In feeling my life is being controlled by my partners ex?

[Pinktartan]

Hi,

I'm seeking some words of wisdom, and getting some issues off my chest regarding my current relationship.

I have always been an independent person (early thirties, no dc), and have not had anybody to answer to for many years (travelled widely, lived in different countries etc) which is why I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or whether I'm just being selfish?

I am now dating a guy and our relationship has reached its 1 year point so I'm starting to consider the longer term future and the possibility of marriage to this person. He has two dc who stay every other weekend and one night during the week. I have a good relationship with his dc.

What I am struggling to deal with, is (what I see as) the control his ex has over his life (and now mine). In my mind he treads on egg shells around her as he is terrified she will stop him seeing his dc.

Example- I love holidays and my passion is exploring far flung destinations, but he refuses to go away on holiday with me for any longer than a few nights as otherwise he would have to swap contact time with his dc. He refuses to ever let his parents or other family or anybody else babysit his dc in his contact time, as the ex doesn't allow it (she claims nobody else should have them in his time at all), and so we can never do anything without them, e.g. attend weddings etc during these weekends unless his dc can also attend. This is causing some resentment on my behalf as I feel we are turning down a lot of invitations, missing out on social occasions, holidays, and I feel he shouldn't allow his ex partner to dictate what he can do. He certainly has zero say in her life or her time with the dc, so I can't understand why he lets her dictate what he does.

In my view she rules his life (and now mine) as every other weekend he basically isn't allowed to go out (Friday-Monday). Obviously 99% of the time he wouldn't anyway, but I personally can't see why he can't let his parents babysit for one night, or one weekend if we wanted to go on holiday (his dc would love this, as would his parents- it is just the ex partner he is scared of upsetting). He also won't ask her to ever swap weekends in case she 'kicks off' or uses it against him in regards to courts/contact time etc.

However, his ex swaps weekends and takes holidays into his weekends at the drop of a hat. His response to her is always "yes no problem" but in private he gets incredibly annoyed over this, venting his frustrations to me (but not to her) and when I voice my opinion that I think he should tell her he needs more notice if she wants to swap weekends he gets very angry and quickly shuts me down, basically saying that I shouldn't stick my nose into where it isn't wanted and it's nothing to do with me or that I don't understand. (He's right- I don't!)

I don't think I am being unreasonable in my expectations but I am wondering if the situation I'm experiencing is to be expected when you date somebody with children as I have only dated single childless men before? I don't think he will change and stand upto her, certainly not any time soon and He doesn't appear to listen to my opinions.

Any advice?

[Pinktartan]

His dc are a way off their teens yet. I am realising we have a lot of differences in our outlooks and lifestyles...

[Shizzlestix]

She cannot dictate who looks after the DC when he has them. He is entitled to allow the grandparents to look after them. If she keeps changing the weekends, so can he to suit. If he won't, despite having gone through the courts to get access, then he's a mug. If she tries to deny access because he wants to change a weekend, he can go back to court. Would she really cause an issue or is he paranoid?

[Pinktartan]

Thank you for sharing your experiences proud. It has given me food for thought and that future is exactly what worries me, as he doesn't appear to have a backbone when it comes to her.

[Pinktartan]

I doubt she would bother taking him to court, and I think he knows this, but I think he does genuinely worry about it, even though deep down he knows it won't happen.

[Bloopbleep]

I don't understand why you keep returning to blame the ex wife when everyone else has pointed out that your BF is the one making these decisions... And let's face it, would you really want to be with a guy who didn't put his kids first?

I totally understand why he wouldn't want a babysitter during his time with his kids. He loves them and will miss them dreadfully when they're not there. Last thing I'd do would be to palm them off on another albeit loving relative for one of my contact weekends or nights. That wouldn't really be fair to the children who want to see and expect time with their dad.

It's crap you're in a situation that's making you feel unhappy but you can't really blame anyone in this situation. For all intents & purposes you're an outsider or observer and that doesn't feel nice. Maybe you need someone without kids who can focus solely on you. At least recognise that the ex wife isn't making these decisions, it's him doing it and that won't change.

