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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tackle friend about an affair or leave well alone?

138 replies

Whatissheplayingat1 · 27/07/2016 10:07

My very close friend is having an affair, she told me one month ago. She is married with children, the guy she is having the affair with is also married, with children, including a very young baby.
I hardly recognise her since she confided this secret to me, she's nasty and scathing about her husband, she has left Her chikdren with her husband for 2 weekends to be with this guy, lying to him about it being work related.
She's like a teenager, she's giddy, showing me pictures of him, laughing about sneaking around.
The thing I'm struggling with the most is she simply doesn't care who she's hurting, she's not bothered. There is no shame or sorrow or hint of regret.
She's gone from a doting caring wife and mother to behaving quite frankly like a slut.
I'm not sure how many more conversations I can have with her about this guy before I snap and tell her what I think of the way she's behaving. So far, it's only the fact that we are so close that I havent. She knows I dont 'approve' but ignores that.
She needs to wake up and stop what she's doing but if i have it out with her I don't see it ending well.....

OP posts:
Balanced12 · 27/07/2016 23:24

Her husband and the guys wife should be told, they don't need to know it's you. Thinking of the guy who's lived 15 years as a lie that disgusting. Being the last to know your partner is cheating scum isn't nice nor is wasting years, being informed in a quiet private manner would be best.

I would drop the friend and tell her why

horseygeorgie1 · 27/07/2016 23:40

I would tell him.

My ex DH had an affair with a friend of mine. I wish with all my heart that one of the people who knew, and there were a few of them, had told me.

Yes the heartbreak was almost unbearable but the humiliation of everyone knowing and feeling like such a fool was nearly as bad. I would cut her off and tell him.

timeisnotaline · 27/07/2016 23:44

I couldn't stop thinking about the poor wife with a newborn. I think I'd have to say that to her every single time she brought it up, which would probably get my message across pretty quickly.

sofato5miles · 28/07/2016 10:47

I wouldn't say anything. I know a group where two had an affair and distanced myself but over the years i know of a few undiscovered affairs and more one night mistakes but kept my mouth shut and am glad I did. Infidelity, for me, is a tricky one to judge. Especially as the current mood is to break marriages up not to fix and work on them.

mumandgran61 · 28/07/2016 11:01

Tell her exactly what you think of her behaviour, including the changes in her that you have observed. If the friendship ends, so be it, you will have been true to yourself. You could also tell her that once the affair is out in the open and she and her lover are feeling guiltyabout the misery they have caused you will help her through that. Her DH (and the OW) need to know so they can get on with sorting out their lives, but it takes a very strong person to do that without sounding like a vicious gossip.

GeordieBadgers · 28/07/2016 12:14

May I step in and play devil's advocate?

I had an affair with a married man. He had a 5 year old and a newborn. I had a 3 year old and a 5 year old.

I was in a domestic violence situation with my H. I also have borderline personality disorder.

Despite the affair I genuinely don't feel like a horrible person. I was coping with the situation (unhappy DV marriage) in a flawed manner, yes. But do I owe the OW anything?

As for the damaging effect on the children, an unhappy marriage will do that anyway.

DietCockBreak · 28/07/2016 15:29

Despite the affair I genuinely don't feel like a horrible person Is that because of your personality disorder though?

Hissy · 28/07/2016 15:30

What a load of tosh

1 in 4 women experience dv in their relationships. Do they get the get out of jail free card to fuck someone else's husband? No. They don't. Often it will be the kindness of another man that may make them realise that they should be treated better, but it's still wrong to cheat.

And anyway, the kind of bloke that would sniff round another married woman is a low and scummy article.

Plenty of women suffer from bpd.

You chose to cheat, you chose to sleep with someone else's h.

Own it and stop blaming others for your poor choices.

Discobabe · 28/07/2016 15:48

As for the damaging effect on the children, an unhappy marriage will do that anyway.

Hence why it's best all round to leave the marriage.

If you are in a dv situation I can only imagine the outcome when found out would be even worse for all involved x

Oblomov16 · 28/07/2016 16:12

She knows what you think, so why would talking to her about it change anything?

sofato5miles · 28/07/2016 16:33

Sometimes, i wish you could see PP and their perfect, happy, infallible lives through the keyboard. but most days i am glad i can't

AppleSetsSail · 28/07/2016 17:44

As for the damaging effect on the children, an unhappy marriage will do that anyway.

A lot of people cheat just because they want to have sex with someone new, and they think they can get away with it.

Original poster
Whatissheplayingat1 · 28/07/2016 18:45

I think that's it Apple, obviously I don't live in their house but my friends husband is a good man, I've known him for 15 years, he's decent and kind and inherently good. There is no DV, she's had a personality transplant and is now inventing reasons as to why her husband is such a bad person, in an attempt to justify the affair i expect.
The new Man is 10 years younger, I suspect there is a large element of flattery on her part, and a large dollop of 'I'm having filthy sex with an older woman because my wife is knackered' sentiment on his.
It's not love, it's just seedy and sordid. We are all meeting tomorrow night, children too, what a wonderful night that will be. Her glued to what's app like a teenager, sniping at her husband while he bumbles around wondering what he's done wrong now.

OP posts:
Pendu · 28/07/2016 18:59

I'd tell the DH. I would want to know - imagine being kept in the dark about an affair Sad

cingolimama · 29/07/2016 10:06

OP, the husband may be lovely, but there are things that go on in a marriage that you have absolutely no idea about. Please stop this husband=good/wife=bad. Things are rarely that simple.

