'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

Roussette - No offence, but I'm not sure why you keep on banging this same drum. You think I got it wrong, and that's fine. But why keep on repeating that you don't understand why I didn't do things differently, what you would have done in my situation etc. What are you expecting to happen? That I'll suddenly say 'Yes, I see the light, how could I have done this terrible thing, fetch me a noose so I can hang myself in shame!'?

You seem to be more involved in this than you need to be; a bit desperate to somehow be proved right, when it should be pretty obvious by now I'm not going to agree with you. You (and others) also seem over-keen to assess my family 'dynamic'. Again, no offence, but I've lived a lifetime with them - you've read a Mumsnet thread. Who understands more?

Good point, Bravada, hadn't even thought of that. The surprised and thrilled "thank you" people would immediately send out if they believed someone paid 2 nights in the hotel for them would normally uncover the error.

Yes, you'd think. Didn't happen in our case.

Smurnoff no offence taken. I just imagine you would say, well... yes perhaps I should have checked.

But you say you don't agree you should have checked, hey ho. I can only imagine you don't get on with your DSis and the communication is lacking.

Regarding your last para, I can't quite understand why you posted on AIBU if you didn't want opinions! You asked if you were BU, the majority of posters have said yes. End of.

I wouldn't have expected my room to be paid for. Having said that I paid for my parents but they have zero money. This is what annoys me about big extra advent weddings in the middle of no where. You're expected to stump up huge prices for hotels and that's if you can even get in or huge hotel costs plus taxis. Do people not consider guests anymore? We chose somewhere with nice rooms about £100 per room or the premier inn about 10 min walk for about £40.

its something that should have been up front and clear op, rather than sprung on you at the last min.

In my family I know a few weddings where the bride and groom have reserved several rooms and managed to get discount on them and paid for them.
If you cant afford it - stay somewhere else or sleep on your parents floor.
It seems rotten if your dp and your ds know your rough budget you couldnt afford it...

I've been to many weddings and stayed in hotels and not once has the b&g paid for our room

Usually we get an email /on invite stating that the hotels near the venue are abc and cost is £X

You knew you had to travel to venue so you should have asked sister how much hotel was

Blonde - There's not much point in telling me what you 'usually get' with the wedding invite. I clearly didn't, or this conversation wouldn't be happening.

It's clear that people have very different ideas about 'inviting' and 'hosting' for weddings. It's not unusual for weddings to be fully paid for by the bride & groom (father of the bride, more likely). That's the norm for weddings I've attended where you're not just going for the day.

There is a lot of expectation by bride and groom that they are 'directors' on the day and that the guest is there for their own benefit, being lucky enough to have been chosen. This is why MN is the home of 'bridezilla' threads, I think.

Whatever the scenario, if guests are to be involved in paying for any aspect of the wedding, this needs to be made very clear at the outset. I understand why b&g doesn't want to do that, it's awkward and it brings it home that they are not actually hosting, but it's far more awkward to leave guests in any doubt.

For the poster who rudely questioned whether OP 'put their hand in their pocket all day'; the weddings I attend, I pay the equivalent of the room costs - and then some - as a cash wedding present. Bit like laundering, I suppose.

I can't remember a time when this ever was an issue but then people didn't want champagne lifestyles on lemonade budgets so much before - of if they did - they didn't expect their guests to pay for that. Times change but the bridezilla-culture seems to be epidemic.

The whole point is that I WAS told how I'd be getting there and how long and where I'd be staying. What I wasn't told was that I'd be paying to fit in with what suited someone else or how much!

Do you always just float around, doing what other people say, expecting things to be sorted out by others and paid for? You sound like a child.

The normal thing to do is ask questions, and decide for yourself. So if someone tells you how you are getting there and how long you are staying, you say if it doesnr suit you, you ask how much, you ask what is going on. You know, like a grown up?

Freedom, you obviously have no experience of familial expectation and arrangements that can grow and run with a life of their own. I'm happy for you. For some though who do have this kind of pressure to deal with, your choices can quickly become moot in favour of the 'organiser' taking control and sweeping everybody along with them.

I think your post is unnecessarily rude and those same quips you've made were covered way back up the thread too.

