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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not give consent to a trip to the US for my DS with his dad?

169 replies

arewenearlythereyet · 27/07/2016 22:25

I have not posted for a very long time, but I could do with some other views. My ex wants to take my DS (aged 10) to the US and return on the day that I am booked to go camping with DS. He has not booked the holiday yet, the camping holiday in Wales has been booked for months for 29th August, with other mums from school. My ds is going on the Monday with my friends, I am joining them on Tuesday as I have a wedding, my bf daughter. Ds is very excited about the holiday, chose to go on the Monday rather than come to the wedding. My ex says that this is the cheapest week to go to the US, financially we are worlds apart, the camping trip is as much as I can afford, but I offered to pay the difference in flights for his trip if he went the week before as I really do not want DS to be jet lagged on our camping trip. On top of this DS has said that he does not actually want to go to the US, they went last year and he's not bothered about going again. We have reached an impasse, where I finally said I do not give my consent for him to go. AIBU?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2016 00:53

OP don;t be put off mumsnet. Just report any posts that are offensive. Mumsnet is for SUPPORT.

trafalgargal Your post is really unpleasant. re "Let him have both and have some man time with his Dad before camping with a bunch of mothers ." What a load of crap, sounds like the boy would rather it was the other way round, not because of the mothers but because his friend will be there!

It may come as a shock (and I can't see it myself) but kids seems to love camping! San Francisco, maybe not so much.

It's the child's holiday too and mum booked first, with discussion with dad, so dad needs to fit around mum on this occasion.

The holiday with dad presumably does not involved others (none mentioned) so there is no problem going at a suitable time, mum's trip relies on others so it needs to be fitted around, and mum did this, in discussion with dad.

OP's done nothing wrong and the posters calling her unpleasant names or implying unpleasant things are just rude.

LadyStoicIsBack · 28/07/2016 00:58

Really? 'camping with a bunch of Mothers'

Could you be any more reductive?

FFS.

ollieplimsoles · 28/07/2016 00:58

Christ Kitty your comments made me shudder... Why are you being so aggressive towards the op???

At her son's age I hated being bundled off with my dad, I never wanted to go and i wish mu mum had said no to him and listened to me.

Why don't you get a grip and consider that at 10 years old her son does know what he does and doesn't want. Why would you advocate forcing a child to do something they don't want to??

Original poster
arewenearlythereyet · 28/07/2016 00:59

Lady, thanks darl. I guess I'm unknown on here. Fighting your own feelings and swallowing pride, bile, injustices and ego are all part of fighting for what is best for your dc. I spent 2 years dragging a 14-16 year old to her fathers, and going back to pick her up each and every time, whilst trying to explain to the other 4dc that it was fine for them to happy to see their dad. She is 25 yo now and has a great relationship with her dad. And that makes me happy. Worth every weekend plan that I had when she changed her mind and wouldn't go to her dads at the last minute or called me to come home. And me and her father never fell out over it once. He knew I was beside him every step of the way, as far as dc were concerned. Same with DS and his dad.

OP posts:
ZenMom · 28/07/2016 01:02

I actually can't believe the way op has been pounced on and well done for not reacting op.

Some vile unhelpful people on here.

Op I think you are very reasonable and measured and your ex should adjust his plans (plans not booking like yours - which you discussed with him).

Jet lag is horrendous - if he was coming back to say sit on a beach or something tranquil then maybe a different story by my 10yo dd slept for 14 hours solid when we got back from Florida and was lethargic for ages after - can't imagine that and camping being a marriage made in heaven.

Your son should not have to miss out on his extra night - which has probably made him feel very grown up and they'll have talked and talked about it.

Ignore the bitches on here. you know what's right I think and make sure you both enjoy yourselves :)

Original poster
arewenearlythereyet · 28/07/2016 01:06

Oh, And thanks to the others. I can't post and read at the same, so cross posts fly. But I am feeling less attacked.
bunch of mothers comments made my blood run cold.
I will talk to ex again, we will sort it, there was never any question of court etc.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2016 01:11

Re "bunch of mothers comments made my blood run cold." Don't assume everyone who posts here is a mother. This site is open to all. Non-parents and parents alike. I think you may have attracted one or two disgruntled dads too!

Rainbow · 28/07/2016 01:12

YANBU to say DS doesn't want to go. I have had to withhold consent because exH wanted to take DC on holiday and it was turning DS3 into a nervous wreck. He blamed me for brainwashing him but at the end of the day, my feelings and opinions are irrelevant. If it is safe, reasonable request AND DC are happy then they go. If one of those things are missing, they don't 😊

Original poster
arewenearlythereyet · 28/07/2016 01:15

I think he is looking forward to his sleep over with his friends the most. They have planned it over and over and I wanted him to have the excitement of the first day at the campsite, but also want to see my bf daughter get married. Parenthood, no one said it would be easy. No one said it would be this hard.....

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 28/07/2016 01:15

I'm sure you will sort it out are, as I said I think you are right and being totally reasonable, your ds and his friend are clearly really looking forward to the 'on his own' night and that shouldn't be sacrificed.

Enjoy Camp Bestival and your camping trip.

