To think my ex-wife doesn't need to tell my male partner I was previously married to a woman

[Qedwai]

I've created a new account for this. Despite being British born I come from a very conservative family. I was always worried that revealing my sexuality would result in me being killed. This is no exaggeration. My family despise homosexuals. So I hid my sexuality from everyone. When I went to university at 18 I met my now partner. I am now 33 and we have been together for almost 16 years. We have two children through surrogacy (hence why I'm a member of mumsnet).

What he doesn't know is that I was previously married. At 19 I was bullied into an arranged marriage that I never wanted. I was scared and felt I had to go through with it. She was from a different country and I got married islamically (never legally) aged 19. My University course took a total of 7 years. 5 to qualify and three to be fully specialised. This allowed me an excuse to stay away from my wife as much as possible as I was not sexually attracted to her and was never able to have sex.

I was extremely torn as my Partner was putting pressure on me to come out and my wife was putting pressure on me to finalise the immigration process so that she could move to the UK to start a life with me. So at 25 I just came out to my family. They never spoke to me again.

I also explained the situation to my wife. She hated me too which I understand. The only thing I never did was tell my Partner any of this. I came out publicly after coming out to my family and wife and did wrestle with telling my partner but we were in the process of moving in together and I was absolutely terrified of losing him. He was, and is my absolute world.

My ex-wife has remained out of my life for years but recently started saying she was going to tell my Partner that I was married.This is because I am due to marry my Partner in a few weeks time.

I was never able to have sex with my wife and the marriage was annulled when this came to light. So in a way we were never even married.

AIBU to think this is very spiteful for her to want to tell my Partner? Do you think he will be very hurt by this? Enough to call off the wedding? He is a man with great integrity and morals. He will be horrified to think he had slept with a man while that man was married to someone else.

In my circle of friends this scenario has happened to many of them so is not uncommon. If I didn't love him so much I would have told him years ago. But a future without him would be unbearable so there's too much to lose.

But it was her that put pressure on me to tell no one and this was why we kept that fact secret for so long
Maybe because she was worried about her besti being done? Her izzat?

Anyway, regardless of what she does or doesn't want to do, you need to tell DP. You are focusing too much on exW and her intentions. Focus on the future and being honest.

Does being hurt and wronged permit a women to behave in any way she likes for the rest of her life?

She has been absent from the OPs life for years, and is now choosing to threaten him with disrupting not only his life, but the life of two DCs?

From what I know of arranged marriages, it is not unusual for one or other party to discover after the ceremony that their new spouse was not marrying for "love" and that there are secrets that have been kept from them. The risk the OP describes of physical violence and estrangement is often enough for the "secret" to be kept hidden and for the marriage to continue as a sham, with one or both of the couple unhappy. Children are often brought into the situation, too.

While what the OP did when he was a young man may not be "honourable" it is as much a part of the culture as the arranged marriage itself, in my experience. The woman he "married" would have known that. She may well have been a victim of parental and cultural pressure too, but that does not justify her threatening the OP. They are both victims of a culture that the OP has subsequently rejected. She has the choice to do the same.

Your upcoming marriage is a good excuse to tell your partner, under the guise of 'I want us to get married with no secrets'.

If not now, when? You might spend your whole life waiting for the right moment, or hoping every day that your ex won't reveal all. That's no way to live. Better to rip the plaster off before marriage now, than live with it any longer.

I am sorry, but I do think you should tell it all to your partner. He should be able to trust you.
It will be a difficult conversation, but it's something that could come out at any time, for whatever reason, and it will be better if it comes from you than anyone else. Your ex-wife or whoever.

It is very vindictive and vengeful of her to do this, but are you legally divorced, even though you say you weren't legally married?

It seems like your new relationship has been built on lies, so no sympathy there I'm afraid. Pity you didn't wrestle with your decision not to tell your partner. I couldn't marry somebody who had lied about something so important, and hope your partner can get through this.

You lied to your ex wife and strung her along too, she is just as much if not more of a victim than you.
I'm sorry your family treated you so badly, I can't imagine how hurt you must have been, so sorry for you.
However, this doesn't give you the right to go on to ruin other peoples lives.
You reap what you sow.

I think instead the title being "To think my ex-wife doesn't need to tell my male partner I was previously married to a woman" should actually have said: "To think I don't need to tell my male partner I was previously married to a woman whilst I was seeing him".

The exW is a red herring in all this. As I've said previously take her out of the equation and tell him, tell him, tell him.

