DP is furious because friend tried to kiss me

[deVelvet]

Apologies I'm still slightly drunk.

We have just come home from a night out.
We went back to a friend's house and wife was in bed. Whilst dp was in toilet the friend groped me and tried to kiss me. He said he wanted to stick tongue down my throat. I absolutely stopped him and made our excuses to leave
I was in shock and told DP on the way home but now he is furious and we have fallen out.
DP is truly furious - in a way I've never seen before - now I feel shit for even saying anything at all.

This man is a parent of our footie team. DP says now that out eldest won't play for the team and that he will explain to everyone why. I feel this is unnecessary and that we should just deal with like adults.
No need to involve or punish people who were not involved.
I know this man was drunk, saw a side to him tonight that was odd.
Now I feel I shouldn't have said anything but I'd never hold something from dp

What the fuck! ?

[ReaWithson]

I am certain that this man will be cut off so to speak but done in a way that it's not a big showdown and most probably not even noticeable to anyone

Maybe this is that he is not welcome at the football and his wife will have to know why but if he stays away you won't report to the police?

Good luck OP - please don't feel you have to be the one to hide away (as per a pp suggestion) because he groped your breasts. The shame is on him, not you or your family.

[AcrossthePond55]

OP, a similar thing happened to me. Not quite as blatant, but still out of line and upsetting coming from someone we socialized with as couples.

Nothing was reported to the police as it would not have met the criteria for sexual assault. What you do in your situation is entirely up to you. No one has the right to tell you to either report it or not report it.

DH had a 'quiet word' with the man and advised him to stay the hell away from me, that we would no longer socialize with him and his wife, and if he crossed the line or approached me there would be hell to pay. Do you think something similar would take care of your situation?

I think it would be a shame for your son to be pulled from the team. Why punish him for the actions of a drunk arsehole.

[ToastDemon]

It shows your husband how attractive you are so hopefully he can be even nicer to you from now on as he's so lucky to have you.

This is completely gobsmacking.

So if I'm raped or sexually assaulted, I'll tell my husband to be sure and really appreciate me as it proves I'm so hot and sexy.
Jesus wept.

OP think of it this way. If a stranger groped your breasts, of course it would be classed as indecent assault. What this guy did is no different to that whatever.
I do understand why you are reluctant to report - you don't feel how you imagine you would after an assault, and I can imagine just how much of a shitstorm it would kick off if your social lives are enmeshed - but I want to assure you that you are quite within your rights to.
If he had simply tried to kiss you and nothing more, I wouldn't be saying assault, although I would think he was an untrustworthy knob who had trashed his own relationship and his friendship with you both in one go.
But the unasked-for breast groping does make it a lot more sinister.

[CremeBrulee]

Girlgonewild seems to have fallen through a crack in the space time continuum from 1951. That remark has gobsmacked me completely!

Funnily enough when I was seriously sexually assaulted, it didn't cross my mind that DH would be pleased to know I was hot enough to be groped in broad daylight my a random attacker.

You can see that's batshit thinking, can't you??

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

"It shows your husband how attractive you are so hopefully he can be even nicer to you from now on as he's so lucky to have you."

that's awful.

[XiCi]

My first thought when reading your OP was what a dick your husband was. It sounded like he was blaming you for what happened and was so angry that you ended up sleeping on the couch. That's not a normal reaction. My DH would be angry at him not me and would be concerned that I was OK not leaving me to sleep on the couch. Also you going up to him and hugging him saying you understand why he was angry sounds like you were accepting some responsibility for what happened. I hope not, but that's how I read your post. I would be having strong words if that was my DH to explain I didn't appreciate his reaction at a time when I was upset at being assaulted.

The groper sounds like a disgusting man and his early morning texts show he has no remorse whatsoever. I would never socialise with them again and would let his wife and all mutual friends know exactly why.

[Doublemint]

I echo what Bertha said. Hope your DH understands this was totally not your fault OP. It sounds like it came out of know where and to have some one gripe you from behind like that is awful. And yes it is sexual assault.

[OrchidsAndLace]

I wish you would formulate your own feelings on this and what YOU would like to do. It sounds like that very much depends on your husbands thoughts and what he wants to do.

So the opinions of loved ones are irrelevant whereas the opinions of random people on MN should be listened to at all times? Sorry, just need a moment to digest the entitled irony of that attitude...

The "shows how attractive you are" comment is ridiculous though. I'm sure you are very attractive, OP, but you don't need drunken gropers to prove that

[OrchidsAndLace]

XiCi that's not how it sounded to me. Her DP was angry about what happened, not angry at OP - and they argued because DP wanted to tell everyone and pull their DS out of the football team, whereas OP wanted to handle it differently. Well, that and they were both drunk and upset which probably led to poor communication. I don't think either DP or OP are at fault here. The fault lies with the dickhead at the party.

[YouOKHun]

"It shows your husband how attractive you are so hopefully he can be even nicer to you from now on as he's so lucky to have you."

