Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tackle friend about an affair or leave well alone?

138 replies

Whatissheplayingat1 · 27/07/2016 10:07

My very close friend is having an affair, she told me one month ago. She is married with children, the guy she is having the affair with is also married, with children, including a very young baby.
I hardly recognise her since she confided this secret to me, she's nasty and scathing about her husband, she has left Her chikdren with her husband for 2 weekends to be with this guy, lying to him about it being work related.
She's like a teenager, she's giddy, showing me pictures of him, laughing about sneaking around.
The thing I'm struggling with the most is she simply doesn't care who she's hurting, she's not bothered. There is no shame or sorrow or hint of regret.
She's gone from a doting caring wife and mother to behaving quite frankly like a slut.
I'm not sure how many more conversations I can have with her about this guy before I snap and tell her what I think of the way she's behaving. So far, it's only the fact that we are so close that I havent. She knows I dont 'approve' but ignores that.
She needs to wake up and stop what she's doing but if i have it out with her I don't see it ending well.....

OP posts:
toptoe · 27/07/2016 12:01

If you can separate her behaviour from her as a person then tell her you want to hear nothing more about it, but maintain your friendship.

If you can't then I think you need to step back from the friendship and retreat. I wouldn't tell her dh unless you are friends with him yourself. Likely response will be denial then anger then some massive fall out. If he has suspicions he may ask you, then you can tell him what you know (minus hurtful details).

Personally, I would do the latter.

manateeandcake · 27/07/2016 12:02

I've been in a similar situation to the OP and am also very firmly in the "don't get involved" camp. Which is not the same as saying "don't judge" -- you're just not obliged to deliver your judgements and have nothing to gain from doing so except a somewhat lonely tenancy on the moral high ground.

That said, it is a hard place to be if you want to keep the friendship. I agree with PP's suggestions of setting boundaries e.g. saying you don't want to hear about it, won't be used as an alibi etc (if that is how you feel). Be clear about what you are and are not on board for. I didn't do this early enough and regret it now.

iMatter · 27/07/2016 12:18

I have a friend in a similar situation.

I've told her I don't want to discuss her affair, I don't want to hear anything about him, their relationship and what lies she's telling her husband.

It made me feel uncomfortable and complicit in the affair when she talked about it.

hazeimcgee · 27/07/2016 12:20

Sorry not read all thread.

I'd invite her over or get her somrwhere alone, without phone pinging and talk to her. Ask where she see's things in 6 months, a year. Tell her you love her but she needs someone who DOES love her to tell her how much she's changed. If she gets defensive point out you're not telling her what yl do, but how would she act if you'd done this? Or is she was telling you she'd found out DH was? Or your DH?

Far more minor but best friend has a weird friends with benefits thing that she's struggling with and decided it was best to just ignore him. I told her honestly i thought she was really mean and if he did it she'd go mad. She agreed if it was reversed we'd be discussing what an arse he was. Sometimes people need someone to help them see things for what they are.

hazeimcgee · 27/07/2016 12:33

Reality Cheque she's behaving inorally, she's gonna hurt her own family and he's gonna hurt his. Why should she mind her own business when her friend is coming to her and making it her business?

The more you ignore the bad things people do the more they think its acceptable to do it

CodewordRochambeau · 27/07/2016 12:40

Reality cheque? Who's that made out to? Grin

Littlechip · 27/07/2016 12:47

This culture of telling people off for using a specific word but turning a blind eye to actual shitty behaviour because 'that would be judgey and judgey is bad' is tedious, sorry.
She may be an adult but that doesn't mean she's immune from criticism. Judging other people when their standards fall short is part of life, you can't expect immunity to go around doing as you like.
I'd just end the friendship and tell her why. I couldn't be bothered with that at all.

KayTee87 · 27/07/2016 12:55

I wouldn't tackle her about it as there's no point but tell her you don't want to hear anymore about it. I had to do this with a single friend who is having an affair with a married man with 2 kids as it made me sick to hear about it. We're not as close now as she's still seeing him 3 years on so only see each other as part of a group but we avoided a massive dramatic fall out.

TheNaze73 · 27/07/2016 13:14

Cancel the reality cheque Wink

LikeIGiveAFrock · 27/07/2016 13:17

Precisely what littlechip said

hazeimcgee · 27/07/2016 13:20

Reality Cheque should have been Realitycheque but i'm sure (s)he can recognose their name with an extra space in...