Original poster
arewenearlythereyet · 28/07/2016 01:19

Italian I did wonder about that, didn't want to post in case it added fuel. Jesus, this place is a minefield. I'm going back to writing about mindfulness, compassion, kindness and self-kindness and health behaviours. Rejections from editors much easier to deal with.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2016 01:47

Hope you do not sacrifice your trip or have to pay. Best way might be to get your ex on board that the trip, not having jet lag and the night away are the most important bits for your ds.

He sounds reasonable, can he be made to see what your son (your son and his son) is actually looking forward to?

MadamDeathstare · 28/07/2016 01:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
arewenearlythereyet · 28/07/2016 01:48

Having just re read all the responses to my post, I'm feeling less defensive, and there are some points for me to consider that I may not have thought about, so thanks to everyone who took the time to reply.
In our busy lives mn is a fantastic support. But I would say that do not forget that behind each typed letter is a real person with feelings, and the words typed on here, for the troubled, the isolated, the lonely, the unsupported and the desperate mean a great deal. Do not forget that when you post your replies.

OP posts:
Atenco · 28/07/2016 02:17

IMHO a long-planned holiday trumps a holiday that the tickets haven't even been bought for, and that the jet-lag from SF will be horrendous. If he can't get to sleep at night, a tent is not the place to be.

emotionsecho · 28/07/2016 02:19

I think you behaved with dignity and patience in the face of some very harsh responses, particularly those that attributed all manner of imagined motives and actions on your behalf, are. The filling in of the blanks by some posters was worthy of a soap opera script.

I read another thread tonight about how MN has become rather nasty in the last few weeks and was going to post that I didn't think it had/hadn't seen any examples of what posters on there were talking about then I read your thread and I see exactly what they mean.

Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2016 02:23

Madam re "Your DS will find it hard to get up in the morning and will be awake until late at night for the first couple of days back in the UK."

I think the holiday is only about 5 days so being out of sorts for the first 40% seems a lot.

SouthWindsWesterly · 28/07/2016 07:14

This will only work if your son comes back on the Saturday/Sunday. He wants the night camping with his friend on the Monday. You'll join on the Tuesday. Simples.

WannaBe · 28/07/2016 07:29

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people jump on the "the child doesn't want to go," argument when it's the dad the child doesn't want to go with, and state that "the child's wishes should be obeyed. If a mother was posting here that her ex was refusing consent for a holiday saying the child didn't want to go people would be sympathetic towards her and branding him a controlling arsehole.

And I speak as a mother of a child who has only this year been given the choice not to go on holiday with his dad aged nearly fourteen. At ten children shouldn't be given this level of control over where they do or don't go assuming there is no abuse of the child in the equation.

The OP is refusing consent on the basis of jetlag, never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. Given the ex is presumably due to have the DS at that point anyway OP is completely unreasonable to dictate where he can and cannot take his own child, and if I were the ex I would be seriously considering taking out a court order to allow the holiday. The OP would be laughed out of court for her reasons.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 28/07/2016 07:32

Do what everyone coes who can't afford the holiday they want, GO SOMEWHERE CHEAPER a different week, stop being such a lazy arse and plan the holiday with your kid for somewhere they want to go.

TimeforaNNChange · 28/07/2016 07:40

I will talk to ex again, we will sort it, there was never any question of court etc.

It's excellent that you have such a good relationship with your DSs Sad.

The only reason I assumed it could involve court was because of your thread title and OP - the phrase "refusing to give consent" implies that you are willing to be adversarial and there would be conflict.

What you are now saying is that you disagree and will be discussing with your ex who you are confident you can persuade to see your PoV - which is very, very different.

I'm sorry if my comments caused you distress - maybe I was projecting my own experiences of my ex 'refusing to give consent'.

mixety · 28/07/2016 07:40

DSS (11) is currently on holiday with us in the US, and the day after we get back will be off on another (European) holiday with his mum. Not ideal but significantly cheaper for both families than leaving a longer gap.

I don't know many 11 year old boys except DSS, but he is pretty resistant and though he'll be jet lagged at some point he'll get through it I know. It only took him a couple of days to adjust to West coast US time here, and he wasn't tired that whole time, just got tired earlier in the day, but with a little fun distraction he got through it fine. Maybe with the fun of camping and his friends your DS would be on a high anyway and find it easier than in normal at-home life to power through and get over the lag.

I can totally see how it is annoying for you that your ex didn't organise things earlier, however it would seem a shame for your DS to miss out on a holiday with his dad - unless you/he have reason to think it would really not be fun for him. DP was saying on this holiday how much he appreciates it as it'll probably be one of the last where DS is still a true child and enjoys doing stuff with his dad. Might well all change in a year or two when the terrible teens kick in!

SuburbanRhonda · 28/07/2016 07:47

Is that post to the dad, passive? Confused

CatNip2 · 28/07/2016 07:53

Agree with the other posts about jet lag being awful. Going West to East is the worst, knocks me out for about a week, and if that followed a hectic week in the US and preceded a camping trip for four days, then my camping trip would be pretty much a waste and I wouldn't enjoy it.

I think dad needs to consider his son and ex rather than himself in this situation and look at a week earlier.

KittyLaRoux · 28/07/2016 07:54

I agree wannabe