To think that having a child doesn't absolve you from making an effort with friends?

[Overthinker2016]

Many of my friends are married with children.

I get that their priorities are different from mine now. I get that they are "busier" than childless me (although busy is a bit subjective I think). I am happy to spend time with their children and/or OH for what it's worth (if I was invited to!)

However AIBU to think they should still make a bit of an effort to keep in touch? One friend in particular has been coming back to me with dates since about February .

Do I cut them some slack and just keep on being the one making the effort or just stop and lose some otherwise very nice friends.

Who would you describe friends you've known for years who just want to remain in touch as "needy"? We're they needed before you had children? The friends you've ditched probably haven't changed - you have. How lovely they are now described as "needy" for daring to want to stay friends

I have two DCs and before them, looked at it like the awful cliche'd "he's just not that into you" situation when friends with DCs dropped off the radar. Friends with DCs don't automatically become so absorbed and selfish and insular that they abandon their previous friends, and if they do, it's often regretted later.

Your priorities and focus shift once you have DCs, certainly. But to willingly allow friendships to slip away because you think you can't make time for your friends is awful (unless you weren't that keen on them to begin with, hence "just not that into you").

I have 'Mum' friends I've met through the DCs. Fabulous women I can rely on at the drop of a hat, who've got my back when I need them. But I also have pre-DC friends who've no children of their own; one I take weekend trips abroad with once a year, one I go out and get drunk and dance with a few times a year, one I go and see a musical with a few times a year. Making an effort, even just to text or call takes seconds. When you think how much time we all spend on social media now, it's amazing that so many friendships falter.

Probably equally as lovely as those suggesting friends with kids "crawl back" after a few years because of course it is literally UNTRUE that there is anything that might get in the way of mothers prioritising friends they might LOVE to spend time with but literally can't. Apparently that "implies" that all parents think their lives are "more important" as surely any good friend can do a Hermione Grainger on it and be in two different places at once. So I could just as easily be meeting a friend tonight as sitting here in the dark waiting for my two year old to settle so I can tidy up downstairs, make the lunches and return to writing a systematic review that needs to be in by Friday. Incontrovertible evidence I think my life is intrinsically more valuable than friends with no or older kids who don't have all this boring shite to do.. Erm, yeah. It really isn't the personal value laden slight some want to make it out to be. It's just boring sucky life.

And the social media thing is bullshit. I am constantly on social media with friends and it is nothing like real contact. It's the great lie of our times.

Strangely the amount of systematic reviews and other boring shite that I do now has not really changed much in the last 25 years that I have spent in a academia and is surprisingly not at all related to whether I'm a parent or not.

Lots of people have said about sending a quick text, but it's not clear whether OP's friend has completely stopped doing this, or just stopped arranging to meet up.

It's also quite hard to keep sending just texts to someone who wants to meet up as of course after a few texts the diary will come up again. Which is perfectly reasonable but means texting alone doesn't solve the problem.

I have been playing devils advocate on this thread. None of my friends have children so I have to make an effort with my childless friends! But it's hard. I used to hate being late for anything and last weekend I was 4 hours late for meeting someone for a coffee! My friends are lovely but they are not always understanding. Sometimes when I go out with them for coffee or food I may as well throw money down the drain because I don't get to enjoy my food and drink and I don't actually get to have a conversation. Honestly tell your friend how much you'd love to see her and if she isn't interested she isn't worth bothering with

This thread is super annoying. The OP is trying to figure out how to see her friend and loads of posters are going off on a massive mummy martyr thing (but have enough time to type long messages on MN hmmm). Not really helping the OP though is it? And actually I think it is profoundly unhealthy to abandon all friends for years after having a child.

Jaquetta, you can say 'I just don't have the space or energy to meet but I want to keep in touch by text'. People do understand.

The OP has had a hard time I think.

I have children but also find that friends with children are sometimes really, really hard to get hold of. It's got to the point where I've made the effort and made the effort and then given up. Other friends have filled the space they've left.