'Wedding party' - but pay your own way

[Smurfnoff]

My sister got married recently in a big country house hotel wedding with all the trimmings. Although I didn't have an official 'role' in the day, my mother made a big point of repeatedly telling me that I was part of the official wedding party and would be at the top table.

I was told, rather than being asked, that I'd be travelling with my parents the night before and how lovely it would all be. I didn't argue as I don't drive, so it saved me having to ask anyone else for a lift. I was quite looking forward to it until the night before when, out of the blue, my father said, 'Oh, it's £182 for the hotel - is that alright?'

I was too shocked to speak. All this big talk of being included in the wedding party apparently did not mean being included in the cost. I hadn't budgeted for a hotel, and had I been given the option to, I would have budgeted for ONE night (I could easily have asked my aunt or one of my cousins for a lift).

I wondered had I got this badly wrong. Should I have asked outright in advance? I had wondered, but given I'd been told rather than asked when I was going and where I was staying, with no question of whether I could afford it, I could only think it was because I wasn't the one paying.

I didn't dare mention it to my mother - she had been almost more manic than the bride about the whole thing, and I was predicting tears and 'why are you making a fuss, it's your only sister's wedding!' Etc. However, I did tell my father (who I knew would be more reasonable) about 'my' mistake. He responded, 'Yes, between you and me your mom and I weren't expecting to pay for our room either'.

Now I really was stunned. I could understand them expecting a sibling to pay for themselves - although I still felt it was really badly handled - but my parents had given them tons of practical help with the wedding. Was it really too much to expect their hotel room to be paid for? (Just to be clear, sister and husband are more comfortable financially than parents).

It's not the cost that bothers me so much (although finding 200 quid at short notice was a major pain). It's the fact that my sister didn't tell any of us until it was too late, or ask if we could afford it. I feel like my options were taken away - I could have looked for a cheaper hotel nearby, stayed only one night, asked other single guests if they wanted to share etc.

Was I completely wrong to think my hotel was being paid for? And am I wrong to think my parents SHOULD have been paid for?

Davos - Thank her for what?

Thanked her for paying for your room? When you thought she was covering your room bill, surely you thanked her?

When I was growing up it was traditional for the brides parents to pay for the wedding, down to the wedding dress.

The groom's parents traditionally paid for the flowers

Fair no .. But that is what happened

Should anyone expect their hotel room to be paid for ... No

Now I accept that this tradition doesn't happen very often, but in both cases one should never 'assume' that anyone else is paying for hotel rooms except the occupants.

We paid for our own wedding, which cost an arm and a leg. We stayed in the hotel where we were to be married and the wedding party all paid for themselves and that was at around £300 pn

That said, I dropped everyone an email weeks earlier, confirming their hotel reservation, along with the cost

Gold - 'You sound like a family of takers' was the comment I refer to. How have I 'imagined' that was an insult? I wouldn't be throwing stones around lack of knowledge or understanding if I were you.

Davos - She wasn't giving me a lovely treat; she was expecting me to fall in with her plans. However, I would have thanked her for including me in the wedding party when she didn't have to. I would have done this on the day, which I feel would've been the appropriate time.

So at no point you actually thanked her for paying for your 2 nights?

You would have thanked her in the day for including you in the wedding party? Even though you weren't in the wedding party, but your mum kept insisting you were?

It's the 'norm' to say thank you if someone is paying for something. My dad insisted on paying for a Burger King when we were back and forth from the hospital, when my grandad was dying. He didn't do it to treat me. We needed something quick to eat and he fancied Burger King, I am not that keen. I still said 'thanks'.

No. You should have been thanking her for the supposed hotel cost. That's the point you aren't getting. If you had done this, you would know she wasn't going to be paying. Lots of posters have said this again and again.

And why shouldn't you fall in with your sister's plans... it is her wedding after all. You are sounding really rather mean spirited about it all.

Have they thanked you for their gift yet?

I did fall in with her plans! I can't win.

Davos - As I say, I would have thanked her when I was staying for said two nights. Your whole 'wedding party' comment is you picking holes. You know very well what I thought that meant, even though I thought wrong.

To give a similar example, I recently bought a friend restaurant vouchers for her birthday. Of course she thanked me for the gift, but she made more of it when she actually used them. That seems normal to me.

Yes but it wasn't your sister that told you, you were part of the wedding party. That was your mum.

Which takes me back to the original point. The miscommunication happened due to your parents assumptions.

In your situation, your present was a gift. It was a treat. You say your sister wasn't treating you. So not comparable, surely?

