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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tackle friend about an affair or leave well alone?

138 replies

Whatissheplayingat1 · 27/07/2016 10:07

My very close friend is having an affair, she told me one month ago. She is married with children, the guy she is having the affair with is also married, with children, including a very young baby.
I hardly recognise her since she confided this secret to me, she's nasty and scathing about her husband, she has left Her chikdren with her husband for 2 weekends to be with this guy, lying to him about it being work related.
She's like a teenager, she's giddy, showing me pictures of him, laughing about sneaking around.
The thing I'm struggling with the most is she simply doesn't care who she's hurting, she's not bothered. There is no shame or sorrow or hint of regret.
She's gone from a doting caring wife and mother to behaving quite frankly like a slut.
I'm not sure how many more conversations I can have with her about this guy before I snap and tell her what I think of the way she's behaving. So far, it's only the fact that we are so close that I havent. She knows I dont 'approve' but ignores that.
She needs to wake up and stop what she's doing but if i have it out with her I don't see it ending well.....

OP posts:
Hissy · 27/07/2016 15:54

If you drop her like the sack of shit she is, would that act as a clue to her dh?

When she next engineers a weekend away, go round and see him. Show him any evidence you have.

myownprivateidaho · 27/07/2016 15:55

Agree that you should stay well out of it. Let him without sin cast the first stone etc.

NeeNahh · 27/07/2016 15:58

Perhaps part of her wants this to be out in the open as if you really want to keep something secret you wouldn't tell anyone.

I don't think I would drop a close friend who I had known for years for this. But I would feel uncomfortable spending time with her husband.

It is tricky. I think I would refuse to lie for her etc. and ask her not to discuss it but I don't think I would tell her husband.

cingolimama · 27/07/2016 16:54

Should OP's friend wear a scarlet "A" on her chest? I'm surprised at how viciously moralistic people are on here. People make stupid mistakes, people are flawed - Christ if I dumped every friend who did something I didn't approve of, I wouldn't have many.

That said, you don't have to discuss any of her affair as it makes you uncomfortable and makes you feel as if you are colluding. You can make your position clear, but still be there as a friend, when, in all likelihood, the affair will fizzle out of its own accord and she'll come back to her senses. Whatever you do, please don't tell her husband - it's really not for you to do.

Ldnmum2015 · 27/07/2016 17:46

The thing I hate about mates like this I they are dumping their crap on you, and in effect making you lie on their behalf, and then you have to work out solutions to deal with their nonsense, i would dump her as a friend, as she is on a road to destroying a family and will reflect badly on you when the wife does find out. I once got an anonymous voicemail, which led me to uncover my ex cheating, never found out who sent it, but I appreciated being forearmed, and that someone had my back!

2rebecca · 27/07/2016 18:02

Completely agree with cingolimama.

hazeimcgee · 27/07/2016 19:19

Suprised by how many peoole say cut her out your life cos she's a terrible person and you don't need it in your life BUT continue to let her cheat on her hubby and possibly be part of ripping two families apart!

AppleSetsSail · 27/07/2016 20:05

Should OP's friend wear a scarlet "A" on her chest? I'm surprised at how viciously moralistic people are on here. People make stupid mistakes, people are flawed - Christ if I dumped every friend who did something I didn't approve of, I wouldn't have many.

She's potentially subjecting her children to a broken home that would have otherwise remained intact. Isn't this a rather enormous problem? I'm not really all that keen on people who are capricious with their children's stability and happiness.

If no kids were involved, fine.

DietCockBreak · 27/07/2016 20:14

toofarfromcivilisation
I have had this sort of situation for 15 years... When/ if it all comes out I hope her husband will listen to me when I tell him that I knew but it was not my place to tell him.*
Erm, what? Are you fucking kidding me? You've stood by and watched him waste 15 years of his life and said nothing, and you want him to understand? NOPE. You've colluded in him wasting his life and living a complete lie FFS.

cingolimama · 27/07/2016 20:43

Yes of course it's an enormous problem. It isn't, however, the OP"s problem.

Look, I think people in the grip of an affair do kind of go off their heads and behave irrationally. I've seen it happen to a friend of mine, who at the end of three months of very uncharacteristic behaviour, came back to herself to be a loving (and grateful) wife and mother again. She deeply regretted her actions. She wasn't a "despicable human being". She made a mistake.

AppleSetsSail · 27/07/2016 20:43

The transformation from young and single to a married mother requires a bit of moral reorganisation. The younger self wouldn't dare cast judgement on philandering and upholds the sisterhood above all else,, but the older self understands the damage it brings to bear.

AppleSetsSail · 27/07/2016 20:49

Look, I think people in the grip of an affair do kind of go off their heads and behave irrationally. I've seen it happen to a friend of mine, who at the end of three months of very uncharacteristic behaviour, came back to herself to be a loving (and grateful) wife and mother again. She deeply regretted her actions. She wasn't a "despicable human being". She made a mistake.

