AIBU to not give consent to a trip to the US for my DS with his dad?

[arewenearlythereyet]

I have not posted for a very long time, but I could do with some other views. My ex wants to take my DS (aged 10) to the US and return on the day that I am booked to go camping with DS. He has not booked the holiday yet, the camping holiday in Wales has been booked for months for 29th August, with other mums from school. My ds is going on the Monday with my friends, I am joining them on Tuesday as I have a wedding, my bf daughter. Ds is very excited about the holiday, chose to go on the Monday rather than come to the wedding. My ex says that this is the cheapest week to go to the US, financially we are worlds apart, the camping trip is as much as I can afford, but I offered to pay the difference in flights for his trip if he went the week before as I really do not want DS to be jet lagged on our camping trip. On top of this DS has said that he does not actually want to go to the US, they went last year and he's not bothered about going again. We have reached an impasse, where I finally said I do not give my consent for him to go. AIBU?

The DS will be jetlagged, it takes our family a couple of days to get back to normal.
Certainly wouldn't want DS to be off on a sleepover camping without me the morning he gets back after a transatlantic flight as he usually has 12-13 hrs the night after he gets back. I don't think I'm a particular precious parent either.

I think you're being a tad unreasonable. Not everyone plans holidays a year ahead. And he's not bumping your holiday, he's getting him back just in time. If a flight lands late he will just have to drive him down to Wales.. It's important he spends time with his dad too, and not good to let him become a stay at home type.

And don't worry about jet lag. Fresh air and exercise are two of the best ways to beat it (I'm cabin crew).

He is a lucky to be going to America and camping in the same summer, rather than sitting around the house. Get the stick out of your butt, Rookie.

The father has not planned it so don can do both.

Yes the USA is a big place, but they are going to the same bit.

Son not don!

What a lovely turn of phrase CanadaMoose and I thought I loved all things Canadian and moose like.

Totally possible for the DS to do both trips without compromising his enjoyment of either just by changing dates and that's why the DF was going back to do when OP last updated this thread.

I'm not sure what's wrong with being a stay at home type btw. DS loves nothing better than hanging out at home and playing with his pals. Not my idea of fun so we compromise and I drag him out on pokemon hunts walks interpreted with periods doing nothing planned.

Back now. Thanks for all opinions, advice and support on both sides of the coin. Had a message from ex today, DS is not going to US now, he, (DS) in my ex's words, weighed up the pro's and cons and decided that he didn't want to go. Have not had the chance to speak to my ex, or my DS face to face yet.
I did wonder at some points in this thread whether had I said that my ex is the resident parent would responses have gone differently for some posters. Maybe we are all at times bound by heuristics and stereotypes without thinking, even when we strive not to be.

I don't know if you had said you were a man, or the NRP it would have influenced me. What might have influenced me is that I am much more attracted to camping holidays and not so in favour of long-distance holidays for children, unless they are visiting relatives.

I really hope the lad genuinely doesn't want to go rather than has felt he has had to choose between the two of you. Kids want to please both parents and it's very easy to forget that no matter how much you want to "win" over you ex there's a child in the middle trying to keep you both happy or with a secret fear that the RP might leave them too if they don't please you.

Traf, we share care equally and flexibly between us, which I guess makes neither or both of us NRP. I very much hope that it was a decision based on how he feels too, rather than anything else. I did not discuss with DS the issues around the dates impinging on our trip at all, only about the US trip generally. As far as I understand from the message from his dad, there was a discussion around changing the dates for US until after the camping trip and DS still decided that he did not want to go.

Jet lag can be a problem my two boys visit their father who lives in America a couple of times a year. They flew in yesterday morning from their latest trip at 9am - despite both of them sleeping on the flight they spent half of yesterday napping and most of yesterday evening yawning and complaining how exhausted they were.

Resident parent or not my answer woul be the same.

You do not risk messing with an agreed holiday that a child has been anticipating for ages and has been booked and paid for by either parent unless something very genuine happens unless your a prick who thinks your wants are more important than everything else

Presumably, a resident parent is far more capable of making a judgement about the impact that jet lag will have on their DC than a parent who spends limited time with the child?

My opinion is the same, irrespective of which parent the DC lives with, and whether the parent objecting is male or female - I can't see the harm in the DC doing both as a one off in the school holidays.

I do fear that a DC who rejects a holiday to the USA with one parent is either reacting to perceived disapproval from one parent, or is so accustomed to such opportunities that he does not appreciate his privilege.

"I do fear that a DC who rejects a holiday to the USA...
...is so accustomed to such opportunities that he does not appreciate his privilege"

What is so special about a holiday in the USA though for a child? It has curiosity value if you have never been there, but once the curiosity is sated...

atenco I obviously spend time with very different DCs - who would be thrilled with the suggestion of a trip abroad, particularly to the USA. It would be viewed as the ultimate adventure.

What is so special about a holiday in the USA though for a child?
The flight, staying in a hotel or holiday apartment, the different sights, sounds, food, places to visit ? Are these really mundane and run of the mill for DCs? Blimey, I've only flown a handful of times in my life - just the excitement of getting on a plane would be special for me!

However, I accept that I live in a deprived area where any holiday is a bonus - hence my awareness that the opportunities offered to this child are a privilege.

Atenco you seem to assume that one country that takes as long to fly across as it does to get to its most easterly point in the US can all be seen in one visit . You sound like the American tourists who think a couple of days in London and Paris means they've seen all of Europe 😀

The US Trip was to be to the same place the ds visited last year, perhaps if it had been to a different part of the US the ds would have been far keener to go.

The camping trip includes something he hasn't done before so it's little wonder that is the more eagerly anticipated trip.

I don't think the ds comes across as spoilt or lacking in appreciation at all.

The US Trip was to be to the same place the ds visited last year, perhaps if it had been to a different part of the US the ds would have been far keener to go.

As I said, the DC's I know would jump at the chance of any holiday, even somewhere they had been before - returning to something they enjoyed last time, or visiting something they saw but didn't have the chance to do on the last visit would be considered a treat and they would dismiss out of hand any concerns about being "tired" for their camping trip on their return.

I genuinely don't know, and cannot relate to anyone, even a child, who would decline an overseas holiday with a parent.

But, that is a socio-demographic difference between the OP's circumstances and my own and those in my social circle.

The fact anyone cannot see why a child would not want to do something does not in any way mean the child does not want to do something! Many kids don't like change, or different food or travel! It is not the op's fault her son doesn't fancy this holiday.