If I were your partner, I would want to know. I cannot imagine that such a secure, committed relationship would be rocked by the idea that you had been bullied at a young, impressionable age into getting married, that the marriage had never been consummated and had subsequently been annulled. After all, many, many gay people have same-sex relationships when they are younger. Social messaging is a powerful thing, and if you're told your inclinations are 'wrong', you may try to 'fix' them by plunging head-first into a heterosexual union.

I think if I were your partner, I would be more hurt that you had hidden the truth from me than the actual story. I would probably feel a little angry, a little betrayed that you hadn't trusted me with the truth, and that you'd been 'cheating' with me at the start - though it's not really cheating is it? You weren't sleeping with, or in love with, your wife. However, if I heard that your exP was trying to blackmail you, I think I'd be even more outraged by that. It would be upsetting but not a dealbreaker.

I think it's time to put your trust in the strength of those years you have together, and in the bond you share. Marriage is a good time to clean out any secrets. Otherwise, your wife has blackmailing power over you forever.

How does she propose to tell him? Is she in contact with him?

I have been completely physically faithful to my Partner. I know I got MARRIED but I have never been physical with anyone but him and this is my only secret I have kept from him

personally, if you were my dh, I would still feel betrayed. When you were being forced into marriage and everyday since, and you kept it from him, you betrayed his trust. Yes you had your reasons. But he should have been allowed the chance to decide what he wanted.

I would have no issue with dh being married before. In any circumstances. The fact that all this has happened, this woman has had a huge impact on you (and you on her) while you were with him would take a lot of getting over, if at all.

You need to tell him, because she will. So either way the fact that you have hidden this will come out. How it comes out may be the difference in your relationship surviving or ending.

You must also have a very low opinion of your partner and his family to think he wouldn't understand your initial position and the pressures you faced.
He may well be justified in leaving you now, but you never gave him the chance to be there for you or make his own choice about the situation.

What would you have wanted from him if the situation was reversed?

I know this doesn't address your question - but OP, are you and/or your partner and ex going to be safe if this thread outs you? Might you be risking more violence from your family?

To respond to your question - I do think you need to tell your DP, just as you have explained it here. He might not understand - there's a lot my DH does which the culture gap between us makes it difficult to understand - but for white British people, fully disclosure and total honesty are generally considered essential to marriage.

You need to tell him but you also need to prepare yourself for the consequences. It may not end well. I would feel very hurt and betrayed personally.

Wow so you met your partner at 18 but went through a marriage ceremony at 19.

Putting aside the sexuality which isn't the main issue.....or wouldn't be for me at least. The thing that would really hurt is that you snuck off and got married whilst already in a relationship with me and have lied throughout the years to me consistently. Not "just" by omission but huge fundamental lies and quite simply didn't trust me enough to understand. I'd be furious you had children with me without revealing this secret as to me children are a far bigger commitment to a relationship than a wedding ceremony.

Frankly your selfishness to both your partner and the woman you went through a marriage ceremony with whilst knowing you had no intention of keeping that commitment is horrible. As a parent you know you robbed her of seven years of motherhood , or worse permanently ......whilst you were having children with someone else. She has every right to find your conduct unforgivable ......and may feel your partner has the right to know the lengths you are capable of going to in lying to both her and him.

I think even if you have no genuine regret but are simply afraid of getting found out you have to tell your partner the truth before the wedding ......and yes they may cancel or postpone the wedding as they may be rocked by the truth (or maybe they do know or suspect and have been waiting for you to tell them). You've lied for long enough and these things do come out eventually and the longer you keep the secret the greater the fallout will be. It won't be easy .....but it won't get any easier and far far better your partner hears it from you than your wife or family who would give him the bald facts , at least you may have the chance to explain your side.

I don't see how you can put the sexuality to one side.

OP
Lots of good advice and empathy for you, your partner and ex wife. Plenty for you to think about.

If you are worried by the thread being identifying and finding its way out of mumsnet you can just click the report button and report your own post. If you tell hq your concerns they will, I'm sure zap the thread for you.

I think your ex 'wife' is being spiteful. Of course what you did hurt her, but she played her part to make it many years, not just two that this charade lasted.

I think if you talk to your partner as you have here, he will understand. Explain that you feared for your life & his and were, as a 19 year old, bullied into it. Make sure he understands you NEVER would have consummated it, you just went through the religious service while you tried to work out what to do. I would try to avoid using the word marriage as much as possible, I'd refer to the religious service which was the beginning of the marriage process. It's not real, it's not legal & it was annulled. Distance it from the marriage you are planning with him - the two are not comparable. Also explain what you said about not telling him when it happened because your relationship was so, so new - had you been more established, hopefully you could have told him.

