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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

XH v DS (15)

70 replies

KrystalMeow · 29/07/2016 18:17

XH and I have been divorced for 7 years, we have 2 DC, DS1(15) and DD(9).

We have a very nice relationship, we co-parent the DC, they alternate homes on a weekly basis, our houses are a 20 min walk apart and 5 mins by bus.

3 years ago, XH started seeing a woman, with 2 DDs that attended the same secondary as DS. This caused a lot of problems between him and DS, for various petty reasons, he didn't like the girls. They managed to work through it and things have gone pretty smooth since then.

Now XH and his DP want to move into his property together, his DPs daughters (15 and 13) have an every other weekend arrangement with their father, so live with their mother 90% of the time.

The issue is that XH has a 3 bed property, currently DS and DD have their own rooms but XH now wants them to share a room, so that his DPs daughters can share DDs current bedroom.

DS has flat out refused, he doesn't want to share with a 9 year old little girl and XH is refusing to back down.

I've tried to discuss solutions with XH, we could keep our current arrangement but at night, DS can just walk to my house and just sleep in his bedroom, but he's turned this into a bullfight, he wants me to back him up but I think he's in the wrong.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2016 01:46

Your XH can't seriously expect this to work? If he wants to double the size of the household from three to six, then he needs to be looking to move to a bigger house. All four children are being asked to move from their own rooms to shared, and this is particularly inappropriate for a boy of 15 and his sister of 9. It's not that great for the two girls of his partner either.

If your XH insists on forcing this arrangement on his son then he is throwing away their relationship with both hands .

DeathStare · 30/07/2016 02:07

Gah. Do you know what boils my piss.....

Everyone on this post is wracking their brains trying to come up with solutions, and every solution - as hard as everyone is trying - involves the 4 children in the middle of this making some sort of sacrifice so that their parents (by which I mean you XH and his new DP) can be happy.

That's not the way life should be! Your XH wants to have his cake and eat it - he wants his DP to move in and to still keep the same contact arrangements. And because he wants this, he expects the children to make sacrifices so he gets his own way. He sounds like a spoilt brat

There are plenty of sacrifices HE could make in this if these contact arrangements with his children are so important to him.
He and his DP could continue to live separately
He could find a bigger house
Him and his DP could get a sofa bed and sleep on that.
They could split the bedrooms so that XH and DS share, his DP and one of her girls share, and the other girl and your DD share.

OK. So none of those is ideal but plenty of parents DO make choices like that because they prioritise their kids. Maybe you could suggest to him that if keeping the current contact arrangements is important to him that he tries one of those things. If he's not prepared to make a sacrifice to get what he wants, then he shouldn't expect his children to either.

Maryz · 30/07/2016 02:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newname99 · 30/07/2016 09:15

My dsd's mum did something similar, moved partner into her house and her half brother had to share with new man's boys.The younger boy was bullied as everyone felt very unhapoy.There was also insufficient living space so the ability to get quiet time never existed.

The parents were just selfish, their need to be together trumped the children's happiness and comfort.

Your ds must be approaching GCSEs and it's important he has some space.

I would be saying to the ex that you have no wish to undermine him but that on this occasion he might need a rethink.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/07/2016 13:15

how are the dcs? are they home yet?

Original poster

KrystalMeow · 30/07/2016 13:51

They were due home at 1 but DD said on the phone that everyone was arguing this morning so, I'm not surprised that they're not home yet.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 30/07/2016 15:26

not surprised they are arguing if all the dcs know about the room sharing.

ex will not win against ds. even if he forces ds to share the room he has still lost as ds will be resentful. suspect all four dcs are going to be resentful. maybe the dp will see sense if her girls are persuasive enough and persuade ex. [hopeful]

Cabrinha · 30/07/2016 15:35

Life moves on and families change.
So if your XH was proposing to split the biggest room (probably his own) properly in two and your kids weren't happy about the smaller size, then I'd say that was unfortunate - but life.

But no no no should your kids have to share. And not should your much younger share with the stepsisters just because of a common gender! From a room of her own to three to a room with two children who are NOT her family through her own choice? No.

Presumably with 50/50 care right now there's no maintenance. If your son has to walk to yours every night, I suggest you reflect that as your XH owing you 100% maintenance for 1 child. That night focus him to find a proper solution.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 30/07/2016 15:50

Does your Ex really have NO idea of how much damage he is doing to his relationship with his children?

HE wants his partner to move in. Fair enough. Adults pay for houses so get to make decisions. Fair enough. Sure he can TELL DS & DD that this is the set up, BUT they have the right to choose not to go (even DD) and he is being a FOOL if he thinks thus isn't going to seriously, and possibly permanently, damage his relationship with his children. I hope to hell he thinks this woman is worth it.

I'd say that to him too.

livinginabox · 30/07/2016 15:54

Ultimately, I think your DS will spend his time at yours if this goes ahead.

Why would you share a room in your mid teens, if you have a room all to yourself 5 mins away. It's a no brainer.

Goingtobeawesome · 30/07/2016 15:59

Help your son tell his father what he wants.

NapQueen · 30/07/2016 16:00

Maybe it is time to rethink the arrangement then? DS could stay over on the weekends the other girls aren't there and just go for tea whenever he wants the rest of the times. Dd can choose if she wants to mirror her brother or keep to the week on week off arrangement.

SaucyJack · 30/07/2016 16:01

There's no right way to do it unless both rooms can be partitioned of into 4 mini bedrooms with cabin beds.

It's not great for a teen boy to share with his little sister, but then again I don't honestly think it's fair that one child should have 3 x the space and privacy of the other siblings just because he has a penis.

Ragwort · 30/07/2016 16:05

Totally agree with Death - the ex DH and his GF are being extremely selfish in putting their desire to live together above the well being of four children.

Selfish beyond belief. .

Original poster

KrystalMeow · 30/07/2016 16:09

They finally walked through the door at around 3, DS is very annoyed and DD was a little upset.

From the sounds of it, it was 3 teens vs 2 adults the whole week. XH & his DP agreed to consider getting a sofa bed and the 2 of them sleeping in the living room, but keeping all their stuff in the XH's current bedroom.

Arguments kicked off about who would then get stuck with XHs current room, DS doesn't want to give up his room, neither of DPs daughters want to share, DS would give up his room and walk to my house but XH won't hear of it. DPs eldest daughter threatened to move in with her father, DS has done the same.

It sounded like a very tiring week for all involved so I'm dragging them both to watch some Star Trek to try and cheer them up a bit.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 30/07/2016 16:29

Your poor kids. I'm glad they've stuck up for themselves voicing their opinions though.

If the stepsisters don't currently share and you say they don't want to now moving into your XH's, hopefully they'll kick off hard enough that your kids don't have to!
What a selfish arse your XH is being

Mummyme1987 · 30/07/2016 16:33

To be honest something like this can break a couple up. the kids should come first.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/07/2016 17:58

like to see xh try to stop a 15 year old living where he wants. that is not going to go well.

Boysnme · 01/08/2016 20:41

Poor kids, doesn't sound fair on any of them. Your DCs must be feeling very pushed out of their own house. Hope your xdh comes to his senses soon.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/08/2016 22:08

As has been said your Ex is just making a rod for his own back.

I wouldn't "butt out" either, I would start looking in to making arrangements for your DS (at least) to be staying over at your place more (especially as there are issues with the DP's two girls).

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