To want dp to return to work part time when we could cope on my salary alone

[Nanunanu]

Background. We are a same sex couple. Together 15 years. We have our first ds who is 9 months old. We have very disparate earnings. I am second parent and dp took maternity leave.

We are now looking at time for dp to return to work. Dp works in my offices as I found her a job. She was unemployed for 6 months and not looking that hard (had signed up for two agencies but not chasing it). I didn't push her looking as she was unemployed because we had moved for my work and my pay rise meant we could afford it. But then a job came up at my place. I put her name forward and she got it. So it is not fair to say I got her the job, just facilitated it.

She does not enjoy the job. But not enough to have even looked for another let alone applied elsewhere.

I work 4 long days a week. She used to work 5. Plan was for her to return to work 2 days part time one day covered by me. The other by my mum and dad. I was really looking forward to one day a week just me and ds.

She doesn't want to go back to work. Makes a sop towards it. But whenever anyone asks about it she says 'oh it's not decided yet' or 'I've got to talk to my manager'.

We talked through my reasons for wanting her to return to work. It gives her independent money. It is a fallback should I die. It reduces pressure on me from being the only earner. I want that day being a 'real mum.' It will be easier to go now and increase hours as ds goes to school than it will to find a brand new job in 4 years. Especially if she shows the same lack of interest in looking for a job then as before. But they are all quite selfish reasons I recognise. Some of it is the feminist in me wanting ds to see working parents. Some of it is jealousy that she has had this time with ds. And no matter how hard I try I am a second parent. Not the real deal.

I do my best to share chores and childcare. Ds is breast fed. So bulk of night feeds etc fell her way. And ds is reliant on breast or sling to sleep. So I have cooked every dinner for the past 9 months except two. One tonight and one last month when I knew we had no food and brought home chips. D'oh! I even cook from scratch after I get home at 9 pm and have to be at work for 8 the next morning. A meal plan has meant she at least, mostly, lifts stuff out of freezer if I ask her to now.

I do not do enough of the washing
I accept that. I share cleaning bathrooms. I do most of it she does some. I do cat litter and picking up dog poo from garden. We have an erratic gardener to mow lawns. I do it on weeks he hasn't come due to rain. Bin is emptied by whoever wants to put more in it when it is full. She feeds pets in morning. I do in evening. She does 90%of hoovering. I do not tidy up well enough after cooking and am trying to improve. I do bath and stories 3 or 4 nights a week.

Aibu to want her to return to work part time after 1 year mat leave 6m unpaid and only family income being my salary. No child benefit as I earn just over the threshold.

There are other bits that make me think I'm jealous. We went to doctors last week with ds and dr asked who was in the room. Dp said [ds] and I'm[x] his mum. And this is nanunanu his sort of mum too.

That sort of mum phrase really cut to the bone. And I'm sure she didn't mean it how I took it. But oh it hurt so so much.

There is, obviously, lots of layers. Nothing is as simple as 'aibu to want dp to work 2 days a week when we could afford (with a bit of belt tightening) for her never to work again'. There's a whole lot of emotion with it.

And I know she feels hard done by because night wakening are still entirely hers to do. I sleep through. I could do more around the house. And she has said before that she is 'fed up of being the bad guy' when I have told her other things she has said that I find hurtful but expresses her unhappiness like talking about baby number 2 and if I try to carry this time she said 'do you think you could do it? Not getting pregnant I mean all the rest of it....' I said that was mean. I'm trying my hardest. She said she didn't mean it like that. I said well how do you mean it. She said 'oh I don't know. I'm fed up of always being the bad guy. Having to watch what I say because you'll take it wrong'. So I've not mentioned the 'sort of mum too' comment from last week because it upsets me too much.

Aaargh. Sorry this post is so long. Just trying to avoid drip feeding.

I haven't read the full thread but i was a SAHM and loved it. I probably thought I was the expert too, as I was at home. I don't think DH minded much though; you obviously do.

I did all the cooking and most of the housework. I saw that as my role as I had the time to do it as DP worked long hours like you do . I know not everyone agrees with that but well done for you doing what sounds like 50%.

I think she has it cushy. She wants her cake and eat it too. She's making all the rules. DS is getting older now and you can take a more active role and she can do more housework. You need to sit down and both of you will need to compromise. Pre dc you agreed 3 days back to work, you've compromised on two. She needs to let you take over more and recognise you need 1:1 time with him. He is both your child. She is acting as if he is all hers. The doctors situation will crop up all the time as he gets older. You need to agree on how you answer it.

