Background. We are a same sex couple. Together 15 years. We have our first ds who is 9 months old. We have very disparate earnings. I am second parent and dp took maternity leave.
We are now looking at time for dp to return to work. Dp works in my offices as I found her a job. She was unemployed for 6 months and not looking that hard (had signed up for two agencies but not chasing it). I didn't push her looking as she was unemployed because we had moved for my work and my pay rise meant we could afford it. But then a job came up at my place. I put her name forward and she got it. So it is not fair to say I got her the job, just facilitated it.
She does not enjoy the job. But not enough to have even looked for another let alone applied elsewhere.
I work 4 long days a week. She used to work 5. Plan was for her to return to work 2 days part time one day covered by me. The other by my mum and dad. I was really looking forward to one day a week just me and ds.
She doesn't want to go back to work. Makes a sop towards it. But whenever anyone asks about it she says 'oh it's not decided yet' or 'I've got to talk to my manager'.
We talked through my reasons for wanting her to return to work. It gives her independent money. It is a fallback should I die. It reduces pressure on me from being the only earner. I want that day being a 'real mum.' It will be easier to go now and increase hours as ds goes to school than it will to find a brand new job in 4 years. Especially if she shows the same lack of interest in looking for a job then as before. But they are all quite selfish reasons I recognise. Some of it is the feminist in me wanting ds to see working parents. Some of it is jealousy that she has had this time with ds. And no matter how hard I try I am a second parent. Not the real deal.
I do my best to share chores and childcare. Ds is breast fed. So bulk of night feeds etc fell her way. And ds is reliant on breast or sling to sleep. So I have cooked every dinner for the past 9 months except two. One tonight and one last month when I knew we had no food and brought home chips. D'oh! I even cook from scratch after I get home at 9 pm and have to be at work for 8 the next morning. A meal plan has meant she at least, mostly, lifts stuff out of freezer if I ask her to now.
I do not do enough of the washing
I accept that. I share cleaning bathrooms. I do most of it she does some. I do cat litter and picking up dog poo from garden. We have an erratic gardener to mow lawns. I do it on weeks he hasn't come due to rain. Bin is emptied by whoever wants to put more in it when it is full. She feeds pets in morning. I do in evening. She does 90%of hoovering. I do not tidy up well enough after cooking and am trying to improve. I do bath and stories 3 or 4 nights a week.
Aibu to want her to return to work part time after 1 year mat leave 6m unpaid and only family income being my salary. No child benefit as I earn just over the threshold.
There are other bits that make me think I'm jealous. We went to doctors last week with ds and dr asked who was in the room. Dp said [ds] and I'm[x] his mum. And this is nanunanu his sort of mum too.
That sort of mum phrase really cut to the bone. And I'm sure she didn't mean it how I took it. But oh it hurt so so much.
There is, obviously, lots of layers. Nothing is as simple as 'aibu to want dp to work 2 days a week when we could afford (with a bit of belt tightening) for her never to work again'. There's a whole lot of emotion with it.
And I know she feels hard done by because night wakening are still entirely hers to do. I sleep through. I could do more around the house. And she has said before that she is 'fed up of being the bad guy' when I have told her other things she has said that I find hurtful but expresses her unhappiness like talking about baby number 2 and if I try to carry this time she said 'do you think you could do it? Not getting pregnant I mean all the rest of it....' I said that was mean. I'm trying my hardest. She said she didn't mean it like that. I said well how do you mean it. She said 'oh I don't know. I'm fed up of always being the bad guy. Having to watch what I say because you'll take it wrong'. So I've not mentioned the 'sort of mum too' comment from last week because it upsets me too much.
Aaargh. Sorry this post is so long. Just trying to avoid drip feeding.