[TheSockGoblin]

I'm not entirely sure on this but if things have been agreed via the courts I think it can be seen quite badly if he doesn't stick to the times agreed?

You say she wouldn't bother taking him to court,..but if they already went the once to sort of access then I can see he might be anxious about the potential for it happening again.

I know she doesn't sticl to the times, but this might not be enough to reassure him about what might happen if he doesn't.

[Pinktartan]

Firstly she's not an ex wife she's an ex partner, and secondly I wasn't aware I was continuing to blame her. I'm perfectly aware that it is my dp 'obeying' her every word that is the problem.

I do admire his commitment to his dc of course, but it is a problem for me that we can't have a holiday together or attend a wedding if it's over his weekend. As I said it is a situation I am not experienced with, so have no idea if Im justified in feeling hard done by.

I have tried to be as understanding as possible, but ultimately it isn't what I want from a relationship. It's is difficult to accept, but if he doesn't listen to me, and if we are on such different pages I can't see how it will work out. Now I will have to explain this to him and hope he listens..

[Iflyaway]

I have always been an independent person (early thirties, no dc), and have not had anybody to answer to for many years (travelled widely, lived in different countries etc)

Yet, now you find yourself being controlled by a man who will not budge an inch to accommodate your lifestyle.

You don't need me to tell you what to do....

Book another ticket and run! Lots of wonderful independent guys out there. Go find one.

The alternative is living a life dictated by someone's ex. Even worse, it's living a life with a partner who is being dictated to by his ex. Why are you even interested in a guy without balls to stand up to her?!

[BestZebbie]

Can't you just go on holidays for the two of you in the periods when he doesn't have his children? Obviously there isn't a problem scheduling holidays with the children along, you do them on the contact weekends.

[Costacoffeeplease]

but if he doesn't listen to me, and if we are on such different pages I can't see how it will work out

This

[Iflyaway]

so have no idea if Im justified in feeling hard done by.

If your gut instinct/intuition is telling you something is not right, listen to it!

You will thank it in the long run. We are not given it for nothing.

[J0bchang3]

Why dont you start by looking at some far flung holiday destinations & say you are thinking of going next year

You will know by his reaction what your decision will be next

Possible reactions
His ex wont let him take the children to a far flung destination insert xyz excuses why
He cannot afford holidays to a far flung destinations
He cannot afford the time to go with you alone to a far flung destinations

If you are someone who loves travel, I suspect that he is not the right partner for you, but only you know what is a deal breaker

[Headofthehive55]

He may blame her to keep you sweet, but really prefer to see his children rather than not be with them again. The reality is when you have children some of us would rather be with those children than ever go to a wedding or holiday in far flung places without them. Difficult to explain that to you though without making you feel second best.

[cheekyfunkymonkey]

What bestzebbie said. I totally get why he wouldn't choose to go away when he has his kids. If you are serious about a relationship with him then understand that. They are only young for such a short time. If you want a future with him there will be plenty of time to travel when they are old enough not to want him, and if you can't accept a relationship like that maybe find someone who will make you his priority

[AnyFucker]

Is this how it's going to be for the rest of your relationship ?

You betcha. And it will get worse if you have kids with him.

My advice us to cut him loose. You are on very different pages.

[Pinktartan]

Hmm so the consensus seems to be that my desires and feelings, rightly or wrongly, are not at the top of his priority list to put it lightly.

I've realised I don't actually know what he truly thinks or wants, about the arrangements, as he hasn't discussed it with me, any discussion has been shut down and I am second guessing a lot of his thoughts and actions. I am under the impression that he would like to see his dc a lot more, which of course I understand, it is the fact that he seems to be dancing to his ex's tune that riles me.

But he doesn't actually seem unhappy with their current arrangements. It is me that is getting frustrated...

[Careforadrink]

If he only has them every other weekend then the dc come first. Why would he seek babysitters instead of spending time with them? It's the reality of dating someone with kids.

