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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip club

280 replies

MJ14 · 23/07/2016 18:33

My hubby is going on his mates stag weekend away, I know the groom plans to take the group in a strip club and I've told my DH that I'm not ok with this at all and he keeps telling me I'm being silly and he can't say no when everyone else is going.
AIBU to ask him not to? He doesn't drink much anyway so it's not unreasonable for him to leave the group to it.

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 26/07/2016 14:09

Like people have said there are two types of strip clubs. God awful one's where women are horrendously exploited and ones like I worked in where we were treated and paid well and if there was even a whiff of you offering anything more than a strip you'd be out on your arse, or a punter even though about touching you they were out on theirs. Please don't assume all strippers are exploited.

AnyFucker · 26/07/2016 17:08

Spotty, did you think that the people who object to strip clubs think the women there are less intelligent than other women ? I have certainly made no judgement at all about the women who work in them, and never have.

I certainly think that the men that use them have less emotional intelligence than men that don't. Along with less respect for women, less strength of character, less ability to not cave under peer pressure, yadda yadda. I could go on.

And the women who use them are handmaidens. IMO.

VestalVirgin · 26/07/2016 17:43

Spotty, did you think that the people who object to strip clubs think the women there are less intelligent than other women ? I have certainly made no judgement at all about the women who work in them, and never have.

Yeah, I don't get how anyone would get that idea.
One has to earn money. I get that. I wouldn't judge a woman for the way she earns money, even if it is by selling a kidney.

However, I do judge men who think that exploiting women is an appropriate pastime.

I wonder if those so firmly against their DH attending any strip club on a stag do that they would LTB (even on the basis that the visit was like MaQueen suggests) are as puritanical when it comes to stuff like Game of Thrones or even Poldark! Are they similar red flags, and if not, why not?! Both use sexual imagery as part of their attraction.

I do hope the actresses in Game of Throne ran ZERO risk of being inappropriately touched by males. Unlike in a strip club.
They are also actresses, who could have taken other jobs (I hope) if they didn't want to strip for the camera.
For a different series I might say that the women in it, who might be naked at one point in the narrative, are not treated as objects because the viewer will be forced to see them as people by way of good storytelling.

However, I think GoT it is vile misogynist shit, probably does portray women as objects, and I and would therefore be rather suspicious of any man who is a fan.

I don't even want to know what that other thing you mentioned is. I am happy to not know about it.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/07/2016 17:53

Poldark, Vestal is a BBC costume drama where the very handsome Aidan Turner occasionally takes his shirt off. It bears no comparison to a strip club.

Leaspr · 26/07/2016 18:00

YABU. However if that is how you feel then DH should take your feelings in to consideration. It isn't a big deal to me. They can't touch and they guys will probably just feel awkward in front of each other anyway! It's a 'traditional' stag night and I think they are going for a laugh rather than to get any sexual gratification from it.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/07/2016 18:05

Lessor, careful now, you are straying into 'Cool Wife' territory, the ultimate MN slur.

MaQueen · 26/07/2016 18:09

I would love to be a cool wife. Well, I'd be happy to be a cool anything to be honest...but I have been informed by my DDs that this simply isn't possible [sigh]

RestlessTraveller · 26/07/2016 18:09

I'm really offended at being called a handmaiden. You have never met me, you don't know anything about my personality, morals or beliefs and yet you see fit to judge.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/07/2016 18:11

Where does the 'handmaiden' slur come from? Is it above or below 'cool wife' in the MN pecking order of insults?

VestalVirgin · 26/07/2016 18:13

@Lass: Ah. Shirtless men are a rather common sight. I saw one today - would rather not have, because he definitely was not Aidan Turner, but what can you do? I am quite sure it is even legal in Germany. For men, that is.

Definitely not comparable to a strip club.

It's a 'traditional' stag night and I think they are going for a laugh rather than to get any sexual gratification from it.

I don't care whether they get any sexual gratification for it. Exploiting women for laughs isn't better.

Also, there's much better things one can do for laughs, if laughs (and not misogyny) is what one is truly after.

VestalVirgin · 26/07/2016 18:14

Where does the 'handmaiden' slur come from? Is it above or below 'cool wife' in the MN pecking order of insults?

