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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is furious because friend tried to kiss me

149 replies

deVelvet · 30/07/2016 02:25

Apologies I'm still slightly drunk.

We have just come home from a night out.
We went back to a friend's house and wife was in bed. Whilst dp was in toilet the friend groped me and tried to kiss me. He said he wanted to stick tongue down my throat. I absolutely stopped him and made our excuses to leave
I was in shock and told DP on the way home but now he is furious and we have fallen out.
DP is truly furious - in a way I've never seen before - now I feel shit for even saying anything at all.

This man is a parent of our footie team. DP says now that out eldest won't play for the team and that he will explain to everyone why. I feel this is unnecessary and that we should just deal with like adults.
No need to involve or punish people who were not involved.
I know this man was drunk, saw a side to him tonight that was odd.
Now I feel I shouldn't have said anything but I'd never hold something from dp

What the fuck! ?

OP posts:
OrchidsAndLace · 30/07/2016 13:40

OP Flowers sorry, what a shit situation and what a dick (the party guy not your DP, who was probably just drunkenly upset) but sounds like you're handling it really well. Hopefully you can thrash everything out with your DP later.

Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty about not reporting this incident if you don't want to, or make you feel like you "should" be feeling like you were assaulted. It's entirely up to you how you feel and what, if anything, you want to do about it. Only you know the situation and the context & nuances of what happened, no one on here does. If you just want to ignore it as a stupid drunken mistake on his part, you have every right to do so. The decision is yours to make based on what's right for you, not other people's agendas. Good luck whatever happens!

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 30/07/2016 13:42

24601 I think you're not giving men enough credit. I think they know if consent exists or not.

That's why rapists often wait till a woman is unconscious / too drunk to consent. Because they sense that a "no" would be forthcoming if not. It's not that they are misreading consent but more that they don't care about it.

And in this case I think this man could make the reasonable assumption that based on the circumstances consent would not be forthcoming. Men are not stupid.

GabsAlot · 30/07/2016 13:43

what a dickhead u shouldnt feel bad but i would let the wifeknow

why should he be allowed to g round groping people

i agree with a pp he should be leaving the football club not your ds

TheBouquets · 30/07/2016 13:44

I had something along similar lines happen to me but I did not have a DP or DH at all. I kept my cool, said I was shocked and that I was not interested in him. Told family - two camps - one thought good for you (me) getting an offer and the other I will kill the perv. I was known to be ill yet some idiot man wanted to paw me..
I chose to inform the police who told me it was one person's word against another and there was no proof. Police also said that to this man I was just a young thing. Horrified at he attitude of the Police.
I had to move out of my house as it was a local person. Cant belief this in 2016!
Lessons learned do not speak to people unless necessary, and do not rely on Police to sort things out use heavy implement instead but bet the police will be shit hot on that.
Bottom line - Men keep your thoughts and hands off those who do not welcome attention.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 30/07/2016 13:46

Bouquets that's awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you Flowers

SwissWank · 30/07/2016 13:46

Gentlemen don't grope your tits from behind.

Brightredpencil · 30/07/2016 13:47

Exactly what Orchids and Lace said.

PaperdollCartoon · 30/07/2016 13:49

Genuinely shocked at anything thinking its normal and 'trying it on' to grab someone's breasts clearly without any invitation. Of course it's sexual assault.

To the word to the effect of 'if he's usually a gentleman it's obviously out of character so isn't a big deal', do you think all rapists/assaulters are arseholes all the time and that's how you can pick them out? This may well have been a one off but surely we all know most abusive men usually appear lovely to the outside world? It's nice, charming men that are more likely to earn women's trust, become their friend, etc, and most assaults are committed by someone known to the victim. Who then blames themself because 'he's usually so nice'.

Most men know that it's not ok to grab a female friends breasts, no matter how drunk they are. Please don't make out this is normal behaviour. Just said to DP 'do you think it's normal 'come on' behaviour to walk up behind someone, grab their breasts and try to kiss them'. He looked at me like I was mad and said 'no because I'm not a rapist'!

FFS

PacificDogwod · 30/07/2016 13:51

Bouquets, I am so sorry Thanks

Attitudes need to change.
And they will if challenged consistently and if we teach our daughters not to put up with this shit and our sons to not assault or behave as entitled dicks.

