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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

XH v DS (15)

70 replies

KrystalMeow · 29/07/2016 18:17

XH and I have been divorced for 7 years, we have 2 DC, DS1(15) and DD(9).

We have a very nice relationship, we co-parent the DC, they alternate homes on a weekly basis, our houses are a 20 min walk apart and 5 mins by bus.

3 years ago, XH started seeing a woman, with 2 DDs that attended the same secondary as DS. This caused a lot of problems between him and DS, for various petty reasons, he didn't like the girls. They managed to work through it and things have gone pretty smooth since then.

Now XH and his DP want to move into his property together, his DPs daughters (15 and 13) have an every other weekend arrangement with their father, so live with their mother 90% of the time.

The issue is that XH has a 3 bed property, currently DS and DD have their own rooms but XH now wants them to share a room, so that his DPs daughters can share DDs current bedroom.

DS has flat out refused, he doesn't want to share with a 9 year old little girl and XH is refusing to back down.

I've tried to discuss solutions with XH, we could keep our current arrangement but at night, DS can just walk to my house and just sleep in his bedroom, but he's turned this into a bullfight, he wants me to back him up but I think he's in the wrong.

OP posts:

blondieblondie · 29/07/2016 18:23

YANBU. No 15 year old boy wants to share with his little sister and I'm sure there's rules about it.

Why can't they share with your DD? Still not ideal, but the obvious short term solution, surely?

allofadaze · 29/07/2016 18:23

I totally agree with your DS. That age gap is not really appropriate for your kids to be sharing, they need their own space too. Could all 3 girls share on the days your kids are all there? I know that's not ideal either, but short if your DS having to sleep on the sofa (also not fair if they're there 50% if the time), your solution sounds the most sensible, and he only stats over when your ex's DP's kids are at their dad's.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 29/07/2016 18:24

YANBU

It sounds like your daughter needs to share a room with her step-sisters, your ex needs to find a bigger place or your idea. It's not fair for a teenage boy to share with his 9 year old sister.

Whatsername17 · 29/07/2016 18:27

I think you have the right, at this point, to say to your ex that your son is old enough to have an opinion. At 15, you aren't going to change his mind. Are there any workable solutions - partition the largest room for example?

Lilaclily · 29/07/2016 18:28

Yes 9 year old needs to bed down with her step sisters
I feel sorry for ds, 15 is such a hard age and that's a lot of change
Does he get on ok with the 2 girls ?

amy85 · 29/07/2016 18:28

Yanbu...if your kids are there for a whole week every other week then it isnt fair for your ex to expect your ds to share with his sister...either the 3 girls have to share or he gets a bigger place

mathsmum314 · 29/07/2016 18:29

It's between XH and DS you really shouldn't get involved it will just end badly.
XH can hardly stop him living with you as he is 15 but you really need to not be in the middle of this fight.

Heidi42 · 29/07/2016 18:30

Your son is in the right . Your ex is being unreasonable and very unfair to his dc, this smacks of him attacking ds bc he feels guilty. Stand up for your son op!

Original poster

KrystalMeow · 29/07/2016 18:32

DS & DDs bedroom are roughly the same size, 2 could comfortably fit, 3 would be pushing it, which is why I think XH is pushing for 2 kids per room.

Lilac, he's not very fond of them but from what DD has said it seems like the feeling is mutual.

OP posts:

humblesims · 29/07/2016 18:33

That is quite a difficult combination isnt it. Could you XH and partner put the weekend girls in their own room and sleep on a sofa bed on the lounge? Or the in the lounge? I also think its unfair on DS he needs his own space at that age and it is more his home than the weekend girls. Tricky one though.

Amelie10 · 29/07/2016 18:34

Oh this is a tough one op. Your ds has a good point, he's too old to share every other weekend with his sister. If your house is close enough to walk to can he just do day visits with his dad?

Original poster

KrystalMeow · 29/07/2016 18:36

Humblesims, I think you've slightly misunderstood. DPs daughters are there
every day except 2 weekends a month.

OP posts:

Original poster

KrystalMeow · 29/07/2016 18:37

Amelia, they're there every other week, so 7 days with me and then 7 days with their dad and then back with me for another seven days.

OP posts:

Paniniswapx3 · 29/07/2016 18:39

I agree with your DS Op & unless your XDH gets a bigger place, then the girls all share or your DS comes home & sleeps in his own bed. I know you're 50/50 now, but could your DS go on the weekends that the other DDs are at their dads?

The whole thing seems so unfair on your DS as none of the above solutions mean anything other than he is being pushed out. Could your XDH not hold off for a few years until the 3 15 year olds are 18 (& therefore off to uni / work) ?

mathsmum314 · 29/07/2016 18:40

Could DS stay with you full time? He is old enough now that he could just say, sorry Dad I am staying with Mum? Not a lot his dad can do.

lalalalyra · 29/07/2016 18:41

I think your ex and his dp need to get themselves a better solution. A 15 year old boy can't share a room with his 9 year old sister.

