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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

XH v DS (15)

70 replies

KrystalMeow · 29/07/2016 18:17

XH and I have been divorced for 7 years, we have 2 DC, DS1(15) and DD(9).

We have a very nice relationship, we co-parent the DC, they alternate homes on a weekly basis, our houses are a 20 min walk apart and 5 mins by bus.

3 years ago, XH started seeing a woman, with 2 DDs that attended the same secondary as DS. This caused a lot of problems between him and DS, for various petty reasons, he didn't like the girls. They managed to work through it and things have gone pretty smooth since then.

Now XH and his DP want to move into his property together, his DPs daughters (15 and 13) have an every other weekend arrangement with their father, so live with their mother 90% of the time.

The issue is that XH has a 3 bed property, currently DS and DD have their own rooms but XH now wants them to share a room, so that his DPs daughters can share DDs current bedroom.

DS has flat out refused, he doesn't want to share with a 9 year old little girl and XH is refusing to back down.

I've tried to discuss solutions with XH, we could keep our current arrangement but at night, DS can just walk to my house and just sleep in his bedroom, but he's turned this into a bullfight, he wants me to back him up but I think he's in the wrong.

OP posts:
humblesims · 29/07/2016 19:02

I think you've slightly misunderstood
Oh yes I see. There's just not enough room is there. I think your solution is the only workable one really.

humblesims · 29/07/2016 19:02

I think you've slightly misunderstood
Oh yes I see. There's just not enough room is there. I think your solution is the only workable one really.

HermioneJeanGranger · 29/07/2016 19:03

YANBU. Surely DS is old enough to choose, though? Your ex can't really force a 50/50 contact agreement on a 15 year old.

Either your XH accepts that he's made a decision that means he won't see his son, or he moves to a bigger house with his new partner. He can't expect a 15 year old boy to willingly share with his 9yo sister.

This isn't a situation where there's no choice, your 15yo can easily stay with you if his dad refuses to budge.

Paniniswapx3 · 29/07/2016 19:28

Your XH doesn't get to tell you to butt out, you need to support your DS & tough shit on your ex if he doesn't like it.

Becky546 · 29/07/2016 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 29/07/2016 19:36

I would tell your DS he is welcome to stay with you during the weeks and maybe share every other weekend if he wants with his sister?

mathsmum314 · 29/07/2016 19:47

I think the best thing to do would be to wait for 3 years
If you suggest that X will just assume you have an ulterior motive and things will get very bitter. As you have a good relationship you need to try and keep that for the sake of your DD.

Your son is old enough to say he will stay over every other week when there is room. In reality that's the best option what else can physically happen, is your x going to kidnap him!

TTAoD · 29/07/2016 19:48

Your ex should do one week on and off at his partners house like your kids have being doing, one week at home during his contact week then the following week at his partners!!!

mathsmum314 · 29/07/2016 19:49

Your son is old enough to say he will stay over every other weekend when there is room.

Paniniswapx3 · 29/07/2016 19:52

I can't imagine your XHs DSDs will be happy with the arrangement either - they sound like 2 selfish adults to me who are putting themselves first above all children involved. There is literally only 3 years left before they're adults - why can't they wait??

RhiWrites · 29/07/2016 20:21

It's completely understandable that a 15 year old boy won't want to share a room with his nine year old sister. 15 and 13 year old sisters also won't be happy about having to give up their own bedrooms and it would be an awkward dynamic to have three in a room if they share with your 9 year old daughter.

Essentially if your X and his P want the new blended family to work they're going to have an uphill battle forcing the kids into an arrangement they hate. X and his P are presumably looking forward to living together and sharing a bedroom but the kids won't be feeling the same way. This new plan is a big plus for X and P and a big minus for the kids.

What's the downstairs like at your ex's house? What about the attic or a garage room? What are his finances like? Here are some options I've thought of but I don't know how workable they are.

  1. If there are two reception rooms convert one to a bedroom and use the other as a lounge diner or have a kitchen diner.
  2. If there is a loft or attic convert it to a bedroom and either move the adults up there (adults don't spend a lot of time in their bedrooms, kids do) or some combination of the kids depending on space.
  3. Build two new walls in the existing bedrooms to create 4 small bedrooms. Every kid gets their own small room.
  4. If there is a garage, convert it into a bedroom.
  5. Build an extension
  6. Move to a bigger house - if X and his P are currently each living in a 3 bed house can't they both sell up and buy a new house with rooms for all their kids? The youngest girl could have the smallest room or the sisters could share a room and upsize to a bigger one when the eldest boy leaves?