You seem to be tiptoeing about, with her calling all the shots. You don't want to rock the boat as you are afraid of her leaving but you need to agree ground rules now or accept the situation as it is without moaning.

I do think you are getting the short end of the stick.

nanunanu you aren't being unreasonable at all, he is your son too and her moving the goalposts now he's here is unfair on you.
I think you need to toughen up a bit as it sounds like you are accepting a lot of blame for her feelings when you shouldn't.
Of course she can feed/co sleep and work. Lots of us do it. If the sleep deprivation is getting to her then you both need a plan if how you can help deal with it.
I think you should go down to 4 dpw (sorry I am not clear if you already are) and tell her you are doing something with ds on that day. Maybe book a baby swimming class or something.
I also agree that counselling sounds a good idea.
But don't feel that wanting to build a good relationship with your DS is a bad thing. Of course it isn't.
for you

OK then. Can we compromise so that we are both happy. Her being this miserable (due to see manager this week) is really making me miserable as tension at home is hideous. I cleaned the bathroom before work I was that stressed!

I am worrying over what ifs. What if we split. What if I lose my job. What if we can't have another.

But I can't let my life be ruled by what ifs. If I insist she returns to a job she dislikes she will resent me. This will tarnish any gain I might have of time with ds.

I do not hate my job. I have worked very very hard to get it and at 30 reached pretty much my top earning potential. I manage a company with 1.5million pound turn over. And do good things for the community.

If she wants to focus on bringing up my son to give her life focus and meaning I should facilitate that. Putting my foot down about work will not make our relationship any better it only spreads the bitterness. And there are better ways of reducing my own bitterness.

Her returning to work will not make her stop nagging me about the way I parent. Or the way I clean. Or the way I snore. Or the fact that we do not have as nice a house as our friends. Those things need to be tackled separately.

And me saying she must work (or expressing a the things I did in my op) just means when I try to discuss it with her, she shuts down and says you don't want to listen to what I have to say.

Oh and she didn't mean 'sort of parent' like that. She was just flustered.

If we split I will lose everything no matter what. So why not try to make her happy now. Her 2 day a week income would only be 7k. We can cope without that.

And then at 5 we can reassess. Why worry about how hard it will be to find another job. If she never worked again we could cope. It is not something I could do myself but then if I won the lottery I would want to work one day a week at least.!

Nanunanu

I'm a Sahm with two kids, I'm 3.5 years into being a Sahm and although I love my kids dearly I am going to be working soon and I'm looking forward to it.

With some Sahms there comes a point when the thought of having a job is a good thing. I'm sick to the back teeth of depending on my OH for everything so me and him together have come up with a way of me working from home while learning new skills.

I'm just wondering if you or she are in. A position to work from home at least some of the working week, would this benefit you in anyway? BTW I think she would be crazy to give up a job because the baby won't be a baby forever and she might want that job later on. A year ago. I'd have done anything to get a job that I could try and work around my children's care but I don't have help from grandparents etc as we live so far away.

'forcing' another adult to work 2 or 3 days a week is not much of an ask, and if it spreads bitterness, you're dealing with someone pretty immature all around. my worry would be: you do all the earning, if she's not working, she's very well positioned to demand you get DS the absolute minimum. If she's working 3 days a week and you're working 4 days a week, you'd be better placed to get more custody. It's cynical to think like that, but I would never put myself in a position where I'd end up getting only weekend custody so I could pay for someone to SAH. If she wants a bigger house, she can get a better job to help pay for it - it's not responsible grown up behaviour to think she can nag you for it.

Nanu – it sounds like you’ve decided just to give up on what you want and do what your partner says. I can understand why you’re feeling this way but I really don’t think it’s a good idea. It won’t make you happy and you won’t be able to do it long-term, you’ll just end up resenting her more and more. It is your job to “facilitate” giving her life “focus and meaning” – a normal partnership involves both people being happy and both people sometimes compromising for the other. There is no point in agreeing to “revisit” when the baby is 5 – she’s already shown that the previous agreements and discussions you had aren’t something she cares about so why would this agreement be any different.

I do agree, though, that her going back to work isn’t actually the big issue on its own – it’s about you getting to be a parent too and not constantly pushed out/demeaned. You need to be more forceful, not less.

I'm sorry about the unnecessary full stops in my post, sometimes my phone does it automatically and I've got chunky fingers and I didn't read over what I had typed.

Oh OP.

