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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD Re DSDs wanting to come on holiday

147 replies

Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 10:26

I am going to "out" myself here but I am a bit beside myself.

Booked a holiday for us and our 6 kids. (None together).

OH got sent away for work. He is totally out of the picture right now.

DSDs (9 and 11) still massively excited about coming. Which was great. Was actually really looking forward to having a week with them.

I went to see them a few weeks ago (ex wife and I were v friendly) and was worried about living arrangements (ex wife renting massive house and has 4 lodgers, 3 male no DBS checks - everyone getting drunk), lots of other concerns.

I drove away v worried so messaged her best friend who said she had been messaging ex wife mum and suggested I did the same.

So I did saying please can you keep an eye as am very worried I don't want to say anything and offend ESP as we have this holiday booked and she (ex wife) has form for threatening no access.

Her mum did nothing other than tell her I had messaged and what I said.

Predictably she has said I can no longer have a relationship with the kids and she "has asked" them if they want to come away and they don't (apparently).

I have said if they change their minds that's fine please let me know.

Holiday is next week and am pretty sure am going to hear nothing and they won't have "changed their minds" just feel absolutely shit that they are going to miss their (only ever) holiday that they were so excited about.

Do I risk a last ditch attempt?

I know she is struggling with money and was relying on me for childcare for that week.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 06/08/2016 11:21

""Social care in in complete crisis right now because of restructuring and cuts.
You would be shocked at what does not reach their thresholds.""

That isn't Nationally, that's always thrown about when a service is underperforming and making mistakes. Unfortunately it always starts with Management.

Stop talking to the friend, tell her to report, she's under a different LA.

ohtheholidays · 06/08/2016 11:21

What kind of job.

The Army,Navy,Marines,RAF to name just a few,I can't believe someone presumed prison

I'd try and ring they're Mum OP if I was you that or email her or text her alot quicker than a letter being as it's so close to the holiday.

I think like another poster suggested grovel a bit and hope it works.

diddl · 06/08/2016 11:22

Sounds as if everyone is "concerned", but not doing anything!

I agree that you should apologise.

If she really needs the child care then it will happen, won't it?

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:22

I am no longer taking to the friend she has blocked me as has the ex wife.

OP posts:

LIZS · 06/08/2016 11:22

Do not try to get information from the children. You need to refer this to a 3rd party, whether you are appropriately trained or not. Likewise friend should report especially as she/he is local and presumably see the issues first hand.

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:22

I have apologised.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 06/08/2016 11:23

OP, so you don't 'chat' to your DSDs about how they've been, what they've been doing, children open up to open questions

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:24

Not really no.

IME kids (in my house) don't really like feeling quizzed or pressed for information.

OP posts:

DementedUnicorn · 06/08/2016 11:24

Kids in danger always meet the threshold. And no that doesn't shock me

You got were bitching about your partners ex and got caught. You have no one to blame but yourself

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 11:24

No, I wouldn't be shocked at what doesn't meet social care thresholds because I work with social workers and deliver safeguarding training to teachers and other school staff.

So I know that there are levels of need which must be met in order for a certain course of action to occur.

And I also know that when you contact social care with concerns about a child, they are recorded, even if the result is no further action.

It's about building a picture and your information could be crucial if the situation were to deteriorate.

Birdsgottafly · 06/08/2016 11:24

If the friend has blocked you, it's because she's been found to be shit stirring, so you don't know that there are concerns, you've assumed this person is truthful and isn't enjoying the drama.

Birdsgottafly · 06/08/2016 11:26

An internal report is always investigated, if you work in SS, you report internally, not via the usual means.

2016Blyton · 06/08/2016 11:26

It is a pity you mentioned it before not after the holiday. Have you been able to ask the children direct if they still want to come?

I don't think telling social services people are drunk in the house is going to help anyone. Mumsnet parents get drunk in their house many nights of the year and that isn't grounds to remove the children. ( no one drinks alcohol in our house so I've no axe to grind on either side here)

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:27

I was NOT bitching.

I was trying to make sure there were people looking out for them.

I know about building the picture - I was hoping when OH gets back he can chat to school and see if they have any concerns.

If they don't come on holiday then maybe I/they have nothing to lose and I will make a referral then.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:29

The friend had genuine concerns that the mum and OH and I all have.

She wasn't shit stirring but I think was happy to let me take the bullet when it all came out.

There is a lot more than just the lodgers.

OP posts:

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 06/08/2016 11:31

It's baffling me why you are investing so much thought, time and energy in to this. Mum says they don't want to come so whether you believe that or not is up to you. But for goodness sake just leave it at that and enjoy your holiday!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2016 11:32

If you have time to post one, a heartfelt letter is the best. It will have the most impact because it's something, we don't do very much anymore. It's also something we can touch, take around with us and look at. The shorter the better.

This is what I would include: You are really deeply sorry. Say how you realised you stepped massively over the mark. Give her a heartfelt apology for what you wrote as you never meant to hurt her or upset her and make her feel criticised. You used poor judgement contacting others behind her back. You truly only want what is best for her and her children. That you really would like an opportunity to make it up to her. Ask her if she could find it in her heart to forgive you.

As for taking the children, I think I would leave it. Much as that's what you want to say, any request will be too much. You did what you did and i think most of us understand why. Maybe just maybe you'll let you take the kids. But that will only work if you give her space to come to the conclusion herself. If not, there really will be a next time. Even if it's not for another year.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 06/08/2016 11:34

Mummy's post is perfect! Exactly that.

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:34

Because I adore the kids and have been in their lives for seven years?

OP posts:

trafalgargal · 06/08/2016 11:39

well if you love them that much then you'll be doing all possible to put things right with their Mum (not to mention not making things more difficult for their Dad to see them)

You messed up. It's up to you to put things right.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2016 11:42

You mean mine? Thank you Lorelei

scaryteacher · 06/08/2016 11:43

Elspeth Trafalgargal My dh used to disappear off for months at a time, without contact, because the RN required him to do so. Google nuclear submarines, ladies, the whole point is that they are dived, covert, and no contact is allowed with families. With a name like Trafalgargal, I would have thought you might have twigged!

Original poster

Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:50

I can't post anything about his job because of the threats ATM.

OP posts:

cansu · 06/08/2016 11:57

If it won't be seen as a safeguarding concern that is possibly because it isn't! That being the case what you have is that her way of caring for her children doesn't meet your standards or the standards of her so called friend. You have massively over stepped the mark and have really shot yourself in the foot as you will now have less access to the children and less info about what they are doing. Your dp will probably need to sort access out him the courts which would be hugely expensive. There are plenty of people whose parenting is far from being the lively yummy mummy standard of many, but that doesn't make it neglect or abuse. The fact that people drink around her kids or that she has lodgers again whilst probably not something you would ever consider doing again does not make the home unsuitable. You need to have a good hard look at this and be honest with yourself. You have made this situation worse. The best thing you can do is apologise wind your neck in and wait until the dust settles. In all likelihood if the girls like coming to yours the mum will relent in time, but this will probably not be in time for the holiday especially as their father won't be there.

fuckyoucanceryoucuntingknob · 06/08/2016 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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