I don't think you sound suited.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Your problem isn't his ex.

your problem is that you are dating a man with serious commitments - 2 children. Most of us with 2 children can't easily do the stuff you like - off on far-flung holidays at times that suit you, going to social events without considering kids.

you are not wrong and your dh certainly seems a bit over a barrel with his ex but in the end of the day he has 2 children - the 2 biggest impediments to doing what you want any time you want that nature ever devised.

And you will not change his relationship with his ex or his children - this is working for him, you won't change it unless you get him to not see them. You wouldn't want to do that.

I don't think he is the man for you. I'll tell you honestly, if I were you, I would not want the baggage that comes with this man. (And I have 3 children who are the most important things in my life)

[raisedbyguineapigs]

It sounds like he's not as committed as you. Of course he wants to be with his kids when its his days, and maybe he is afraid his ex will stop access. But the getting annoyed with you for suggesting he do exactly what she is doing is a bit dodgy. can he not explain to you why he doesn't want to do it? has she ever stopped access or is he just using it as an excuse?

If I were in your shoes, I would seriously think about whether I wanted to live a life like this.

[Pinktartan]

Interesting that a few of you think the situation would get worse if I did stay to go on to have dc with him. Any explanations/further insights?

[Pinktartan]

Raised-
No he doesn't let the conversation get that far, he just gets very angry and defensive as soon as I question it (which is usually done in a "tut oh for goodness sake why won't you say anything to her") kind of way. After he snaps, I just leave it and usually end up apologising for saying anything. It's definitely a sore point. I have tried to discuss it at other times but he just says he doesn't want to talk about it or that I don't understand

[Pinktartan]

Regarding holidays I'm not talking about jetting off every other month, I mean he won't consider a holiday that doesn't fit in with his non contact days. Remember he also has them a weeknight (Wednesday night) as well as every other weekend (Fri night-Monday)so we can't go away for a week. He won't swap or arrange childcare for a single night.

[ipsogenix]

I would be concerned about any relationship where a standard response involves shutting the question down without discussion. It seems to me that a basic requirement in a relationship is honest and open discussion. Shutting someone down is giving them the respect that is usually afforded to a family dog, and I would worry about that.

[KittensandKnitting]

Dating someone with children be they the RP or NRP (my DP is the RP) is so different you never can truly understand until you get into the relationship what it will be fully like, the "you knew what you were getting into" phrase is one that makes me want to scream because as with any parenting role you really don't know - there isn't a manual, and each case is so different.

I honestly think that he is not as commited to you as you are to him, the big red flag to me is that he won't discuss any thing to do with his DC with you at all, or be honest with you about his reasons it sounds like he is shutting you down the second you mention it - people who want to get married and have a future together discuss everything that effects them as a couple and if DC are involved that should be right at the top of the list as they will "shape" how and what your relationship will be like as a couple.

My DP and I, discussed the DC very quickly long before I met them, it was different because he is the RP but I was as confident as I could be as to what our lives would be like when we moved forward at every single stage from the first meeting to living together. It doesn't sound like you ever had that conversation.

I just think and I'm sorry to say it that what you want and what he is prepared to give you are two very different things, your not unreasonable in your expectations to want a holiday or to go to a wedding with your partner but you would need to understand that the DC would likely come too. If he will not even entertain discussing swapping dates your holiday isn't going to happen, if he was fully commited to you he would be having a discussion as one night for DC to be with DGP is not the end of the world, not really.

[NickiFury]

I wouldn't miss a possible moment of contact with my children either. Not for anything. It's clear it is all still quite raw for him and he's protecting his time with them at all costs. Maybe in the future when he feels more secure and settled about having his time with them he might relax a bit. Personally I wouldn't want to hang around for that if I were you, not with the life you want. I'm with my children full time and will not have a relationship till they're fully grown, I just don't want to prioritise that over them for anything so it wouldn't be fair to bring someone else into that situation and expect them to accommodate it. You're not wrong for wanting what you want but I don't think he's the one for you, not at this time anyway.