AppleSetsSail · 27/07/2016 13:23

Ugh. Avoid. I can't stand people who create chaotic, sordid, untidy lives for themselves.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/07/2016 13:35

I know of this situation

H had an affair. W didn't know. Ow h wrote and told w. H knew this. Told w. later letter arrived from OW h.

You could find a way to tell him. Think about why you want to be anonymous. I know it seems obvious but this is a man being treated badly. Is he your friend too?

davos · 27/07/2016 13:37

Personally I would need to end the friendship. I would probably tell him as well, but don't know 100%.

I couldn't stand by while a friend was treating her children and husband with such disrespect.

paulapantsdown · 27/07/2016 14:26

I have been in this situation. It was with an old friend who I had lost touch with for a number of years, so I didn't really know her husband as a friend as such. We had been close friends again for a year or two when she started her affair. For 6 months I was the only person who knew. I begged her to end either her affair or her marriage. She didn't listen to a word I said and sure enough, it all blew up in her face.

Things went badly wrong and have unfortunately continued for her that way. It made me miserable. I wish she had never confided in me. If I had the time again I would tell her to keep her rotten little secret to herself.

blindsider · 27/07/2016 14:31

Half these people who cheat have rewritten history to the extent that they think their affair is the only thing keeping their marriage going, the solipsistic twats.

ChatterNatterer · 27/07/2016 14:34

I'd start to distance myself - I don't think I would get involved with telling her DH - you don't need that drama.

Just begin to remove yourself from the situation as it's clear you're (rightly) uncomfortable.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/07/2016 14:39

Telling the h doesn't need to be a drama.

neolara · 27/07/2016 14:40

I know someone who had an affair. Like your friend, it was as if she was on drugs - a sort of temporary madness based around an all consuming infatuation. It was as if she just couldn't help herself. In the end, her dh found out, but I think she sort of wanted him too. She hadn't been happy in her marriage for a long time and even though things turned pretty nasty, actually, I think both she and her now exdh are much happier apart.

It's very hard to watch a car-crash happen in slow motion in front of you though. I think it's fine to say you don't want to talk about the affair with her.

MadamDeathstare · 27/07/2016 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChatterNatterer · 27/07/2016 14:55

Telling the h doesn't need to be a drama

It's not usually the telling that's a drama - it's the fall out afterwards - why pull that trigger?

Much easier to distance yourself and let it play out without meddling.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/07/2016 15:00

While letting the cheated on spouse be laughed at, made a fool of and having more of his life as a lie than needed.

galaxygirl45 · 27/07/2016 15:05

I've been in exactly the same place as you are. It all boils down to 1 thing - by listening to her story, and still speaking to her, you are supporting her behaviour. You may think that sounds harsh, but it took me months to twig that by carrying on that friendship, I was saying I am OK with what you are doing. I broke all ties after saying to her I want to be friends but you can't talk to me about this, I don't agree with it - but she couldn't help herself. It was the biggest part of her. If someone is doing something morally wrong that you don't approve of, I don't see how you can even be friends still. I've not spoken to my friend in 6 years now, and when I think back to how stressed and upset it made me (the man she was having the affair with was another good friend's husband), I am just angry that it took me as long as it did to walk away.

Bestthingever · 27/07/2016 15:07

I was in this situation several years ago. My friend was even planning to leave her dh. It was awful for me. Fortunately the other man dumped her. My friend now realises she had a lucky escape as her marriage is much better now. Unfortunately now a nasty ex friend is hinting she will tell her dh Shock

BocaDeTrucha · 27/07/2016 15:48

I would say definitely leave well alone and it's not your place to tell the dh.

I was in the same situation a few years ago and one of my oldest friends was having an affair. Her dh was just that, her husband and not a personal friend of mine, although I like him. It wasn't my place to tell him. I stuck with her, it wasn't a situation that was hurting me and I'm not a person to judge. There were issues going on in the marriage and it was her way of dealing with it. I'm not condoning it, but I was prepared to stick by her and to help her through any potential consequences. Luckily, it all came to a natural end and she's now still (pretty happily) with the same dh. For me, my friendship with her came foremost and I was definitely not going to put the cat amongst the pigeons with her dh. She never asked me to lie for her and I was never put in any awkward situations.