24601ButYouCanCallMeValjean · 30/07/2016 13:52

Orchids I agree entirely with your post.

To everyone attacking me, you don't know me. You may think you do because of a few posts I have put on a thread but you don't.

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you and I hope that, whatever you decide to do, you can deal with and try to move passed this with the support of your family and friends.

Mjingaxx · 30/07/2016 13:56

It doesn't matter if anyone knows you 246; anything other than what you are contributing to the thread is irrelevant to us

I have reported your posts and I hope they will be removed soon

Original poster
deVelvet · 30/07/2016 13:59

Thanks everyone for being nice and helping me to process my thoughts before speaking to DP about it.

I feel that I do need to clarify DPs anger and where it was directed because it's important to me that I do not doubt the man I think I know.

After that we need to discuss how we move on and what we do about the social aspect. I will feel more comfortable when I know DPs thoughts.

I am certain that this man will be cut off so to speak but done in a way that it's not a big showdown and most probably not even noticeable to anyone.

Loads of good advice on here as always

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 30/07/2016 14:04

Actually I'd like 246's posts to stand.

People like her sit on rape and sexual assualt trial juries. It explains a hell of a lot of acquittals.

OP Sympthathies and I wish you strength to do what seems right for you.

And his wife was asleep upstairs. Dear God. What an absolute creep. And criminal.

Mjingaxx · 30/07/2016 14:07

deV I wish you would formulate your own feelings on this and what YOU would like to do. It sounds like that very much depends on your husbands thoughts and what he wants to do.

This didn't happen to your husband. This happened to you. To your body and boundaries

Girlgonewild · 30/07/2016 14:12

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VestalVirgin · 30/07/2016 14:14

I had that same emotional reaction to assault, not wanting to make a fuss about it, etc. but now I think I must have been out of my mind, the man had deserved a talking-to, if nothing else. (At the time, I was so baffled that I wasn't entirely sure I didn't remember it, was afraid that if confronted, he'd deny everything. I imagine you feel the same.)

I understand your reaction, but telling everyone is the reaction that will change things - not doing anything except keeping him at arms' length means that he can assault other women.

PacificDogwod · 30/07/2016 14:17

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PacificDogwod · 30/07/2016 14:20

Can I just put here that sexual assault/rape has actually very little to do with sex (let alone love), and a lot to do with power and entitlement?

So many woman have been so, so brainwashed to accept this low level stuff as somehow their fault/asking for it/too drunk/dressed too provocatively etc etc.

And isn't it truly amazing how few women ever felt the need to suddenly grab a man's crotch to 'cop a feel' just because they fancied to??

ConkerTriumphant · 30/07/2016 14:20

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Peridotisinvalid · 30/07/2016 14:21

PacificDogwod I feel exactly the same about Girlgonewild's post.
Just dreadful. Sad

LilacSpunkMonkey · 30/07/2016 14:22

It shows your husband how attractive you are

Not for a second saying you aren't attractive OP but good grief, do people genuinely still think, in 2016, that sexual assault happens because men are so wildly overcome with attraction that they can't keep their hands to themselves? This pathetic excuse for a man did what he did because he thinks he's allowed to.

Rapists rape for power and violence. Not because of how attractive someone is. Or do only beautiful women get raped?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 30/07/2016 14:22

Girlgonewild. That is the saddest post I've read in a long while. It is the perfect example of internalisation of patriarchy. I'm so sorry for you.

RepentAtLeisure · 30/07/2016 14:22

I'm not trying to belittle sexual assault before anyone says that. But I also think that men need to be protected as well because a false accusation of sexual assault can destroy lives.

For fucks sake. You actually say that on a thread where the OP told us what happened. Yes, let's turn yet another thread about arsehole men into a 'butwaddaboutdapoorinnocentmenz?' thread.

OnionKnight · 30/07/2016 14:22

It shows your husband how attractive you are so hopefully he can be even nicer to you from now on as he's so lucky to have you.

WTF?!

Mjingaxx · 30/07/2016 14:23

It shows your husband how attractive you are so hopefully he can be even nicer to you from now on as he's so lucky to have you.

Are you joking girlgonewild?

What if OP wants to go to football??

And as I understand it the man's wife is a friend of OPs. Of course she needs to tell her she is married to an unfaithful sex pest

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