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Original poster

Is life harder for unattractive people?

512 replies

CherryPicking · 06/08/2016 23:04

I know life can be hard for lots of reasons, and that discrimination can take many forms more serious than this, but putting all other factors aside just for now, is day to day life that little bit harder for less attractive people? For example, are people less likely to be accepting of someone behaving assertively, either at work or elsewhere, if the person in question isn't easy on the eye? (I'm not much to look at myself if that makes any difference). What about things like job interviews or social situations, meeting new people?

OP posts:
HermyOne · 07/08/2016 11:15

I'm quite pretty (beautiful when I'm at my thin weight)

However I am early twenties so a lot of it is just youth!

I also struggle with eating issues and chronic low self esteem so for me my looks have caused me a lot of insecurity and pain

KERALA1 · 07/08/2016 11:15

I see it already in dd2. Boys do things for her unasked and buy her presents. Girls defer to her. Strangers make approving positive comments. She's 7. The poster talking about micro kindnesses spot on.

Salmotrutta · 07/08/2016 11:15

I agree that people deemed "unattractive" do have a harder time.

I see it all the time in school - and kids can be very very cruel.

Angry
HermyOne · 07/08/2016 11:17

I was also bullied at high school for my looks and thought I was hideously ugly.

Looking back I can see that I was actually one of the most attractive people at school Confused

Trills · 07/08/2016 11:21

I also think that people with a lovely personality radiate that and it shows on their face, in their eyes etc

Sometimes maybe.

But if you believe that ALL people with lovely personalities do this, it's an excuse for you to dismiss everyone with a face-you-don't-find-attractive as an unpleasant person.

Your subconscious will think if they were a lovely person it would radiate through their eyes, I don't like this person's face therefore they are probably not lovely and I don't need to be nice to them

Maybe The Twits is to blame for all of this...

GarlicMistake · 07/08/2016 11:24

So relieved you can see that now, Hermy! OK, so here you are - early twenties and starting to notice you're on the beautiful side of average. Should be the era of high privilege for you :) Ditch the esteem issues, start enjoying all the world will offer you, and share the love!

That's an order. I'm three times your age and three times as average, so I get the final say Grin

PrincessHairyMclary · 07/08/2016 11:29

I don't think the physical looks themselves have a huge effect but the knock on effect on self esteem. If you aren't pretty but dress well, take care of yourself, have well kept hair then you will do as well as someone who is 'prettier'. If you have low self worth, dress to sink into the background, clothes too big/small/old and have been bullied since you were small for your looks then you won't come along as confident etc in interviews and I think that would have an effect.

Salmotrutta · 07/08/2016 11:32

I agree with all you are saying Trills.

I've come across many people who might be described as looking "not attractive" and grumpy or miserable etc. but are really kind and thoughtful folk. Their kindness and thoughtfulness just doesn't "radiate from their eyes" Hmm

GarlicMistake · 07/08/2016 11:34

I agree with Trills, too. Didn't dare comment as was in danger of falling around laughing at the ridiculous belief in psychic radiation ...

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 07/08/2016 11:40

I don't know, because I have no idea if I'm hideously ugly or stunningly gorgeous. I just don't think about it.

I'm self employed and my customers never see me, so whatever I am, it hasn't affected my work opportunities.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/08/2016 11:42

It doesn't mean that all people do.

And after all refusing to ask to someone would be equally as rude. I'd never treat someone like that.

But I have definitely met people who just had an air about them. Not sure why or how but there's just something

Works the other way too though.instant feeling of unease. I worked with someone like that once. First time I met him... I was polite and chatty etc but I just "knew" he couldn't be trusted.

Doesn't happen often. But sometimes it is there. Our brain picks up on something. Not sure how or what...

MargaretCavendish · 07/08/2016 11:44

I do also think that grooming and effort make as much of a difference as your 'base' level of attractiveness. The vast majority of head-turners dress well, have hair that they spend time styling every morning, wear make-up etc. There are a few people who look amazing whatever, but for most people how they choose to present themselves makes a vast difference - look at paparazzi photos! Also, in women, people read 'making an effort' as 'more likely to be available/potentially out on the pull' and in some of the scenarios described here, like being bought a drink in a club, that's the most important factor.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/08/2016 11:44

And I've ignored that before. Tried to tell myself I've imagined it or its unfair to make that judgement as I don't know them etc... "don't be ridiculous Giles how would you like it etc"

Let's just say I regretted not paying attention..

TheWindInThePillows · 07/08/2016 11:50

All the evidence is that attractive people have it easier.

There is a ceiling to this though, as Trills says where you are so super-beautiful people don't react normally to you. I haven't broken this ceiling:)

In general, though, I know lots of ordinary and even plain looking people who are lovely, have friends, and do a great job at work. It may help that I work in academia, where being pretty is of no real advantage whatsoever.

