In feeling my life is being controlled by my partners ex?

[Pinktartan]

Hi,

I'm seeking some words of wisdom, and getting some issues off my chest regarding my current relationship.

I have always been an independent person (early thirties, no dc), and have not had anybody to answer to for many years (travelled widely, lived in different countries etc) which is why I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or whether I'm just being selfish?

I am now dating a guy and our relationship has reached its 1 year point so I'm starting to consider the longer term future and the possibility of marriage to this person. He has two dc who stay every other weekend and one night during the week. I have a good relationship with his dc.

What I am struggling to deal with, is (what I see as) the control his ex has over his life (and now mine). In my mind he treads on egg shells around her as he is terrified she will stop him seeing his dc.

Example- I love holidays and my passion is exploring far flung destinations, but he refuses to go away on holiday with me for any longer than a few nights as otherwise he would have to swap contact time with his dc. He refuses to ever let his parents or other family or anybody else babysit his dc in his contact time, as the ex doesn't allow it (she claims nobody else should have them in his time at all), and so we can never do anything without them, e.g. attend weddings etc during these weekends unless his dc can also attend. This is causing some resentment on my behalf as I feel we are turning down a lot of invitations, missing out on social occasions, holidays, and I feel he shouldn't allow his ex partner to dictate what he can do. He certainly has zero say in her life or her time with the dc, so I can't understand why he lets her dictate what he does.

In my view she rules his life (and now mine) as every other weekend he basically isn't allowed to go out (Friday-Monday). Obviously 99% of the time he wouldn't anyway, but I personally can't see why he can't let his parents babysit for one night, or one weekend if we wanted to go on holiday (his dc would love this, as would his parents- it is just the ex partner he is scared of upsetting). He also won't ask her to ever swap weekends in case she 'kicks off' or uses it against him in regards to courts/contact time etc.

However, his ex swaps weekends and takes holidays into his weekends at the drop of a hat. His response to her is always "yes no problem" but in private he gets incredibly annoyed over this, venting his frustrations to me (but not to her) and when I voice my opinion that I think he should tell her he needs more notice if she wants to swap weekends he gets very angry and quickly shuts me down, basically saying that I shouldn't stick my nose into where it isn't wanted and it's nothing to do with me or that I don't understand. (He's right- I don't!)

I don't think I am being unreasonable in my expectations but I am wondering if the situation I'm experiencing is to be expected when you date somebody with children as I have only dated single childless men before? I don't think he will change and stand upto her, certainly not any time soon and He doesn't appear to listen to my opinions.

Any advice?

[jellybeans]

I think he sounds like a good guy to put his kids first even after separation etc. Also he is sensible keeping things civil, even if at times this means things are unfair, to keep contact and avoid court/bitter battles.

[OutToGetYou]

Slarti I didn't say anything about weekends.

Look, I've only had relationships with men so only have a view on how those relationships work from a woman's perspective, so sue me.

[TimeforaNNChange]

If you are prepared to do that then slowly you can work on a more flexible arrangement with his ex.

I think this is very poor advice. Anyone who gets involved in a relationship with someone who already has DCs should only do so if they are comfortable and accepting of the way the parent behaves from the outset.

Biting your tongue, accepting something in the "hope" that it will change, putting up with it "in the short term" is how resentments grown.
If you read the posts in the stepparenting forum, it is clear that in many, many cases, significant problems in relationships stem from the fact that a stepmum/dad didn't speak up, or tolerated silently a behaviour, dynamic or situation that they were not 100% happy with. Often, by the time it becomes a deabreaker, there are subsequent DC's in the family, which makes things more complicated and more difficult.

Do not assume that anything "can be worked on" - if you don't like it, speak up early, so that it can be addressed, and if necessary, the couple can go their separate ways.

[happypoobum]

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I do think you should run.

I would not continue to date someone who "shut me down" repeatedly when I tried to have a serious conversation. Nor would I appreciate being told I shouldn't "stick my nose into where it isn't wanted." I would have left at that point tbh.

I seriously doubt that the XW never leaves the DC with anyone, so it's unreasonable for her to dictate (if it's even true) that DP can't have his parents look after them whilst you have an evening out, is his XP can't swap.

Bottom line is. he really isn't that into you. Sorry, but he has made it clear you are a peripheral figure in his life.

[MrsBrent]

I don't think yabu. I think you either run or you go "ok, you can't go, I'd love you to come but I'm not missing out"
And go to the wedding/holiday/ thing you want to.