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Original poster

Tackle friend about an affair or leave well alone?

138 replies

Whatissheplayingat1 · 27/07/2016 10:07

My very close friend is having an affair, she told me one month ago. She is married with children, the guy she is having the affair with is also married, with children, including a very young baby.
I hardly recognise her since she confided this secret to me, she's nasty and scathing about her husband, she has left Her chikdren with her husband for 2 weekends to be with this guy, lying to him about it being work related.
She's like a teenager, she's giddy, showing me pictures of him, laughing about sneaking around.
The thing I'm struggling with the most is she simply doesn't care who she's hurting, she's not bothered. There is no shame or sorrow or hint of regret.
She's gone from a doting caring wife and mother to behaving quite frankly like a slut.
I'm not sure how many more conversations I can have with her about this guy before I snap and tell her what I think of the way she's behaving. So far, it's only the fact that we are so close that I havent. She knows I dont 'approve' but ignores that.
She needs to wake up and stop what she's doing but if i have it out with her I don't see it ending well.....

OP posts:
StillDrSethHazlittMD · 27/07/2016 10:33

Back away from the friendship. I couldn't even do the "look, we can still be friends but only on the condition you don't ever talk to me about this because I do not agree with it".

I couldn't look her husband in the face even knowing about it.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 27/07/2016 10:36

Just my personal opinion, but I would strongly advise against telling the husband. You are well within your rights to tell her you are unhappy she has shared this with you & as such, are colluding in her awful behaviour, and that you can no longer see a future for the friendship. These things always come out in the end, but even though I understand how angry you are, you will probably end up feeling guilty and responsible for the fall-out (which will be massive) - disengage yourself from her asap.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2016 10:37

Stay out of it, OP. It's not your business and you can't help. However, if you choose to still see you friend then tell her that you will not look at any pictures and you don't want to hear about this man as you think the situation is despicable. Leave it at that. She then knows of your displeasure - loud and clear - and you won't need to say anything else.

Drbint · 27/07/2016 10:43

I would drop her like a stone. Do you really want someone like this in your life?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 27/07/2016 10:47

she'll no doubt be using you as cover, as well as all her new found work responsibilities....

i'd cut her out for the time being.

purplevase4 · 27/07/2016 10:47

Let's not forget, though. Twatty as she may be. She's not having an affair with herself. I haven't seen one ounce of criticism for him about he's doing to his wife and children

Yes. And why is she a slut? Would you describe the man this way? He's the one with the really young baby.

I don't know why women always judge women more strongly than men for having affairs.

Firstly, nobody knows what is really going on in a marriage.

Secondly it's none of your business.

Dozer · 27/07/2016 10:47

Drop her as a friend then, or if you wish to remain friends tell her you strongly disapprove and don't want to hear anything further about it.

YABU for calling her a "slut": no need for sexism.

blindsider · 27/07/2016 10:47

Sadly, the bottom line is you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Your only option is to leave her behind.

EeksyPeeksy · 27/07/2016 10:52

Speaking from personal experience. It won't end well if you get involved.

From a slightly different perspective a friend of mine overheard a conversation between her then DP and I regarding his cheating. Me telling him to end it and what he stood to lose. I told him if he didn't I would tell her.

Somehow even despite hearing this conversation and a long honest heartfelt discussion between her and I he managed to weedle out of it. Our friendship was irreparably fractured to the point it quickly crumbled. There were alot of things that led to this eventual breakdown. We all shared a flat.

We tried a few years ago to get a friendship back but ultimately it just wasn't possible. They were then at that point married and she brought up the fact that he never actually did cheat. I kept my mouth shut at that point but accepted we could never truly be friends again.

They now have a child together and by all accounts seem very happy but she'll never know or allow herself to believe the truth. I truly hope it won't ever happen again but I am in the "a leapord doesn't change his spots" camp so wouldn't be surprised if it did.

The messenger always gets shot so honestly I would decide if you want this friendship. If you don't then there you go. If you do, tell her you don't want to know anything else and separate what you know from your friendship.

I can't stress enough to not get involved.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 27/07/2016 10:54

eeksy. This, exactly.

Sciurus83 · 27/07/2016 11:00

Uh oh. The children involved here make the situation so much more serious. A similar situation with no kids involved would warrant a "hey she's a grown up" reaction IMO but in this situation a stern talking to is definitely in order. Tell her what you've said here, that you don't recognise her, that you are appalled and that she needs to sort this out. People in affairs get caught in this bubble of no consequences, the stakes of hurt are so high here I think you should let her have it. How she reacts; whether she comes to her senses and realises you said those things to her because you are her friend, or if she ignores you or even is angry with you, will tell you whether she is your friend. If nothing else it will out the fear up her that you might tell her husband which might be enough to get her to stop but there is no more friendship, I think that would be an acceptable price x

BeyondBeyondBeyondBeyondBeyond · 27/07/2016 11:03

The trouble is, her DH might already know, he might not care or be in denial. And then the only person affected is you.

