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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not give consent to a trip to the US for my DS with his dad?

169 replies

arewenearlythereyet · 27/07/2016 22:25

I have not posted for a very long time, but I could do with some other views. My ex wants to take my DS (aged 10) to the US and return on the day that I am booked to go camping with DS. He has not booked the holiday yet, the camping holiday in Wales has been booked for months for 29th August, with other mums from school. My ds is going on the Monday with my friends, I am joining them on Tuesday as I have a wedding, my bf daughter. Ds is very excited about the holiday, chose to go on the Monday rather than come to the wedding. My ex says that this is the cheapest week to go to the US, financially we are worlds apart, the camping trip is as much as I can afford, but I offered to pay the difference in flights for his trip if he went the week before as I really do not want DS to be jet lagged on our camping trip. On top of this DS has said that he does not actually want to go to the US, they went last year and he's not bothered about going again. We have reached an impasse, where I finally said I do not give my consent for him to go. AIBU?

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 28/07/2016 13:18

I wonder if the child really doesn't want to go to the US or if he thinks the choice is USA or camping with pal? There's a world of difference between the two.

clam · 28/07/2016 13:22

And, passive, the OP said last night that money is not an issue for her ex. It is not unreasonable of him to want to get cheaper flights, if they're available. I travel abroad quite regularly; I still shop around for the best deals I can find however. Doesn't mean I can't afford to go, it's just good money management.
However, if the child isn't available for those cheaper flights, and the ex is "worlds apart" from the OP financially, as she also mentioned, then he'll have to think again.

trafalgargal · 28/07/2016 13:36

Can't be that many worlds apart if she offered to pay the difference in fare for her son. I think my EXH (who also tended to decide late when he could book holidays partly because of the nature of his work and party because he does spontaneous) would have felt a day was plenty of time and a bit of upset to think he came second to another ten year old our son could spend time with anytime.

Mrscog · 28/07/2016 13:43

if they're doing flights etc. Separately why can't they just come back the day before rather than the day of the camping trip - ok it might make the holiday 1 day shorter but that's not a massive issue.

Yanbu though op.

rookiemere · 28/07/2016 15:05

Mrscog - I believe that's what's currently being negotiated and is IMHO the most sensible option.
Trafal - that's a bit unfair to bring up the fact that Op offered to pay the difference in flights as evidence that she has lots of money. I saw it as the opposite - she's trying very hard to come up with a solution even though it costs her money means her DS doesn't miss out on what's important to him, and let's face it my DS would be gutted if a big get together had been arranged with his pals and he was going to miss some of it to do an adult oriented holiday that he had no desire to go on.

Sure the Op could be doing more to convince her DS that actually the US will be fab and fun with his DF, but I would imagine it would stick in ones craw somewhat to do that whilst the ex simultaneously pisses on your chips by ruining the start of your own much more modest vacation with DS.

Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2016 15:26

*rook8 re "Sure the Op could be doing more to convince her DS that actually the US will be fab and fun with his DF, but I would imagine it would stick in ones craw somewhat to do that whilst the ex simultaneously pisses on your chips by ruining the start of your own much more modest vacation with DS."

I read it that she had been trying to convince her son. And anyway he knows, it 's where he went with dad last year! He knows what to expect.

i do think kids should see non-resident parent, of course, for hols, but shouldn't the non-resident parent come up with something they can both enjoy?

lifeissweet · 30/07/2016 15:43

YABU

Stop being jealous and bitter.

I don't believe for a second that your DS doesn't want to go to the states. I think that's what you want to hear.

I think you have a cheek turning up for your camping trip a day late and then complaining that DS might have to do the same.

Your ex has rights too and I think you are refusing to compromise.

ZenMom · 30/07/2016 16:06

?

AIBU to not give consent to a trip to the US for my DS with his dad?
NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/07/2016 00:02

Ultimately though the Mum doesn't have the legal right to give or refuse permission to the father to take their son away anymore than he has to refuse her. Possession is not nine tenth of the law when it co Es to children. Parents have equal rights regardless of who the child lives with

Yes she does.

Leaving the country is one of the few things that requires active consent from all parties with PR unless certain court orders already exist or one is obtained.

Amd your not appearing to grasp that she has offered to pay the difference in cost if he choses a different date and that she is fine to consent if he does.

Atenco · 31/07/2016 01:57

Stop being jealous and bitter

I don't believe for a second that your DS doesn't want to go to the states

Whao, the best memories of my childhood were having someone fun to play with. The young fella has already been there, so there is no novelty value. And why should the OP be jealous, she is obviously just as capable as her ex of going to the US, should she feel so inclined

Italiangreyhound · 31/07/2016 13:29

lifeissweet if you think the OP is refusing to compromise you have either not read the thread or not understood it.

