Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

[FindingNemoAgain]

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

[pigsDOfly]

My exh was like this. Our DC were never good enough. He would talk about his friends' children and what they'd achieved and how well they did this or that.

When it came to our children he never uttered a word of praise or encouragement for anything; it's soul destroying.

[nuttymango]

Thank god you are not a teacher. Your poor son.

[Rumpelstiltskin143]

OP you really have no clue do you! No one's saying you don't push your children to do their best, they're saying you're going about it the wrong way. Nitpicking everything and comparing it unfavorably to others doesn't help, as others have said it's soul destroying.

[Forgetmenotnot]

my mum was like you.

Messed me up good and proper

[EttaJ]

findingnemo it's you that's embarrassing yourself. You are absolutely full of shit. Changing tactics, blaming your DS and your DH. Keep going the way you are and you'll alienate both your DC and probably your husband too.

You really need to look at yourself. You post in AIBU and yet you refuse to accept the general concensus . You are being heavily criticized and YOU don't like it. Now think how your DS feels because no doubt this isn't the only thing you pick on him for. Wise up and fast!

[PrincessFiorimonde]

OP, I think you probably realise you could have handled this better (even though you did tell DS his toy was 'pretty cool'). You've had some pretty harsh responses on this thread, I think. But you can probably see why some PP sound harsh, as hard words from parents that put down our achievements as children (or even as adults) can resonate with us even now, no matter how many years have passed.

Seems that your actual OP was about your DH trying to reassure DS in a way that you feel came across as attacking you. But, maybe, really DH was just trying to bolster DS's confidence and he didn't mean to attack' you at all. If you really think that DH 'was almost happy you were being blamed' - implying that he was gloating at you feeling bad - then that's obviously something you need to talk to him about.

Meantime, give DS a big hug in the morning.

Good luck.

[nuttymango]

OP, my parents were both like you. 50 years on I still think I am useless and no good at anything. You need to change.
I was constantly compared to cleverer children and told that I was not good enough.

[SmallBee]

Ok OP, so you're upset because you have given constructive criticism and it wasn't well received.
Well now you've been given some constructive criticism, how are you going to behave? Are you going to put your hands up, admit you can do better next time and take this advice? Or are you going to sulk and blame someone else as your 12 year old has allegedly done?

Because you can't have it both ways. If you really believe criticism helps people improve, then you'll improve from this as a parent.
If you're just finding yourself upset and defensive based on comments from strangers on the Internet, well, then imagine how you'd feel if you were 12 instead of an emotionally mature woman and those comments were from your mother.

[BreconBeBuggered]

Nuttymango, me too.I also identify with the pp who said she'd learnt it wasn't even worth trying something if she wasn't naturally brilliant at it.

Maybe we all need to remember how it felt as a child to get things wrong. I try to encourage rather than criticise my own DC, but knowing what they're capable of I probably don't always get the balance right.

[TendonQueen]

It's interesting to see how often it is the case that those who dish out criticism really can't take it themselves.

[whatamockerywemake]

FindingNemo I think some of the posters have been quite harsh, but I understand where they're coming from, because I - like many of them - had an uber-critical parent, and it does leave it's scars. I could cite many examples of when he pricked the balloon that was my pride or joy or excitement in something. Sometimes even as a joke (I went to quite an academic school, but wasn't very academic. ONCE in my time there I got a really good test result (in the 90%s), which was unheard of for me. Dad asked me - and he was joking - which ones I got wrong. I did know he was proud of the result [he was all smile-y. He def was proud]. Would it have killed the fucker to have just said "well done". No, my dad wouldn't have done that). Like many others, I grew up feeling like a constant disappointment (my genitalia was wrong for a start. Then I wasn't even sporty and nothing, literally nothing, I ever did was just good for it's own sake). I don't want to stick the boot in, because I think some PPs have been quite harsh, but please learn from this. A confident child will achieve more (I think) and I also think more willing to take risks, to learn from mistakes, etc. School will teach your child the education stuff. Life will teach them the knocks. I think our job as parents is to teach them resilience, and a major way we can do that is to boost their self-esteem.

When my DD was younger, I did what you did, because I was just so proud of her and thought she was so fantastic, I wanted her to be the best she could possibly be. It took a good friend saying to me "you made a 7 year old cry over HOMEWORK????" for me to start thinking about changing my ways; and then I read between the lines at some of the stuff school was hinting at ("It's HER homework" etc), and watched what some parents I admire did, and then I stopped trying to impose MY ideas and thoughts of how something should be, and paid attention to HER ideas and thoughts. And I don't give false praise - and I've ALWAYS said to DD I won't ever do that (I sometimes do!).

