DP is furious because friend tried to kiss me

[deVelvet]

Apologies I'm still slightly drunk.

We have just come home from a night out.
We went back to a friend's house and wife was in bed. Whilst dp was in toilet the friend groped me and tried to kiss me. He said he wanted to stick tongue down my throat. I absolutely stopped him and made our excuses to leave
I was in shock and told DP on the way home but now he is furious and we have fallen out.
DP is truly furious - in a way I've never seen before - now I feel shit for even saying anything at all.

This man is a parent of our footie team. DP says now that out eldest won't play for the team and that he will explain to everyone why. I feel this is unnecessary and that we should just deal with like adults.
No need to involve or punish people who were not involved.
I know this man was drunk, saw a side to him tonight that was odd.
Now I feel I shouldn't have said anything but I'd never hold something from dp

What the fuck! ?

[PacificDogwod]

Are we going to get to the stage of needing written consent with a third party signature before every encounter with another human being that may involve something more than a handshake?

No.

[EweAreHere]

I don't think 246 understands that uninvited, non-consensual touching and groping like this is a form of sexual assault. How one doesn't get this, I don't know, but it is.

[24601ButYouCanCallMeValjean]

How is any of what I have said "victim blaming"? I haven't said that she was asking for it or that any woman deserves to be assaulted. If anything, I am blaming Hollywood representations of what is normal. I did say that men need to be considered as well because FALSE accusations can ruin their lives. I'm sorry that I like to take into account both people in such serious situations and that this goes against what you all believe. I am entitled to my view.

No I am not taking the piss. If this happened to someone I knew or me, I would be angry beyond anything but I would judge the actions in relation to the person's normal character. If they always seem a bit creepy and I wouldn't want to be alone in a room with them normally, then I would be more inclined to call it an assault. If they are normally very gentlemanly and considerate of people's personal space etc., then I would be more inclined to call it a stupid, drunken mistake.

I don't know the OP or the man at all so I cannot judge for myself. Only the OP can decide what she wants to do about it and if she decides that she feels violated and assaulted by this man, then I will be the first to offer her a virtual hug and hand to hold while she goes through the process of escalating this to the police.

[deVelvet]

So what would happen if I did report him?

Wouldn't that just make a bad situation worse? Inviting more drama and real fall out.

Shit shit shit. What a dick

[Mjingaxx]

It's always minimised isn't it. In this instance there was alcohol, there was no violence....social connections make it awkward. He's a friend, he will probably regret it, his poor wife etc etc

I can tell you these feelings go right up the chain of sexual assault, to rape victims...we have had consensual sex before, I was drunk, he was drunk, he is so and so and so brother, I don't want a fuss

[applesvpears]

I agree he was drunk and trying his luck. If you had pushed him off and he became forceful/angry etc then I would think about reporting.
OP doesn't feel like she was assaulted and the guy is probably mortified.
I personally would take it as a drunken messy come on that went wrong, not a forceful threatening assault. Completely understand though that others my differ in opinion.

[Mjingaxx]

What do you mean by 'make a bad situation worse'?

If by that you mean, will he be suffering consequence of his sexual assault, as well as you? Then the answer is yes

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

246 you need to read the excellent thread (apart from a few derailers) in FWR about why people defend alleged rapists.

The figures on there show how many rapes occur each year compared to how many men are falsely accused. There is a HUGE difference.

Anyone who is more concerned about false allegations than actual sexual assaults is a rape apologist.

Anyway, in this case, there is no false allegation to be made. It's sexual assault. Clear cut.

So take your rape myths and your rape apologist shite elsewhere.

[SaggyNaggy]

If they are normally very gentlemanly and considerate of people's personal space etc., then I would be more inclined to call it a stupid, drunken mistake.

So basically if someone is charming they can get away with sexual assault?
How nice do you have to be to get away with murder then?

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

'Trying his luck' is sexual assault ffs.

How are people not understanding that just because she knows him, they were drunk, etc, it doesn't change the facts?

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

Yes Saggy it's ok if he's normally a gentleman.

This is why we have such a low rape conviction in this country.