IME as a hotel manager & wedding co-ordinator and guest If the rooms are booked, named and allocated to guests by the B&G then they would be paying, if they book a block of rooms and invite you with the intention that you ring and book your own then you would be paying... It would be usual for the invitation to include accommodation options, if this was not forthcoming and everything was booked for you, then yes you have helped to pay for your sisters wedding!! I would ask more questions in the future and perhaps be more interested in what is going on around you!!

There is no resolution to this OP.

You will not accept that you should have thanked,/enquired how much/asked details from your sister so what's the point in posting. Your friend thanked you for the restaurant vouchers. YOu didn't thank your sister for what you expected/hoped to be paid for with hotel. You thought she was giving you a lovely treat. You didn't know though.

You ask AIBU. Posters say YABU. You say YANBU. . End of story.

I'm getting married on Saturday. We've got enough space here for my mum and dad and sister and family to stay in our house Friday and Saturday night so they are. Not sure what I'd have done if I was getting married away from home - I would probably have assumed that they would have paid for their own hotels although I would have made sure people knew in advance.

To give a similar example, I recently bought a friend restaurant vouchers for her birthday. Of course she thanked me for the gift, but she made more of it when she actually used them. That seems normal to me.

Surely by your own analogy, if you hadn't actually intended to pay for your friend's meal but were just inviting her to the restaurant to eat with you, her thanking you at the time of handing over the invite would have given you the chance to say, 'Hang on, I'm not paying, you are!' Instead of which, you said nothing when presented with the invitation/hotel room proposition, and could have avoided all this confusion.

Rousette - in that case there's no point in you posting either.

Am I the only one who read the title and thought this was going to be a complaint about a bring a bottle type party?

OP as a PP said, £90 a night isn't expensive for a country house hotel. It is likely that you got a discount, because it was your sisters wedding.

Am also surprised if you work in London, that you think £75k is a high salary

Buttered

I did!!!! I thought this would be about having an invoice for the meal or something 😝

Rousette - in that case there's no point in you posting either

Nice!

Wow. I would never expect my close family to pay for expenses. And if I couldn't afford to cover the cost I wouldn't have it somewhere others couldn't afford either.

The fact she just expected you to pay and not say this before hand is very ill mannered. If I was doing this I would have made sure in advance this was ok. Not fair at all.

I would not expect my room to be paid for - why would the bride pay for that? I would expect to be asked if I wanted a room booking at £xxx cost or if I wanted to make my own arrangements. I can't conceive of not sorting this all out some time before the wedding

I must be from a different generation....
When I was bridesmaid for my college friend her parents paid for my train fare, the hairdresser and the dress - and I stayed at their home. They even paid my fare to go for a dress fitting! But I was a peniless student at the time.
These days I believe that "he who pays the piper calls the tune "- which means that if I am invited to a wedding I will make my own arrangements to suit my budget - if the B&G have a "deal" with a hotel they should inform the guests in writing as soon as they confirm their attendance that they can have a room for £XX pounds for one or two nights....and that they need to make their choice clear X weeks before the date, but it would be polite to also include a link or information about alternative accomodation. They don't know what other financial obligations their guests will have.
I have been invited to a family event later on in the year and the person issuing the invitations put on the card "this invitation includes an overnight stay in XXXX hotel" at my expense.
Why is it that weddings have become such expensive extravaganzas to the extent that people's first thought on receiving an invitation is "How much is it going to cost me? Hotel? Clothes? Present? Stag / hen do?"

2 things here. Firstly I would never expect my accommodation to be paid for by someone else. But secondly,they should have given you a bit more notice that you were expected to cough up,rather than expecting you to find nearly£200 at a moment's notice.

My brother got married in Belgium. He didn't pay for our hotel or transport. He then had a church blessing a week later in the UK, ditto. We were happy to be there, although we all wore the same outfits twice! We didn't expect him to pay as cost of wedding was bad enough. In the UK tradition, the bride's parents would usually pay for the wedding so they got off lightly if they only had to pay for a room. When my SIL got married, we were told a room had been reserved for us and we opted to stay elsewhere with a polite no thanks. It was a special rate but still too much for us. It didn't affect the day and my DD was still bridesmaid.

Does no one get married in their parish church anymore, all this spending a fortune to stop in huge fancy hotels bloody madness

Not everyone wants a religious wedding.

Having read the whole thread, I have to say that I can see a situation where it could be ambiguous as to who has booked and paid for wedding accommodation for a family wedding. However, if the OP is over 18, I would expect she should have somehow checked about price even if she expected the answer to be it is covered. We have been to lots of parties/events where the host pays for everything though, so I can see where the issue could arise.

My FIL frequently used to invite me and my husband for dinner when we were younger, just started living in London and he was there for work. He usually paid and it was usually my assumption he would pay. It didn't stop me offering to pick up the bill / split the bill every time though.