Is ex's room larger than DD's room? If so he and his DP need to take that so that the three girls can share. If the rooms are not big enough for three then he and his DP need to get themselves a sofa bed for the lounge. Their wardrobes/drawers can go into the biggest bedroom.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/07/2016 18:42

Ex DH hasn't really thought this through, has he? If it was just every other weekend, it wouldn't kill DS to share with his sister; I used to share with my brother when we were at my Dads ( as teenagers) and it really wasn't a big deal. But that was only an occasional thing, not part of normal living arrangements.
In your case, DS is at his dad's for half the time, you share the kids 50/50 - is that right? So this would have a major impact on DS, especially if he's used to his own space for homework etc.
I agree with MathsMum, it's not your fight, let DH and DS deal with it. I suspect DS will start voting with his feet.

BertPuttocks · 29/07/2016 18:42

It's not really fair on your DD either.

At that age, puberty is unlikely to be all that far away. She too will need her own private space, not sharing with a teenage boy.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/07/2016 18:46

Sorry posted too soon - meant to say that EX seems to think that he can move in his GF and her family and that it won't impact on current arrangements or on his own children. Probably wishful thinking on his part. I don't suppose the 2 DSD's will go out of their way to be nice to your much younger DD, and that's probably another reason why Ex wants DD to share with DS.
He needs a bigger house. I can't see how everyone is going to be happy with any of the possible arrangements in the current house.

kurlique · 29/07/2016 18:47

Can't children choose access arrangements once they are 16? If this is the case I can see XH losing most contact with DS very soon... DS must feel really rejected. Every other week sharing with your kid sister will be seen as Dad doesn't want me there, I am not important to him, I fear... There is no way my DS would put up with that (or DD) and they get on pretty well and are a bit closer in age to each other as well!

Amelie10 · 29/07/2016 18:48

Sorry I thought you meant weekend not week. Then definitely it's not fair to your ds to spend that chunk of time sharing. Your ex needs to put his son's concerns first. Does he realize that he could just refuse to come and this could really damage their relationship.

Oakmaiden · 29/07/2016 18:49

Difficult. I don't actually think your X is being unreasonable, but I don't think your son is either. In fact, it is very hard to say what a reasonable solution would be.

Three girls squeezed in one room for 10+ days a month whilst the boy has a similar sized room to himself - not really fair.

Elder brother and small girl sharing - again, not ideal. But probably the slightly better solution. Can you suggest to your X that he find some way to subdivide the room? My favourite solution is a bunk bed in the middle of the room, with a board attached to one side of the bottom bunk and the opposing side of the top bunk, so each child only sees into "their" side of the room. And the youngest child having the "room" closest to the door.

titchy · 29/07/2016 18:58

So your ex is proposing that he loses his bedroom permanently. Every other week when he lives there he shares with his sister.

Sharing with your much younger opposite sex sibling is perfectly reasonable as a short term or temporary thing, but not in your permanent home.

I agree with your ds, it seems the only reasonable solution. Good on him for being prepared to continue to go there alternate weeks, then traipse back home every night, to maintain his relationship with his father. Shame his father isn't prepared to put the same effort in.

I don't agree you should leave it to your ds and ex to sort between them, I think you should support your ds and maybe act as mediator if you can. Would your ds be ok staying over when the other girls are at their fathers, but returning to yours when they're there?

VimFuego101 · 29/07/2016 18:58

YANBU, if i was DS I'd be annoyed too. There are no 'rules' as such for children sharing rooms at certain ages, but i'm sure neither DS nor DD would really be comfortable changing in front of eachother and your DS will need a quiet place to do homework. If he just went EOW it would be a bit different I suppose and they'd just have to muddle through. But he's there 50% of the time (does homework there, has friends over etc), and I can see how it would make him unhappy. Do the new partner's daughters share a room at the moment? if not, I can't see them being too happy about being forced to share, and 4 kids/2 adults in a 3 bed house who are all there the majority of the time just seems pretty cramped.

Original poster

KrystalMeow · 29/07/2016 19:00

I don't really know what the best solution is, from what I know DPs daughters currently have their own rooms, I doubt either of them will want to share together let alone with DD when a boy they don't really like has a room all to himself.

DS likes spending time with XH, he enjoys his week there but their relationship has been really strained over the past few years, I think this would really damage their bond.

I think the best thing to do would be to wait for 3 years until the 2 oldest are 18 and off to uni/moving away etc. That leaves them with 2 girls and 3 bedrooms but I've been told by XH to either back him up or butt out.

OP posts:

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