To want dp to return to work part time when we could cope on my salary alone

[Nanunanu]

Background. We are a same sex couple. Together 15 years. We have our first ds who is 9 months old. We have very disparate earnings. I am second parent and dp took maternity leave.

We are now looking at time for dp to return to work. Dp works in my offices as I found her a job. She was unemployed for 6 months and not looking that hard (had signed up for two agencies but not chasing it). I didn't push her looking as she was unemployed because we had moved for my work and my pay rise meant we could afford it. But then a job came up at my place. I put her name forward and she got it. So it is not fair to say I got her the job, just facilitated it.

She does not enjoy the job. But not enough to have even looked for another let alone applied elsewhere.

I work 4 long days a week. She used to work 5. Plan was for her to return to work 2 days part time one day covered by me. The other by my mum and dad. I was really looking forward to one day a week just me and ds.

She doesn't want to go back to work. Makes a sop towards it. But whenever anyone asks about it she says 'oh it's not decided yet' or 'I've got to talk to my manager'.

We talked through my reasons for wanting her to return to work. It gives her independent money. It is a fallback should I die. It reduces pressure on me from being the only earner. I want that day being a 'real mum.' It will be easier to go now and increase hours as ds goes to school than it will to find a brand new job in 4 years. Especially if she shows the same lack of interest in looking for a job then as before. But they are all quite selfish reasons I recognise. Some of it is the feminist in me wanting ds to see working parents. Some of it is jealousy that she has had this time with ds. And no matter how hard I try I am a second parent. Not the real deal.

I do my best to share chores and childcare. Ds is breast fed. So bulk of night feeds etc fell her way. And ds is reliant on breast or sling to sleep. So I have cooked every dinner for the past 9 months except two. One tonight and one last month when I knew we had no food and brought home chips. D'oh! I even cook from scratch after I get home at 9 pm and have to be at work for 8 the next morning. A meal plan has meant she at least, mostly, lifts stuff out of freezer if I ask her to now.

I do not do enough of the washing
I accept that. I share cleaning bathrooms. I do most of it she does some. I do cat litter and picking up dog poo from garden. We have an erratic gardener to mow lawns. I do it on weeks he hasn't come due to rain. Bin is emptied by whoever wants to put more in it when it is full. She feeds pets in morning. I do in evening. She does 90%of hoovering. I do not tidy up well enough after cooking and am trying to improve. I do bath and stories 3 or 4 nights a week.

Aibu to want her to return to work part time after 1 year mat leave 6m unpaid and only family income being my salary. No child benefit as I earn just over the threshold.

There are other bits that make me think I'm jealous. We went to doctors last week with ds and dr asked who was in the room. Dp said [ds] and I'm[x] his mum. And this is nanunanu his sort of mum too.

That sort of mum phrase really cut to the bone. And I'm sure she didn't mean it how I took it. But oh it hurt so so much.

There is, obviously, lots of layers. Nothing is as simple as 'aibu to want dp to work 2 days a week when we could afford (with a bit of belt tightening) for her never to work again'. There's a whole lot of emotion with it.

And I know she feels hard done by because night wakening are still entirely hers to do. I sleep through. I could do more around the house. And she has said before that she is 'fed up of being the bad guy' when I have told her other things she has said that I find hurtful but expresses her unhappiness like talking about baby number 2 and if I try to carry this time she said 'do you think you could do it? Not getting pregnant I mean all the rest of it....' I said that was mean. I'm trying my hardest. She said she didn't mean it like that. I said well how do you mean it. She said 'oh I don't know. I'm fed up of always being the bad guy. Having to watch what I say because you'll take it wrong'. So I've not mentioned the 'sort of mum too' comment from last week because it upsets me too much.

Aaargh. Sorry this post is so long. Just trying to avoid drip feeding.

Having small dc is just a minefield - I'd say after both dc things got decidedly rocky for a while, the first year is so hard and 8-9 months was our lowest point with both as you're so tired, you think things ought to be settled but they aren't. Life got much better when we talked more, aired our various resentments honestly and remembered we love each other - and the babies started sleeping better!

