In feeling my life is being controlled by my partners ex?

[Pinktartan]

Hi,

I'm seeking some words of wisdom, and getting some issues off my chest regarding my current relationship.

I have always been an independent person (early thirties, no dc), and have not had anybody to answer to for many years (travelled widely, lived in different countries etc) which is why I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or whether I'm just being selfish?

I am now dating a guy and our relationship has reached its 1 year point so I'm starting to consider the longer term future and the possibility of marriage to this person. He has two dc who stay every other weekend and one night during the week. I have a good relationship with his dc.

What I am struggling to deal with, is (what I see as) the control his ex has over his life (and now mine). In my mind he treads on egg shells around her as he is terrified she will stop him seeing his dc.

Example- I love holidays and my passion is exploring far flung destinations, but he refuses to go away on holiday with me for any longer than a few nights as otherwise he would have to swap contact time with his dc. He refuses to ever let his parents or other family or anybody else babysit his dc in his contact time, as the ex doesn't allow it (she claims nobody else should have them in his time at all), and so we can never do anything without them, e.g. attend weddings etc during these weekends unless his dc can also attend. This is causing some resentment on my behalf as I feel we are turning down a lot of invitations, missing out on social occasions, holidays, and I feel he shouldn't allow his ex partner to dictate what he can do. He certainly has zero say in her life or her time with the dc, so I can't understand why he lets her dictate what he does.

In my view she rules his life (and now mine) as every other weekend he basically isn't allowed to go out (Friday-Monday). Obviously 99% of the time he wouldn't anyway, but I personally can't see why he can't let his parents babysit for one night, or one weekend if we wanted to go on holiday (his dc would love this, as would his parents- it is just the ex partner he is scared of upsetting). He also won't ask her to ever swap weekends in case she 'kicks off' or uses it against him in regards to courts/contact time etc.

However, his ex swaps weekends and takes holidays into his weekends at the drop of a hat. His response to her is always "yes no problem" but in private he gets incredibly annoyed over this, venting his frustrations to me (but not to her) and when I voice my opinion that I think he should tell her he needs more notice if she wants to swap weekends he gets very angry and quickly shuts me down, basically saying that I shouldn't stick my nose into where it isn't wanted and it's nothing to do with me or that I don't understand. (He's right- I don't!)

I don't think I am being unreasonable in my expectations but I am wondering if the situation I'm experiencing is to be expected when you date somebody with children as I have only dated single childless men before? I don't think he will change and stand upto her, certainly not any time soon and He doesn't appear to listen to my opinions.

Any advice?

[RepentAtLeisure]

I have some sympathy for his situation, but it's sad that he doesn't have any sympathy for yours!

If the kids are still quite a way off from being teenagers, you are facing several years of being at the beck and call of this woman. It's sad for him, but you don't have to be miserable with him. it doesn't sound like you'll ever be a priority for him. You'll probably be far happier on your own.

[travellinglighter]

To be honest, I used to be the same when it came to my kids but I've noticed it's a one way street and so now as long as the kids are safe, happy and with someone I trust, I do what I like and ignore any grief my ex wants to give me. I give her extra time when she needs it but if she objects to anything I do, I smile and nod and do it anyway.

[ButtMuncher]

OP - you're not being unreasonable. I don't think your concerns are unjustified at all and I think you are right - your DP does bend over backwards for his ex - a lot of non-resident Dad's do or have done in the past for a variety of reasons. When I first met my DP he had been so ground down into thinking he was a bad Dad that he would have quite literally walked over fire to be seen as 'no 1 Dad' - DP did it for DSS, not his ex but she saw the opportunity and exploited this relentlessly and led to a huge, unhealthy dynamic that only disappeared when my DP finally overcome his own fears about his validity as a father (i.e; he stopped believing the crap his ex has said about him for 5 years). It was not pretty, but nearly a year on the dust has settled - neither of them get involved with each other and any piss taking on DP's exes part (it still happens) is met with a considered, objective response.

What I'm trying to say is that the dynamic in your relationship is not particularly healthy - it's normal for non-resident parents to want to spend their access time exclusively with their children, but at the same time those with a healthy perception of access time (i.e; not afraid of it being taken away and/or comfortable knowing they'll always see their children one way or another if they miss a week/day) are not so 'grabby' - they don't feel compelled to cram everything in, or overcompensate by agreeing to everything in case their parenting is criticised.

