DP is furious because friend tried to kiss me

[deVelvet]

Apologies I'm still slightly drunk.

We have just come home from a night out.
We went back to a friend's house and wife was in bed. Whilst dp was in toilet the friend groped me and tried to kiss me. He said he wanted to stick tongue down my throat. I absolutely stopped him and made our excuses to leave
I was in shock and told DP on the way home but now he is furious and we have fallen out.
DP is truly furious - in a way I've never seen before - now I feel shit for even saying anything at all.

This man is a parent of our footie team. DP says now that out eldest won't play for the team and that he will explain to everyone why. I feel this is unnecessary and that we should just deal with like adults.
No need to involve or punish people who were not involved.
I know this man was drunk, saw a side to him tonight that was odd.
Now I feel I shouldn't have said anything but I'd never hold something from dp

What the fuck! ?

I have thought about what I said earlier. It was very wrong and I can understand why OP would feel very disturbed by this. I would if it was me.

Although there is too much talk of rape I here. He is not a rapist, no one was raped. Not saying inappropriate boob grabbing is right, but OP was not raped. That would be a whole different thing.

No, nobody was raped.

But this things are on a continuum, aren't they?
Wolfwhistling is mildly uncomfortable and part of everyday sexism, violent rape is waaaaaaay at the other end of the spectrum.
BUT - it is all part of the same spectrum: entitlement, lack of respect, lack of accepting a woman's right to not be groped.

It is entirely up to OP what she wants to or is able to do.
I actually never really know why I allow myself to get sucked into these threads as of course every situation is unique, a short post on an anonymous forum will never give us all the nuances, and every person's response might be quite different to the next person's. And that is all fine and dandy.

But is is IMO well worthwhile validating the OP's experience and confirming to her that what happened was sexual assault (I don't think anybody suggested that it was rape in any shape or form?) and that she is within her rights to take this further (whether with the police or on a more personal level).
She is NOT overreacting.
She is NOT unreasonable.
And it was NOT her fault that it happened or her responsibility to somehow have prevented it from happening.

Actually apples, we don't know that he's not a rapist. We know he didn't rape the OP. To her knowledge he hasn't raped anyone else.

Beyond that we have no further knowledge. He could have carried out a rape in his past. He could be on the path to committing one.

So you can't say 'he is not a rapist'.

If I didn't go to the police I would explain to the chap that if he ever lays a finger on me again, I will kick his bollocks to a pulp. I would also go ahead and warn the other football mums. If everything is kept completely quiet and there are no social consequences for him, chances are he'll do the same again to somebody else.

I was reading an article today about misogyny now being classified as a hate crime;

'Incidents against women that are motivated by an attitude of a man towards a woman, and includes behaviour targeted towards a woman by men simply because they are a woman.
Examples of this may include unwanted or uninvited sexual advances; physical or verbal assault; unwanted or uninvited physical or verbal contact or engagement; use of mobile devices to send unwanted or uninvited messages or take photographs without consent or permission.'

You don't have to take it to the police. Unfortunately some of the consequences for women who report sexual harassment include ostracism, unwelcome media attention, loss of friendships, etc. If they are believed to not be just stirring. I think what an earlier post said - send him a message saying what he did was wrong, you and your husband won't be associating with him any longer, and you won't be keeping it secret from his wife either.... He should have a think about whether it is appropriate to keep coaching the teaam, and everything else valuable in his life, and if he wants to keep them all he should start taking serious steps to make himself a new and better version of himself before he sends it all down the drain...

To clarify: I think that it would be better if more sexual assault was reported, or backed up more widely by community, media etc. But the fact is its not, and taking it to that level can cause all sorts of drama, regardless if you are completely the injured party.

I have spoken to a few people (that I know and trust) about what happened and I've been shocked at how they seem to laugh it off as a "trying his luck" or "he must have been so pissed he thought you were his wife"

These are women who I consider my friends - different friendship circle so they have no connection.

I got the feeling that I was been labelled a drama queen for even daring to suggest a sexual assault.

Who are these fucking people I seem to surround myself with

Unfortunately deV we have a big rape apology culture and different standards for men and women.

Men and women are different but more anatomically.

TBF there are some unfair assumptions about men such as if a woman groped a man it should be taken as a joke, men can't be sexually assaulted really etc which must be horrible for those who do go through these things.

However, men are the dominant sex and as long as that stands, entitlement is rife.

They feel entitled to sex because it's what motivates a lot of men (note: not all men).

These women are going by what they have been told, possibly from what has happened to them.