I always suspected it comes from the Margaret Atwood book, "The Handmaid's Tale" or what it is called, but I might be wrong - after all, the protagonist is forced into this position.

Hope someone here knows the origin!

MaQueen · 26/07/2016 18:43

I would pay good money to watch Aidan Turner strip...[totally misses point of thread]

Flashbangandgone · 26/07/2016 18:48

VestalVirgin

would rather not have, because he definitely was not Aidan Turner, but what can you do?

For a female equivalent of Aidan Turner, I don't think you'd let someone get away with a similar lustful reply about her topless body!.... Which in reputable strip clubs is all you see anyway I believe - so little difference,but you imply one is fine, the other abject misogyny.

Ps I'm not talking about sleazy ones where touching is allowed and that are essentially prostitution fronts.

AnyFucker · 26/07/2016 18:49

We don't need men to continue defining women as the sex class. We have some women who do their dirty work for them.

VestalVirgin · 26/07/2016 19:01

Flash I was not being lustful, I was "bodyshaming". I didn't say I particularly want to see Aidan Turner naked, it's just that it would probably more aesthetic.
I'd prefer it if men just wore shirts in public, same as anyone else.

The reason why I am "getting away" with it is because society in general considers male toplessness acceptable, while girls not only have to wear tops, no, they are also totally obliged to wear constricting, uncomfortable garments to change the shape of their breasts into one more acceptable to the male gaze. (See the "My daughter wears no bra" thread, if you don't believe me)

We don't need men to continue defining women as the sex class. We have some women who do their dirty work for them.

We have, but then, I do not think this dirty work needs doing. Why not just quit doing it?

AnyFucker · 26/07/2016 19:03

But that would mean no sex industry, VV

What would the punters do for a "laugh" then ? Shock

Natsku · 26/07/2016 19:10

I do think its a bit unreasonable to say he can't go. No private dances is a fair enough but unfair to make him miss out on part of the stag night.

I have a friend who worked as a stripper for a while - not all do it because they have no other options, or because they were forced into it. My friend is still very passionate about rights and protections for women working in that trade (the club she worked in was very strict on the punters not touching the women - I went to visit it once at her invitation and saw how the bouncers reacted to even the slightest bit of 'off' behaviour) and I think supporting that does a lot more for women in the trade than condemning it does.

AnyFucker · 26/07/2016 19:12

I condemn the punters. What part of that clear and unambiguous statement are people not getting ?

SarcasmMode · 26/07/2016 19:14

It's not unreasonable to ask him but I doubt he'll even deviate to be honest to 'save face' with his friends.

TBH it takes a certain type of bloke to have enough balls to say 'no' in these situations.

Personally I think it's disrespectful to women and I'm no straw feminist, as I'd feel the same about paying a bloke to be ogled, but maybe I'm a prudish 26 year old, there are some!

It's up to you how much it bothers you.

AnyFucker · 26/07/2016 19:17

There is nothing prudish about having a problem with the objectification of women.

Who told you that it was ?

Iloveowls2 · 26/07/2016 19:38

I never really understand the issue with blokes going to strip clubs. I've been to a male one and it was a laugh. DH been to several stag dos that involve strip
Clubs I can't get excited about it tbh

Subatomickitten · 26/07/2016 19:50

I don't think it takes a certain type of bloke at all Sarcasm, these guys seem happy enough to dish out the "no, I'm doing this" at home but not with their pals...some interesting non logic there.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/07/2016 20:25

Personally I would have nothing but contempt for any man who got his jollies watching a (probably vulnerable) young woman take her kit off for money.

Two kinds of strip club indeed. Do you people live in the real world?

RestlessTraveller · 26/07/2016 20:34

I do live in the real world. I have stripped in one kind of club and know that the other exists.

Flashbangandgone · 26/07/2016 20:35

Two kinds of strip club indeed. Do you people live in the real world?

Err, yes... Haven't you read the comments on this thread? Don't you believe some posters when they've said they've worked in clubs without any coercion or physical contact? I am not saying any strip clubs are virtuous environments that I would want to promote but I just don't understand why some posters are so tunnel-visioned that everything have to be so black and white, to the point that even questioning it brings such a strident response!