WWYD Re DSDs wanting to come on holiday

[Cutecat78]

I am going to "out" myself here but I am a bit beside myself.

Booked a holiday for us and our 6 kids. (None together).

OH got sent away for work. He is totally out of the picture right now.

DSDs (9 and 11) still massively excited about coming. Which was great. Was actually really looking forward to having a week with them.

I went to see them a few weeks ago (ex wife and I were v friendly) and was worried about living arrangements (ex wife renting massive house and has 4 lodgers, 3 male no DBS checks - everyone getting drunk), lots of other concerns.

I drove away v worried so messaged her best friend who said she had been messaging ex wife mum and suggested I did the same.

So I did saying please can you keep an eye as am very worried I don't want to say anything and offend ESP as we have this holiday booked and she (ex wife) has form for threatening no access.

Her mum did nothing other than tell her I had messaged and what I said.

Predictably she has said I can no longer have a relationship with the kids and she "has asked" them if they want to come away and they don't (apparently).

I have said if they change their minds that's fine please let me know.

Holiday is next week and am pretty sure am going to hear nothing and they won't have "changed their minds" just feel absolutely shit that they are going to miss their (only ever) holiday that they were so excited about.

Do I risk a last ditch attempt?

I know she is struggling with money and was relying on me for childcare for that week.

WWYD?

[Doggity]

I don't know what the deleted posts said but the history is relevant because this has been going on for years. The DH seems completely ineffectual and everyone else apparently refuses to make referrals because they "just know" that nothing will be done. It is not the call of a random social work manager, it is the call of the person who receives the referral where the kids live. Perhaps if concerns and raised repeatedly and by different people, someone will step up and take note. The DH needs to step up and take care of his children. OP, please don't make excuses for him. How long does this have to go on for those poor kids?!

[Cutecat78]

They aren't with me.

They were still going to come on a pre (OH being sent away) planned holiday.

[Cutecat78]

The deleted posts are not relevant.

The school attendance is ok ish (92% and 96%).

The child minder (who the kids hate and who asks to borrow money from ex wife) has said she has no concerns but obviously she has an agenda.

The mum told me "she is sick of being the bad guy" the friend is in damage control mode.

Because of the distance and the randomness of his job OH has to have some good will and flexibility from his ex.

Whenever he has tactfully suggested that things aren't that great he has been met with hostility and threats of not seeing the kids. She has made it very difficult when this has happened.

We are not in a position to get custody - even if he left his job he would have to give a years notice.

We felt being supportive and there for her and the kids was the best route to take.

Clearly we are wrong.

[OlennasWimple]

Her best friend is not a friend to her

[Cutecat78]

How isn't my OH reliable and trustworthy?

[RichardBucket]

What exactly did you expect to happen when you started talking to this woman's friends and family about how she wasn't keeping her kids safe?

Ex-wife has acted like MOST people would. You were totally unreasonable.

DBS checks for lodgers... I've heard it all now.

[Cutecat78]

I didn't start talking to them the "best friend" messaged me and spoke to OH at the school pick up.

There are other issues other than the lodgers.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

How isn't my OH reliable and trustworthy?

Having a contact order he has no intention of upholding? Lying about being contactable at work? Or even worse, he genuinely cannot. No court would be okay with THAT!

Just to start you off...

[RichardBucket]

itsmine You'd better give me your mother's number RIGHT NOW so I can talk to her.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Does mum know he's off at work and completely unreachable during his 'time with his DC?'

He's not a fit parent. Not even close. Mum was very generous waiting this long to block contact with such a shitty, deadbeat 'dad'

[Cutecat78]

We don't have a contact order.

He's on a Nuclear Submarine FFS.

Ex wife is shagging one of the lodgers, the 3rd BF the kids have met this year.

DSD has a "crush" on him and is jealous

[Memoires]

You are going to have to grovel.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

In answer to the question you sent me in a pm (no idea why!), my comment was pretty self explanatory. You post about a situation with your husband, kids or step kids, you don't get the responses you want and then argue, argue, argue.

[RichardBucket]

Cutecat78 None of that is a safeguarding issue. And you sound like a crap friend.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

See, your real issues with the mum are coming out now.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

How do you know so much about her personal life? If your source is her 'best friend,' I'd take it with a truckload of salt. She was a sit stirrer. Never trust what people like that will 'embellish' about.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

I do think you made a mistake speaking to her mum. She's a grown woman. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it if your mum was receiving complaints about your parenting and then crash-landing to offer 'extra support'. However, I appreciate that your concern is for the children and you did what seemed most likely to be helpful at the time.

At the end of the day, you can do nothing. The only people who could SS and you've established that they won't (though perhaps that would change depending on how your DP's conversation with their teachers went).

So now you have to re-establish access in order to continue providing the support you have been providing. Grovelling is the only way. Apologise profusely. Withdraw your comments. Send flowers. Say it was a massive error of judgement borne out of stress and the text message was out of context. Anything to dilute what you did say. If she needs help with childcare as much as you say, it may be possible to wheedle your way back in, even if only for a couple of hours here and then at first.

You should stress that you have never asked the children about their lives at home and have never said or hinted at anything remotely negative regarding her parenting.

[Cutecat78]

I know all the info as previously stated through being friends with the ex wife.

No it's not my business but considering she made me wait 6 months before meeting the kids - the kids get very attached to all the boyfriends and then used as sounding boards when it all goes tits up (because they tell me) it's not what I would want for two children I love.

paul I asked what I should do.

I haven't argued about the advice in regards to what I should do.

I have defended myself over the complete assassination over every aspect of my life on this thread but that serves me right for thinking it was a wise move to post here.

Am glad to have given everyone a really good laugh.

[Fatmomma86]

Dangley ones.

[KittensWithWeapons]

Apologise. Stop talking about your DP's ex to her friends and her mother. That comes across as gossiping and shit stirring. If you care about your DSC then keep the lines of communication open.

Stop making huffy faces about your DP's ex shagging one of her lodgers. That is none of your business. And if you have genuine concerns about the welfare of your stepchildren, contact SS and don't dither about waiting for your DP to get back from wherever he is.