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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said "oh look at you saying anything to justify your existence"

102 replies

dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:09

AIBU to be upset?

I'm a sahm to a 2 and 3 year old, 3 year old has SN. Husband works full time.

I suffer from low self confidence, self esteem and possibly depression which DH knows.

This is the conversation. I was tidying up before youngest went to bed, DH was on his phone. I said "don't you help will you" in a jokey voice. He said "I'm busy entertaining our daughter". Me: "I always manage to tidy and entertain her". Him: "Well usually I do help tidy yesterday I hoovered and tidied" (he did Hoover but i tidied again before youngest went to bed as he sat and watched me). Me: "right ok even though I tidied". Him: "oh look at you anything to justify your existence" . I left it at that clearly upset, i carried on cleaning and tidying around he followed me and said he was only joking and huffed and puffed. I stayed quiet as I could feel tears and didn't want to cry in front of dd. He then kept bringing dd to me and saying "oh look mummys ignoring me, mummys mad" several times. I explained I wasn't ignoring him and was carrying on tidying trying not to get into an argument. He half apologised about 10 minutes later "if he upset me".

Maybe I'm overreacting. I already struggle with self worth and that comment made me feel like I was worthless and had no use. Aibu, shall I just get over it?

OP posts:
Buggers · 17/07/2016 22:12

I do think you should do the majority of housework if your a sahm sorry. It's not fair to expect him to do half the share of housework and work full time(if it's full time). However that was a harsh comment, he wasn't joking around was he? As you started the conversation in a jokey tone.

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2016 22:13

Ask him how he'd feel if someone at work said that to him. He sounds lazy and disrespectful and I think now's the time to tell him it's completely unacceptable. I'm angry on your behalf!

Osolea · 17/07/2016 22:13

What he said was nasty, but you made a random dig at him even if it was in a 'jokey voice' and that's never going to end well.

It sounds like there are bigger issues here, but that's quite common when you have small children and everything at home seems like it's very hard work.

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 17/07/2016 22:15

^Bullshit. With a two year old and three year old with SN and poss PND on top? Fuck that for a game of soldiers, he should be helping you out, especially on a weekend.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:15

I don't expect him to do half the housework at all.

He always masks insults with jokey tones so I'm used to hearing "it's only a joke"

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 17/07/2016 22:15

It sounds like you were looking for a fight with your 'jokey' comment and he said something nasty back, tbh.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 17/07/2016 22:16

Agree with osolea this doesn't sound like a big deal in itself but you sound stressed out and fed up generally. Any idea why your confidence is so low?

MrsKoala · 17/07/2016 22:16

What?! The OP spends the amount of time her dh is at work looking after 2 small children. Why is it not fair to expect him to do housework when he works the same hours as the OP?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 17/07/2016 22:17

Whom is it your are constantly tidying up after? Just the DCs or him as well?

His comment was uncalled for and I'd want to know exactly where that came from and why on earth he even thought it. The taking your DD over and constantly going on about mummy be g mad with him makes him sound like a twat.

Does he think he is more important because he works and you don't?

Foolscapped · 17/07/2016 22:18

Tbh, I can see exactly why you would suffer with low self-confidence if you're a SAHM to two demanding tiny children, one with SN, married to someone who seems to think you need to flag up housework in order to justify the air you breathe...

What's with all the tidying while your DH is there watching? Presumably you do the majority of the housework and all childcare while he's working, so why isn't he doing 50/50 of chores and childcare when he's at home?

Shizzlestix · 17/07/2016 22:18

I think you provoked him, quite frankly. Don't dish it if you can't take it.

toadgirl · 17/07/2016 22:19

Him: "oh look at you anything to justify your existence"

Hmm That's a low blow. Does he resent that you are a SAHM? Does he feel you are not "earning your keep" enough?

He then kept bringing dd to me and saying "oh look mummys ignoring me, mummys mad" several times

Pretty passive-aggressive, no?

He always masks insults with jokey tones

Have you other examples you should let us see? Does this happen often?

OiWithThePoodlesAlready · 17/07/2016 22:19

He was acting like a twat. It's a horrible thing to say and he obviously realises that he has upset you but his "apologies" are shite. I'd be more bothered by that than the original comment.