Girlgonewild - ffs. I'm speechless. Do we need to be assaulted to build up our sexual capital? My DH has been a bit distracted the last couple of weeks. I'll try and find a local pervert, get assaulted and see if he appreciates my attractiveness a bit more .

[NeedAnotherGlass]

Men have done this kind of stuff to most of us and I have never wanted to report it.
So what? They keep doing it because they think we will just brush it off. That is not a reason to not report it.

Could your husband take the son to football and you do less of that to limit contact between the groper and you?
On what planet is that a good idea? Why should she miss out on watching her son play football to avoid him, when HE was the one who did the groping?

I wouldn't tell groper's wife as that will just cause more trouble.
More trouble for who?

It shows your husband how attractive you are so hopefully he can be even nicer to you from now on as he's so lucky to have you.
I struggle to express just how offensive that comment is.
It perpetuates this notion that she was so gorgeous he just couldn't help himself.
And her DH be nicer to her because another man groped her?
Women are not men's prizes!

[embo1]

So, he tried it on when drunk, you pushed him off and then left... Not sure I would call the police unless he carried on trying after you pushed him off. I'd keep going to footie, but keep your distance from him.

[MaddyHatter]

he didn't try it on, he groped her.

If this was a complete stranger on a train or in public and everyone was sober, would anyone be telling her just to avoid him?

no, they wouldn't.

Rapes are most often committed by people women know, just because she knows this guy, doesn't make it anything other than what it is, sexual assault.

[NeedAnotherGlass]

So, he tried it on when drunk, you pushed him off and then left... Not sure I would call the police unless he carried on trying after you pushed him off.
So it's ok for a bloke to grab you boobs if he wants to, as long as he only does it once if you say no.
I do understand not calling the police, but it sends a shitty message.

[Mjingaxx]

Ok, think of this another way. What if a random drunk man in the pub or in the street, at a party, whatever had grabbed your tits, tried to kiss you and said 'I want to stick my tongue down your throat'?

The reason this is being downplayed is only because this guy is supposed to be a friend and because OP is feeling some responsibility for any consequential social awkwardness.

Do you think that women give some kind of consent to groping by being friends with men? Or an agreement that any misdemeanors won't be allowed to interfere with social pleasantries?

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

We could change it to...so he tried to rape you when drunk, you pushed him off and then left.

Grim.

[Mjingaxx]

Oh, xpost with maddy who says it much more succinctly

[ReaWithson]

One of my now DH (then BF)'s friends went in for a snog with me at a packed party - he was so drunk he could barely stand and passed out shortly after until the next morning while the party continued at full blast around him. I told my BF about it at the time and we both laughed it off - I knew he wouldn't remember it the next day (didn't remember anything of the last couple of hours before he passed out) and we are still friends with him and have never told him about it. That was a case of drunkenly 'trying it on'.

Grabbing someone's breasts before going for the lunge when she's on her own in the room, then texting her a couple of times later is not the same thing.

[ToastDemon]

I'd be furious if someone groped my breasts even if I was willingly snogging them for the first time. I'd kind of expect them to move their hand tentatively in the direction of my breasts to give me a chance to stop them if I didn't want it to go as far as sexual touching.
I'm genuinely taken aback as to how many people seem to think someone touching you sexually completely uninvitedly is "trying it on". It's not. It's assault. If it's not acceptable from a stranger it's not acceptable from someone you know.
If a friend did that to me, I honestly don't know if I would involve the police either so no pressure from me to do that - but they would no longer be a friend and they would know exactly why.

[KittensandKnitting]

It's the nerve he had to text a few hours later...

This is 100% assault, as the lady above describes it is very different from "trying it on when drunk"

Grooping someones breasts, them telling you NO, you then trying to kiss them when they are trying to get away from you, telling them what you wanted to do to them is not trying it on.

I hope your ok OP, the sad thing is I wouldn't report it either, and this is why these arseholes get away with these things and people have the view of it just being a drunken come on I'm glad you told your husband though.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I'd kind of expect them to move their hand tentatively in the direction of my breasts to give me a chance to stop them if I didn't want it to go as far as sexual touching. And. if my faded memory serves me, most 15 year old boys were able to manage this with relatively little trouble.

Someone who grabs you without warning, is told not to, then tries to kiss you has NO illusion they are asking with your consent. NONE. Whether you report is entirely your decision. But his intent was to move forward regardless of your willingness.

[Wauden]

I'd be tempted (just me and I don't recommend this) to find yourself in a room with him when he was drunk, then slap him really hard and say 'that's for what you did. Don't complain or I will tell your wife why'. Men like that do not listen but he will get the message. No I don't generally condone violence... just I would be tempted ...

[LagunaBubbles]

It shows your husband how attractive you are so hopefully he can be even nicer to you from now on as he's so lucky to have you

Oh my dear god, seriously girlgone - being sexually assulated shows your partner how "attractive" you are? Are you for real?

[Mjingaxx]

I really think girlgone was just trolling with that remark

[SarcasmMode]

I understand why DP is angry but telling everyone will not solve anything At all. It will just alienate the wife and punish her for having a sleaze of a husband.

Just don't socialise with them again.