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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about the postman and my daughter's beautiful hair.

299 replies

Rosae · 26/07/2016 12:40

My 13 month old daughter has (what I consider to be) beautiful ginger hair. Very ginger.
While signing for a parcel today the royal mail postman commented to me ' she is quite the ginge isn't she? You'll wanna be getting some hair dye for that soon' with a little snigger after it. I'm not very good or fast with comebacks so just looked at him I shock then went back in.
AIBU that this comment made me upset and worried about the future for her? My hubby has strawberry blonde hair and got badly teased and bullied for it at school.
Friends sometimes make jokes about it but in a more lovingly teasing way that I brush off in general and say 'yes she's gorgeous isn't she? ' Should I be stopping it?

OP posts:
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7
emmyhNL · 27/07/2016 19:54

I'm a red head and my daughter is showing signs of the same (ginger eyebrows, red tint to her hair) and I'm dreading it for her.

I was bullied senseless because of my hair colour and I fear the same for her.

imother · 27/07/2016 19:57

carricakes80 what a wise attitude and helpful post. i hope the OP takes on the same approach.

Ika1968 · 27/07/2016 20:01

You don't care about a mailman. You May be upsets because you dont react assertiveness. Don't be mád or dissapointed, you learnd something...
Maybe, if you want, nextime just ask him why he said that?
His answer im sure, has nothing to do with you or your daugther.

pippistrelle · 27/07/2016 20:04

I don't understand why in England people say things like that! Where I come from she will be stopped in the street and told how beautiful she is!

Not everyone is an idiot: there's plenty of positive affirmation in England too.

Passwordfatigued · 27/07/2016 20:12

Love my red hair (although it is sadly now starting to go grey..) grew up in Ireland so it wasn't a big deal apart from everyone telling how gorgeous it was! Only got a bit of stick as a teenager with some dubious 'do the cuffs and the collars match's comments but by then was well able to take care of myself. Now living in England and some of the abuse people have had worries me for my totally gorgeous redheaded Dd.

Alidoll · 27/07/2016 20:14

My brother has ginger hair and I had platinum blonde hair as a baby (my Dad had dark hair and my mum brown) so there was LOADS of comments about that as we stayed in a small village. The fact that my mums sister and brother are both redheads (as was my grandfather on my Dads side) seems to slip by folk!

My brother hated his hair (still does) and has a no.1 cut. He dyed it blonde for a while as well but with it being so short, the red came through pretty quickly so now it's cropped to the bone. He was teased throughout his childhood (Duracell etc) and blames his red hair on not being married or having kids (said he wouldn't want any kid of his to endure the suffering he did if it were to have red hair). Find that so depressing as hair / skin / appearance etc should never define a person - it's what they do with their lives that matters most. He's an expert in his field and well respected by his work colleagues so hair colour has no effect whatsoever in abilty. That postman will always be a twat, your little girl can be so much more with love and encouragement.

yumyumpoppycat · 27/07/2016 20:15

My ds has always had positive comments about his hair a lovely golden ginger ...apart from his friend's mum who has red hair! She was making comments to him recently and he said what is wrong with red hair... he was totally bemused Grin

Spudlet · 27/07/2016 20:19

DS looks like he's going to take after me and be a little redhead... Hoping he'll be big enough and sharp-witted enough to put any nasty bullies off making too many comments. I love my hair now, but had a hell of a time growing up.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 27/07/2016 20:41

My DD is a red head. I was hoping that neither of my children would be as DH was as a child although it's changed now and he was really badly bullied for it and I didn't want the same for them.

DD has the most stunning colour though and it's quite pale with proper blond highlights and dark streaks. It's amazing. I've been fortunate in that we have attracted lots of compliments about her hair, it's curly at the ends too. Only one negative and that was from my uneducated cousin laughing about how you could see her coming because of her hair colour. I just gave her a look as she is a bit of twat at the best of times so it wasn't worth the head space.

Definitely see if you can find out where the parcel was from and complain. Why this is considered acceptable in this day and age I don't know. It's not acceptable to be sexist, racist, disabilist etc so hair Co, our shouldn't be something that is allowed to be picked on. I'm pretty sure it's actually not allowed and considered a hate crime!

Familyof3or4 · 27/07/2016 20:46

At the risk of being slated for mentioning child modelling, one of the busiest kids at our agency has red hair.

thisisafakename · 27/07/2016 20:54

I think 'dumb' blonds get it far worse the us auburn headed gals

Definitely not. Blonde is universally seen as desirable and even dumb blonde jokes (which aren't common) are not laced with the hate that is directed at redheads. In my year at school, all (bar 2 or 3) of the 'popular' girls had blonde hair (whether natural or fake). Nearly all the children with red hair were badly teased and abused- stuff like 'ginga', 'ginger minge' and other stuff. Never heard a single dumb blonde joke during my entire time there.

JulieJuniper · 27/07/2016 21:07

When did all this anti-"gingerism" start? I'm old and I don't remember such hair colour being a focus of snide comments when I was young. Is it because other "-isms" have been outlawed so there's a decreasing number of characteristics for small-minded people to "have a go" about?

My late, and beloved, MiL had auburn hair. I was so pleased that DD had some of that (darkish hair, but with some auburn that showed when the light was at just the right angle). DGS has a little of that, too. Smile

DuchessOfPodd · 27/07/2016 21:22

I'm pretty shocked that anyone could even think this! My DD (9) has gorgeous reddy auburn hair and it never once occurred to me that I should prepare her for the possibility of being teased. I think it'd be a great idea to think up some quick answers for when this does happen. How about '...and you're quite the ignorant fucktard aren't you? Pretty soon you'll need a bottle of common decency, but I doubt it'll cover up your bad taste '.