LobsterQuadrille · 07/08/2016 11:56

I've only read the first four pages so apologies. I was bullied at school for being ugly (properly ugly, not "I'm a model looking back and really I was just unusual looking"). At some point I became "beautiful" as generally accepted - I only know this because of comments - but it's never made a difference as I'm still that ugly girl in my view. My parents weren't encouraging about my appearance to say the least, and my sister was "the pretty one". At university when someone said a boy "fancied" me, I assumed that it for a bet/wind up. When my friends said that ex H was very good looking I was confused/cross, as I always went for the uglier men, assuming that was my level - and also that they'd be the only ones who'd like me.

I'm mid forties now and still get a lot of attention and still have no belief in it. There are hardly any photographs of me because I hate them. I'm on a dating site but wish I didn't have to have photographs on it because they way people look isn't any indication of whether we'll get on or not. Attraction to me is far, far more about personality, curiosity about life, beliefs - OK, and spelling.

So I don't think it's a case of unattractive people having a harder time - it's more about how you perceive yourself - if you lack confidence because of your looks (whatever they're like) you might have a harder time or you might turn it around - I worked harder because I thought I'd never marry, so I achieved more at work.

GarlicMistake · 07/08/2016 11:57

That's different, Giles. You should listen to those instincts: it's your brain picking up hundreds of tiny clues much faster than it can consciously process them.

What Trills said was "if you believe that ALL people with lovely personalities do this, it's an excuse for you to dismiss everyone with a face-you-don't-find-attractive" - which is exactly why beautiful people get the easier ride; that false equivalence.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/08/2016 11:58

Lobster What you describe is called ugly duckling syndrome. It's very common ime.

StarkintheSouth · 07/08/2016 11:59

Hmm- I think attractive people might be more likely to be more self confident which is obviously a boon. I was overweight 6/7 years ago and was very down, in a dead end job etc and there was nothing my partner could say to cheer me up. Then I lost weight and felt WAY more beautiful, started dressing more confidently and managed to get a fab new job. Do I think making myself more attractive made my life easier/happier? Maybe, yes. But that's just me.

GarlicMistake · 07/08/2016 12:00

Attraction to me is far, far more about personality, curiosity about life, beliefs - OK, and spelling. - Haha Grin I hear you. Or here you Wink

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/08/2016 12:03

Oh I don't believe that it applies to all

But definitely some people, things are written on there face. I'm one of them. It's why I can't lie to people because it's there.

These days I have that resting butch face thing going on.... least I thought I did...

I think it is very hard to get the balance right though. For me anyway.

Having been judged as being to stupid to do things or basically ignored in a group as I'm the weird one not the pretty one I have always tried my best to not do that to others.

But that has meant at times going against my instincts to prove a point to and that's what I have regretted.

Works both ways though as I struggle to know how to act around people when I'm not in my " safe group " and heaven knows what vibes I'm giving off

LobsterQuadrille · 07/08/2016 12:05

Vladmirs how bizarre; I have never heard of that and have just googled it. That is exactly me. Thank you.

m0therofdragons · 07/08/2016 12:08

I think Roald Dahl's the twits covers this. what is unattractive? To me it's about personality and that can really change how attractive you are - a single man playing and laughing with his dc on the beach = attractive, a single man ignoring/swearing at his kids and scratching his bits = not attractive.

2kids2dogsnosense · 07/08/2016 12:13

I've got a face like a blind cobblers thumb, and I can tell you - my early life was NOT fun, from a grandparent who said "I don't know what you look like that - all the others are good-looking" to being the butt of every nasty comment at school.

However, now I am in my sixth decade, I don't particularly mind how I look - much more comfortable in my own skin.

In fact, if I had my time again . . . I WOULD SAVE UP FOR ALL THE PLASTIC SURGERY I COULD GET!!!!!!!

I would not go through that hell again for anything.

GarlicMistake · 07/08/2016 12:14

Giles, instincts are different from prejudices masquerading as insight. I could go into tedious detail about which parts of the brain are involved and why, but it ain't the topic here. The "instincts" that kind of kick you in the gut, manifest as a voice inside your head or an invisible flashing sign, etc, are only interested in matters of survival. They can warn you about danger and also alert you to a good genetic match. That's pretty much it; they don't care whether someone's a nice person unless your life depends on it - which it rarely does for us, thank god.

Instincts are so basic, they can go wrong. But it's always worth paying attention.

Try not worrying about the 'vibes' you're giving off! Smiling and listening twice as much as you talk are all that's generally needed :)

Witchend · 07/08/2016 12:15

I have never come across anyone who tells me that they're beautiful that I would agree with. They usually spend a lot of time on their appearance, yes, but I would disagree that they look beautiful.
I also would say most people that tell me they feel very unattractive I would also say they're doing themselves down too.

So I wouldn't necessarily trust comments on here from people that say I am/not beautiful and it's hard (or not).