It sounds to me like you are young and unorganised. Dont drive, dont find out about accommodation till a few days before, dont ask about costs, dont have adult conversations with the bride about arrangements.

It looks like your family have rallied round organising everything for you as it wouldnt get done otherwise. All you had to do was pay your way, no organisation needed from you at all.

Of course I do, I have plenty of experience of that. And not once have I ever just accepted that I am being driven somewhere without agreeing , staying somewhere without agreeing and not even asking who is paying for it. Who does that?

For some though who do have this kind of pressure to deal with, your choices can quickly become moot in favour of the 'organiser' taking control and sweeping everybody along with them

Only if you're cray enough to let them! You can only be swept if you allow yourself to be. Sounds more like apathy and laziness to me, with a lot of nonsense to cover that up "Oh I couldn't possibly ask my sister how much the hotel is, she is so busy organising!". Bullshit.

NoFuchs - Read. It. Properly.

I've said time and time again that the accommodation plan was set MONTHS in advance. It wasn't me who threw the curve ball at the last minute.

Also, how the hell is not having a car 'unorganised'? I live in London on a street where parking would cost me £200 a year. I work in an office in a very busy area with minimal parking. It would take me far longer to get London traffic than it does on the Tube. How would paying to buy, insure, tax and store a vehicle I'd very rarely use be organised?

I've said time and time again that the accommodation plan was set MONTHS in advance. It wasn't me who threw the curve ball at the last minute

There was no curve ball. It was set MONTHS in advance, you had MONTHS to ask the simple question: How much? You didn't, your fault.

And the irony (and rudeness) if you calling people "pieces of flotsam" when you're the one floating by unable to organise yourself to go to a bloody wedding!

I'm not sure this thread is helping you very much Smurf, you are clearly quite angry. I'm not sure with who, your sister I suppose and some of us 'pieces of flotsam'.

NoFuchs - Read. It. Properly.

I have and I stick with my comment, You sound Young and unorganised!

After your last comment though I would also like to add Rude and Angry to the list.

You have a really unpleasant, aggressive tone to your posts, OP. I don't really know what you wanted from this thread if you are getting so angry with anyone who replies.

That I'll suddenly say 'Yes, I see the light, how could I have done this terrible thing, fetch me a noose so I can hang myself in shame!'?

Are you always this dramatic. A 'oh I seem to have got it wrong assuming the bride and groom would pay' would be a normal reaction.

your choices can quickly become moot in favour of the 'organiser' taking control and sweeping everybody along with them.

the organiser in this situation appears to be the mother. Who isn't paying for anything, just seems to have taken it upon herself to organise it. For all we know the ride and groom may not had expressed any such notion that the op should stay two nights.

The only person who can't grasp simple points m, is the OP.

There is no rule that says the bride and groom pay hotel rooms. You and your parents were wrong in you assumption. It's quite simple.

I agree with your points, davos. I don't think OP is getting anything out of this thread really now.

Jackie - I only got angry after some of the unnecessary digs at me and, in particular, my family. Fair enough, I put myself out there, but for someone to describe my parents as 'a family of takers' because they couldn't pay for the wedding (which was upsetting for them) was unnecessary and cruel. Wouldn't you be angry?

I don't see what all this 'What are you getting out of the thread?' is about. Who is forcing you to read or reply if you don't think it's worthwhile?

Your sister should of listed the costs and cheaper options, however I would of assumed.

I attended my BIL and SIL paid the travel hired a car and hotel B&B it cost closer to 500 in total including present and drinks and I was heavily pregnant. I did it because I love my brother and wanted to share in his big day. You come across quite badly. All my family paid for our own accommodation.

Wouldn't'

Smurfnoff, This thread has 250 posts, most telling you that you were wrong in your expectation and should have been more proactive in finding out in advance what was happening, regardless of your mother taking over. You didn't. No harm done other than that you are angry.

Several posters, myself included, have defended your position saying that we have different experiences of being guests at weddings. You're just leaping about, repeating yourself endlessly now.

Please stop telling people that they shouldn't post on your thread. They can, regardless of whether you like what people are posting.

I'm starting to think that you like the furore that you've created here. Up to you, of course, but there's no need to be so gratuitously rude and objectionable.