'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

'Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?'

'You have never once mentioned anything about the wedding other than what a financial inconvenience it was'.

Of course I haven't - because it wasn't relevant. What did you expect me to add? The weather? The menu? The colour of the mother-in-law's hat?

But the b&g wouldn't normally pay for the wedding party's rooms. So I don't get why everyone assumed they would? I've been a bridesmaid numerous times and dress should normally be paid for (one time it wasn't), hair and make up if done professionally should be paid for, accommodation I've never had paid for. So why is it that shocking that they weren't paying here? I would have asked when I was organising where I was staying who I should pay and what. If the b&g wanted to pay that would have been a nice surprise but should not be the assumption.

Oh dear smurfitt, I'm not sure you're going to get much more out of this thread. I think you should just chalk this one up to experience and assume it was a miscommunication, as many posters have said. I don't think it's on to insult sparechange and petal but I think it's clear you've been hurt by this incident, so I hope you manage to patch things up with your family.

Did the bride and groom book the hotel rooms on behalf of you and your parents?

I can understand the potential for misunderstanding there, if that was the case. But even so, they should have made their position on paying for rooms clear (as in, they weren't going to pay) so that you had the chance to make alternative arrangements if you wanted. And, you should have checked whether you were expected to pay.

But I guess you'll be sure to check who's paying if you're part of another wedding party in the future.

Ah well, your parents made a silly mistake, assuming their room would be paid for, without discussing this with the people paying for the wedding.

You made a silly mistake, taking your mother's word for things that were actually for the B+G to decide, without checking whether she'd confirmed her various assumptions, or what the implications were for you.

You've all learnt from it, moved on and won't be so quick to rely upon assumptions again. The end.

isn't it relevant though? Your rage about this seems out of proportion. Surely most people who'd enjoyed a family wedding would think, 'Well, it was a bit annoying about the room, but Barry and Carrie had a lot on their minds planning it, and it was so wonderful to see them so happy, and the food was great and we had a lovely time, and I didn't have to fork out for a train ticket up there, so on balance I'll just write the £184 off, and not let it spoil a happy occasion.'

For you, on the other hand, it clearly has spoiled a happy occasion. So either the occasion wasn't that happy, or this is the tip of a much bigger family iceberg.

But why would they give a heads up or clarify when they have never said they were paying?

Surely if someone makes a booking they expect someone else to pay for, they tell them when, where and how much to pay?

But its been a great thread

Exactly Theoretician.

Cats Biscuits - It honestly didn't spoil the occasion. The day itself couldn't have gone better. I only even raised the topic here because it would've caused a family row to have discussed it further with them. (Whereas here it's been all sweetness and light...)

I would assume any requirement to stay in a specific hotel would mean costs covered, especially if there was no involvement in the booking process. I don't think that's an unreasonable assumption.

AHEM

I also think you've been a bit out of order sparechange.

You sound like a family of takers, you especially...

Just trying to think of a context where that isn't really mean.... Nope, struggling a bit...

Don't forget my deep-rooted bitterness towards my brother-in-law Puppy!

Clearly with weddings it's best to assume nothing, then you can't be upset

DH was a best man at someone's wedding. We were asked if we wanted to book into the hotel and dithered partly on cost grounds as I was on ML at the time.

"Oh don't worry," we were told, "we'll sort that for you."

As we checked out, it suddenly became apparent that they hadn't meant "we'll pay" but "we'll just book it to force your hand". Which is why our bill was not only the eye-watering nearly £100 a night dinner bill we hadn't exactly budgeted for (bride wanted rehearsal dinner equivalent; we'd budgeted for burger or maybe pub) but also something like £125 a night for the room. For three or four nights because they'd insisted we be there for all the team-building bollocks beforehand. A year's holiday budget gone in one long weekend that wasn't even fun.

Communication, people.

And yes they were separated within about eighteen months.

