plus I EBF.

In my defence I can't drive so I'd probably have to take them both into town to meet someone. I do keep in contact via messages etc though.

It doesn't mean someone doesn't care if you don't meet up.

It must be frustrating though but not much you can do really.

When mine were little, I just didn't have the headspace to cope with some of my friendships. It wasn't because I'm a miserable, lazy friend it was because I was hormonal and knackered!

My oldest friend once told me she knew exactly how tired I was as she worked hard too. She didn't really get that I knew the difference between working hard tired and waking up a billion times a night, hormonally ravaged, baby tired. And I found being a mum to newborns relatively easy! Just bear in mind that, for some parents, the last thing they want to do at the end of a day of baby caring and work/home responsibilities is have to make conversation. They just want to lie on the sofa and chill out.

If her friendship is important to you, I would cut her some slack and be patient. Otherwise, I would chalk it down to experience and move on. But don't automatically presume she's a lazy arse or terrible friend.

I'm probably abnormally unsociable but for me once I had children going out in the evening wasn't nearly as appealing as it used to be. I'd simply much rather rest in front of the tv or browse the web than get ready to go out for the night. I guess it is a combination of lack of energy at the end of the day and different priorities.

This is me too. Suspected ASD and depression/anxiety don't help and leave me feeling totally overwhelmed come the end of the day where all I want to do is sit and watch trash on tv or lose myself on the Internet rather than go out and physically interact with people. But even without those things I don't think I'd be massively different. I am an introvert at heart.

I try and make an effort with friends, not nearly enough as I feel should. Worrying about it takes up a fair bit of head space.

To sum it up, it is totally chaotic!

But I am slowly trying to put things in place so that I can still be me and a friend to my friends as much as possible. I've 3 under 4 and have spent 3 pregnancies in 3 years vomiting my guts up daily while wanting to die. In the brief interlude between each I've had a newborn and recovery from labour and the second I started to feel human again each time I stupidly thought....maybe we should have another.

Quite I guess you must have had shitty friends. The one friend I have who is child free, if she popped in during the chaos hour, she'd pitch in and help. She loved feeding my babies (I did BLW but who cares?) and she'd entertain my son while I breastfed.

In return I'd arrange for mum for MIL to watch the DC and treat her to lunch.

She has a DD of her own now, so things are obviously different.

The rest of my child free friends, including my best friend I'd known since I was four, dumped me.

I'm always happy for friends to visit though.

Re: her not inviting you maybe she's embarrassed to show how much she is struggling / doesn't want you to feel you need to step in? Had a friend like that before DC.

Special Vile. I'll bring cider.

Sarcasm Obviously there will be some childless/childfree friends who don't get it, will never get it, not want to get it. But at the same time, those of us who do get it, and try and keep in touch, and do understand, are happy just to pop in for a cuppa, can feel like basically we're surplus to requirements and basically, ditched, for doing nothing wrong, and that all the years being supportive and good friends can just be thrown away. Can make you feel like, actually, the people you thought were friends, actually weren't. And that's quite sad. I have a friend who last year adopted an eight-year old with her partner. I had a text on my birthday and a very brief text when my beloved Nan died (and this friend knew how close we were). This is someone for whom I was always there in every crisis, with every bloke, with every family row, when she was ill. It is sad to think that now, all that is forgotten and I'm more or less chucked on the heap.

Of course it's not cocktails and shopping (unless you want it to be) - stop setting people up as idiots then knocking them down.

You have a friend who is snowed under for a few years and right now she hasn't got time for you. Look at your thread title: you seem to see this as her responsibility to fix. Well, it isn't.

Agree with glinda and the others who say that there can often just not be enough hours in the day. Also - and this may well not be you - but I've found that when some friends who don't have kids come over, they are more hard work than friends who have kids. They don't mean to be and I'm sure they think they like my kids and are good with them, but they just have this way of expecting my full attention which I can't give them when the DC are around, or even when DC are in bed and need checking on now and again. Even chatting gets unnecessarily stressful as I'm not always able to focus fully on them and then it's awkward - I feel rude, they feel ignored, everyone's making out it's fine. It's honestly not that they're demanding or I'm an overly-attentive parent, it's really subtle, can even just be a matter of eye-contact or conversation quality, but it's unmistakable and has happened with at least three child-free friends. So sorry, but I wouldn't be thrilled if one invited themselves over even if they brought cake. In the rare spare moments I get between kids, work and marriage maintenance, I mainly want to flake out.

I have a 2 dcs under 4, and have today at the last minute had to cancel 2 meet ups with friends because DH has been delayed travelling. He's been away for a week, and this is not unusual so I have very little child free time to meet up at the best of times. One of the meet ups has taken months to arrange because of this. I expect my friends are as Pissed off as you are, but it isn't my fault and I am desperate for a break. Neither have dcs, and consider themselves 'busy' but actually they aren't as they have every evening and every weekend to do whatever they want.

I struggle to get a babysitter as well as all the of the people I used to rely on have taken part time nanny roles so are no linger free to baby sit.

Be sympathetic, the early years can be very isolating unless you have family near by to help.

StIllDrSeth - yes exactly this. I could not agree more. I can think of at least one or two friends who I feel I have been a very supportive friend to but are now just not interested whatsoever. I was there for them when they were navigating their way through life to get to where they are now - obviously very happy now with a husband and baby. I'm happy for them but I also feel a little bit used.

Sorry Felco, who am I knocking down?

Confused.

Come over to mine instead!

Really, I got dropped by pretty much all my single friends. Cos I'm not involved with the inter office bitching any more and I can't risk a Saturday morning hangover, I'm yesterday's news.

You really do learn who your friends are. I'd love it if one or two of them would offer to come visit, or heaven forbid invite us over. But o get why you wouldn't want a bored three year old in your perfect flat

Justwant Well, Special did invite me first. Can you fit me in later in the week?

The difference with someone who works FT and a full time parent is you are eventually off work--you are never not a parent.

DD2 woke at 2, 4, 5.30, 6.30 and 7.30 last night. Unless you were on a night shift that would be your time.

DD2 is teething so wants to be held all day and DD1 has a cold and won't eat so have to try and convince her. That's after waking up lots last night too-- whereas if you worked you'd have some down time.

I do appreciate how stressful a job can be though children or not.

Haha I will bring wine.

Right ok I am going to try and pin her down a bit more and ask her what would suit her best. From reading the thread some would welcome a friend popping in but some wouldn't so I will just ask her and persevere a bit.

I get that she's busy, she's tired and that she has other priorities.

I say we all meet up together

I think I'd want notice before school me one came over, but mainly so I could remove all wet pants and half eaten bread sticks from anywhere that may cause damage, offense.

You've motivated me to threaten to invite some of my single mates for a drink

School me? Some one!

Though be forewarned: All I'll talk about is boxsets and books. Haven't had time or energy to do anything interesting

Sounds like you've absolutely got it right Over. Friendly, assertive but not pushy and angry. You're a wonderful friend.

)Excuse slow responses, either MN or my phone is playing up)