I'm white, British and don't have ANY religion. However, I totally understand the immense pressure you were under as a TEENAGER to conform to your families religious/cultural beliefs and if you were my partner I'd feel very sorry for you.

Of course I'd be hurt that you hadn't told me until now, I'd feel upset that you didn't trust me enough to tell me. I'd need some reassurance that I hadn't failed you.

But to be honest, if he doesn't understand how scared & bullied you were as a TEENAGER in a very scary religion/culture/family then he's not worthy of your love.

"She was happy to just move to the UK with an annulled marriage." So you helped her commit fraud to emigrate here illegally? As your wife?

You do realise that when you give notice of marriage you will have to declare all of this anyway?

It sounds as if there is a lot more to this than some poor frightened nineteen year old being coerced into an arranged marriage. I absolutely understand the inability to come out to your family. However it appears that you married this woman and you then used that status to gain her entry into the UK.

I don't believe this was a forced marriage at all. I think you willingly married this woman to get her into the UK, it's very common, and it's a crime. And the reason why you didn't tell your partner is because he would rightly have ended the relationship. And when you tell him that you were married to her and the marriage was never consummated but she came to the UK as your wife anyway the penny will drop and he'll put two and two together and come up with the truth.

Why were you ready to 'come out' and be disowned by your family at 25 but not ready at 22? 23? Were your parents financially supporting you until you qualified by any chance?

I think you've behaved with appalling selfishness. To everyone involved.

Perhaps you could play nasty with her too. Is she in the UK? Perhaps you could make it clear you would report her to immigration as she is no longer married to you and presumably has questionable immigration status?

both the OP and his ex W were victims. Whilst I can see that waiting from 19-25 is not ideal- 25 is young for her, young enough to start over.

but clearly she has NOT moved on, as if she was happy she would not be making these threats- so me calling her names was a tad unkind.

but its not OP fault, they were both victims and I stand by that.

OP be very brave and tell your DP, he is not stupid- he will if he knows how to read a paper have some inkling of the pressure you were under. I don't think you lied by omission, I do think you and your ex wife had a very sad experience

I would personally email her, and say "there is no need to tell him. he knows". and then maybe its time to apologise not for you actions, but for the mess this situation also left her in.

She's done nothing wrong, had been waiting for years to consummate the marriage and move to the UK and have children and it was never going to happen. I was never conflicted. I always knew I would never consummate the marriage. I would never have done that and cheat on my Partner

In other words, you've been quite the coward.

Yes, in a conservative religious family, a man coming out as gay is difficult. But in any conservative religious culture, the ramifications for a woman are ten-fold. Women always end up at the bottom of the heap, and clearly you don't consider her fully human or worthy of your respect.

There's an awful lot of misogyny in your attitude; being gay doesn't vaccinate you against this in some magical way.

Woah there wannabe, I don't think that's right at all with the immigration stuff.

While they were married, by the sounds of things she was not in the country - for 7 years that is! It was after the marriage was annulled, when OP was 25, that she moved to the UK. I assume she took the appropriate and legal route to immigrating, there is nothing to suggest otherwise?

I just don't understand why there's any contact with this woman? The marriage was annulled 12 years ago. No children. So why has she contacted you out the blue and what does she want?

wanna, that's surely not what he is saying?

There was no legal marriage in the first place - UK immigration might have let her in on a visa as someone who was about to be married, but they do chase up to see that the legal marriage happens.

Isn't it more likely the OP means that she was eligible to immigrate anyway, and did so, despite the marriage being annulled?

AIBU to think this is very spiteful for her to want to tell my Partner?
YABU. And cruel. And thoughtless. And totally lacking in empathy.

Did you at any point in your deception consider what your actions would do to her life? When you married her, you ensured she would not be married to someone else. Someone she could have started her life with, had children by, been happy with. But no, your actions meant she stayed at home, still in her parents' home; waiting, waiting, waiting.

And then, after waiting for seven looooong years, she had to face the ignominy the shame, the humiliation of an annulment. What do you think that meant for her life? How marriageable would she be considered? What would life be like for her, in that community? What would life be like fir her if she were effectively shunned into spinsterhood? Or would she be pressured (again) into marrying another stranger, but maybe this one less respectable, someone no-one else would let their daughter marry?

What effect did your sustained deception have on her life?

You have no right, no right at all, to call her spiteful. You should hang your head in shame at how you used this woman to veil yourself.

As to your dilemma - of course you should tell your partner. If he's worth a damn he will understand the pressure you felt and your fears for your and his safety. If you're very lucky he won't share my opinion n your shameful treatment of your wife.