DH said "oh look at you saying anything to justify your existence"

[dArtagnansCrumpet]

AIBU to be upset?

I'm a sahm to a 2 and 3 year old, 3 year old has SN. Husband works full time.

I suffer from low self confidence, self esteem and possibly depression which DH knows.

This is the conversation. I was tidying up before youngest went to bed, DH was on his phone. I said "don't you help will you" in a jokey voice. He said "I'm busy entertaining our daughter". Me: "I always manage to tidy and entertain her". Him: "Well usually I do help tidy yesterday I hoovered and tidied" (he did Hoover but i tidied again before youngest went to bed as he sat and watched me). Me: "right ok even though I tidied". Him: "oh look at you anything to justify your existence" . I left it at that clearly upset, i carried on cleaning and tidying around he followed me and said he was only joking and huffed and puffed. I stayed quiet as I could feel tears and didn't want to cry in front of dd. He then kept bringing dd to me and saying "oh look mummys ignoring me, mummys mad" several times. I explained I wasn't ignoring him and was carrying on tidying trying not to get into an argument. He half apologised about 10 minutes later "if he upset me".

Maybe I'm overreacting. I already struggle with self worth and that comment made me feel like I was worthless and had no use. Aibu, shall I just get over it?

Using your children to berate you is a major, major red flag OP. It's emotionally abusive towards you and them Please consider phoning Women's Aid or similar to talk through all this, his behaviour isn't normal. He sounds like a bully.

From experience it will only get worse if you continue to SAH. I had "don't ever think that running around after the kids and doing stuff around the home is as important as my job" and last year I was told to go jump off a cliff famous locally as a suicide spot (I had never made suicide threats or entertained the thought). Now that I am out of the house I've had complaints about housework/kids getting neglected/not coming to bed on time(because working). I sound a lot like you OP - have you had little digs about what you studied etc?

How was your self-esteem and confidence before you met your husband?

Similarly, how have they changed since you had your children?

I think he sounds very resentful of the fact that you do not do paid work outside of the home. Does he not like his job, or perhaps resents the drop in income since you became a SAHM ?

Living with someone who is supposed to be your support, your rock, but who in fact chips away slowly and sneakily at your sense of well being is extremely damaging. The part of your post that really jumped out at me was where you spoke of possible depression etc "which DH knows."

If he knows this, his behaviour is even more obnoxious. He sounds like one of those immature men who can't cope with the fact that he now has to share his wife and life with two young children. Instead of seeing you all as one unit, with him as an equal part, he sees himself as top dog but he's had his nose put out of joint.

I think you have to really lay it on the line with him. Nobody has to justify their existence. If you had an accident and couldn't work for a couple of years would he expect you to justify your existence then ?

Personally I'd stop doing his washing, ironing, cooking him meals etc. Tell him you're sick of his attitude, will no longer tolerate using your children as a device to mock or hurt you, and to bloody well grow up. Quite frankly he sounds like a bully.

Can you just give yourself half a day each weekend to yourself? Go for a walk, go to the cinema for a couple of hours, remind yourself how it feels to be you for a little while, without constantly having to put your DCs first? Your DH gets all week at work to be himself. It is only fair that you get some time too. It might surprise you how much of a difference it makes to your levels of stress!

What utter rubbish.

OP, YES to trying to spend a few hours a week getting some quality me time. Absolutely NO to ever thinking this is what your DH has at work. Work is work whether you are out of the home being paid, or at home looking after kids. Work is not me-time just because it doesn't involve children. Both of you should be able to get a few free hours a week.

His comment was totally harsh. Write down the cost of a nanny, cleaner, cook and laundry service at the number of house you do, calculate the total and tell him that it's not a case of justifing your exsistance, he should be celebrating it.

He should split the house hold chores outside of work time.

Clutching at straws, but how are his interpersonal skills generally?

Does he lack emotional intelligence?

Are his 'jokes' his idea (even though offensive) of a sense of humour?

Does he think you're 'sponging' off him by any chance? Do make sure when you find a job that he does his share of the housework/childcare, just so he realises that it wasn't the fairies doing it all.

Oh and I don't care if he was provoked, that was a bloody nasty thing to say and he knew it.

if someone said that to me he would have got something thrown at him

ok ok maybe not in front of dcs but still how rotten

has he ever looked after the kids himself for a whole day-then see how easy he thinks it all is

Pass me his lunch box OP. I'll help you out...

He's a cunt OP sorry to sound blunt
YADNBU

he's a gaslighter.