From DPs point of view (now), he wishes his son lived with him but acknowledges and appreciates that at the moment, 40% access is both fortunate and healthy for his son and ex. It wasn't what he expected when she gave birth to their son but he makes the most of his life now, rather than moping around bemoaning his ex and worrying about her behaviour. Because of this, he's significantly more emotionally available to everyone else around him, ironically most of all to his son He has no qualms in booking short breaks, of arranging holidays (with and without his son) and of politely requesting one off changes of access occasionally with his ex - to which she will say yes and no in equal numbers as is her right to do so. She does it far more often than we do, and rather than feeling guilty if we cannot have DSS, we recognise that we all have lives and it's not at any detriment to DSS.

The issue isn't the ex, it isn't you and it isn't your DP's children. It's the dynamic between all of the above and how you all fit in together. It's safe to say it's not always possible and the reason it worked for me and DP is that our views on parenting, appropriate access and tolerance to inappropriate behaviour were very closely aligned - it meant DP could flourish as a Dad for the first time because I was able to give him the space to do - whilst at the same time not fearing speaking up if I felt unequal in my house or if I felt DP was behaving unreasonably/DP's ex was taking the mick.

It seems you don't have that space or ability to speak, hence why your DP shuts you down. That would have been a deal breaker for me and I wouldn't have tolerated it. You may not be the Mum but you are not asking for wild changes - just the ability for your DP to be able to live a life as well, not independent of the children, but in addition to. That's a perfectly normal request within any relationship, whether the children are biologically yours or not!

Personally, I would be questioning the longevity of this relationship. Your DPs refusal to even listen to you indicates he has no time for your opinion and therefore, you won't ever play a significant parental role in his children's life - something that will become even more unequal as the relationship extends and if you ended up living together/having your own kids. If he won't listen to your POV now, he's unlikely to ever see the validity in anything you say about his children (say if they were misbehaving and you needed to have a chat with him) and you'll end up feeling more and more isolated as time goes on.

Good luck

[freshstart22]

Please be careful of the advice you receive on here. Many women on here are (or have been) the ex partner you describe. I have been through this. It is hard in the beginning and my partner was ruled by his ex for a very long time. The love you have for your children is so strong that you are terrified of someone taking that away from you. I was so frustrated by the situation but I loved his children and ultimately knew he was doing the right thing. We had many an argument over access as I also felt that his ex could change the arrangements at the drop of a hat but wouldn't bend when it came to him.

I can tell you that we stayed together, had children together and things got better. I don't think leaving him is the answer, being together only a year is a very short time when children are concerned. If you love him then stay.

[Lunar1]

He is choosing not to swap anything because he doesn't want to. You're making a mistake to pin the blame on his ex. He doesn't have to want to swap but he should be honest with you.

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

Good on him. So many adults mess around with contact etc when a new partner comes along and fail to put the children first. He's made it very clear that they are his priority as they should be.

If you want to jet off etc then find somebody single.

[logosthecat]

I think it sounds as though he's had a battle to get custody of his kids, and he's terrified of losing that, and determined to put contact time with them first.

I can see how this is annoying for you. I can also see how it makes him an INCREDIBLE dad.

I also think that some kind of stability and routine are quite important, both for parents and for children. However, there is a difference between routine and rigidity. The answer is probably a bit of flex, but in a framework where there is still broadly a pattern to give everyone security.

I think perhaps the thing is to start to negotiate more with the exP. So when she asks to move a weekend, he can say 'Yes, of course, that's no problem. As a trade, would you mind if I moved the contact time from HERE to HERE, as we would like to go away for a weekend then?' If it's presented as a trade, as a negotiation rather than a request, it may be psychologically easier for him, and simpler for her to understand that his situation is changing.

[mouldycheesefan]

He sounds a committed and responsible father. Of course his kids come first. You can go out with him as much as you want in the weekends he hasn't got the kids. It's only every other weekend he has them.
You have only been together a year, I don't know why you don't proceed with far flung holidays, attending weddings etc without him, go anyway. He can't go it doesn't mean that you can't. If you are restricting your own lifestyle and social events and planning then that is entirely a choice of your making. If that choice is making you unhappy then change it. I wouldn't expect to change him as essentially he is doing the right thing by his kids. I don think you should break up necessarily bit you ned to be a hit more independent and go off and do your own thing for Holidays etc. Sitting round feeling frustrated because he can't join you will bred resentment.

[Cosmo111]

Me and my ex split up it was important for DS contact had reguar and set access due to age, at the time ex would often off load DS who was a toddler to go to the pub to family was extremely distressing for him. It was his time with his DS which he wasn't having. There was a deeper issue here that he was heavily drinking and doing drugs. This isn't the case here.

Obviously it shouldn't be changed every week but such things as social events e.g weddings, christening etc should be accomated for both ways. If he's not prepared to brooch the subject you have two choices accept it as it is or leave and start a relationship with someone else who has less commitments.