Is it a one off? Or does he really think like this? Having little kids is bloody hard on both parents. The occasional misjudged comment and cross word is normal but it shouldn't be a regular occurrence. Resentment builds up because everyone is so knackered. I'd leave it tonight and talk about it with him tomorrow. Tell him exactly why it upset you.

hownottofuckup · 17/07/2016 22:20

I think it was a horrible degrading comment that understandably upset you.
There's nothing wrong with you that caused it to upset you. You don't need to justify being upset by it.

KoalaDownUnder · 17/07/2016 22:20

I think 'anything to justify your existence' is a nasty thing to say, in any circumstances.

He was being an arse. And yes, he should do a decent whack of the housework.

WorraLiberty · 17/07/2016 22:21

He was harsh and he shouldn't have tried to bring your child into it either.

Mind you, it sounds like you wanted a row and you got one.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:22

I probably shouldn't have had a dig just felt Fed up today of everything. My dd has screamed all day and my ds has some sort of virus. DH had a nice little nap in the afternoon though. I feel a bit resentful that i seem to clock off a lot later than him, my ds can sometimes get up from 330am and then I'm tidying packing bags sorting washing etc until at least 8pm onwards.

No idea why my confidence is so low. I've always been shy but I feel very anxious trapped etc and feel like nobody likes who I am and that i am a waste of space at times. Bleh.

OP posts:
Permanentlyexhausted · 17/07/2016 22:23

I appreciate you're feeling low and yanbu to feel upset. However, if you really started the conversation with "don't you help will you", how on earth did you expect him to react? The "jokey voice" was just passive aggressive, and I doubt many people would take kindly to it. YANBU to expect him to help, but just ask for help next time. Trying to get him to do something by making him feel bad isn't a good idea.

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 17/07/2016 22:25

He was squarely behaving like a twat. I'm actually more annoyed at him bringing your dc to taunt you with, ok not necessarily taunt, but there's no need for him to use dc to make his point.

That said, I am incredibly terrified for all SAHMs - it seems such a precarious way of living. Even if your dh is a member of the Rothschild family, it' still precarious.

DixieNormas · 17/07/2016 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kitsa · 17/07/2016 22:27

Buggers I think you are so, so wrong.
I do think (and I say this gently as I it is something I do myself) it is better to say "I'd like some help" then come at it sideways as you did initially.

The phone thing fucks me off, my DH does it, thinks he is aware of what is going on when he isn't, he is just sat there in his own world while I work around him or care for DS while he ignores us. Really hateful thing about it is, if I ever say anything he's like "I'm not on my phone too much" or "I'm not one of those people that's on my phone all the time" it's like this bugbear thing he can't stand to be accused of and gets nasty about it so I can never ever say it EVEN THOUGH IT'S TRUE. I hate the goddamn thing.

Sorry, ranty tangent.

DixieNormas · 17/07/2016 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibobbob · 17/07/2016 22:27

He's out of order you shouldn't be the but of his jokes or nasty comments masquerading as jokes!

That wasn't a conversation in my mind he's a bully. There was no reason for him to comment to your DD about you ignoring him.

His apology wan't an apology... I'm sorry is an apology... I' m sorry if I upset you is a cop out. He knows damn well he upset you but he wouldn't let it go.

Have you been to see your GP about how you are feeling?

toadgirl · 17/07/2016 22:27

No idea why my confidence is so low. I've always been shy but I feel very anxious trapped etc and feel like nobody likes who I am and that i am a waste of space at times. Bleh

Could you try some counselling?

Handling two under-5s (one with SN) and possibly PND too is one heck of a load. Please see your GP just to check you don't need help with PND.

Sounds like you need to build yourself up a bit and learn boundaries and clearer communication with your DH without both of you resorting to little digs and winding each other up.

If your DH is in the habit of "jokey" insults, that would definitely be chipping away at your self-confidence.

Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2016 22:28

You both need to change your behaviour around your DD.

Children pick up how to communicate and Passive Aggressiveness and sarcasm is awful and destroys self esteem.

You need to speak to your DH to support you in carry out strategies to raise your self esteem.

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