I also see nothing bitter in her comments.

Going to a city in the USA may be just as dull for a relatively young child as going to a city in any country. Kids tend not to like looking around cities. It's also a place the child has been before (I think relatively recently).

trafalgargal · 31/07/2016 13:51

Gosh yes because America is such a small place they are bound to be doing exactly the same things and places as last time.

I think a parent who puts their own social plans for a family event their son is excluded from before spending holiday time with their child is probably not on the firmest ground here and I hope a compromise is worked out between the parents but if the OP is rubbishing the Dad's plans for her own agenda I hope she stops doing it.

trafalgargal · 31/07/2016 13:54

Not sure San Francisco ( or the rest of California) qualifies as boring but it depends what your idea of excitement is. My idea of boring is a beach holiday but to some that's exactly what they want.

MaddyHatter · 31/07/2016 14:03

YANBU,

Its not ok for the childs Father to disrupt something his son has been looking forward to for months... not when he has the whole of the rest of the month to take him somewhere.

MaddyHatter · 31/07/2016 14:08

"but if the OP is rubbishing the Dad's plans for her own agenda I hope she stops doing it."

But its ok for the dad to rubbish the OP AND HER DS's plan for his own agenda?

Fuck that.

CanadaMoose · 31/07/2016 14:13

It's his dad. Whether or not he wants to go (when I was 10, I didn't want to go skiing in the Rockies) isn't up to him, it's up to his parents. This is a huge experience and invaluable time he could be spending with his father. He won't get this time back, and he clearly wants to be with his son. Let your ex take him on the trip and then you take him camping on the Tuesday when you're going anyway. Lucky kid with all these trips!!

trafalgargal · 31/07/2016 14:19

I don't see the OP saying anywhere that the Dad is saying their camping plans are rubbish, just that he doesn't think spending one night with a friend the son sees all the time shouldn't be a priority over spending a holiday with his Dad. I'm not sure why this is so unreasonable ,if it was Dad wanting to dump child with his mates for a night so he could go to a wedding with his girlfriend (eg the reverse ) whilst supposed to be on holiday ....the wrath of MN would be heaped upon him!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/07/2016 14:29

The dad previously agreed to the trip including the child having the fun of traveling with friends and spending the first night with them.

He agreed it. On that basis mum went ahead and booked and paid for it and child has been aware that this was the arangement for months and months.

He is 10, 10yo's love stuff like that.he has been looking forward to it.

The dad has now changed his mind based on nothing other than percieved cost of his trip (percieved because it is not yet booked and has not been agreed and also because mum has offered to pay the difference should a few days make that much of a difference).

You appear to be going along the lines that this is a father with limited contact whose wishes should take priority over the things he has already agreed to, and that possible plans and arangements trump actual plans and arangements made with all parties agreement.

MaddyHatter · 31/07/2016 14:30

did you read the OP?

Her DS chose to go camping so he could spend a night with his friend, rather than with the OP on the tuesday... he was given the choice, and it was ok'd with his dad months ago.

Now dad has decided he wants to do something else and fuck what DS wants to do!

rookiemere · 31/07/2016 14:52

Lucky kid with all these trips!!. Yes and I bet he gets twice as many Christmas presents as those DCs whose parents are not divorced Hmm, what a fortunate little chap he is.

Lucky old DS with his DF booking his hols at the very last minute, based on the DF's wants rather than his own DS's and running roughshod over something the DS has looked forward to for months. How great for the DS, but still it's the US so he should be uber excited, if indeed it gets booked at all.

TimeforaNNChange · 31/07/2016 15:33

Only on MN would a holiday in the USA be considered unreasonable in case it disrupts a night camping with a school friend.

The father has planned it so that his DS can do both. The OP doesnt like that - anticipating travel problems or jet lag.

MaddyHatter · 31/07/2016 15:39

it wouldnt just disrupt the night camping, it will disrupt the whole holiday that has been planned for months.

Its not fair on the boy.

Onthecouchagain · 31/07/2016 16:35

Very YABU, you're going to a bloody wedding anyway. You sound you're being difficult for the and of it.

rookiemere · 31/07/2016 17:30

The father has planned naff all that's the problem.

He's had months to arrange a holiday which doesn't conflict with his DS's camping but hasn't been arsed. Now suddenly he has the startling realisation that flights are expensive in the school holidays, and more so if you want to book them less than 3 weeks in advance, but because it's to America, that's somehow more worthwhile and important than the holiday his DS has been anticipating for months.

OP - did you get anywhere with him changing the date to the next day for the flights?

TimeforaNNChange · 31/07/2016 17:31

it will disrupt the whole holiday that has been planned for months.

How? Why? The plan is for him to be back in time to join his friends while the OP goes to a wedding?