[Pinktartan]

We do have very independent lives from each other, and the fact he is a committed father is an attraction for me. But when something crops up e.g. a wedding and there is no question of even attempting to rearrange contact, or a holiday is discussed over a calendar of dates which again he won't consider rearranging in case he upsets the ex it is upsetting. And as I previously said in the first six months or so of a relationship I wouldn't expect him to rearrange his calendar to fit me in, but now I am realising I don't think he will ever do it, not even as the occasional one off. I can't see how a relationship like this is equal and it is breeding resentment on my part. I will try and talk to him but if he shuts me out then I really can't see a happy future for us.

[Pinktartan]

Mouldy - since we have been together I have been on a city break and a weeks holiday in the sun with a friend, not to mention numerous day trips and weekends away in the UK. I have also been on a more exotic holiday for two weeks alone. I have no issue with this but I may as well be single if I am doing these things without him.

[mouldycheesefan]

Yes but he was clear on this from the start. You can't start expecting him to change now it won't happen.

[Inertia]

No matter how fond you are of one another, you and your partner want totally different things from this relationship.

He enjoys your company but his children are (quite rightly) his priority. He doesn't want to give up time with them to go travelling with you- that's his decision, regardless of how either of you try to spin it onto his ex.

You want a partner who is available to do the fun activities and travelling together. He isn't available. And the situation isn't going to change.

You need to decide whether he is important enough for you to give up your lifestyle for so that you are there for him and his children, or whether you want to enjoy your life in your way. He won't bend to fit you in.

[Pinktartan]

Thanks, as someone who doesn't have dc, I don't really understand that.

I see it as being nice when they're here, but I don't excitedly look forward to it like he must. It is a very intense relationship between their dad and them- they are very clingy, and he seems to almost encourage this and gives into their every demand and whim. I haven't really asked him how much he misses his dc when they're not here. I think he would like them more, but is accepting of and happy with the routine he has other than when his ex changes it around. I guess I need to find someone without dc who can commit to me 100% rather than the less than half hearted commitment he can give/is prepared to give me

[Pinktartan]

Thank you for sharing your experiences

[logosthecat]

I think it's hard for you, not having kids of your own. You sound like you want to travel and go out a lot still (at least for a few years), and his family life isn't really compatible with that. It's sad because it's not that he's the wrong guy, just that you are at different stages of life: he's settled and committed to his family, while you are wanting a bit more freedom and independence still, and feeling the lack of someone who can be there with you through that.

I don't think he's less committed to you - I don't think you are in 'competition' with the ex or the DC, however much it might feel like that. It's more that you have different pictures of what you want to do with your leisure time.

[WannaBe]

It's convenient for him to blame his ex because if he admits that he doesn't want to swap contact or get the parents to babysit then you will realise that these are his decisions which are unlikely to change.


He doesn't want to swap his contact weekends or palm the kids off on his parents when he only gets to see his kids eOW and one night a week.

What people who don't have kids find difficult to understand is the fact that when you split with a partner you go from having your kids full-time to having them less than you would want. If you have every other weekend free as well as every week night bar one, then there is plenty of time to be doing things which, let's be honest, most full-time parents don't get to do.


The reality is that trips to far-flung places just aren't on the agenda of most parents if the kids can't be a part of that. So if you want independent travel to far-flung places and to attend social events without kids then you need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have any.

[KittensandKnitting]

Very wise words from ButtMuncher

[Headofthehive55]

Just to give it context, I'm happily married to the father of my children and we aren't even keen on having a weekend away from them even though we see them all the time.

Having children is a commitment that you can't explain. I imagined pre children I would be able to return back to work without a moments backward glance...yeah right.

[CaptainMarvelDanvers]

I don't think either you are wrong, it just sounds like you have different wants and needs. You're incompatible.

[StatisticallyChallenged]

I don't think wanting to be able to attend a wedding on one of his weekends is too much to ask. If they were your-plural- children then you would have the option of arranging babysitters and there's no reason why this shouldn't be the case even when he has access.

I think some people are slightly over- egging things here though, being a parent does not mean you cease to be a person outwith that and can't enjoy life away from your children. Given that he has the children every Wednesday then if both sides stuck to this rigidly then the children would never be able to go on a proper holiday e.g. 1 or 2 weeks away as neither parent would be able to do that. When there are two parents in separate homes then a degree of flexibility is necessary or everyone including the kids will miss out.

[Whathaveilost]

I think he's not the guy for you at the moment to be honest.
You have different priorities and expectations at the moment. Nothing wrong with that except it's making you incompatible.

I'd leave the relationship on good terms if I was in your shoes.