As for she's in it because she's flattered - perhaps it goes deeper than that. Maybe it's the idea of being wanted and desired as a woman that's part of the appeal. After a certain age women start to feel invisible and not recognised at all for the complex people they are and they're generally not viewed as sexual at all. So the idea of someone recognising that in you, and finding you really desirable is very hard to resist.

I really think that if you are her friend (and tbh, it doesn't sound like you are) then you have to use your imagination a bit, and be a bit more empathetic, if you want to help her get out of this situation.

GeordieBadgers · 29/07/2016 10:14

DietCockBreak Not sure. Good question.

Hissy I do own it. Hence declaring it on this thread when it wasn't necessary.

Please stop this husband=good/wife=bad. Things are rarely that simple.

^THIS.

Maybe it's the idea of being wanted and desired as a woman that's part of the appeal.

Nail on head. That was the appeal for me.

And I must say: the only person that owes OW anything is her husband, NOT the mistress.

Hissy · 29/07/2016 11:19

Geordie Hardly... You had an affair with a married man.

Mentioning the Dv and the bpd was citing reasons.

This is minimising your role in the affair. Blaming your choice to involve yourself in some slimeball's marriage and to hell with the repercussions because you don't have a commitment to the man's wife.

I've been in a dv relationship. 10 hard sorry years. I didn't cheat, I know it's wrong and would not give myself permission to do so.

I know what infidelity does. It destroys families. That's not who I am.

Thingmcthingyface · 29/07/2016 11:50

OP just had an almost identical situation stayed friends with her until her DH found out, bitterly regret not cutting her loose when she told me 6 months before she told him. Cheating went with a raft of other unpleasant behaviours as well.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/07/2016 11:50

Hissy, we all make bad choices. Staying in a bad marriage when there are children involved is a terrible one that hurts children, yet people still do and the longer it goes on, the more damage it does to them.

I disagree that infidelity destroys families. It can only realistically occur in the first place where one partner decides (rightly or wrongly) whatever it is they are seeking, is missing from their marriage. You can still be a family when a marriage ends, albeit it's different. If the two parents are determined to lessen the impact to their child(ren) then that is what happens and I think you're doing a disservice to many men/women who put their children's wellbeing first after their marriage ends.

Of the two scenarios, I would say that adultery has the lesser impact on children - they don't see it. They DO see domestic violence, which is a shocking thing for them to witness and see as an example.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/07/2016 11:52

... and that doesn't mean that I excuse affairs but I just can't stand the over-dramatization and hand-wringing from people whom it doesn't affect.

ElspethFlashman · 29/07/2016 12:08

Seriously OP, cancel tomorrow night!

Honestly if I were a fly on the wall and watched you just frowning passively at her all night as she simpered at her ohone, I'd feel a bit disgusted at you too.

You cant make small talk about the Olympics or whatever with her nice husband whilst she gets flipping wet at her dirty Whatsapp messages across the table! Its not a good look on you.

I dont care what excuse you have to use, just cancel the whole horror show.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/07/2016 12:11

Agree with Elspeth, cancel. I would tell her why I'm cancelling and, if I felt like you do, I would add that I don't want to be friends anymore either. Because you're not her friend.

Bambooshoots14 · 29/07/2016 12:11

I couldn't be friends with someone like that. She is ruining her husbands life and playing a part in ruining the wife's too. Makes me so angry. And sad

KnockMeDown · 29/07/2016 12:25

I have been reading this thread and am really surprised by the strange double-standards being shown by some. If the OP's friend had been a man, cheating on his wife, there would be no calls to show empathy, or Maybe it's the idea of being wanted and desired as a man that's part of the appeal

It's almost as if because she is a woman, she is more entitled to cheat on her partner.

And when a woman posts on here, distraught that she has found out that her husband is cheating, when would the response OP, you may be lovely, but there are things that go on in a marriage that you have absolutely no idea about. Please stop this wife=good/husband=bad. Things are rarely that simple. ever be appropriate?

And this:- Of the two scenarios, I would say that adultery has the lesser impact on children - they don't see it. They DO see domestic violence, which is a shocking thing for them to witness and see as an example. WTAF? Just because it is "the lesser of two evils", doesn't make it acceptable!

And so many people have said they would rather know if their partner was cheating, or felt let down by friends who hadn't told what they knew.

Whether she should tell or not is tricky, but please let's just stop with trying to make what her friend is doing anything other than what it is - sordid, unpleasant, wrong.

cingolimama · 29/07/2016 13:33

Knock, I'm not aware of any double standards here. When I wrote maybe it's the idea of being wanted as a woman what I really meant was "wanted as a desirable individual". Not a wife, or a mother, or a father or a dad.

As for your second point, don't be ridiculous. If a woman posted on here with a cheating husband, she should receive our sympathy, empathy and support. However, that's not what's going on here. The OP is talking about her "friend" and is making a load of assumptions.

When I say you can't know what goes on in a marriage, I mean just that. I knew a couple: the man was smart and handsome and incredibly warm and charming. The wife - quiet, not a huge lot of fun, and sometimes cold and borderline rude to her husband. Everyone (including, to my eternal shame, me) thought she was lucky to have him. However, a decade later, after a divorce, I got to know her well. She was actually a terrific person, and she confessed to me that her ex-husband was a copraphiliac. That charming fellow got off by literally shitting on his wife.

So now I never make assumptions.