He sounds awful. But it does sound like you have got into a cycle of both making passive agressive comments 'in a jokey' way, that are not in a joke way at all.

I would really seeking some counselling for you and maybe as a couple. But definitely for you if he won't go.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html

Take a look at this^^

Horrible comment but probably just said defensively. You both sound knackered. Your initial comment probably came out of the blue in his eyes too.
In general though, if tidying is pissing you off that much, at that point, don't do it. Just stop. I quite regularly will just leave things if I feel resentful or tired. You sound like you'd had enough and needed a break; just give yourself one.

It seems he didn't mean it to sound so offensive but still he should consider your feelings before he says things. It's not right he's talking through your children as they may grow up resenting him for it . You definitely 100 percent deserve your life! Your children need you massively and always will. They love you for who you are and although they may not show it, appreciate everything you do for them.

You are relatively new parents. Making that transition from being a couple to a family is a hard adjustment as is making the transition from both working outside the home to having just one partner earning. Lots of people struggle with this change.

I would really recommend couples counselling - not because there is anything inherently 'wrong' with your relationship, but to help you come to terms with your new lifestyle and roles.

What Permanentlyexhausted said re work. I do get a bit fed up at all the framing of work on here as some kind of luxurious break. Many, if not most jobs are bloody hard, at least in part. I wouldn't want to do my dh's job. (And I've been a sole-earner WOHM as well as various combinations of P with dh and now have a holy-grail P WFH job when not on mat leave, so I've seen this from all sides).

OP - he doesn't sound nice, his comment was horrific, and his involvement of the children in your disputes really not on at all, but a couple of things jumped out at me. You say you're waiting for a job you enjoy to come up - does he enjoy his job? You also sound like you do a lot of tidying - I have 3 dc, youngest a mobile baby, admittedly no SN but tidying isn't that enormous a job. The main mess is made by the 2 dc I have who are old enough, theoretically, to clear up after themselves.

I agree with those who said you were clearly spoiling for a fight, and think this must mean that the resentment has built up between you. Counselling - for you first of all, perhaps later couples - would be a good idea. It may, of course, be that you really can't do right for doing wrong with him, in which case your counselling might take you in the direction of considering your future with him.

" just want to apply for jobs I'll enjoy instead of something I don't want to do which he suggested"

Does he enjoy his work?

'P' in my post ^ should say PT.

Hadn't really noted the work thing. What has he suggested and what would you like to do? What would you do for childcare? Are you struggling financially?

When both parents are in the house the jobs would be 50/50. He might work all day in the office but you work all day at home.

Using your child to score points is disgusting.

Get yourself to the doctor. I wonder if your depression would ease if you weren't being belittled all the time.

Poor you, that behaviour is unacceptable.
I would ask him to tell you what he thinks you should do with your life, write down what you want to do in your life, eg, work, help, time out, date night, ( coz he ain't getting any until he can be nice!! 😂😂)
You MUST, MUST, talk this out, I can see this is going to be a downward spiral, until you both go your own ways.

It always amazes me why women still put up with medievil opinions from men, in some households it still goes on..... Do what I say! I'm not happy with you! Your not pulling your weight, Expecting.......a sex goddess, cordon bleu cook, housekeeper, lone child carer, cocktail ready when he comes through the door. Putting you down, down, down!
What are you? A Stepford wife??????
How bloody dare they, who gave them permission to make you feel like sh*t.
SO......
From now on, do what pleases you, write everything down that you want to achieve in your future life, with paid help if needed, think of your wellbeing, your health, most importantly your SANITY...

By the way, tell him that you have found a job that is night work, make him believe that you really want to do it, Hee! Hee!
Also find out childcare prices, it will be a shock to him.
Good luck, be strong.

If i ask him to help hell always say I'm a minute or it never gets done

Another passive-aggressive trick, I'm afraid.

• The man who acts passive but aggressively gets his own way by not doing what is wanted.

*Anyone in the family who creatively gets out of doing his or her part of the chores.

*The Mr. Nice Guy who puts on the sweet face to agree, then does what he darn well pleases.

Every time I say I'm feeling low or Fed up hell say "well go to work then that'll sort you out"

Yeah, because the stress of arranging childcare and starting a new job is a time-honoured way of curing PND

Or like even if i go for a wee before we set off hell say comments like "oh mummys going to the toilet mummys going to make us late" rather than talk to me directly

So what does he want? That you don't relieve your bladder and stay uncomfortable during your journey?

Maybe you'd have been ready earlier if he did something to help instead of spending the time making smart-alecky comments to you through your DC

That must be infuriating!