Your last post has made me feel sad for you. Worth thinking about counselling alone, if it's not yet possible to go together (and fwiw I am really sorry you had such a crap experience with the mandatory pre-conception one)?

I am perhaps over-projecting as your resolve sounds a lot like one I made in a (childless) previous relationship: I can compromise, I can clean more and more, arguing just makes everything worse anyway etc etc.

I think you're right to not live your life dictated by the what-ifs. And I think you're right to recognise that forcing the issue re work won't necessarily resolve the things you want resolved. But your compromise sounds an awful lot like giving up on the things you do want and need - a deeper relationship with your child, reassurance that your partner and you are equals in family life.

I had a lovely girlfriend when I first got pregnant: she was totally supportive of my plans, and offered me pretty much whatever I wanted - she would have willingly lived with us, contributed financially, cooked and cleaned for us, but never pretended to be the other parent of my child; she would have provided childcare to give me a break, but never have interfered if I wanted to keep her out. It was too generous really - I could never have accepted it, and it's part of why and how we split up during my pregnancy. But that's the role it sounds like you're playing, to be completely honest - and you didn't sign up for that at all, you are his mother.

im not sure counselling is optimal - a pp mentioned her DH crying with other father friends and that sounds brilliant, exactly what you might need. Do you have any friends in a similar position who you could talk privately with? I'm really suggesting counselling as I don't think there is a 'non birth mothers' support group', but I wish there was.

i don't buy that you're screwed either way, you're considerably more screwed vis a vis time with your DC if your OH becomes a SAHP. I don't really understand why you accept the backtracking on the reasonable, sensible deal you had ironed out before you had DS. This deal seems worse for HIM really too. He's got an unhappy mum who wants to SAH just because she cba to do a job 2 or 3 days a week and let the other P or GP in.

i don't buy that you're screwed either way, you're considerably more screwed vis a vis time with your DC if your OH becomes a SAHP.

Agreed. To be honest, if you split up and had access, even if it was only EOW and a day in the week, you'd get more time with your DS than you do now and without your DP undermining your parenting the whole time...

No I'd have more time alone with him. But I would miss out on actually raising him. Being there when he bangs his head when he links the dogs toys. When he learns his first word. When he is unwell and needs antibiotics when he needs rocking to sleep yet again because he is teething and it hurts and he can't make sense of it.

When he laughs at the dog. When he laughs at me crawl chasing him over the floor. When he swims with me and sits there in his pool noodle with an expression of wtf?! When I bathe him and he splashes me. When I hold his hands to take steps. When he ears his blueberries and asks for so many more that his tongue turns blue. When I read him his story and he pulls down the flaps looking for fox's socks for the 3rd time that week. When he wakes at night shuffles lifts his head and sighs before grabbing hold of my elbow. When he wakes me at 5.30 to bird song and the very weird sensation of my hairs being pulled off my head one by one.

All of that is worth any disparity in income. Any disparity in chores. Any bitterness. Any feeling that I am paying for someone else to live a life I want. Cos I don't want it really. I want to be a working mum. I am very blessed in the work that I do.

And I don't want to split. I want my wife back. The one who laughed at my jokes. The one who talked to me about the future and the past. The one that renovated a Welsh dresser with me. The one who painted our bathroom an awful blue when we thought it was grey. The one who came to get me when I rolled my car through a hedge. The one who cried with me when we saw ds' heart beat for the first time at 7 weeks. The one who loved me as I love her. The one who 15 years on i still fancy as much as the day I first saw her. The one I wanted to raise a family with. The one I wanted to grow old with. The one I love.

I think if you agree to your dp not returning to work then there has to be an agreement that there is a more equal divide of leisure time AND that you get more one on one time with your DS.

DH used to walk in the door and take over looking after the DC whilst I cooked and tidied etc. this way he built a bond.

Please ensure that there is compromise it is not your job to do everything your partner doesn't want to... it's also unkind that your dp won't give you space with your DS.

If we split I will lose everything no matter what. So why not try to make her happy now. Her 2 day a week income would only be 7k. We can cope without that.

Sounds like you habve given up believing that YOU deserve to be happy. You matter in this as well, remember that.

She doesn;t live in as nice a house as her friends? Sorry but she sounds absolutly horrific. Does she have any redeeming featurs - cos it just seems like she is a lazy immature moo who is using you for a meal ticket.

And I don't want to split. I want my wife back

Say this to her.

