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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To elope?

58 replies

laidbackneko · 07/08/2016 22:51

DP and I have been together 5 years.
Recently we'd been talking about getting married and last night he proposed!

BUT....there are hurdles. I don't get on with his family. Long story short, I feel judged and disapproved of and the idea of them being at our wedding fills me with dread. To the extent that I'd rather not have a wedding at all.

AIBU to want to elope? I know it will upset his family and possibly some of our friends. Sad

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/08/2016 22:53

How does your DP feel about it?

Wolfiefan · 07/08/2016 22:54

We didn't elope but we did marry abroad and alone. Was bloody fabulous!
We managed to placate family and friends by having a blessing and party back home.
It's your wedding. Do what you want. I would personally hate spending months or years and thousands of pounds on a day I would be too stressed to enjoy. (But I'm odd!)
What does your partner think? It's about you really. Family and friends should just be happy for you.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2016 22:56

The ideal would be your partner agreeing to elope and telling his family why. Do you think he'd do that?

Pauperback · 07/08/2016 22:56

Of course yanbu. Your other half presumably wants to marry you, not 'have a wedding with' you, and other people will handle it. We got married with two witnesses and didn't even tell anyone for the best part of a year, and no one was shrieking about betrayal and heartbreak and the lost opportunity to wear a fascinator.

Original poster
laidbackneko · 07/08/2016 22:57

DP would prefer to have a wedding. But understands why I don't. Ultimately he agrees that it's marriage that counts, not the wedding itself. Which I appreciate.

In fact he's being so bloody nice about it that I feel guilty because I know that he'd like a traditional do.

He did admit that a big part of that is because he knows his parents would be very disappointed and probably bring it up forever.

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OrlandaFuriosa · 07/08/2016 22:59

The run up to our wedding was so fucking stressful that four Days beforehand my wonderful DM asked me if we wanted to cancel it, elope, and her give a party afterwards.

Eventually it was ok, but if I were doing it again, I would elope. Or take her other suggestion, tell nobody until two days beforehand, invite the parents onky, if they can't come they can't, and give a party later.

I'd still go for the eloping . Upsets everyone, equally.

Unless your DP really really wants the full shebang.

KC225 · 07/08/2016 23:00

We did to Las Vegas. We were planning to go alone but 3 friends 'guessed' and asked to come out. It was all the better for them being there. It just made it more fun. Even though it was 10 years ago, we have wonderful memories of our Vegas wedding and wouldn't change a thing

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/08/2016 23:02

Have you tried sitting down with them and talking about how you feel? It will be incredibly hard to have inlaws you can't stand for the rest of your life.

Rosenwyn1985 · 07/08/2016 23:06

Do it! We married abroad, hot weather, two grabbed witnesses, cost £150. I loved it. We had lunch in a favourite place, went back to the hotel for a swim and rest. Evening out watching the sunset. Amazing! My mum went ballistic (nc now, didn't care anyway as didn't want her there). Everyone else said "sad to have missed it but your wedding. Can we see the photos? Congratulations". Real friends will get it.

Original poster
laidbackneko · 07/08/2016 23:07

I suppose I feel that our relationship is good and getting married will just make it official, nothing more than that really.

It's the idea of our friends meeting our families and his parents sitting there silently disapproving that sets my nerves on edge.

Why put yourself through that kind of stress on what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life? I'd prefer to just do it in private then throw a big party sometime after to "celebrate".

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 08/08/2016 01:48

You could get married abroad
Or you could have a close family only ceremony with a nice lunch after
(And a party after the event for your friends if you want)

A wedding is 2 people plus the person marrying them (and two witnesses in the UK) anything else is optional

Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 01:59

Thanks for all the replies and good suggestions.

I suppose I'm worried that friends and family who invited us to their weddings might feel offended that we didn't reciprocate. Or maybe that's just me overthinking it...

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Just5minswithDacre · 08/08/2016 02:01

Elopements are incredibly romantic Smile

Sceptimum · 08/08/2016 02:39

Congratulations! My vote is for elope and have a huge happy party when you come home. Way cheaper too this way too, avoids "wedding tax" on all items and all the absurd spending on hairdresser, make-up, a huge bridal party too.
We come from opposite sides of the world so had a lovely engagement bash on each side, and a very small overseas wedding. But if I could go again, I would elope and just have a party after.

OrlandaFuriosa · 08/08/2016 15:15

Elope and party later. So much better.

Stevefromstevenage · 08/08/2016 15:16

Do it. There will be push back but it is worth it.

facepalming · 08/08/2016 15:18

Definitely do it!! I've had the big wedding and an elopement and the elopement wins hands down@!

We ran off to new York and married at city hall.

Helps to pick the right guy also ;)

But it's a day for the two of you and in the scheme of things it really is just a day.

wornoutboots · 08/08/2016 15:38

do it. no regrets

JeanGenie23 · 08/08/2016 15:41

Everyone's choice of 'dream' weddings is different, there will be 50 people at mine and DPs day, mostly friends. If my cousin is upset that she didn't get invited to mine, when I was at hers, hard cheddar.

Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 15:47

I love the idea of city hall!

How would that work legally though. Would we have to register again in the uk?

I'm starting to daydream of a spur of the moment weekend in NYC where we come back hitched Grin

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facepalming · 08/08/2016 15:55

Legally city hall was a doddle! you turn up with your ID's at least 48 hours earlier to get your licence and then on the day you want to get married you turn up with your licence and take a number :)

Marriages in new York are recognised here so you don't need to do anything else. I sent off my NY marriage certificate for change of name on passport etc.

I would absolutely recomend it - you will have an amazing time! The atmosphere in the waiting room is magic.

We hired a photographer and a car and took off around the city afterwards before dinner and then an old school swing club - it was amazing :)

Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 16:03

Thanks face! That does sound amazing!
Woohoo, NYC here we come!!

Oh...maybe I should talk about it with DP first Blush

Getting a bit carried away here Grin

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MidnightAura · 08/08/2016 16:04

I'm getting married in sixteen days, we wanted to elope but we didn't because it would upset both our parents. I actually posted about it. Long story short we decided we are having a small wedding, DPs parents kicked up am almighty fuss and have told us they won't be attending. After all that!

There are so many times I've said recently I wish we had eloped. If it's what you want go for it!

absolutemug · 08/08/2016 16:08

I'm not quite sure what the difference is between a party when a couple come home and a wedding party. Surely it's the same thing and the same hastles?

Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 16:34

absolute for me at least, the difference is: with a wedding you have a vow ceremony, signing of registry, speeches - the spotlight on you, your partner and respective families is relentless. You're often expected to invite family you never see or risk external offence, and if you have a difficult mil to be, potential tears and tantrums would be, if not an inevitability, something that would be at the back of my mind the whole time. The whole thing just makes me shudder.

A wedding party is a relaxed, well, party. You've got married in private and are throwing a party to celebrate afterwards. No pressure. Just fun. Smile

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