AIBU to not give consent to a trip to the US for my DS with his dad?

[arewenearlythereyet]

I have not posted for a very long time, but I could do with some other views. My ex wants to take my DS (aged 10) to the US and return on the day that I am booked to go camping with DS. He has not booked the holiday yet, the camping holiday in Wales has been booked for months for 29th August, with other mums from school. My ds is going on the Monday with my friends, I am joining them on Tuesday as I have a wedding, my bf daughter. Ds is very excited about the holiday, chose to go on the Monday rather than come to the wedding. My ex says that this is the cheapest week to go to the US, financially we are worlds apart, the camping trip is as much as I can afford, but I offered to pay the difference in flights for his trip if he went the week before as I really do not want DS to be jet lagged on our camping trip. On top of this DS has said that he does not actually want to go to the US, they went last year and he's not bothered about going again. We have reached an impasse, where I finally said I do not give my consent for him to go. AIBU?

Well that depends if you see contact time with the NRP as optional facebook recruit.

Some of us don't. For better or worse.

I've never travelled to the states, and only long distance once to Africa where the time difference was only 1 hour, I have no experience of jet lag. I do know that DS is an absolute miserable fecker when he is tired!

So in your eyes saucy jack a NRP can throw a spanner in the works whenever they like and it's okay because it's 'contact'?
What a load, the OP booked her holiday months ago and if she'd done this to the ex she'd be getting slated for being petty

It isnt a spanner in tbe works. OP isnt going until the Tuesday and DS is due back on the monday. Its 1 day away from a friend they probably see daily compared to 2 weeks with a parent they probably see eow or less.
Children cannot always make choices in their best interests and 1 day is not the end of tbe world.

erm - sounds like child really doesn't want to go on holiday with his father, so why force him? because if he really doesn't want to go and you force him then he is going to resent you for making him go.

Ok. I asked for opinions and I got them, mostly helpful. Kitty, I am not sure what I have said that gives you the impression that I feel that as a mum I pull all the strings, I do not and never have felt like that and we have both worked hard make things work as best we can. Saucy, we share care, neither of us sees the other as the NRP, we have both ( my ex and me) spent time supporting the other parent and making sure as best we can that we uphold each other's rights while listening to DS. I am sure we have made mistakes, but preventing or blocking contact I don't think has been one of them.

Would she be getting slated?

I don't routinely discuss my plans for our children with my ex to make sure they're not throwing a spanner in his works for what happens after I hand them over, and he certainly doesn't bother himself with it either.

Seems to me that this is one of those things that one can make as little or as much out of as one wishes.

The kid doesn't wanna go. Kids feelings trump parents feelings in a situation such as a non essential trip

Kitty again you are making assumptions. We have equal care of the child.

As your ex hasn't even booked the trip yet you are in no way being unreasonable saying that your trip and arrangements stand. Your ex could easily tailor the trip so it does not impact on your arrangements, you've offered to pay the difference in costs even though you don't need to/shouldn't have to. Your ex doesn't want to compromise or put himself out, but according to posters on here you and your ds should throw all your arrangements to one side to accommodate his not yet made arrangements.

Your ds has been looking forward to and is excited about the camping trip especially the one night away with his friends before you get there, but in order to appease your ex your ds has to forego what he'd rather do?

You are not stopping your ex having contact just asking him to be a reasonable adult and organise it without it clashing with arrangements you have made and he has known about for months.

Don't force your ds to go, your ex needs to make alternative arrangements that fit in with and suit everybody.

As an outside observer, what struck me is that if your DS goes camping with friends, without you there, the law would support his Dad if he turned up at the campsite and took your DS home with him.

I'd be very wary of risking a court hearing under those circumstances.

Where are they going in the US? Is it the same place he went before?

So if it's shared care why are you not supporting him on this? It's one day.

ONE DAY.

Yet you think that the one day means more than a 2week holiday with dad. Yeah you sound supportive.

sounds like child really doesn't want to go on holiday with his father, so why force him?

Because the parents are the adults in the relationship and have to set the pattern. When my kids hit teenage years they often didn't want to go to their dad's - because it was boring/friends were more fun/couldn't be arsed looking for their hairbrush to pack. I'd seen too many kids drift away from their NRP and wasn't going to let it happen to mine. Miss a weekend, then another, no annual holiday, then they are seeing their dad a couple of times a year. That's not good.

OP, sounds like you've cracked the shared parenting. I think it's workable that DS can have a holiday with his dad and not miss out on the camping. Yes, he misses a night with his pal, but he can do that another time.