I think 'despicable' is really beside the point. It's important for adults with children to resist the temptation of extracurricular sex for the sake of their children. If they can't, being surrounded by friends who enable them is certainly not helpful.

chattygranny · 27/07/2016 20:49

I was in a similar situation with a friend years ago. She was unhappy in her marriage and the affair caused it to end when it was discovered. Throughout I told my friend I did not approve and would never lie for her. I would never have told her husband for several reasons. Ours was the primary friendship, we are still friends. he found out anyway. Also I have known marriages survive affairs, somebody meddling never ends well for anyone in my experience. These things have a way of coming out.

MrHannahSnell · 27/07/2016 20:50

Stay well out of it and reduce contact with yr friend.

cingolimama · 27/07/2016 20:52

That's an interesting perspective, Apple. Personally, I was far more judgemental when I was younger. Age made me more understanding of human folly.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 27/07/2016 21:01

I dropped a friend over this. Although we didn't find out until she split from her partner and he told us the reason. I thought there was something not quite right as she was overly friendly with the man in question right in front of everyone. What made it worse is the man she cheated with was a relative through marriage. I was disgusted tbh and couldn't see her any other way.

If my DH were to have an affair and I discovered friends knew but had just kept quiet and decided they didn't want to know any details but also wouldn't tell me, I'd not think too much of them either.

RubbleBubble00 · 27/07/2016 21:01

I couldn't remain friends. I wouldnt make a huge declaration. I'd just back away from the friendship. It's a personal thing for everyone, how they would deal. I couldn't look her in the eye or enjoy her company but it's her life and her choices.

AppleSetsSail · 27/07/2016 21:01

That's an interesting perspective, Apple. Personally, I was far more judgemental when I was younger. Age made me more understanding of human folly.

Interesting indeed. Wink 15 years into marriage, I feel pretty lucky to have gotten to the intermediate stage where you can see that it's all worth it, and I'm so glad we avoided the super-easy divorce pitfall of the early kid years.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/07/2016 21:22

Firstly I think this is your business OP, because your friend has MADE it your business when she started "showing me pictures of him, laughing about sneaking around". It's not enough that she's having an affair, she wants to tell you all about it, putting you into the position of having to keep her secret, a secret you would rather she hadn't shared. And while you keep her secret, she is effectively forcing you to collude in deceiving her husband. That is shitty behaviour from her TO YOU. And that is something you are entitled to call her on. She wants to shit on her husband and children, her choice. She doesn't get to make you shit on them too.

Secondly, what to do? Do you tell her husband? I honestly don't know. But I do know I'd be telling her she can't make me collude with her any more because it makes me unhappy. I don't want to hear about her affair, not a word. Not one word. And if I so much as suspect that she is using me to deceive her husband, say by claiming to be with me when she is with her other man - I will tell the truth, so just fucking don't try it on!

I would find it very difficult to continue the friendship. You say it's like a complete personality transformation - so the person you became friends with is currently not there. Sad

Vittoriosa · 27/07/2016 21:30

I understand your dilemma, but I'm afraid I would have to have a very straight talk with her about the lives affected here. She needs to understand what's at stake here, stop being so self-absorbed and think of her children. If she is unhappy in her marriage she should address this directly

Drbint · 27/07/2016 21:38

how viciously moralistic people are on here

Yeah well, if she just said she was having an affair and you screamed, "Get out of my life, ho-bag," fair enough. People do make bad choices in bad places, it happens.

This woman, laughing about cheating on her husband, would be out of my life as soon as I knew she was that callous, whether it came from an affair or not. Life is way too short.

Wibblewobble100 · 27/07/2016 22:00

It would be end of friendship for me. I couldn't respect someone who treated their partner and family like that. Obviously the man she's having an affair with is behaving in an equally shitty way, but he's not the OPs friend.
I wouldn't tell her husband, assuming I only know him through the friend. I would be straight with the friend, something like-" I think you need to end the affair, or leave your husband. If you can't do that, I can't see you at the moment."

RowenaDahl · 27/07/2016 22:05

If I were you I would withdraw from the friendship.

We are all walking our own path and if she has enough rope she will hang herself with it. It's not your job to do that.

Whenever I find myself in a difficult situation I do what is right for me. You don't like the person she has become so let her go. It might just make her realise that this could be the start of her losing everything. She needs to come to that realisation off her own back.

paxillin · 27/07/2016 22:12

I wouldn't trust her. She cheerfully destroys her husband's and kids' happiness, why would she stop at yours? She'd just as happily fuck her friend's life up for a thrill.

icy121 · 27/07/2016 22:23

If she's telling close friends then deep down she must want the secret to be revealed. A secret isn't a secret if more than one person knows, or, i suppose, if both people have a lot to lose. People want to have liaisons for a variety of reasons. If she's telling you who else is she telling? Maybe she's looking for a way to end her crap marriage (people don't have affairs of they're happy) or have a less boring life. Tell her to leave her marriage if it's so shit she has to try to wreck it but you want no part in any of it.

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