'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

I wouldn't expect my room to be paid for, even as a bridesmaid. I wouldn't have assumed parents would be paid for either.

Unless I've missed something, nowhere has the OP said that the couple are paying for their cousins but not for her or the Mum and Dad

I have been to every type of wedding imaginable for close and more distant family. Not once have I heard of rooms being paid for. Yes, group discounts for rooms, but not all paid for.

Well now you have, Rousette, I think there are about five of us on this thread.

I would expect the wedding party to be paid for. I would never in a million years ask my sister to pay for her hotel room at my wedding. I would rather eat poo.

I don't think YABU. If someone tells you you are doing something, staying somewhere, etc rather than asks and does not mention a cost then I'd also assume it wouldn't cost me anything. I wouldn't book something for someone, tell them they are doing it (rather than asking, giving options etx) and then ask them for the money on the day.

If she'd said 'I've booked you a hotel, it's £182 OK?' you would have had to option to say no I can't afford it. Rather she said 'I've booked you and parents rooms at the hotel' and left it at that. I would probably have asked then if there was a cost
But I don't think YABU to assume they'd already paid for it.

sparechange Tue 26-Jul-16 13:53:57
As I said earlier, if you want to get all 'what is normal in this situation' about, your parents shouldn't be waiting for your sister to pay for their room
Your parents should have been paying towards the wedding!

You sound like a family of takers, you especially..

===

Grim and completely uncalled for post.

Yes obviously Lying. I'm just saying I've never ever had experience of it myself.

I would never imagine that being part of the wedding party conferred free rooms. That's not a normal or reasonable assumption on anybody's part.

I'm sure it does happen sometimes but it would have been made very clear, upfront, to all concerned (months ago, when the wedding was booked).

As a bridesmaid, my dress was paid for, hair done etc but I sorted out my own post-wedding accommodation and travel. I did stay at the bride's flat the night before - that was the 'wedding party' bridesmaid element.

As a close family member, we've made our own arrangements, sometimes with other family members but all very clear who was paying for what.

I do recall my younger sister (youngest child, though early 30s) being similarly passive about accommodation at a cousin's wedding. Then being astounded that her assumption that someone else (parents or extremely busy bride) would be making arrangements for her, telepathically taking full account of her budget and travel plans, resulted in her being booked into one of the few rooms the bride had reserved for any guests who wanted them, in the very expensive castle / hotel. (Then not liking the room and proclaiming she'd be complaining to the hotel...)

I'd received the same information, understood the need to book our own room (or tell the bride in good time if I wanted one of her reserved ones) and arranged something very affordable and convenient, months ahead. I have long been accustomed to taking responsibility for myself.

Normally it's the father of the bride who pays for most things - certainly did in our case. Father of the bride paid for their dresses and shoes and everything to do with the reception. However all the bridesmaids paid for their own rooms. I have never heard of Bride and Groom paying for anybodys hotel room but themselves. I can't understand why the B&G should be expected to pay for their parents - surely it's the other way around??

Surely if money is tight you should have asked the cost to see if you could afford it. If it was too much you could then have arranged to stay elsewhere or just one night. The problem was you assumed your ds would be paying.

Sorry Lying, can you explain what is 'grim'?

OP questioned whether it was 'normal' for the family to pay for their own rooms and was then quite rude to people who said it was. I pointed out that 'normal' isn't just the family paying for their own rooms but contributing to the wedding also. Others have done the same.

OP has pointed out other things she expected to be paid for despite little or no contribution or help from them. When someone expects a lot and gives nothing in return, that is a 'taker' in my book.

Crystal clear, sparechange, I even bolded it. I think you were out of order. You've posted a lot on this thread and it seems to me that you were enjoying getting a rise out of her. You weren't the only one but you were the most prolific.

Rousette - I didn't mention it until later on, but my cousins did get their (family) rooms paid for. However, this was because their young daughters were bridesmaids, so it wasn't a case of them being favoured over us.

You've selectively bolded to take things out of context, which is quite unfair and actually rather rude if you are then going to use that to accuse me of being 'grim'

I have posted more than once, because the OP has addressed me by name in a number of her posts and I have responded. I can't really see how you are going to suggest there is something abnormal about that?

I included the whole text, sparechange, I just bolded the bits that I thought were uncalled for. I think I've been clear.

lying
So how is it uncalled for to say tradition says parents should pay for the wedding?
I'm not actually saying 'parents should pay for the wedding', am I. So to take it out of context and suggest that is what I've said it out of order.

Yabvu. Who did you think was going to pay for it? Why didn't you ask how much it would be when it was arranged?

Spare change - I'm not sure what sort of context would make it acceptable to describe my family as 'a bunch of takers' - and to continue with this line even once you've been told they have financial problems is inexcusable.

You made no plans whatsoever about how you'd get there or who'd be paying for you and then got pissed off that people had organised it for you (you clearly hadn't made plans) and you would be expected to pay for yourself - as most people would.

Most adults check this out beforehand. You didn't so maybe you will next time. I have no idea why you were 'speechless' about it.

Limon - 'Who did you think was going to pay for it?'

Let's look at the possibilities, shall we? We thought the wedding party's rooms were being paid for. The bride and groom were paying for the wedding. How can we possibly work out the answer to this inscrutable conundrum?

Compton - Where do you get that I hadn't made plans how to get there from? My parents and I had always planned to travel together.

OP, you're attitude throughout the thread has been that you and your parents are owed something by your sister and more specifically by her husband.
"A hotel room for the people who raised the bride and whom she loved with rent free until the age of 27 wasn't going to bankrupt them."

You had no role in the wedding, but had expectations of them picking up bills for you. You think that normal parenting means she owes them money. You have never once mentioned anything about the wedding other what a financial inconvenience it was. You claimed to be 'too shocked to speak' at the suggestion you would have to pay for very reasonable hotel bill.

I'm afraid if you go through life with this sort of attitude, a lot of people are going to think you are a taker.

The wedding has been and gone hasn't it?? So why bring it up...you should of said at the start how much will the room be? And then someone could of said oh don't worry we are paying...or no it's xxxx amount...do you normally just let people arrange stuff for you...perhaps if you had been more enthusiastic with the bride ,this would of come up in conversation.....I bet they were worried about spiralling costs and worried people hadn't paid for the room so near to the wedding

It's always difficult when you post AIBU ,only to find most people think you are....ah well ,suck it up and move on....

Ouch!what a carry on.Because no explicit communication,assumption arose.
I've been to wedding family/ friends and I have paid my own hotel room. Other occasions they paid. Just depends.but the rub is it was made explicit to me what the expectation was. My experience is,that guests do pay own accomodation although not the parents.
I don't think there is an automatic right thing to do it's up to the bride/groom to set the parameters. It's unfortunate you weren't told of expectations,as you say you'd have made alternative arrangements eg got a lift. I'd say onus was on sister to explain her arrangement to you her family.