WWYD Re DSDs wanting to come on holiday

[Cutecat78]

I am going to "out" myself here but I am a bit beside myself.

Booked a holiday for us and our 6 kids. (None together).

OH got sent away for work. He is totally out of the picture right now.

DSDs (9 and 11) still massively excited about coming. Which was great. Was actually really looking forward to having a week with them.

I went to see them a few weeks ago (ex wife and I were v friendly) and was worried about living arrangements (ex wife renting massive house and has 4 lodgers, 3 male no DBS checks - everyone getting drunk), lots of other concerns.

I drove away v worried so messaged her best friend who said she had been messaging ex wife mum and suggested I did the same.

So I did saying please can you keep an eye as am very worried I don't want to say anything and offend ESP as we have this holiday booked and she (ex wife) has form for threatening no access.

Her mum did nothing other than tell her I had messaged and what I said.

Predictably she has said I can no longer have a relationship with the kids and she "has asked" them if they want to come away and they don't (apparently).

I have said if they change their minds that's fine please let me know.

Holiday is next week and am pretty sure am going to hear nothing and they won't have "changed their minds" just feel absolutely shit that they are going to miss their (only ever) holiday that they were so excited about.

Do I risk a last ditch attempt?

I know she is struggling with money and was relying on me for childcare for that week.

WWYD?

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Bangs head against brick wall

[RichardBucket]

So you were friends with someone who you think is neglecting their kids?

This gets stranger and stranger.

[KittensWithWeapons]

'I know all the info as previously stated through being friends with the ex wife'. Oh. Why were you friends with her if you dislike her so?

[Cutecat78]

I guess the issue is its not judging it's worrying about their safety and not being able to discuss it with OH so feeling a weight of responsibility as none of the other adults in their lives seem to be subjective.

I didn't want to do the "wrong thing" I felt and encouraged by her friend messaging her mum was "kinder" that an anonymous referral to SS.

[Cutecat78]

Anyway I was wrong and I have fucked everything up and OH will have to deal with it with her when he gets back.

[PinkissimoAndPearls]

If your threads are genuine (and I'm not saying they aren't of course) you really really over share and make yourself, your DP and therefore his family identifiable.

I know it's bad form to bring up other threads but you are the one who has given out so much information under the same name - given what you have posted about your DP and the nature of his job you are running very big risks, both with his employment and involvement of social services yourself .

I don't think you and your DP have the moral high ground to judge other peoples' parenting given the fact you quite happily post under the same name about issues he has which could conceivably pose a big risk to him and his colleagues. Stuff you have mentioned previously is worse than having non DBS checked lodgers and shagging three men in eight months. I won't say the specifics as you clearly wouldn't want it mentioned again but people do remember, especially with your identifying and unusual circumstances.

It's really a bit disingenuous to moan about other people bringing up other threads which you yourself have posted when the threads you post only contain half a story and the background you have provided on other threads is hugely important. I'm not saying exactly what you have posted as I know it's frowned upon, but it does provide a context.

What's that old saying about not judging as you get judged yourself? You really need to be more cautious about so much identifying info as if his ex wife sees your threads and takes them to your DP's employers/social services, your DP's ability to do his job and parent effectively will be (ironically) subject to a good deal of scrutiny.

It just leaves a bad taste in the mouth that you are condemning your partners' ex's parenting, both to people working in social services and on a public forum when he himself is very far from a perfect parent. I would be incandescent if I were her.

[SuburbanRhonda]

I still can't believe someone who works with social workers doesn't understand that when you have concerns about a child's welfare, you don't wait several weeks to discuss it with your other half.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

OP, use a name change in future! I think you need to work on building bridges right now, and also get your DP to step up and shoulder some of the responsibility here. They are his children; you cannot be expected to be as involved as you are. I appreciate he works away, but during the time he is home, it really is up to him to express any concerns he has over parenting. If I were you, I'd back off, wait for DP's return and discuss it with him. The 'friend' you mention isn't being a friend to anyone right now. She's sparked rumours and concerns about the ex, and encouraged you to speak to her mother, then watched the drama unfold.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Pink we all have our triggers and tend to sometimes judge others harshly for things we feel strongly about. I, too, remember some previous of ops previous posts.

It must be terribly difficult seeing two parents not parent their children well Cutecat. Unfortunately it is NOT your job to police the exW unless there are genuine safeguarding issues. You seem to believe not from a SS PoV.

Please take some of the advice on this thread and hopefully you will be able to restart a relationship with the children.

It is such a shame that their father cannot take it upon himself to leave his job and make a family unit with you if this is the best action for the children. God knows how much therapy these girls are going to need in the future.

[Hippywannabe]

OP I guessed he was on a sub, I don't know anything about your previous posts and whether you are genuine or not.
Can you contact Naval Welfare and ask if they can provide some unbiased contact? My children were considered dependants up until they became adults and we received support on occasion many years after I actually divorced my Naval husband.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

It was so obvious the DH was in the services somehow. Gets right on my tits when posters insist that a court order can be held and of course he is contact able. Services don't work like that somehow "sorry captain, I can't go on a 6 month tour, court says I've got to have my children every other weekend" .

[diddl]

"sorry captain, I can't go on a 6 month tour, court says I've got to have my children every other weekend"

So maybe there comes a time to rethink & put your kids first?

[Doggity]

If strongly believe your children are being neglected by your ex, then you shouldn't get on the damn nuclear submarine in the first place. This has been a concern for years. It's not as if he hasn't had time to consider his employment options or attempt a social services referral.

[RubbleBubble00]

Iv read your previous stuff and have sympathy. Unfortunately unless your oh is going to leave the navy or asked for a land based post there's not much impact he can have.

As iv previously said in his position in would be seriously rethinking my career and making big changes for the welfare of his girls

[SharonfromEON]

I have searched and feel greatly for DSC...

You have made a serious error of judgement about who are friends..Childrens' mum is not your friend, her best friend is not your friend.. I am shocked you thought otherwise..

You have said you have no plans to report them to SS..
Are you going to apologise? Ho do you think DH is going to feel when he comes back and you have completely broken down relationship between him and his kids?

[diddl]

So when he is away like this, do the kids stay with his mum all the time?

[diddl]

their mum!

[Memoires]

RubbleBubbke, It's pretty clear he's not going to change anything though isn't it?

So what's the best way to ensure the welfare of the girls, given that their dad isn't really going to be in the picture? Is it a referral to SS, and to continue contacting SS every time?

[SemiNormal]

I think some posters here are being a bit harsh TBH regarding your OHs career. It's not as simple a leaving other jobs and there are LOADS of military children who don't see their dads so often who grow up very balanced individuals.

I think when you and your OH are in contact again then you both need to sit down and have a discussion about what your role is, when you need to step in etc. I do appreciate that it must be difficult to make the 'right' decision regarding the children when OH is away.

I have serious issues with woman who have a revolving door of men in and out of their childrens lives, I understand your concern but think that you're right in the sense that social services won't do anything.

FWIW I haven't read any of your other threads but don't fall into the trap of attempting to justify yourself and your life to people on here.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

OP- I think you need to sort out getting parental responsibility as you look after the kids without their mum or dad there.

I think you need to do a lot of grovelling to the mum and to revisit your boundaries. The mum is not your friend. You need to treat her like a boss or work colleague - be friendly and bite tongue when she's being unreasonable. (You haven't said she's unreasonable.) use FB messenger so you can get your thoughts down on paper and accept that she might not change her mind.