I don't think there's anything that's really helpful for you to offer or do, changing the contact arrangement won't really help either. All you can do is remind X he needs this arrangement to be something the kids won;t hate and let your son know he still has his room at yours.

InfiniteCurve · 29/07/2016 20:27

Normally I'm big on siblings sharing - but in this case I think your XH is being entirely unreasonable.My DC,opposite sex and DD 5 yrs older,will share on holiday but no way would I expect them to share on a permanent basis.
( And looking ahead, 16 and 10? 17 and 11? Really,no! Not fair on either child)

Your XH and his partner need to rethink,and it looks as if the system that has worked well for you until now may need changing.Feel really sorry for your DS,he must be feeling that his Dad doesn't care about him,as long as everyone can fit in somewhere...

Original poster
KrystalMeow · 29/07/2016 20:42

DS and DD have known for two weeks but it's really coming to a head now, they're at XHs this week and neither will back down. DS is adamant that the best solution is for him to walk home on XHs weeks, but I think XH is worried that walking home will be the start of less contact and that somehow they can make it all work.

I've kept out of it mainly for DD, DS is old enough to decide what to do, but XH and I have to co-parent DD for the next few years and I want to keep our amicable system.

DCs are due back tomorrow afternoon and it sounds like the entire week has been an utter nightmare for everyone involved.

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 29/07/2016 20:49

Your ex husband cannot win this one. If he continues being bullheaded about it he is going to do more harm than he's already done.

Whatsername17 · 29/07/2016 21:09

If I were you I'd say to ex that you are going you butt out because you are in an impossible situation. Then carry on as Normal.

Nanny0gg · 29/07/2016 22:03

I can't see how they can continue with the move when all four children are likely to be unhappy.

Seems beyond selfish to me.

MissMarple29 · 29/07/2016 22:05

I think a brother and sister are aloud to share a room up until the age of 10 years old. So definitely not appropriate. Your xh is being extremely unreasonable. Hope your xh sees sense and the situation get sorted soon.

Oakmaiden · 29/07/2016 22:10

There are no rules about the ages siblings are "allowed" to share a room. However, Housing Benefit is, I believe, calculated on the principal that different sex siblings over the age of 10 are entitled to separate rooms.

Even then, there is nothing to say parents have to use that room allocation in that way. That said - your Exs household arrangements would be entitled to a 4 bedroom allocation, so having 3 is clearly not ideal.

MillionToOneChances · 29/07/2016 22:43

One option that they might not have considered is for XH and P to take the smallest bedroom, divide largest bedroom into two for your DS and DD.

Failing that, your son's solution is fair but your XH is correct that it will be the beginning of the end of their arrangement. That's your XH's choice, though - that's too many teens of different genders from different families for one 3-bed house.

hazeimcgee · 29/07/2016 22:58

If they are there alternate weeks and girls are there alternate weekends does it work that they're there opposite weeks? In which case all the girls could (should) share a room but wouldn't actually have to sleep together.

Really don't think 15 yo boy and 9 yo girl is good to share when it's for so long. Notmal advice is no mixed sharing after 10.

Alt they need to pool resources and buy a bigger house / convert a room

OutToGetYou · 29/07/2016 23:47

What if your ds and dd 'shared' the room but went alternate weeks to each other? You'd have to put in a weekend once a month I think when they both stayed with you or they'd barely see each other.

It does mean you never get a child free week, which you are doing alternate weeks now, not sure how important this is to you.

He could maybe have them both one weekend a month too for you to have a break, they could share then, just two nights, once a month or it is the w/e the dsd are away and so dd stays in their room. And if you manage to coordinate the weekend they both stay with you with the weekend his dsd go to their dad's he gets that weekend "off".

OutToGetYou · 29/07/2016 23:48

haze the older girls live there and are away alternate weekends.

HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2016 00:10

Well, I think the consensus is that it's unreasonable to expect a 15 year old boy to share a room with his 9 year old sister.

Your ex has told you to support him or butt out. So it's butt out time. Don't wrack your brain trying to come up with solutions. This is for your ex and your son to sort out now. So long as your son knows he can come to your house whenever he wants, it's in their hands now.

Your ex is being a twat, by the way. But I think you and your son both know that.

Kpo58 · 30/07/2016 00:12

Converting the attic or moving to a new property seem to be the only real solutions.

Maryz · 30/07/2016 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.