Re: expectations of adult son

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I genuinely don't know. He is 20 and home from uni. Mil lives with us as she can barely stand without her zimmer. She doesn't need any personal care but we do all her meals, drinks and tablets. We don't use carers but have 3 older children, all of whom have finished college etc and between us we manage. I don't think its unreasonable to say to any of them you do nans lunch as you are at home anyway (to whoever - probably shared evenly). One of us nips home if they all have plans. I nearly always do the evening meal, dh does breakfast it usually lunch n doesnt have to be elaborate. That's all - no care, a basic meal, a drink n take tablets from a nomad n put them on her table. Don't expect them to stay home but do it when they are in anyway. We are all except eldest son going away for a fortnight shortly. He has a holiday job but the plan was always he was taking 2 weeks off, looking after Nan , dogs n other pets n getting paid for it. Sightly less than his wages but he was happy as not exactly hard work. Would also involve washing her clothes n probably other minor jobs but thats all. Much easier than his job n she didn't want carers coming in. Today though things have deteriorated to such an extent that I don't even trust him to feed the animal's. Twice this week have come home to her in tears. He burnt her lunch the other day, forgot it was in the oven, went back upstairs n then told her to stop whinging when she said it was inedible.
Similar thing today. Boiled a pan of soup almost dry, then left her to shoot back upstairs n she smashed the dish as he ignored her shouting him to take it away n get her tablets.
Aibu unreasonable to think he lives here rent free, we help him out (and so does she with an allowance) at uni? These aren't horrible strenuous chores n he can't even manage them. We are going away in 2 weeks and now having to source very expensive care (which she really didn't want) and to be honest I don't even trust him to feed the pets. I have visions of him forgetting the fish n Guinea pigs and dread what we might come home too. Am going to have to ask someone to have them. Money isn't the main issue, she has had carers before and didn't like it. To be honest I am livid with him
I feel like telling him to pay board himself now. I feel like he needs a dose of reality n we mollycoddle him. If he can help out, even when he is being paid then why should we sub him? It costs me a fortune when he us home especially in food. Aibu?

I think if you're all going on holiday and expecting him to take time off work to cover for you then you have to sub him. But I also think you need to give him a right bollocking and start charging rent.

I do have a wee bit of sympathy for him though. Coming home from the relative freedom of uni, to what sounds like a family of considerable obligation, must be pretty horrible. 20 is still a bit too young expect adult reactions to stressful situations, even if he is being a plank.

Having carers 2-3 times a day is the obvious solution since your ds will still need to be around and available at most other times. Does she have an emergency buzzer to use in case she needs help whilst alone? They are really good.

Getting carers in now will pave the way for her future needs which will only become greater. As someone said, many older people don't want to pay for carers but it's a fact of life and can keep someone at home for longer than is otherwise possible.

Set out very clearly what is expected of ds and provide the rest of the care. Being on duty 24/7 is too much but equally he does need to step up.

Good luck!

Glad you are now at least having an assessment done OP.

Write down for the agency the list that you have put on here. Do a day by day analysis. I think you will be quite shocked at how much it is to be honest.

Do not minimise to them. Also, ask DSS how he now feels about the arrangement, having been home from uni and had the chance to suss out how his grandmother really is.

Believe him too if he says he finds her difficult, challenging or even nightmarish in her demands.

Nobody is saying that he shouldn't pull his weight around the house much more because he should. Specifically caring 24/7 for grandma though is too much.

That list of things you do for her every day is large, and there IS personal care in there too if she needs help showering. This will get worse unfortunately, and you just don't know when that will happen. What if she suddenly has much more trouble getting to the toilet, getting onto it, cleaning herself and then getting off it while DSS is in sole charge? It could happen.

Also, I would personally feel awful without a shower every day. I think you really have been minimising here and this proves it. Leaving her not fully washed for a fortnight is bordering on neglect, although I appreciate that that is not your intention. DSS cannot be expected to do that, and almost certainly grandma would not want to have him doing it.

I hope you get proper arrangements in place quickly.