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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To elope?

58 replies

laidbackneko · 07/08/2016 22:51

DP and I have been together 5 years.
Recently we'd been talking about getting married and last night he proposed!

BUT....there are hurdles. I don't get on with his family. Long story short, I feel judged and disapproved of and the idea of them being at our wedding fills me with dread. To the extent that I'd rather not have a wedding at all.

AIBU to want to elope? I know it will upset his family and possibly some of our friends. Sad

OP posts:
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 08/08/2016 16:37

Firstly ... Congratulations! 🍾

Secondly, you have to do what's right for you and your fiancé. I'd prefer someone to go and get married abroad without telling me than asking me to be there, and knowing that I couldn't afford to go anyway. And I can't see any point in having a wedding that isn't what YOU want, who cares about anyone else.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/08/2016 16:45

DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.

Congratulations! Eloping would be my preference too Smile

sonlypuppyfat · 08/08/2016 16:47

I did the registry office thing with 3 witnesses we didn't tell anyone. It was fantastic

Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 16:51

Thank you all for the vote of confidence! Flowers

OP posts:
bluebeck · 08/08/2016 16:59

Do it!

But, if you do elope, please do it properly and don't tell a living soul that you are going to get married. A friend of mine planned to elope for similar reasons to you. She told her DM and DSIS and they blabbed. Story got straight back to MIL who went ballistic. It really could not have gone worse.

Good luck.

OlennasWimple · 08/08/2016 17:04

Yy to keeping it properly secret

A family member who didn't keep it quiet caused so much more hurt by telling some people than she ever would have done by just coming back from holiday with a ring on her finger

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 08/08/2016 17:08

What about your parents? How will the feel?

I get its your choice but I'd be very hurt if my children did this and excluded me. A party afterwards is just a party.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 08/08/2016 17:17

Parents have no say Dragons, it's not their wedding so why do they get to be hurt? It's about the couple, not the pointless difficulties caused by family.

Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 17:20

Good point about keeping it totally secret. I actually really like the idea of not telling a soul until we're actually married...

OP posts:
Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 17:23

Actually, actually! Grin

OP posts:
Redken24 · 08/08/2016 17:23

You wont even notice his parents on your wedding day.
Have a sweetheart table if you have a big day and sit by yourselves

Stinkadoodle · 08/08/2016 18:02

If my kids got married without inviting me I would be hurt.I would love to share their special day with them.

But if I were to get married I would go to a registry office, quick and with minimal fuss purely because I am not young, I have had all the kids I want, been with oh for 20 years and hate being centre of attention. But I probably would have just parents there. I don't think I would even invite my siblings, we are close but once you invite them, it's their oh' s and kids and grandparents and too much attention for me.

alleypalley · 08/08/2016 18:50

You say you've cut a long story short, and you don't need to elaborate but do you think that they would actually do anything to ruin the day or just that they would bring a sour note? Is it the whole family or just a couple? Could you seek the help of others to try and mitigate any effect they would have on the day? If you had a big wedding you'd barely have to even acknowledge their presence. Or you could do a small ceremony, lunch with the families and then a romantic night with your new dh, or an exclusive after party somewhere that they wouldn't even need to know about?

Saying that though we got married abroad and my ILs didnt come, we didn't do it with that intention they just chose not to.

Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 18:58

I think most parents would want to share their dcs wedding day, and it's lovely when you have supportive DPs.

But...well, as I've said upthread, sometimes the stress just is too much to want to deal with.
I've already told my mum of plans to run off and get married. And naturally she's a bit disappointed but has given us her blessing. She understands what a nightmare pils are and why I don't want them anywhere near being able to spoil what should be a special day to remember.

But you've given me food for thought stink. Maybe we do need to prepare his parents first...
I mean, yes, they are both a PITA but I don't actually want to hurt them.

OP posts:
Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 19:00

alley we are a mixed race couple and his parents constantly bring up that I'm not white Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
laidbackneko · 08/08/2016 19:03

As a perjorative, I should add. ConfusedSad

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 08/08/2016 19:25

Seriously, screw their opinion. Elope and enjoy.

OrlandaFuriosa · 08/08/2016 22:34

Loopy, you'll be blamed for whatever wedding you choose by them...make your mind up to that and decide what makes you happy, they will never be. Or will choose not to be.

Party so much easier. No choice of bridesmaids and ushers, no menus to choose, no seating plans, no bride's mum's outfits, no discussions about what the ushers wear. No huge hike in prices by reception venue. No arguement about colours and flowers . No argument about wedding presents. Less argument about guest list. No Bridezilla, not that you would be, but it's stressful, above all no MILzilla.

Just5minswithDacre · 08/08/2016 22:42

Oh that settles it, just do it.

PoisonWitch · 09/08/2016 07:28

They are racist? I think you can safely ignore any of their opinions.

ChrissieS79 · 09/08/2016 07:34

We did, it was great. Told a few v.close friends and they came too. After the initial shock, family were all pleased for us.

It's your day, nobody else's. Do what you want.

myownprivateidaho · 09/08/2016 08:04

I've nothing against elopement (I was in favour of it for me, but DP wanted a traditional wedding so we are planning that, and my parents just got three random witnesses off the street for theirs). But it seems like the issue of his family might be something you should make peace with. I mean, you'll have to see them in future, have a relationship with them, particularly if you have kids... Is it going to be any different after the marriage than before? TO put it another way, seems like you're letting your future ILs dictate your life by planning your wedding around them, if only to avoid them. Ideally you'd have the wedding you want and not give a shit about them. If they're only going to be "silently judging" and not actually doing anything bad, maybe it's time to practice ignoring this? Just a thought -- have the wedding you want (but seems a shame to make the ILs the major consideration on your day).

myownprivateidaho · 09/08/2016 08:07

Sorry I posted that having missed the post about their being racists. So maybe you're not going to want to make peace with them, the bastards! But I still feel that if, all other things being equal, you would have liked a wedding with your family and friends there, it's a shame to let them effectively force you to give that up. But completely understandable how you feel. Whatever happens, it'll be lovely -- congratulations.

Florabella22 · 09/08/2016 14:01

Do it!
We had a runaway wedding in June, told a few family and friends beforehand but it was just us on the day with two witnesses supplied by the venue. It was perfectly romantic, intimate and relaxed. We married at lunchtime, had an afternoon tea while opening some cards and presents. We considered a party for when we got back but ended up running into the same problems we knew we'd have if we'd had a bigger wedding (family dynamics, who to invite etc.)
So we've been out for a couple of meals with family and friends since and it's been lovely.
Go for it!

Loubylouchirino · 09/08/2016 14:21

I get married next year & we're having a wedding on our own. Registry office, 2 witnesses, hotel with private dining room after. My DPs ex would make it difficult for his son to be there, and DPs parents are divorced and already said "if your mum goes, I'm not" and vice versa. So we're doing it on our own. However, so my children (and his, if his son can come) get a wedding experience (and can relate to WHEN he became step-dad) we're having a wedding party, which is planned to be like a wedding with sit down meal, photographer, dress, bridesmaid dress (bought in the BHS closing down sales), etc, just without the ceremony, and then for us the pressure is off. If people choose to come, great. If they don't/can't, then fine. It wouldn't work for everyone, but it seems to be for us Smile

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