In my experience, I think even if your baby goes straight back to sleep, waking up in the night to feed him will be taking quite a toll on your partner.
She is probably only just feeling more normal after the birth, but very tired if she has interrupted sleep. It is likely she feels a constant sort of jet lag when that happens, and she may feel she has poor concentration (baby brain) and have frayed nerves. I think you said you plan for him to be breast feed until he is two. If he has the habit of waking up in the night for comfort that will be difficult with work.

I understand why you are very upset about the 'sort of mum' comment, but I do not believe that ii was meant unpleasantly and I think she was awkward in how she explained it to the doctor, meaning perhaps, for example, you were not his aunt or a friend. Your baby is still both of yours will love you just as much.

Your part time work plan for your partner sounds a good idea and it might actually be nice for her to get away and if she has lost confidence, it might help bring it back; and it would be lovely for you to have that day with your son and give some relief from all the responsibility you are carrying alone. You are doing a lot especially as you cooking when you get home. You must be very tired too.

Did you talk about how you would share your baby and the responsibilities much before your baby was born? And did you talk about you also carrying a baby? It does sound as though seeing a counsellor might help. Having a baby puts huge stress on relationships.

I don't believe sleeping through for ds is a barrier to returning to work - neither of mine were before I went back and it was ok, I'm not doing surgery or operating heavy machinery and my work colleagues were very tolerant of the odd tiredness related gaffe, and trotted out their favourite stories of the same stages with their dc. That's life, babies and toddlers don't always sleep well and you get on with it.

The housework and stuff is a bit of a red herring here, I think. If she goes back to work, there will be enough money to pay for a cleaner.

The heart of it is whether she wants you to be as close to your child as she is. All the strategising in the world won't work if she doesn't.

Don't be so quick to dismiss the idea that you'd get EOW custody if she ended your relationship, though. All three of my friends who have separated in the last year have ended up with 50/50 (or close to it) arrangements. It's what courts are increasingly enforcing.

Well to be honest some women find their 'work drive' wanes after having a baby. Hormones, night waking, breast feeding. The whole brain can be fixated and centred on the baby. And I hate it when people say I managed doing night feeds etc. Everyone's need for sleep is different. Some people function quite well on a few decent hours, others find sleep deprivation can lead to post natal depression. I was a complete zombie for over a year with DS. Barely able to function. Was crap at work. Very difficult when this happens. I think you should suggest combining breastfeeding with the bottle (formula) so you can alternate night feeds and she can get some straight sleep. Maybe then she will see that sharing DS more fairly, allowing you a day to be with him is ok and actually good for her too.

You don't have to have counselling to improve your communication. You can research techniques to try, read books etc if you are both on board.

The trouble here is that the division of work and 1to1 time with your DS is a source of conflict. It sounds like a battle for power and territory. I think your DP is already playing power games by undermining you both at home (when dealing with DS) and in front of the Doctor.

That conflict will affect how invested you both are in improving communication, especially if you both feel like you've got a lot to "lose". That's why a neutral party could help. It would be different if you were choosing to do it, selecting your own counsellor etc rather than jumping through a hoop as a means to an end.

(((Hug)))

Emotionally it sounds beyond terrible, I just want to hug you & make it all better. It must be so hard just wanting to be with him & be Mum. It's such a primal thing & I've wondered before how two mums cope with both having that feeling. I know some Dad's feel as you do, but I'm not convinced it's exactly the same - or at least, none of them articulate it in the same way.

The comment about 'sort of mum'. Beyond horrible. Truly.

She clearly feels she carried him, she breast feeds him, she looks after him, & you're - well - just 'there'.

It sounds, to many of us, that you do the 'lions share' of all things 'domestic' - yet you say you don't? Are you sure or does she just have you convinced you don't do enough?

You sound scared of her leaving, like you'll do anything to keep her happy. That's not healthy.

What you want is to be your DS's equal Mum - that's not selfish, it's totally understandable. You BOTH need to stop thinking about you being 'second parent'.

There's no reason you wouldn't get 50/50 if you separated, so don't be running scared from that POV.

In your position I'd stick to her going back 3 days, you reduce down to 3 days. You can afford it. Your both have 2 days alone with DS, you have 2 shared days with DS & your parents have a day.

I don't care if she doesn't want to work - most of us don't, including you! If she hates that job that much then she needs to get off her arse and find another. She has an aversion to working & you need to stop pandering to it! Also, if you do end up separating this will help you get 50/50. Don't feel mean thinking about this, I'd put money on her having considered it.

Having a baby is often blamed for relationships breaking down, it's not the baby, it just highlights the cracks that have always been there.

Stop doing yourself down & start standing up for yourself.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I think before the baby came you should have agreed.

1. Shared parental leave (or at least a more even share of work/ home somehow)
2. Baby can take a bottle (or your breast)

I disagree that best for baby is breastfeeding for 2 years. Best is 2 happy parents. Best is both parents feeling important and supported. Best might be more flexible child. On the she sounds more unreasonable. It sounds tough. But sleep deprivation is so hard. I resent my DP not helping at night and we're in a similar situation. Even if she is resistant to help, get up at night, be helpful and supportive, understand what it feels like. Perhaps that would help with the 'could you do it?' comments. But it's not really about who does more housework or cooking. That's just petty. You do what you have to, for your DS, without keeping tally. If I were you I'd also insist on a day a week from now with the baby. It's not fair to be so precious about breastfeeding. He is your baby too. It's important for your bond.

It's possible to breast feed and work.

It's possible to do night wakings and work.

it looks to me as though there is jealousy and resentment on both sides, which is normal, but the mum doing the bulk of the night wakings is backtracking on fundamental agreements about returning to work and who carries the next baby too. Anybody else thinking a 9 month old does not need to be fed to sleep? I stopped offering night feeds before this point for both DC and moved to a cup. The HV said after 6 months there's no need to night feed. I was returning to work so I needed to get the baby to sleep better.

I didn't mean it like that. Breast is best. But being able to take a bottle isn't rejecting breastfeeding. I breastfed for a year but expressed so my dp could do feeds. But I still did all the nightwakings and went back to work after 6 months.

i do think the most unreasonable parts are the fundamentals: return to work, 'sort of' mum, carrying the next baby. But I still think at 9 months and getting onto a year, feeding a baby in the night is about it being nice rather than real need and if my partner felt so excluded (which he did) that he was checking out of the relationship, it's something that needs to be thought about more. BF for 2 years, but there is no absolute reason except habit that the baby must be bf at night now. Habit, routine and happiness may be a good enough reason for them but it does come at the expense of a bigger role for the other parent.

I think the breastfeeding (incl to sleep/at night) thing is mostly a red herring. All of these are things for OP to (quite understandably) fixate on due to an underlying feeling of being pushed out by her partner, anxiety that what she has been promised (a day a week as sole carer; chance to carry DC2) might not materialise, being perceived by DS, DP and wider society as a lesser parent.

BF at night can be emotionally and perhaps even nutritionally valuable to older babies, and also the nursing mother. I am glad that I didn't have anybody else to push for 'their turn' with my ebf baby/toddler/older child, not least because if they had done so id have likely been all the more stubborn about it. There are other ways of being an equal parent and even if DC bf for 2+ years that's a short period in motherhood overall.

Also, I'm perhaps being overcautious, but the family courts can be a rough place for lesbian families. I would strongly hope that a mother in OP's position (automatically considered second parent due to clinic conception together) would be treated equally with a father in terms of supported contact arrangements at 50/50 etc, but I seriously wouldn't assume it. I would seek highly specialised legal advice on that point, if I were considering going down that route. Hopefully that's an irrelevance to OP but I wanted to balance the assurances on this thread about courts likely offering OP better than EOW.

Fair enough. I'm not saying my way is best. We had similar issues, as I mentioned, with me being the only one getting up at night. But I think there are ways around the OPs partner making her feel like she's a 'sort of mum'. Considering expressing or taking one bottle of formula a day are just ideas.

i agree with cornish on the bf there are several things that could be done to mitigate the exclusivity of bf at this age if your p was willing. Mostly though, in your shoes Op, hell would freeze over before I agreed to my p being a sahp, it's senseless as you've got a flexible working schedule with 1 day off a week, a prior agreement that she'd return to work 3 days a week which is a lovely amount to work and gives her plenty of time with DS, and doesn't leave you more vulnerable to eow custody and having to pay maintenance. I'd absolutely make it a deal breaker that she returns to work personally.

Nell That's a good point, that courts could treat a lesbian family differently. I mean, I hope not, of course. And also hope it doesn't come to that for OP's family. But yes, any hint that your partner is checking out of the relationship and you should see a SHL immediately.

I coslept and breastfed my babies at night for a long time. Most of their 2 years. I found this less tiring than having them in a cot and waking to lift them. My husband didn't try to get me to stop and I've have been pissed off if he did. But it didn't stop me returning to finish my masters with DC1, having just taken 1 term off. I took a year off after DC2 and then found my full time job (academia) almost impossible to maintain alongside being the kind of parent I wanted to be. So changed paths and worked from home. So barely took any mat leave with DC3, just lowered the freelance hours I took on, and built them up again gradually.
I don't think anything needs to be 'done' about the breastfeeding unless your DP wants it to be. Breastfeeding doesn't stop women returning to work.

Pearl, I don't think there's an agreement to BF for two years, the OP was just observing that was "ideal world"

The thing is, in a partnership, each partner does some things they don't particularly want to do so that both partners get a fair crack at what they do want to do.

I'm just back at work after DS2, who is nearly 9 months old. He has finally taken a bottle after months of total refusal, which I'll be honest was quite tough on me.

For the next 3 months he's at home with his dad, who also took shared leave with DS1.

Am I overjoyed about being back at work? God no. Right now I'm hating every minute I'm away from my baby, and resenting that I'm not getting as much time with his brother as I did on mat leave.

But I'm doing it anyway, because it's the best thing for our family unit. DH gets a fair go at being the primary parent which is even make important with DS2 because we have fallen into natural 'you take the big one, I'll take the one who needs a feed' parenting patterns and he hasn't been quite as hands on with DS2 so far. It means the kids see as as equal parents and benefit from our different parenting styles and brains. I'm way better at some things than DH, and vice versa.

We've put in the work to consolidate night feeds and help self-settling which has been pretty tough but necessary to deal with wake ups every 90 minutes. Was it easier to shove my boob in his mouth? Sure, and when he's actually hungry I do that. But with gentle sleep training he's now going 4 hour stretches and is actually hungry when he wakes.

We've done this because DH has every bit as much right to be an active parent and share the time at home with the baby. I have long since recovered from birth (as much as I ever will!) and the obstacles - I'm still breastfeeding, nights are tough - are surmountable if we tackle them as a team.

Because if I told DH to fuck off, I want the year's leave and then to go very PT while he works FT (we have both reduced our hours) it would be hopelessly selfish of me.

It's also a bit silly to suggest that OP wanting to look at other ways of getting the baby to self-settle is undermining or criticising her partner breastfeeding - it's suggesting there may be other ways to get the baby sleeping better if he's waking for comfort, rather than hunger. Which would have the nice side effect of both parents getting more sleep, too. OP has just as much right to discuss how the baby sleeps.

I don't know if the courts would treat a lesbian couple differently but I would expect the division of time for a breastfed baby with its mother on ML its whole life to be tilted towards the primary carer as the status quo for the child.

She's whinging about 2 days a week! She needs to get a grip!

it could be argued it's better for the DS if he has multiple involved parties - if the current primary parent on ML goes back 2 or 3 (I'd say stick to the 3 personally that was agreed) days pw, then you have your GP and your 1 day a week Op, I think that was a great plan. If your OH gives up work, how much of a look in are the GP also going to get? There's nothing that adds up better for DS about your OH not returning to work imo given that you have a great amount of help and flexibility. If your OH was going back FT and putting DS in nursery 5 days PW, it'd be different.