I got severely bollocked at school once for punching a guy not very hard at all who stuck my hand down his trousers forcefully. I am proud of myself because the teacher was male and I told him exactly why and told him is that in any way appropriate. Do you sir, think that's an OK thing to do?

He was a bit flustered and said no, but I should've just shouted at him or whatever. I was like yes sure, because shouting at him would stop him forcefully holding my arm. I said I was right to do what I did and would I fuck apologise.

I think the more women who take a stand, the more it will change society.

I don't condone violence and I don't particularly advise doing something like that when alone with someone, as they could get nasty. However --

DO challenge views.
DO shout/react if others are around.
DO repeat exactly what the person has said to you, done to you etc. As in, 'you just put my hand there without my permission, you are aware of that, right?
DON'T feel like it's your fault. How can anyone ask for someone to do something they didn't express a wish for. As a PP has said, what if someone robbed someone's house, or attacked someone for their phone - is there any scenario when that could be classed as the fault of the attacked?
DON'T Forget to do the repeating thing with others too. "So Aunt Martha you think Danny putting his hand down my top when I said don't do that please is not sexual assault - is that correct?

Sorry that was so long it just boils my piss how many women feel so low about themselves when things like that happen to them.

Please just be glad YOU know the difference, OP.

You are strong, they aren't.
Because they wont look something that's right in front of them in the eyes.

mrsdeV

I know a lot of people thought me and other were coming on strong on this threat, encouraging you to consider it assault and report to the police.

But this is WHY. We have to shout about this loudly to try to counteract the background rape-culture noise. It's disgusting

How are you feeling?

Yu sarcasm my Dr1 aged about 9 I think, got told off at school for pushing a boy over on to his ass. He was trying to kiss her and she had told him to stop already.

I went in and made it very clear that I supported her entirely. And would encourage her to do exactly the same if it was to happen again

OP I'm sorry that you had this experience. I think I've read the whole thread but haven't found anything that says whether you and your DH have had a chance to talk properly yet. I know that you don't want to "make things worse" I've been there and done that, whatever you decide is entirely up to you. I don't want to put pressure on you to report it, but I have to say this .. I was raped many years ago, by the husband of a friend and I felt I couldn't say anything (I wasn't married) I was drunk, he was drunk blah, blah. I said nothing. My right. Until I found out that he'd done it to someone else. I've lived with that ever since. I don't know this man but I really wouldn't assume that this is the first time that he's done something like this, or that it will be the last.

DeV - so sorry to hear what happened to you the other night.

I'll bet this is not the first time this "friend" has behaved in this way. Nor will it be the last. To do it while his wife was in the house is even more shocking. He has no respect whatsoever.

I think you have to tell his wife. If that was my DH, I would want to know. She probably does know what he's like on some level anyway.

As for the football team your DS is in, I'm afraid this vile man cannot expect to continue bringing his son along after what happened. I think it would be very insulting to your DH to be standing alongside this man, cheering on the team every weekend!

How is your DH reacting now. Tbh, he sounds very reasonable - a lot of men would have gone over there and punched him out by now.

Please don't let him get away with it

How would the guy in question have reacted if - having waited until they were alone together in the room - your husband had grabbed his arse, lunged for a kiss, said he wanted to stick his tongue down his throat and then texted him a couple of times in the early hours of the morning?

How would the women who are laughing it off have reacted if that had happened to their husbands?

In all honesty I've not brought it up with DP yet. Yesterday just didn't feel right, he was poorly and we were both a tad rough after the night out. So I figured not the best time for that conversation.

Today I feel pissed off. Pissed off with this guy, pissed off with DP for not asking how I am. I'm a bit of an over-analyser (habitual) and as I keep going through what happened I wish I did smack this guy across the face, and I am also questioning DPs reaction.

I had just been sexually assaulted and when it came down to it all dp went on about was how he was mad, and about how this would affect footie. I wonder if this means that DP doesn't think it was sexual assault? Does he just see the slight against him where some other bloke 'tried it on' with his mrs. His pride, his lifestyle etc.

Today I am pissed off and if I'm being honest I fear that after bringing this up then what I thought I knew about dp will all change.

Does any of that even make sense ?