'How could he possibly be a rapist? He's such a nice guy!'.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

Anyone know what would happen if OP reported it? (Thankfully have no experience)

[applesvpears]

What if OP had been interested and responded? Would that still be assault because he didn't ask her permission? I agree boob grabbing is a bit much but maybe he (in his drunken state) read the signs wrong (or imagined them)

[SaggyNaggy]

This thread is bonkers....
"Dru k and trying his luck so never mind"
So if a rapist is drunk that's OK is it? Oh well he was drunk....
If I get in a car pissed as an arse and now down 10 people, never mind, he was drunk.

Alcohol does not protect you from the outcome of your actions.
Falling into a Christmas tree is a drunken mishap, groping a person and trying to snog them is sexual assault.

[NeedAnotherGlass]

I completely agree with what Berthatydfil said.

There is no question that a grope without consent is sexual assault. That is not the same as trying his luck. Trying his luck would be him saying 'fancy a quickie?' then shrugging it off when you say no.

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

You can 'what if' all you like apples, it doesn't change the facts.

Also, there are women who have been raped who have previously kissed/had sex with their rapists. Does this mean the rape was ok? What about women who were married to their rapist and continued to sleep with them afterwards? Does that mean the incident of rape wasn't rape?

You need to read up on rape myths.

[deVelvet]

By making a bad situation worse, I mean that I don't feel at this time that any good can come from reporting it.

I'm shaking my head at myself here. I hate this, what an absolute ballache.

Need to speak with dp. See how we move forward

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

"However, how many people on here can honestly say they have never done something idiotic or out of character when they have drunk too much?"

I can honestly say that I've never grabbed the penis of my friend's husband. Yes I'm pretty sure on that front.

OP, you don't need to call the police if you don't want to.

[24601ButYouCanCallMeValjean]

I believe my words were that I take into account both people, not just the man.

Excuse me for taking the approach of innocent until proven guilty. Again, I am talking generally here, not specifically about the OP's situation.

A rape apologist I am not. I think it is one of the most heinous and abhorrent crimes a person can commit and the man or woman who commits such a crime should be locked up indefinitely.

[PacificDogwod]

deVelvet, you don't have to report.
You don't have to report now. Or ever.
It is entirely up to you what to do and, yes, it is quite normal to not 'feel' assaulted and to be putting it down to alcohol/the situation, in other words minimising and making excuses for the assailant.
Do NOT beat yourself up.

If you did report this to the police, I don't think that anything much else would happen than that they would take a statement from you, they would interview him and chances are that would be the end of it (as there is no physical evidence/no assault/no witnesses).
BUT - I am sure this would be a warning to him and a lesson to check his behaviour in the future.

As I said, you are free to do whatever you feel you can/want to do.
However, as a society I think that the less these fairly 'minor' infractions and demonstrations just how much women and their bodies are often seen as 'available' are left unchecked, the better, and the more likely that it will become less and less acceptable to grope/cope a feel/try it on/attempt a kiss etc.

Take good care of yourself.
I am glad that it sounds like your DP has come round.

[ReaWithson]

If you don't want to take this to the police that's up to you.

But I hope you find some anger over this, rather than seeing things as a problem that you have to solve to make sure all the men are ok, their pride is in tact, DS is ok, and this doesn't cause 'drama' that you need to placate. YOU are the victim here.

WTF were those 3 a.m. messages about? Not about expressing any sort of shame and remorse, that's for sure.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it is you at least spell it out to him that he sexually assaulted you; if anyone has to stop attending the footie matches, it shouldn't be anyone other than him.

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

246 you absolutely are a rape apologist. You're still doing it.

A false allegation (a proved one) is exceedingly rare. 85,000 women in the UK are raped each year.

Also 'men and women' don't rape. Men rape. Rape is done with the use if a penis. Women legally can't rape.

[Mjingaxx]

Develvet either he thinks what he did to you is an acceptable way to proposition a woman OR he knows it is not and wanted to assault you

If the police get involved, it will be made very clear to him that it does constitute sexual assault and he can't get away with it

I don't think he had any expectation it would go further. Both your partners were in the house. I think he wanted to feel your tits. So he did

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[PacificDogwod]

if anyone has to stop attending the footie matches, it shouldn't be anyone other than him.

Yes. Good point.
Prick.