Thanks emotion. I was just about to reiterate that he has not booked the fucking trip yet. I know why I left mn now, too much assumption and making judgements about posters. I feel like unless you explain your back story and defend from accusations of all kinds this is a pointless exercise in self-destruction. But I do accept that people do not know me and I have possibly judged others on here even if I have not posted. I will be way more mindfully in future.

Exactly Olly

Presumably you are going towards the end of August as that's when fares to the US drop.
My first thought was you sound resentful that your ex can afford to treat your son. If your son is arriving back on Monday then he'll have had a nights sleep in a bed (and most US to UK flights are overnight any) plus jet lag is very mild west to east , it's the outward flight is the tough one. I was wondering if you perhaps don't want your son to have two holidays and your DD only one.

Most kids love the US there's so much variety , your sons lack of enthusiasm might be "tact" as you are quite clearly still carrying resentment towards him. Let him have both and have some man time with his Dad before camping with a bunch of mothers . Variety is the spice of life and all that. Legally you can't prevent his Dad anyway without going to court is it really worth going to those lengths just because you can't afford expensive holidays too.

Kitty I discussed with his father him going camping with his friends for one night, and asked if he would rather a) take him himself for that night, or b) that DS didn't go. Ex was in agreement that DS would be fine to go, and that he was happy with it. I would never have let him go without discussing it with his dad.

Traf my other children are past the age of family holidays, they take themselves away now :) there is an unbalance between what I can afford for DS and what his dad can, but we offer different things, and DS enjoys each I think in their own way. If there is resentment, it is that I don't want DS to be tired and wanting his own bed rather than just enjoying his camping trip to its fullest when he is looking forward to it so much. They are going back to SF where they went last year in the US.

Indeed, OP.

Your ex hasn't even booked the trip and you've offered to make up any financial loss he may suffer for being a reasonable father who should want his son to have both trips with no complications.

I don't think you sound the slightest bit resentful, you sound like you just want your son to have the best of both trips.

Can you try talking to your ex again and reiterate that your ds really wants to do the camping trip and has been looking forward to it for months. Surely he could book a trip which gets your son back on the Saturday or the Sunday, after all as posters have said it would only be a day or two at the most short of two weeks? Or go a day or two earlier at the other end?

There is a perfectly workable compromise to be had that wouldn't impact financially or time wise if your ex was reasonable enough, which surely he would be as it is for the benefit of his son?

Maybe some salient facts get lost in the thread. I have absolutely no objection to him going to the states with his dad, I am happy that he gets to do these things, that's why I offered to make the difference up in price, though I can ill afford it. I have no doubt that he enjoys things that we do just as much. You can't buy some things. If my ex booked different dates I would have no problem at all, I was already talking DS into going before the dates issue. This experience on mn has left me feeling a little battered. Luckily I have camp bestival to look forward to tomorrow.

No clue why OP getting mahoosive projections thrust upon her

And bollocks to the jet leg not being an issue 'that way' - home from US jetlag is WAY worse than the outbound leg voice of bitter experience working for a company based in Chicago whilst had 3 young children who thought morning was 5am

OP You sound incredibly measured and valuing of DC's parental needs. I would not allow other parent to create plans which impacted on existing plans either (& I am that parent that has fought my arse off to ensure my children have as optimal as poss a relationship with their DF). It's not okay to behave like that (either of you) so suggest some clear boundaries vis existing plans and impact on child's wellbeing are the clear priority here.

X-post. Please don't let this make you shy away from MN; it's been a bloody lifesaver to me on occasions!

I agree with emotionsecho and others talking sense.

Kitty the child has made it clear this one day with a friend is IMPORTANT to him and the trip to USA (again ) with dad is not.

IMHO the father needs to re-think when the trip happens so he does not crap-up the child's LONG-AWAITED trip.

And the dad may also need to think what he does plan if the child would rather go camping than to the USA - it sounds like the dad doesn't quite know what the child would like.

arewenearlythereyet please try and find an amicable solution that does not require you to sacrifice your child's long awaited night away or require him to feel so tired he doesn't really enjoy the one holiday you can afford. In your shoes I'd also make it clear the offer to pay the difference for the week before the camping trip has a time clock and I'd hopefully make it expire quite soon.

You sound like a brilliant and careful parent who has navigated this all very well. Maybe your ex is a bit jealous that his son is more excited about camping than the USA. Try and chat to your ex and find an amicable route through this. The holiday is already booked and your ds is looking forward to it, your ex should not spoil this.

I'm sorry you're feeling battered OP, I must admit I'm a bit taken aback by some of the responses.

Do what is best and right for your ds as I am sure you will. Good luck.