OP you are obviously full of love for your family. You will fight to keep it together. But I (and I suspect others on this thread) worry that you are compromising too much, that the imbalance is unhealthy long term and that you might live to regret not trying to address the issues now.

For instance, if life pans out as per your most recent posts, it makes sense for your DP to bear future children rather than you carrying them. Is that OK with you?

I'm sorry, but your wife has changed because she's had a child. Many of us find that we are not the same person as we were before. That was the risk you both ran when you decided to have a baby and that she woudl bear it .

You need to love who who she is now and not try to turn back the clock . I think TBH that thsi is what it's all about .

You want her to go back to work to make everything the way it used to be between you. That's can't ever happen .

You love your job and earn good money . She hates her job and earns very little .

You only work 4 days a week ATM. You don't want to cut your hours, you want her out of the way so that you can live out your vision of being Mama.

You don't need or want the extra money, do you?

But even if you do spend one day a week with him, your relathionship with your son it will never be Identical to hers. It might be just as good but in a different way . You didn't give birth to him and you can't Bf him. That was the choice of both of you , now you're have some regrets about the consequences of that decision and you need to stop taking it out on your DW.

It's hard for same sex couples. We have a social role called ' father" than most men manage to negotiate , but we don't have a clear idea of what being a second mother entails.

You want your DE to work but you don't want to do any more of the chores. I think you have this fantasy of what being a SAHP is , if you did it FT you woudl find there is a lot of drudgery .

I don't think you are jealous of her, I think you are angry and resentful towards her. Which is ok - feelings aren't right or wrong m they just are.

It's how you act on these decisions that is right or wrong , wise or foolish .

What you outline above isn't a compromise.

I think she needs to give a little too. What has changed for her since you made the initial back to work agreement? Does she feel what you have now is fair and sustainable? Do you, truly?

"I want my wife back. The one who laughed at my jokes..."

OP, she will come back. She will, she will. Lots of good advice here but I do think that a bit more time will also really help. 9 months was killer for us.

I alluded to it in my last post but didn't expand as it's controversial. But it was around this time that I cracked and did some sleep training. It worked overnight and thereafter my fussy, breastfed, co-sleeping, frequently night-waking baby slept from 7pm til 7am in a separate room. And we got our lives back, and my personality returned.

So she gets to be the nagging wife while youre the stressed husband? Except for when you get home, then you get to do all the housewife work as well.....

Sorry if you've addressed this already, but if she didn't go back to work, would you still work 4 days? If so, could you have your day with ds as a regular thing but take him out somewhere and dp can crack on with the housework, or you stay home with him and she gets to go out by herself? If she does become a SAHM she might be glad for the break from your child.

You know it has to be a decision you make together. If you do decide that she will SAH, she needs to be doing the vast majority of the housework. You would be working hard as a working mother to provide for your family, and she needs to work hard at home to enable you to do that.

The "sort of mum" comment was awful, it's clear that everything is not hunky-dory. I agree with PPs that your problems are deeper than her not wanting to go back to work, it seems like on some level she doesn't think of you as being your ds's mum in the same way that she is.

i agree the thing that bothers me is the inequality of your relationship - where are her compromises? You seem to be over a barrel where you'll accept anything. Anyway, you know what I think, and I appreciate that you're desperate to be let in, what a horribly hard situation. I do think 8-9 months was a low point for us and we sleep trained and wound down bf after that which helped.

It's not the returning to work, is it?

More that you don't get the chance to parent?

I thought that it was the done thing to "hand over" the kids to the other parent who hasn't seen them all day?

If she wants the house to look as good as friend's houses then 7k a year would do it. As an adult and a parent you sometimes have to just suck it up and get on with it. Her happiness does not and should not be the only priorty. She doesn't seem to even acknowledge your feelings.
If she doesn't like her job she can get a different one or maybe work from home as suggested. 2 days a week and she is complaining?
You might not need that money now but it is a massive bonus to have/save.

OP you sound utterly miserable and for what it's worth I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

When I was off on mat leave and my DH was working full time I did all the chores, shopping etc. Now I am working and he is home he does it all.

While I'm not saying you shouldn't help, your DP should absolutely be doing he majority of things around the house and shouldn't need asked.

It's also not unreasonable for you to expect her to go back to work. You are not asking her to do full time just give you some one on one time with your child which she is clearly getting.

You said she is due back to work in 8 weeks (think I picked that up right)? You might find that she should have already started the ball rolling for flexible working - it's not always the quickest process to go through.

Good luck with it all and I hope you both find happiness again soon