MissesBloom · 27/07/2016 21:26

Going to be slated for this but I was one of those stupid people who made ginger jokes, not often but if it came up in conversation I'd go along with or join in with jokes. Never bullied anyone for it to their face but not much better. Just didn't see it could be hurtful. Oh how I regret it now.

I was due to have my c section with dd and joked to my dh 'imagine if she was ginger" ha ha ha. Cue my gorgeous daughter being born with bright red hair. All I could say was "wow she's ginger" for the the first ten mins due to pure shock and then just fell in love with her and her hair.
Certainly has taught me a lesson as she gets comments constantly. Mostly lovely but lots of shitty comments too. The shitty ones hurt. I had no idea how horrible people can be....especially to babies (dd is 9months old).
Can also agree about other siblings being ignored...I get stopped repeatedly on trips out with people asking about dd but ds who has brown hair is completely ignored.
I try to just get away from people these days because I find it annoying...not just because she gets so much interest in her hair but also because despite her being dressed in pinks/purples/with bows etc she is always getting called a boy Angry

The worst thing is the majority of shitty comments came from dhs family. Three of them have told me "don't worry she'll grow out of that hair" and "she'll be able to dye it when she's older". So odd. How can you insult a baby?

Anyway dd was offered a contract with a great agent when she was 6 weeks old and has had bookings ever since. I'm sure it's because of her beautiful auburn hair. She loves every minute and gets attention everywhere she goes.

I just hope she learns to grow a thick skin. Lesson most definitely learned about how nasty comments can make people feelBlush

MissesBloom · 27/07/2016 21:31

Also thisisafakename I agree...the only bullying I was aware of at school was a red haired girl...she was teased so badly they all said the usual shit "she stinks of wee" "don't play with her she's got lurgies" usual nasty playground crap but she was so pushed out it was awful.
I have never seen a blonde haired person be treated with the hate that a red haired person gets

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 27/07/2016 21:38

DD's best friend had strawberry blonde hair and has always been complimented about it. I really cannot get how people can bully others because of their hair colour FGS! It's hair!

sineadHG · 27/07/2016 21:54

People are dicks! My son is ginger, I think it's gorgeous (and always have even before he came along....errr hello, Damien Lewis?!)

The thing I find strange is when people ask us where it's come from, as neither me or my husband have red hair.....as if he can't be ours!

MissesBloom · 27/07/2016 21:57

Sinead my neighbour asked me the other day as an honest question, if my dd was my husbands? And told me that her and her partner had been discussing this as they 'couldn't work it out'.
Not your business sprung to mind Hmm

sineadHG · 27/07/2016 22:04

MissesBloom -EUGH SO NOSY ABD RUDE! there was a big commotion at the nursery when they saw my non ginger husband! The ginger gene actually comes from my dad who I have no contact with - I will say this to some people to try and make them feel a bit bad for prying!

MoultonMum · 27/07/2016 22:07

Made me think of this!

milliemolliemou · 27/07/2016 22:07

Sorry if xposting. I understand only 3pc of the world's population have red hair just as only 3pc have green eyes. Like most of the posters I envy red hair which is also in my family in all its varieties but alas missed me and DD. Apart from the fact it's rare are there any studies about why people are so vile about it? The poor sods who are albino in Africa (with red hair) tend to be kidnapped and used for body parts and magic.

MissesBloom · 27/07/2016 22:11

Same as me...from my Dad. Dds hair is exactly the same.
I love that you make them feel uncomfortable for prying...Can't believe some people think it's acceptable to insinuate that I may have cheated on my husband or that he may not be her dad Angry

Boredom must be such a bitch!

OhLaVache · 27/07/2016 22:15

What a prick. Red/ Aubourn / ginger hair is beautiful.

Marymoosmum14 · 27/07/2016 22:16

My other half is very ginger too, I think it is gorgeous and when I was pregnant with my DD I was praying for her to have his hair colour. I think it is the most stunning hair colour, it is just this stigma that goes with it.
I would leave the family and friends jokey comments for now as it might prepare her because she will get bullied for it, there is nothing you can do about that unfortunately, all you can do is fill her with the confidence that she is beautiful and her hair is amazing. As my partner always says the gene for ginger hair is a superior gene.

Bellyrub1980 · 27/07/2016 22:23

I'm ginger/red/auburn or whatever.

I grew up in the westcountry (now 35yrs old) and I can honestly say I was never bullied for my hair. Maybe people used to say stuff but I was so firmly a believer that my hair was stunningly beautiful (as drummed into me by the adults in my life) I probably was oblivious to negative comments, floating around in a world where I felt blessed to be ginger.

It seems to become a topic of conversation more now as an adult than it ever did as a child. Which is bit boring really because it literally grows out of my head like this. For me, that's all there is to say on the matter.

And people feel weirdly awkward about saying 'ginger', as if using another 'kinder' name magically changes the colour to something more pleasant.

I genuinely do love my hair. I'm pretty plain face wise and my hair makes me more interesting to look at I guess.

The only thing that does (secretly) annoy me is the assumption that I have a temper. I'm very very placid and non-confrontational. I've really never understood the link.