'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

I can see that you've said many times you had no expectation your room being paid for, but that's rather at odds with the title of your thread (specifically, the but).

They should have told you how much the room cost, but maybe it got lost in the shuffle. You should have just asked your sister.

Witch - I haven't told anyone they can't post, but if they think it's all pointless and I can't possibly be getting anything out of it, why are they?

Have read all the thread. Why so rude at all the people answering your post? If you ask for opinions, seems daft to shout everyone down with personal insults just because you don't like their answers.
Why post if you don't want to hear anything you don't like?!
For what it's worth, I think it's a massive communication problem that's at fault here.
None of you should have presumed that the rooms were paid for. I've been to weddings where the room was paid for, and lots where the rooms haven't.
You shouldn't automatically assume they've been paid for and act all shocked when the bill comes to be paid.
You say your BIL's on loads of money so should be able to afford it, clearly indicating you did expect it all to be paid for as after all, he's got money.
Whether he's got money or not is neither here nor there, you should have communicated beforehand how much the rooms were and if you were paying.
Seeing as you didn't, no point in getting angry about it now, just suck it up and speak up next time!

For what it's worth, I think it's a massive communication problem that's at fault here.

I don't know that it's massive. OP just should have asked.

And 75K a year is not nearly wealthy enough to go justify paying for other people's hotel rooms.

I agree there Apple

I agree the comment about your parents being ‘takers’ was unfair and I understand your being upset about that. But it was only one poster out of many.

It sounds like your parents have been through tough times financially which must have been very hard. My husband’s family have been through the same with business/financial problems (when he was a child) and it has affected him quite a lot.

I wonder if this is at the crux of this all. Your sister not paying for their room at the wedding after all they have done for her.

These are some of the corkers you came up with on the thread:

Pieces of flotsam
What the hell is wrong with you
You are despicable
Frankly you are just a bitch
You're nothing but a troll. Get back under your bridge.

I think those of with younger teens (

It isn't usual for an overnight hotel room to be paid for by the wedding organisers. But it should have been made clearer and you should have asked how much the hotel room was gong to cost before agreeing.

It isn't usual for an overnight hotel room to be paid for by the wedding organisers.

Of course it is. Do you mean for all guests, or the wedding party? The former is vanishingly rare, the latter um... unusual?

paxicillin, I don't think the OP sounds young, conversely. I think she sounds as if she is possibly in her late 30s/40s.

... and I think there's possibly something else going on with the OP beyond anger at this passed event because her irritation is disproportionate.

To my mind, it's a sister/sister problem because why else would you be bringing this up way after the wedding has gone by?

OP, just move on from this and forget it, it honestly isn't worth headspace.

This is just weird now. Enough.

I'm surprised that your sister didn't correct your assumptions. If someone was paying for my room, I'd say an effusive thank you and probably something like "so generous" and would hope that the person would correct me if I'd assumed wrong.

It's one of those AIBU? DEafening YES YABU, then the OP goes crazy, calls everyone bitches and other shit, then demands we stop posting. Uh, no.

What was the point of asking if you were being unreasonable? yes you were, and you have got more and more unreasonable, and disagreeable, since the OP.

I think what has annoyed some is that you presented it as "my sister and BIL did not apply this (nonexistent) convention of paying for the wedding party/close family rooms - AIBU" instead of "My sister is loaded and my family is not, AIBU in thinking she chose a posh venue and should have paid?"

You seem to think that you sister should have paid, for reasons other than you assumed it was the norm for the B&G to do it. You might have got more helpful or sympathetic replies if you had mentioned your sister living at home til she was 27 rent-free then not covering the cost of your mum and dad's room.

You can't just call time on an open forum, as most people disagree with you OP. That in itself is as childish as the post itself along with the spurious name calling on this post. I do hope you find your inner peace though.

Good luck

Surely you can see that people saying I can't get any more out of the thread, yet still commenting (and in many cases saying the same thing over and over) is a nonsense? So yes, enough.

I'd say they are just trying to annoy you now, since you've been so rude to everyone.
You don't get to tell people to stop posting, if they want to they can.

OP, if you want people to stop posting then you need to stop posting yourself. Honestly, this thread will die a death if you're not responding to posts. That's what I would do now.

If you call someone a 'taker', childish, selfish and insult their family, don't be surprised if they bite back. 'So rude'? Believe me, that was nothing to what I'm thinking.

Op did you thank your sister at any point?

Say what you're thinking, if you like. You've been objectionable enough so far, we won't be surprised.

People are only going on what you've said, and if you come across as childish and selfish perhaps you should be wondering why that is?

Davos - Thank her for what?

The Problem with you, my dear OP, is that you assume too much. And you assume wrong one helluva lot.

Nobody made digs at your family. You made that up completely by yourself, based a comment that traditionally the brides parents pay for weddings. You threw a tantrum, and have been throwing your rattles out of the pram ever since.

I gather not only are you very young and disorganized, you are not very well informed. You are probably as angry with your own lack of knowledge and understanding, as you are with your sister and her high earning husband.