I don't really know what to say, except that you need to speak to someone in real life about this, I know how hard it is but you'll need to either pin your DP down and make him listen to you or speak to someone else. It can be hard to accept that you've been assaulted, it doesn't always feel like it, it feels like it may have been your own fault if you've been drinking etc, etc, but it is NOT your fault and your DH needs to understand that. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. However YOU feel, of it feels different now, in e cold light of day. If it feels more serious, or actually not that big a deal now. Only YOU know that, but don't let ANYONE else tell you how you should be feeling, and that includes your DH, or me or anyone on here. If there is no one else, I'd go and speak to your GP in the morning. Honestly. Just don't bury your head in the sand and ignore all those feelings, telling yourself that you are overreacting or undereacting. This is important. It's GOT to be right for YOU. Don't worry about him at all!

I don't know how much you had both (you and DP) to drink, but if you were both feeling too rough to talk yesterday, I'm assuming that the had had quite a few. He may even be wondering if he actually dreamed it. Or he may be thinking that you've decided that you were overreacting, because you haven't mentioned it since. He may just be confused, or have forgotten all about it. (Due to large quantities of alcohol, not because he doesn't care)

Op -it's a bit odd he hasn't mentioned it since. I can't imagine why this would be. I do think you have to talk to him though. Maybe he feels very embarrassed or something? But it's you who was assaulted!
When a similar- ish thing happened to me years ago, DP (now DH) "dealt" with the idiot in question. At the time, I felt it made everything more stressful (as DH, not known for violence at all, actually got arrested as a result ) but looking back, at least the creep didn't just walk away with no consequences.

Today I am pissed off and if I'm being honest I fear that after bringing this up then what I thought I knew about dp will all change. It is just information. Knowing it or not knowing it doesn't change whether it is true.

I find it helps to think that we and men live in a patriarchy. It adversely and obviously affects us so we see it and dislike it. For men, it helps them in a lot of ways (as well are harming but that's more subtle for them) so they can't see it as easily. It would be nice if they popped out as feminist allies but sometimes they need help. They don't actually know how many times we've been assaulted, groped, leered at, felt threatened. Because men don't do it around them and we minimize.

The night I met DH in a bar, some other bloke was hassling me and touching me. I warned him off then threatened him. So right from the off, DH knew that; a) I didn't take shit b) that stuff like this happens c) that I consider it very serious. I'm lucky that conversation happened at the beginning. It often doesn't.

That all makes perfect sense deV

It's awful that your husband hasn't asked how you are. I'm not suprised that you are angry/upset

This is something you could phone Rape Crisis or Womens Aid about, if you want to talk your feelings/reactions through

There is an NHS website 'help after rape and sexual assault' for some information

Hold on to feeling pissed off - that is righteous anger you're feeling.

I am sorry this also made you see a side to your DP that is not particularly edifying and I hope you can talk about it some more.

Other than that you can still simply say something to him (the assailant, not your DP) the next time you come across him, in a loud and projecting voice so it cannot be missed: "Have you told your wife yet that you were keen to stick your tongue down my throat while your were groping my breast? Does she know you have assaulted me?" and hold your head high.

We just had a brief chat. And I feel better about DPs reaction.

I asked him could we talk about what happened on Friday night and he said yes, we haven't spoken about that yet and asked how I was feeling.
I told him that I was pissed off with the guy for sexually assaulting me - when I said those words he looked shocked and asked again what exactly happened. When I told him he shook his head and asked me what I wanted to do about it.
I said I didn't know yet but wanted to clarify his feelings on what happened and how he viewed the situation.
He doesn't blame me, apologised if he didn't make himself clear at the time but was mad at him. Behaviour like that towards a female is completely unacceptable in the same way that shooting someone is unacceptable.
Suggested that I think about how I deal with it but made clear that we would not be socialising with them ever again. He suggested that I tell the wife.
Footie season is over for a few weeks anyway so we have some time before we may see them - especially now that we are not socialising with them again.
Quick chat really but I'm happy dp and I feel the same way.
He gave me a hug, said he loved me etc etc. Just hoped I was ok. Whatever happens he will support me...

He is not much of a talker, and in general is a bury head in sand type of bloke. Told he was glad I told him.

He also commented on this blokes behaviour towards others in the pub - in a lecherous type of way. Even before this happened to me he was questioning why we were even out with him - just sorry that he left me alone with him.

So I feel better that DP and I are together on this, I actually like the idea of asking him outright and boldly the next time whether he thought his behavior was acceptable and to hell with anyone who hears.

Have a feeling his wife knows full well what he is capable of - according to DP he was complaining about being sex starved at home. No fucking wonder his wife doesn't want to be intimate with him

I'm glad that you are feeling a bit better after speaking to your DH. I hope you are ok.

Oh, that's great deV, I'm glad your DH is being supportive