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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is life harder for unattractive people?

512 replies

CherryPicking · 06/08/2016 23:04

I know life can be hard for lots of reasons, and that discrimination can take many forms more serious than this, but putting all other factors aside just for now, is day to day life that little bit harder for less attractive people? For example, are people less likely to be accepting of someone behaving assertively, either at work or elsewhere, if the person in question isn't easy on the eye? (I'm not much to look at myself if that makes any difference). What about things like job interviews or social situations, meeting new people?

OP posts:
3perfectweemen · 09/08/2016 13:18

I don't think it makes a difference. I'm not unattractive. I have nice face figure (with clothes on) but I'm treated no differently to friends less attractive. The only place it makes a difference is in pubs clubs with Percy men lol but not sure that's a good thing. I honestly believe it's personality intelligence and assertiveness that makes life easier for people. I am not the smartest I have a sense of humour but I am I push over and stand offish so my looks definitely do not make up for my down falls if that makes sense.

GarlicMistake · 09/08/2016 15:12

The open-doors effect is significant, though, as is the generally more pleasant face the world presents to the beautiful. It's easier to be nice when the world's nice(r) to you. I think the effects can well outlast the physical beauty, too.

I'm only a sample of one, but since we're sharing stories - my parents were of the "break the child to form the adult" school of thought. Severely abusive, in other words. I believed I was fat, stupid, ugly & boring because that's how I was raised. It was a piece of cake to get my first part-time jobs as a teenager, and something clicked. I realised I was above-averagely attractive and intelligent.

From then onwards - despite a hopelessly dysfunctional relationship with myself - I understood what advantages I had, and used them as best I could. This wasn't very well on the whole but things fell into place for me. My outcomes were not as awful as my choices, because people rescued me unasked. Folks have done me many favours, big and small. This life's done some really shitty things to me (sometimes because of being pretty or bright) but it's done more lovely things.

Obviously I do my best to give back. This means that, if you didn't know my background or my cock-ups, you would reasonably assume I've led an extraordinarily charmed life and wasted some opportunities. Leaving the bad stuff out of the picture - you'd be right.

Now I'm old, overweight, disabled and dirt poor. The world's still pretty kind to me considering. I still give back what I can, and my world's still full of folks being nice. I'm not attractive by any normal standard but I carry the benefits of the last 40+ years with me. It is easy for me to smile at & talk to people, because I've been so very welcome for such a long time. I actually make an effort not to be invisible: I dye my hair weird colours because it's easy & cheap but, if I had more money/energy, I'd be sporting the wildest edge of fashion and enormous jewellery. Averageness has some advantages but, since I learned to swim in a kinder sea, I use what life taught me while I was pretty.

An unattractive woman with ideally loving, supportive, encouraging parents would sail out into the world with more confidence - and she'd definitely fuck up less. But she'd have to work harder for the openness, the nice surprises and the opportunities. Despite her genuine advantage over someone like me, favours would flow less freely around her.

It's swings & roundabouts. But, you know, an 'ugly' person with my background would face a lot more struggles. A beautiful one with an ideal childhood barely knows what struggle looks like. Life is not fair. The most we can hope from the supremely blessed is that they notice the discrepancy and share the good fortune.

GarlicMistake · 09/08/2016 15:16
  • A beautiful one with an ideal childhood barely knows what struggle looks like. - As long as nothing drastic happens to her; random shit can land on anyone. She'd still get more help when needed, though!
hazeimcgee · 09/08/2016 15:58

The general consensus of life being easier seems to fall around people giving you stuff, opening doors, giving you jobs you might nlt be qualified for. Is this really what we deem as an easier life?

My lofe would be easier if my son were healthy, if my family had less medical issues, if my friends lived closer, if my family were always happy etc.

A free drink and a seat on the bis kight gove me a momentary lift but it hardly makes and real difference to my lifeobvs low self esteem from bullying etc is a different issue but clearly kids and adults get bullied for many different reasons

Outofstepwithhumanity · 09/08/2016 16:09

I think it was Serge Gainsbourg who said that ugliness is superior to beauty, because it lasts longer!

GarlicMistake · 09/08/2016 16:23

Grin I like that, step/Serge!

Hazel - we can only make crude comparisons based on "other things being equal". In real life, they aren't.

My life would be 1,000 times better if I weren't ill and hadn't misjudged the situation while becoming ill. And it'd be even worse if no-one had done me gratuitous favours. Swings/roundabouts.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 09/08/2016 16:35

Swings/roundabouts as you say. People who have great beauty fear that they'll lose their looks - the average have less to lose and may even improve as they get older - sort of 'grow into their looks'.
A lot of it is down to image - present the right look and it'll help to open doors/get the job, etc. If there are two candidates for a job: Miss A is capable but dowdy, wrong image; Miss B is not so good but smartly dressed, guess who's most likely to get the job? Miss B of course - already looks the part and she'll get extra training to give her the talents required.

hazeimcgee · 09/08/2016 16:42

Reading this i wonder how us poor jard done to uglies ever get by in life. In retrospect i got one job based on "looks" - 16, slim but curvy, school uniform. He was a sexist arse. All my other jobs, volunterring etc i've mananged to hold down all without the world beating me for not being pretty enough

GarlicMistake · 09/08/2016 16:49

:) YY, I don't think anybody's claimed that being less-than-averagely attractive is a sentence of doom! Just that, as OP said, it can make life harder. So can lots of other things, naturally.

