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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD Re DSDs wanting to come on holiday

147 replies

Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 10:26

I am going to "out" myself here but I am a bit beside myself.

Booked a holiday for us and our 6 kids. (None together).

OH got sent away for work. He is totally out of the picture right now.

DSDs (9 and 11) still massively excited about coming. Which was great. Was actually really looking forward to having a week with them.

I went to see them a few weeks ago (ex wife and I were v friendly) and was worried about living arrangements (ex wife renting massive house and has 4 lodgers, 3 male no DBS checks - everyone getting drunk), lots of other concerns.

I drove away v worried so messaged her best friend who said she had been messaging ex wife mum and suggested I did the same.

So I did saying please can you keep an eye as am very worried I don't want to say anything and offend ESP as we have this holiday booked and she (ex wife) has form for threatening no access.

Her mum did nothing other than tell her I had messaged and what I said.

Predictably she has said I can no longer have a relationship with the kids and she "has asked" them if they want to come away and they don't (apparently).

I have said if they change their minds that's fine please let me know.

Holiday is next week and am pretty sure am going to hear nothing and they won't have "changed their minds" just feel absolutely shit that they are going to miss their (only ever) holiday that they were so excited about.

Do I risk a last ditch attempt?

I know she is struggling with money and was relying on me for childcare for that week.

WWYD?

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 11:01

So are you going to phone SS or the NSPCC for advice, OP?

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 06/08/2016 11:02

SS are not the 'child-snatchers' they are often made out to be. Unless the situation is really dire, they will not immediately put the children into care but rather place them in the 'at risk' category while they work on changing the environment the children are in. I feel you are really hurting, because you are afraid the children may think you have rejected them, and at the moment, you have no idea what their mum has told them.

ElspethFlashman · 06/08/2016 11:02

How come he's so uncontactable? Is he in prison?

What if one of them had a serious accident or worse?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:03

I have spoken to two of my managers who are social work practice managers.

I never ever grill the kids about what is going on. Ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:05

Elspeth

He is not in prison.

He would not get informed of anything.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 06/08/2016 11:07

WTF??? Is he in a silent retreat????

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 11:07

I have spoken to two of my managers who are social work practice managers

So that makes you a social worker, then? And you still don't know that it's possible to phone for advice without making a formal referral?

Hmm
trafalgargal · 06/08/2016 11:07

What kind of a job means he can't keep to court ordered access ? Is he a spy (about as likely as you working for SS as your knowledge is so poor).

Frankly the best thing you could do is drive up to seeher and apologise as you were bang out of order but it doesn't sound like you will. There are always excuses but if it is that important to you you'd try even if it's a bit embarrassing to admit you were in the wrong.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 06/08/2016 11:07

I don't think this is your battle to fight. Just go and enjoy your holiday and stop worrying about them back at home, or else you will dampen it for the children who are going on the holiday ie your own children. Stop making it your problem.

SemiNormal · 06/08/2016 11:08

I never ever grill the kids about what is going on. Ever. - I'm sure you don't but in her mind people have been talking about her behind her back, she's going to feel paranoid now. Sad

I would simply phone up and apologise profusely, or if she has Facebook it might be better as you can message a lengthy message without being hung up on. I would tell her you completely understand that you've broken her trust and would like to do what you can to repair that and that you feel awful that the children may miss out on a holiday due to your actions (I know it's not entirely your fault for being concerned etc but won't harm to eat some humble pie).

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:08

Why would I ask for further advice when I have already asked for advice Confused

No am not a social worker.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 11:09

If you are not a social worker, how can two of your managers be social work managers?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:11

Erm - because they are?

It's not really relevant why I am
managed by Practice Managers is it? Confused

We have been through a massive restructure and management were moved around.

OP posts:
LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 06/08/2016 11:11

I agree with semi - if you really don't think this is a case for SS, then make that last ditch-attempt, and messaging is the better option, as you have time to consider what you are saying, rather than allowing a call to get heated. Don't just turn up as that could be very distressing for the children. If she is short of childcare, and you word it carefully, she may eventually agree.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:12

No I would not just turn up.

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/08/2016 11:13

Agree with others. You cannot force his ex to allow their dds to go on holiday with you. Go with your own dc.

How long have you been together ? If the relationship between him , his ex and their dc is so fragmented then it isn't your place to resolve it. If the dc are living potentially at risk then it is your, and every other adults, responsibility to do something about it . However it isn't usual to dbs every visitor and that system us not foolproof. If ss might not be interested Hmm then it might be worth speaking to a charity like nspcc or childline as to how to approach it.

DementedUnicorn · 06/08/2016 11:13

I just don't understand how if two social workers already told you there are no safeguarding concerns how you still felt the need to step in by gossiping. And that's what they had to of told you because as someone who works in that area no one will have said well there are some concerns but we'll just ignore them for now and see if they get worse

eddielizzard · 06/08/2016 11:14

well what do you want us to say?

what do you think is the best thing to do?

Finola1step · 06/08/2016 11:15

I think I would fall on my sword a bit (for the sake of the dc). Email/text/write to the mum and apologise for offending her, over stepping the mar etc etc. Tell her that the dds are still very much welcome to come on the holiday. That you will pick them up and take them home etc etc tell her whatever it takes so that she relents.

It doesn't matter if she then thinks that she has got the upper hand. All that is nonsense. The priority is you seeing your sds and them getting their much longed for holiday. Good luck.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:15

Social care in in complete crisis right now because of restructuring and cuts.

You would be shocked at what does not reach their thresholds.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 06/08/2016 11:16

OP, you can get information from children, in a round about way and seeing that you are trained to do so, I don't know why you haven't.

I've seen your previous threads.

You should have been ignoring the 'friend', as the SW Managers should have told you to and told her to report directly.

There wasn't enough concerns, if there had of been, the SWs would be duty bound to report, so you shouldn't have been contacting her Mother.

If the Mother wasn't already looking out for her GC, then it could have been that she was colluding and helped to shut the children up.

I can't believe that you weren't better advised.

Things can't get worse, you need to apologise and admit that you got it wrong and see were it goes.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:17

finola

Yes - falling on my sword might be it.

I don't care about all that upper hand shit no - I just care about the kids.

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 06/08/2016 11:19

OP, you can get information from children, in a round about way and seeing that you are trained to do so, I don't know why you haven't. - I'd be VERY VERY careful about that. Hmm

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:20

If I report to SC they will phone her and have a conversation with her.

She is very articulate and they will leave it at that.

They won't visit, they won't do an IA.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/08/2016 11:21

Semi

I wouldn't do that. Ever.

OP posts: