In feeling my life is being controlled by my partners ex?

[Pinktartan]

Hi,

I'm seeking some words of wisdom, and getting some issues off my chest regarding my current relationship.

I have always been an independent person (early thirties, no dc), and have not had anybody to answer to for many years (travelled widely, lived in different countries etc) which is why I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or whether I'm just being selfish?

I am now dating a guy and our relationship has reached its 1 year point so I'm starting to consider the longer term future and the possibility of marriage to this person. He has two dc who stay every other weekend and one night during the week. I have a good relationship with his dc.

What I am struggling to deal with, is (what I see as) the control his ex has over his life (and now mine). In my mind he treads on egg shells around her as he is terrified she will stop him seeing his dc.

Example- I love holidays and my passion is exploring far flung destinations, but he refuses to go away on holiday with me for any longer than a few nights as otherwise he would have to swap contact time with his dc. He refuses to ever let his parents or other family or anybody else babysit his dc in his contact time, as the ex doesn't allow it (she claims nobody else should have them in his time at all), and so we can never do anything without them, e.g. attend weddings etc during these weekends unless his dc can also attend. This is causing some resentment on my behalf as I feel we are turning down a lot of invitations, missing out on social occasions, holidays, and I feel he shouldn't allow his ex partner to dictate what he can do. He certainly has zero say in her life or her time with the dc, so I can't understand why he lets her dictate what he does.

In my view she rules his life (and now mine) as every other weekend he basically isn't allowed to go out (Friday-Monday). Obviously 99% of the time he wouldn't anyway, but I personally can't see why he can't let his parents babysit for one night, or one weekend if we wanted to go on holiday (his dc would love this, as would his parents- it is just the ex partner he is scared of upsetting). He also won't ask her to ever swap weekends in case she 'kicks off' or uses it against him in regards to courts/contact time etc.

However, his ex swaps weekends and takes holidays into his weekends at the drop of a hat. His response to her is always "yes no problem" but in private he gets incredibly annoyed over this, venting his frustrations to me (but not to her) and when I voice my opinion that I think he should tell her he needs more notice if she wants to swap weekends he gets very angry and quickly shuts me down, basically saying that I shouldn't stick my nose into where it isn't wanted and it's nothing to do with me or that I don't understand. (He's right- I don't!)

I don't think I am being unreasonable in my expectations but I am wondering if the situation I'm experiencing is to be expected when you date somebody with children as I have only dated single childless men before? I don't think he will change and stand upto her, certainly not any time soon and He doesn't appear to listen to my opinions.

Any advice?

OP - I get where you are coming from. It's tough. My partner has children and the way I have dealt with it is to keep having an independent life and not to have any expectations of spending time with him when I want to over the next few years. We manage short holidays at times when he can arrange childcare and I have become used to him not knowing until the last minute whether he can definitely make events!

The difference for us is that he would never shut me down if I tried to talk about my concerns or how I am feeling. We are very open with each other - he knows that I find it difficult occasionally but also that I fully support his parental commitments. I know that he cares about me and that he tries his best for everyone in his life.

Sometimes I am very envious of friends who are starting out on their life together with a partner who has no other commitments and who they can create their own families with. It is very difficult being the second family. I would not choose it if I were ten years younger and thought there might be someone else out there for me!

IT depends on whether he wants to or not. And that's up to him. No being a parent doesn't mean you cease to be a person, but in our case we haven't yet found a situation where we would prefer to go off for a weekend or attend a wedding without them. But all circumstances are different. I'm often away from my children - I work but then in my leisure time I want to be with them.

I have always been an independent person (early thirties, no dc), and have not had anybody to answer to for many years

translation: I'm used to getting my own way and now I'm annoyed my DP won't do as he's told.

Sorry if that's not true OP but in the context of everything I've read (on the first couple of pages, anyway) I can't get past thinking this is the root of the issue.

Your DP fought a court battle to get a smidgen of contact with his DCs and yet you think he should palm them off on someone else to go galavanting off with you? YABVU.

He's sticking to the arrangements he made and putting his children first yet you call him spineless? Whereas if he dumped his DCs because that's what you want him to do, that would be assertive I suppose?

And when he says that his arrangements for contact with his children aren't up for discussion, you don't respect that and instead try to belittle him with passive aggressive remarks like "tut, why can't you say anything to her?" Yeah why on earth would anyone get annoyed at that? Why doesn't he take your belittling comments on the chin like a real man eh?

Do your DP a big favour and tell him to run. He - and his DCs - deserve better. A pp stated that you were "now being controlled by a man" - I think the only one being controlling here OP is you.

You want him to brush off the children when they aren't convenient for you. Why not just leave him? Find a man without children.

I don't think either you are wrong, it just sounds like you have different wants and needs. You're incompatible.

I think this is the crux of it.

Neither of you should have to change. Both of you are capable of finding partners who will make you happy. He needs a homebody, you need someone who likes adventure and isn't tied to being home every other weekend. There's no shame in admitting it doesn't work.

This is why I'd never date anyone with kids (I don't have any either).

It's far too messy.

I want a guy who can be with me whenever we want and with whom I can have fun and adventures, not just day-to-day grind. Sadly children bring responsibility which he is (quite rightly) honouring.

Yes, he's being inflexible, but it's understandable to a degree. I think you're best off with a childless guy who can lead the kind of life you want.

I think being a NRP is different from being a two parent household. If for example, you say 'can you swap your Wednesday for 2 days next week and its not his weekend, thats 2 weeks when he wont see the children. Its a lot. I have young kids and went away for a long weekend recently. 3 days was enough tbh. Id be really fed up of it to say the least if they were away for 2 weeks. And one weekday night must be just a few hours before bed, I would have thought. If you had your own children, I would imagine it would be worse, as he would have to be proving to his first children that they are still important to him, even though they dont live with him, when your children do. You need to find someone at the same life stage as you. He doesnt sound marriage/babies committed to you either. Otherwise he wouldnt be telling you that his kids are none of your business. They certainly would be if he thought you were going to be married and their DSM and mother to their half siblings.

Slarti wow, projecting much?

Neither party is being unreasonable. Just incompatible.

OP It's not easy being in a relationship with a man who is in conflict with the mother of his DC's.

The fact that it went to court is indicative of a high conflict relationship between them (most parents sort it out without court involvement).
She and he have now developed a pattern to their separated parenting arrangement - any changes he tries to makes to the dynamic in his relationship with his ex now are likely to be "blamed" on you - both by is ex and by the DC's. It is hard to overcome that, even after many years.

You may have to decide whether the relationship you have with your DP is worth the sacrifices you would have to make to support his current parenting relationship with his ex. It will gradually evolve as the DC's get older, but it is unlikely to change very much until they are adults.

However, if you decide you do not have future together, do not rule out a relationship with a man with children. Some parents co-parent very well, and already have flexibility and effective communication.

you know what OP - can't you see that he is scared of losing contact with the kids? Maybe that is hard on you - but I feel for him if he has been through a lot he just isn't prepared to fall out with the ex right now.

Surely the right thing for any parent to do is to be the reasonable one where possible - even if she is being Unreasonable maybe he is being the compassionate/ peaceful one in the situation by not fighting back right now.

party invitations/ holidays may seem like a big deal to you -but he is telling you that he won't rock the boat when his access to his children is at stake.

If you really love him I would just hold on and support him - and in the end kids grow up and situations change don't they?

I think he is doing the right thing as he sees it and either you support him and see it as a long game - or you leave.

I also agree as someone pointed out that when you have children - not seeing them for two weeks is horrible. If he already doesn't see as much as them as he would like - why would he risk pissing the mum off and losing time with the in the long term?

I would do anything at all to avoid losing access to my children in this situation - he is just scared and you need to understand that.

I think its great that he is a good dad who doesnt want to risk his time with them.

I actually think your dp sounds like one of the good ones who is genuinely putting his dc first. I can also sympathise with him if his ex is so rigid about contact and refuses to swap weekends. That really is difficult when she holds all the cards. I've been there with dh.

But I've also been where you are and can see where you're coming from. Of course it would be preferable for both parents to be flexible and probably less potentially damaging for the children involved in the long run too. It's miserable for everyone having this constant backwards and forwardsing to contend with. Fwiw though I tend to agree with the ex that his contact time is just that - his contact time. I get very frustrated when I hear about nrp palming off their children onto other people like an inconvenience during their contact time. Every other weekend still leaves every other weekend free, which is something we didn't have (dh's choice).

Sorry op, but there are no winners in this situation - blended families are hard and a step parent's perspective is often overlooked or dismissed. I made a choice to support dh where I could. Thankfully he listened to me and did make serious attempts to encourage his ex to be more flexible. Sadly, she remained inflexible. But I loved him enough to go through the bad times with him and I respected him more both as a man and a father that he persevered to see his dc as much as possible, despite the tensions.

Over the years it got easier and communication between everyone became more constructive, but not without a huge amount of effort. One year is very 'new' in this kind of relationship so I think now is the time to decide if you can be in it for the long haul or quit now. It can work - I've been with my dh for 14 years now and we have a ds between us and one on the way. We have a great relationship with my now 16yo dsd. We're very happy. But it has tested the strength of our relationship. I regret nothing because I chose a good 'un.

I agree that neither of you are wrong , you are just incompatible .

And it will get worse, MUCH worse, if you ever have children with him.

Because your child will always come second to his children.

Because you disagree on parenting styles

And because he won't talk things out with you .

Re: holidays, what would happen if he asked for three extra days (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday) so you could both go away with the children for a week? It's not unusual for holidays to be included in contact arrangements

My DP has a son who stays at our place a similar amount to your DP's kids. His ex is lovely however and there is no issue with swapping weekends around.

However, I have also had to accept that there are lots of things we can't do as a couple during contact weekends (going to parties, birthday dinners unsuitable for DSS etc). It wouldnt seem right for DSS to be with a babysitter during contact tine except for a very rare special occasion. We don't have family who could babysit though, which would make it different IMO, provided your DP would actually be happy not spending all of his contact time with his DC from time to time. From your posts it is unclear whether the issue is really thrall to the ex, or actually your DP's own preferences.

The issue with going on holiday together without DSS again wouldn't be an issue for me and DP from an organisational perspective, but would be in so far as DP using 1 of his few holiday weeks to be away from DSS, when really as a parent he needs to be there to help cover as much school holiday as possible.

These things are hard to come to terms with, as it means your relationship misses out on lots of things most couples take for granted for years before they have children.

Even if the ex in your case was more flexible I'm not sure the big picture would change enough for you to feel very different.

Like you I don't have my own kids and I value my independence and love to travel. I therefore go to parties/dinners on my own during contact time, if I want to go but DP can't because it wouldnt be suitable for DSS. Sometimes it is a bit sad when everyone else is coupled up and/or it is something I know DP would really enjoy, but there you go. It is also good for DSS to spend time with his dad without me around sometimes. I also go on breaks and holidays with friends, as well as at least one week holiday per year with DP/DSS as well. I really enjoy having holidays with a variety of people actually, instead of always with DP!

Would getting used to doing a certain amount of stuff on your own / not with DP be an option for you? Especially as you are already used to being independent. If you have other childless friends, make the most of them!

I actually think your dp sounds like one of the good ones

This paragraph stands out to me However, his ex swaps weekends and takes holidays into his weekends at the drop of a hat. His response to her is always "yes no problem" but in private he gets incredibly annoyed over this, venting his frustrations to me (but not to her) and when I voice my opinion that I think he should tell her he needs more notice if she wants to swap weekends he gets very angry and quickly shuts me down, basically saying that I shouldn't stick my nose into where it isn't wanted and it's nothing to do with me or that I don't understand. (He's right- I don't!)

A good one wouldn't tell his partner to "not stick her nose where it isn't wanted". Not in my book anyway. He sounds more than defensive, he sounds downright hostile.