As a PP said, the more important thing is the "journey" not the result. The result doesn't matter too much - you can usually have another opportunity to do things better. Have they learnt/benefited/enjoyed/stretched themselves? These things matter.

Next time, suggest you don't look at the result (friend's toy was better). Look at the journey - WOW! You learned how to make THAT!!!!

Please do think about the constructive stuff people are saying, and hear how hurt so many people STILL are about things their parents said decades ago.

[trafalgargal]

My Mum was queen of the That's Nice But ........ And it continued into adulthood. Reading your post I felt that hurt and frustrated feeling in my stomach she gave me. It wasn't until I was an adult I finally confronted her properly ... I'd tried before but she always brushed it off but this day something snapped and I did t allow her to fob me off . She went quiet and then slowly said "My mother always did that to me and I'm so sorry I didn't realise I did it to you too" I literally felt a weight lift ...... One I hadn't t realised I had carried for years. Whilst logically I'd known for years now she treated me wasn't fair emotionally I believed she must be right and I was never good enough. Don't do this to your son ,it's painful and damaging

[iminshock]

You were mean
Everyone agrees .
Why don't you get it ?

Do t do it again.

[BackforGood]

False praise isn't what people are talking about.
Finding something nice to say / something praiseworthy is what good coaches / teachers / parents do.

I see them as very different things.

[DeathStare]

So you criticising your son (a child!)'s hard work is fair game because life is tough and he needs to learn how to do it better next time.

Your husband criticising your suggestion is out of order and a betrayal.

One rule for you, another one for everyone else.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Is it ironic that the op is completely unable to accept criticism

OP your original comments to your DS were crass. Your dramatics at the dinner table were pathetic frankly. Betrayed? Really?

[KiteCutter]

Without wanting to rehash everything previously said (and I'm in total agreement with the majority of PPs here) I'm yet another one who wasn't good enough for their parents.

I wasn't a boy. My father thought it would be a good idea to tell me a few years back that my mother wouldn't look at me/pick me up for two days after I was born because of that. Thanks Dad. I can't ask her as she died 15 years ago.

I was "academic" and skipped a year in junior school. But it was never enough. GCSE results were greeted with "why weren't they all A?". Sister (who was the pretty, sporty one) was given money for every one she got a C or above in.

I did A-levels and there's a whole post there about "you can't mix arts with sciences". I went to university and lasted 10 months (no money, no support not even doing the course I wanted to).

I wonder if in 10 years time your son will be here posting on the "Stately homes" thread?

Oh, and for the record, I was the manager of a department of 40+ in an international company in the UK. We moved 4 years ago for my DH's work and the biggest smile I had this week was from one of the girls who comes to the dance class I run; who has obviously practised all of the last week and it shows.

[MonkeyPJs]

if you don't say how to improve things (which on second thought I said because the dangling wires could be pulled and break the connections, but I didn't mean for him to push them in now that the toy was sealed) as it is 'fragile', how would the kids learn to do something better next time?!

On a completely serious note, this sort of attitude really can hurt kids' self esteem in a way that makes them not want to try anything new. If you were that concerned, best thing to do would be to make one with your son and during that process ensure the wires are inside.

If you don't know how to make the toy with your son with the wires inside, you aren't well qualified enough to make suggestions as you do not have any idea of how hard or easy something is to do

[Slumberparty]

Sorry YABU. I grew up with an overly critical parent and he would comment negatively on all school work / achievements. Was a real downer.

[Dutchcourage]

This thread is crazy

[WhisperingLoudly]

OP that last comment about maybe the mother of the singer didn't want the DD to "embarrass yourself next time" are you just lashing out in reaction to the criticism here? Because if you're not and that is a genuine thought process I think you need to get some help.

[Fairylea]

I was the poster who said about the singing thing. I probably couldn't sing that well to be fair (I did get a few distinctions at music theatre exams so I can't have been that bad!) but that's not the point at all.

The "embarrass yourself" point just sums everything up. The only person you are worried about embarrassing is yourself - if your child is proud of something they aren't embarrassed are they?

Your attitude is dreadful.

[Kallyno]

You were wrong to mention the wires at that point - if you really felt a teaching point was warranted then the best thing would have been to share his delight on showing it to you and then wait a few days and mention the wires in a casual way.

Your husband could have played a lovely role in it all by defusing the situation by sort of mediating, which would have been kinder for your son if nothing else. The fact he didn't and even seemed to delight in you being cast in the baddie role suggests that either he is a shit or you are quite critical to everyone in your family and this scenario hit a nerve with him.

You won't prepare your son for the adult world through criticism. At 12 you need to choose your "teaching points" very carefully.

[Butteredparsnips]

OP I deliberately worded my post at 23:13 to provide some symmetry with your DS' situation.

You don't appear to like being told you could parent better.