OP I agree with others that one ought not to expect to be paid for, but there are cases where someone leads you to believe they're covering the bill and then suddenly changes their mind or reveals they never meant it. In your parents' case that must have felt hurtful. Maybe the bride and groom simply panicked and worked out what they weren't 100% committed to.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for?
Yes. So from your updates, it appears that you thought your sister was paying for your room. But it was your mum who "told" you to come the night before and insisted that you were part of the wedding party, and that was what gave you the impression that you were getting free accommodation. So, logically, you should be angry with your mum for causing this confusion. But you're not. You're angry with your sister. WHY??

And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?
Yep. I'm guessing since your mum was heavily involved in the organisation, she would have known how much the rooms cost, and it would have been on the invitations. You and she just assumed that this didn't apply to you, because your sister is better off than you, so why wouldn't she just pay for everything and why wouldn't you just get everything for free? Did you expect to attend the whole wedding without putting your hand in your pocket once?

Pff. I'm getting more annoyed than I should about this. But it's because I'm seeing members of my own family in your "why should I pay for anything" attitude.

Wow. Thank God I'm not related to you. You probably sold tickets to your wedding.

This attitude that it's somehow a special treat to attend someone else's wedding really annoys me. It isn't. It's the day YOU chose. All this 'didn't you expect to put your hands in your pocket?' says far more about you than it does me. Perhaps you had a wedding where people didn't want to pay through the nose for the sheer privilege of watching it?

As for this 'It would have been on the invitations' crap, think logically. How could we all have not known the arrangements if it had been? In any case, none of us received formal invitations. It was never even considered that such close family wouldn't go.

And yes, you are more annoyed than you should be. It's my life, not yours. Pull your head in.

This is getting mental now.
I'm really sorry everyone didn't think your expectations were realistic but simply they weren't . Stropping at people isn't going to change that but hey ho it's a lesson learned never to assume there's a free lunch going without checking yourself.

'Stropping at people'? I'm just responding, which I think I have every right to do. No one forces you to keep following the thread. You can click a button, can't you?

All this 'didn't you expect to put your hands in your pocket?' says far more about you than it does me.
Yeah, it says I generally expect to pay my own way in life and don't assume that others will pick up my bills. I buy a round of drinks when it's my turn. I split the bill in a restaurant. I organise and pay for my own travel and accommodation when I'm going somewhere.

And if someone is generous enough to pay for something for me, I say thank you. I would consider two nights in a nice hotel a treat, yes. If you had even thought to say thank you to your sister for paying for your accommodation, your mistake would have come to light before this.

Good point, Bravada, hadn't even thought of that. The surprised and thrilled "thank you" people would immediately send out if they believed someone paid 2 nights in the hotel for them would normally uncover the error.

I did however think it would be 'the norm' to include your parents.

my dbro did pay for our parents (but not me) but they paid towards the wedding. He went and paid trot room as soon as they checked it.

But you also think it's 'the norm' to pay for you too.

It is also the 'norm' for the brides parents to pay (less so now than in the past) but that didn't happen either. Why are some norms a must and others aren't? This wedding wasn't the 'norm'.

I can see how the cousin were paid for

Bride 'we would like to stay over at they hotel'

Cousin 'ok how much?'

Bride 'X amount'

Cousin 'really we can't afford that'

Bride 'ok it's going to make it so much easier if you are there, let us pay for it'

They probably asked about cost or at at least had a conversation about it.

And yes pp is right when you said thank you for them paying for your room, didn't they point out they weren't.

Tbh it sound sto me like this is your parents fault. Not for not paying for the wedding. Your op implies they did a lot of the arranging and telling you of the plans. Their assumptions have led to your assumptions.

The thing is.... let's just say my DM had been telling me I'm part of the party, I'm staying in the hotel etc etc, the very first thing I would've done would be to ring my Sis up and as a pp says, either say thank you, or more likely ask for more details and how much the room was going to be. I know I would.

You have to admit OP you've assumed something without doing normal asking or checking, you can get as cross as you like but just admit that that's the case.

I asked before but you didn't answer... do you get on with your Dsis?

To me it seems not because my Dsis and I have been on the phone this week about a wedding in the family because we communicate. Why don't you?