And it's not just with her, other friends might judge it as a betrayal of trust and cut you off - even if they think it is the 'right' thing to do, it is harder when it is a friend.

So, you can't tell cause it will end in tears, but you can't not tell cause it will end in tears. Your friend (like mine) is a shit for getting you involved.

blindsider · 27/07/2016 11:04

The children involved here make the situation so much more serious.

If the people who actually have the children haven't worked that out for themselves I don't think pointing it out will make an iota of difference to them if they are 'in must'

Discobabe · 27/07/2016 11:04

Having been the wife of a dh who had an an affair, I absolutely would want someone to tell me if they knew. Do with that what you will, I'm just saying.

Affairs do strange things to people. They delude themselves into thinking no one will get hurt because they won't find out. They justify it by villifying their partners over stupid things. Regardless of what goes on in someone's marriage you do not need to have an affair. Fix yourself and your marriage or leave.

blindsider · 27/07/2016 11:05

Regardless of what goes on in someone's marriage you do not need to have an affair. Fix yourself and your marriage or leave.

THIS

DeathStare · 27/07/2016 11:07

To be fair to the OP I don't get the impression she is holding her friend responsible rather than the married man she's having the affair with. Her post sounds like she's sickened by both of them.

But her friend is the one sharing the details with. It's her friend's DH she has to look in the eye. It is her friend who has crossed the boundaries of the friendship and is involving the OP in something she doesn't want to be involved with.

While she may be disgusted by the behaviour of both of them, it is her friend who she actually has to deal with.

ayeokthen · 27/07/2016 11:11

So called friend of mine did this to her lovely husband. I was his friend too and absolutely torn in two. Made clear to her I thought she was out of order, that she shouldn't treat her DH this way. Long story short, she used my newborn as an alibi for one of her shagging nights and I cut all contact, as she told me to lie to her DH if he asked where she'd been. I refused, but thankfully he didn't ask. She got caught out, he was devastated and she called me looking for sympathy (for her not him) and I told her straight she was a bitch and deserved it. As far as I know they're still together. I'd leave well alone, shoot the messenger and all that.

Okkitokkiunga · 27/07/2016 11:12

Disco totally agree.

OP do you count the husband as a friend? I would tell your friend you don't want to know and then I would think long and hard about how I would feel when it comes out and the husband finds out you knew and what that will do to your friendship when he will need support. Also as others have said if she is using you unbeknownst to you as an excuse you will be judged anyway.

You are in a very difficult position right now. I did tell a friend that his DP was having it off with his best mate. I struggled with the decision but I don't regret that I told him, tho no children were involved.

I'd want to know.

If this was a man, he'd be being called all the names under the sun. It's not sexist to call someone a slut if their behaviour is slutty.

PinguForPresident · 27/07/2016 11:16

I'd leave it. There's nothing to be gained from telling her husbnad: perhaps he knows and has accepted it, perhaps he's planning to tackle her about it, perhaps she's going to leave him next week...

All that will happen if you tell him as that you'll be blamed for splitting up their family. he won't thank you for it. She knows the affair is morally wrong, but she's caught up in the giddyness of it, and the fun factor.

Talk to her. Try to get her to talk out with you why she's doing it, what her plans are going forward - does she want to leave the husband, is the OM planning to leave his wife. By talking with her you may be able to help her come to a few realisations of her own. If you can't bear to help her in that way, then cut contact, but don't "tell on her"

Not impressed with the use of the word slut, BTW.

2nds · 27/07/2016 11:26

Is her husband or her boyfriend abusive? So if you tell her husband what happens if either man attacks her?

I'd be tempted to tell her I want no involvement and bye bye.

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 27/07/2016 11:28

Don't tell the DH but drop her.
You could warn her that the way she is carrying on someone will notice and tell her DH and the OMDW.

whois · 27/07/2016 11:33

toofarfromcivilisation bloody hell 15 years??? How on earth have thye kept that up for so long without suspicions?

facepalming · 27/07/2016 11:36

Is she in love with the other guy? Does she intend to leave her husband? What about the other guy is he in love with her?

If they are just messing around its disgusting, it's not much better if they are in love I think that does make things a bit different.

I would encourage her to make some decisions about her own marriage without considering the other guy. If she's staying with husband then of course the affair has to stop. If she is leaving him she needs to do so quickly and without any expectations of the other guy

chances are the other guy won't leave his wife regardless of what your friend does.

LadyStoicIsBack · 27/07/2016 11:42

Have a view but no time post proprerly so placemarking. It's a v v shit sit'n, poor OP, poor respective non-affair having DH & the DW Angry

CodewordRochambeau · 27/07/2016 11:47

I agree with PP - nothing you can say will make a difference while she is infatuated, and it's not your place to tell the husband, but you can ensure that she doesn't make you a colluding party. Next time she tries to show you pictures or tell you about it, you just say 'I am your friend and I love you, but I cannot support your behaviour. It's none of my business if you choose to continue with this affair but I don't want to hear about it.'