SandyPantz · 09/08/2016 17:00

Being beautiful is like being rich

nobody's saying that EVERYONE who is rich has a happy life, and everyone who is poor has a sad life, but having money is easier than not having money

SandyPantz · 09/08/2016 17:02

A free drink and a seat on the bis kight gove me a momentary lift but it hardly makes and real difference to my life

Walking through a world where people smile and acknowledge/see you of course makes a real difference compaired to walking through life being ignored or snarled at when you go about daily tasks like shopping or travelling.

ElectronicDischarge · 09/08/2016 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GarlicMistake · 09/08/2016 17:33

How awful, Electronic. This obviously was entirely the abuser's fault, abetted by the wife and employers. You did not provoke it by being pretty or friendly!

Loads of abusers like to target those they see as "above themselves". It's all in their weird, screwed-up heads. Not a remotely objective or sane judgement in any language.

Flowers
hazeimcgee · 09/08/2016 17:34

Maybe i'm just naive (sic?) Who snarls at people cos they aren't pretty? I have had the odd idiot yell somethimg rude out of a car at me but i just pity them their probablt small penis!

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 17:37

I'm not afraid of losing my looks (that's my mother) I'm relishing it. I hate being stared at, constantly having strange men come up to me in absolutely any scenario - even a panto with my DC as I said upthread! Women glare at me,if I go to my DH's work functions men stare, start drunken conversations. More than once I've been threatened as a 'homewrecker' when i don't even know who her husband is!

I've left out the worst stuff because it's too identifying.

Call this a stealth boast, I don't care. There's a lot of little comments through this thread, and that comment made me want to say something.

I want to be invisible. I want to be just another face in the crowd. So yes, can't wait for looks to go!

i8sum314 · 09/08/2016 17:41

electron sorry that happened to you but I've been stalked as well and your belief that this happened to you because you're beautiful (and therefore wouldn't have been as likely to happen to you if you were more average) shows why I was disbelieved when I told anybody that somebody would not let me go.

I think a lot of narcissistic men with low self esteem decide that a particular woman who is average ought to be GRATEFUL for his attentions.

It shouldn't have happened to you and you shouldn't have been driven out of your work, but can you imagine how much harder it is to be believed when you're only average.

This whole thread is utterly ridiculous. Of course life is harder for unattractive people

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 09/08/2016 17:45

Being beautiful is like being rich. nobody's saying that EVERYONE who is rich has a happy life, and everyone who is poor has a sad life, but having money is easier than not having money

Exactly.

TentPegsAndWetWipes · 09/08/2016 17:47

special have you tried wearing no make-up, with glasses and men's fit clothes? It does wonders for invisibility- but there is a risk(responding to haze)- that sort of invisibility-ware can lead to snarls, etc - some people think women have a duty to maximise their looks at all times.

SandyPantz · 09/08/2016 17:47

Maybe i'm just naive (sic?) Who snarls at people cos they aren't pretty?

pretty much every bus driver on my bus route if I dont have exect change (and my all routes ticket is over £4, so a £5er is hardly taking the piss!) when I'm at my heavier weight. You'ld swear I was handing them a turd!

When I'm thin I can get on with a £20 and I get smiles and pleasantries!

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 17:51

Tent I don't wear makeup except for special occasions and live in ponytails.

TentPegsAndWetWipes · 09/08/2016 17:56

i8sum
I completely agree that sexual harassment and sexual violence happens irrespective of the perceived attractiveness of the victim. And there are men who target women who they think will be grateful and easily manipulated into sexual subservience because they assume a woman who ranks low in their opinion of attractiveness will have low self-esteem and weak boundaries. I have heard the conversation between some men and it really isn't pretty.

i8sum314 · 09/08/2016 18:03

yes tent, a man can be even angrier at being rejected by an average woman.

exactly, these men often target average women expecting GRATITUDE and are furious when average women reject them. They wouldn't feel the same anger towards a beautiful woman who rejected them.

ElectronicDischarge · 09/08/2016 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TentPegsAndWetWipes · 09/08/2016 18:21

Yy i8sum. They feel far more entitled to average/below average women, along with a contemptuous 'you don't even deserve to live' type of misogyny just below the surface. They probably see themselves as the nice guys.
However all sexual harassment and violence is shitty and awful irrespective of what drives the perpetrators Sad
Flowers to everyone who has disclosed cruelty, harassment and violence on this thread.

i8sum314 · 09/08/2016 18:24

Also, I'd love to know if the beauties who've been held back in life would wave a wand and swap with those who feel that they are actually nearer to ugly than beautiful.

If you're too beautiful, put on ten pounds, get a frumpy hair cut, wear mum jeans. hey presto. People who look at you properly and really see you will still see your beauty but strangers walking past you quickly won't.

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