Someone can be a good parent but a shit partner. In fact someone can be a good parent and a shit partner to one person but a good partner to a different person. I really disagree with the people who are telling her to stick it out and be patient because of his circumstances. She has the right to have a partner who is actually a full partner and not someone who gets angry about a large aspect of his life.

Richard

Neither party is being unreasonable.

Wanting to be prioritised over your partner's DCs is unreasonable. Not respecting a DP's choices and decisions regarding their DCs is unreasonable. Calling your DP spineless because, ironically, they stood their ground and refused to dump their kids, is unreasonable.

I can see where you are coming from it doesn't seem u if the ex swaps sometimes that your DP could,it's not that you expect him to miss out on that contact time just rearrange it. However what I'm wondering is that is it because of how "unamicable" (excuse the made up word!) their split was and the circumstances behind their court hearings mean he's terrified of having all contact revoked? (This actually happening is highly unlikely but if it was really stressful to get contact or the ex has threatened to say something true or otherwise) however after a year your DP should be able to discuss this not shut you out. Long term it's going to be impossible for him to never move things around especially if you were marry or have DC of your own. So no I don't think yabu

I understand, OP. I've been in your situation. I loved his children and still miss them years later. Hated the ex wife always trying to exert control over his/my new life; hated that he let her because of guilt and God knows what else. We had counselling. It gave me the strength to leave him and find someone who put me and our life together before his previous partner. The issue, as a wise PP has said, is the dynamic between the parties involved. That won't change for several years, if it ever does. Don't waste years of your life on hold for something that might never happen. Even if things get better and more flexible, you will still resent the way you were pushed out in the early stages.

I can see where both of you are coming from. It's not unreasonable for him to put seeing his kids on a regular basis ahead of going travelling with you, and it also makes sense in his circumstances that he doesn't want to piss his ex off. Whether fair or not. I also think it's understandable that you, as a non-parent. fundamentally don't get it. There are non-parents who do understand, but I for one wouldn't have been capable of doing before I sprogged. There are individual behaviours you mention that aren't ok, like you calling DP spineless and himn telling you not to stick your nose where it's not wanted. Those comments are very unkind, though I'm sure plenty of us have said worse, but I think your individual positions are understandable in your circumstances. Your problem is that they're not easily reconciled.

TBH I agree with other posters that you're not suited to someone with this much baggage. It seems it would take a lot of sacrifice on your part to make it work. Only you can decide if it's worth that, really. It might be. Personally I don't think I'd ever have had a relationship with someone who had children already in my single days, because I wouldn't be prepared to make those compromises. But people do.

I think it is outrageous that he is letting his ex disrupt his children's relationship with their grandparents.

I don't think he sounds like a good guy.

I think he sounds like dick.

He is horrible to you and seeks to blame his ex for his choices.

People who can't take responsibility for their own choices are bad news.

op I feel your pain my partner has 3 children with his ex, it's a complicated business..

Does he work?
If so couldn't he take 2 weeks off work? Go away with you for a week and then have his children for the whole second week?
That way he's getting some alone time with u and then getting to spend a full week with his children? Would the ex allow that?

Secondly don't feel it's for other people to judge whether he sees his children enough or not that was not the point in the post and I'm pretty sure Op doesn't want that "advice"

Think another poster nailed it..most of these people commenting negatively are the ex in their situation.

You resent the relationship he has with his children and are critical of how he parents them. He could get babysitters if he wanted to.
After a year? I'd be walking firmly away.
He sounds like a great dad who wants to give his children stability and routine in the aftermath of a parental break up.
Your priorities are different. And you only have to read the step parenting board on here to see how many kids are caught up in the cross fire of a new partner resenting their existence and it's impact on her or his life. It's not fair on the kids. And they are always the priority as difficult as it seems to be for many grown women to deal with that.

Been there, have the t-shirt.

Leave the relationship, you'll never get what you want from it, which is a childless man.

Apologies, that was a bit blunt. But I've been a step mother. Unless the childrens mother is willing to bend, you will never have the relationship you are looking for. So I would advise leaving it sooner rather than later before you invest too much.

Things can change, and for me they did... eventually. But it was a long time coming.