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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said "oh look at you saying anything to justify your existence"

102 replies

dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:09

AIBU to be upset?

I'm a sahm to a 2 and 3 year old, 3 year old has SN. Husband works full time.

I suffer from low self confidence, self esteem and possibly depression which DH knows.

This is the conversation. I was tidying up before youngest went to bed, DH was on his phone. I said "don't you help will you" in a jokey voice. He said "I'm busy entertaining our daughter". Me: "I always manage to tidy and entertain her". Him: "Well usually I do help tidy yesterday I hoovered and tidied" (he did Hoover but i tidied again before youngest went to bed as he sat and watched me). Me: "right ok even though I tidied". Him: "oh look at you anything to justify your existence" . I left it at that clearly upset, i carried on cleaning and tidying around he followed me and said he was only joking and huffed and puffed. I stayed quiet as I could feel tears and didn't want to cry in front of dd. He then kept bringing dd to me and saying "oh look mummys ignoring me, mummys mad" several times. I explained I wasn't ignoring him and was carrying on tidying trying not to get into an argument. He half apologised about 10 minutes later "if he upset me".

Maybe I'm overreacting. I already struggle with self worth and that comment made me feel like I was worthless and had no use. Aibu, shall I just get over it?

OP posts:
windygales · 17/07/2016 22:29

Kitsa- snap! He really gets offended when I say he's on his phone all the time! It's actually breaking us up! He's on his phone all the time

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:30

Oh I forgot to mention after he said the thing about my existence he was saying "you won't go to work" (I'm looking btw just want to apply for jobs I'll enjoy instead of something I don't want to do which he suggested)

If i ask him to help hell always say I'm a minute or it never gets done and I cant stand the mess, like he dumps his clothes at the side of the washing basket and I've told him and he still does it argh.

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 17/07/2016 22:32

His comment was stupid and hurtful but you made two pretty passive aggressive comments at the start to him. Those would have wound me up. He has tried to apologise and although you feel you aren't, you are trying to block him out because you feel hurt. Try to talk with him to get this resolved as it's really upsetting for you the longer it goes on.

toadgirl · 17/07/2016 22:33

Oh I forgot to mention after he said the thing about my existence he was saying "you won't go to work"

Does he realise he'll have to get off his phone and help a lot MORE if you go to work FT?

I think you need to check you are not depressed before you pile on an FT job on top of everything else you've got going in.

Does sound like he resents you being at home, hence the mean comment.

BTW, you don't need to justify your existence to anyone. I'd have thought being his wife and mother of his two children should be more than enough to "justify" yourself to this man.

kaitlinktm · 17/07/2016 22:34

I hate it when parents involve their children in their disagreements - for this alone YANBU. However, both of you just need to say clearly what you want/need - then it is up to the other to refuse and explain why.

Why is it unreasonable for you to want an equal amount of down time? It isn't. Next time he implies that you are worthless - why not ask him how much he thinks would it cost to employ a nanny and cleaner for a start?

Muskateersmummy · 17/07/2016 22:34

It sounds to me like one of those tit for tat jokey but actually quite veiled barbed kind of conversations that was never going to end well. I think you both need to have a long chat about expectations of each other. Have a proper conversation not little digs at one another.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:36

Thank you for all your comments. I'm trying to respond to them all but sorry if i miss anyone.

I've tried to develop communication strategies with him but he always has these digs hidden behind jokes. He never says how he feels normally. We've talked and he's done it for a bit but then gone back again.

Maybe i do need some help with pnd I've had it quite bad since dd was born but got on with it tbh I don't want to trouble anyone

OP posts:
Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:39

Every time I say I'm feeling low or Fed up hell say "well go to work then that'll sort you out" like it's that simple he isn't interested in understanding me iykwim

OP posts:
toadgirl · 17/07/2016 22:40

I've tried to develop communication strategies with him but he always has these digs hidden behind jokes. He never says how he feels normally. We've talked and he's done it for a bit but then gone back again

You need to get this sorted. Soon after you start getting help for PND.

Try Relate or whatever counselling is available to you that is within your budget. You are trying and failing to communicate effectively with each other. This cannot continue especially as it will start to effect the children.

Maybe i do need some help with pnd I've had it quite bad since dd was born but got on with it tbh I don't want to trouble anyone

Please don't think like this! You ARE worth it. Do it for your children. Do it for your marriage. But most of all DO IT FOR YOU. There's no shame whatsoever in getting help. You have as much right to exist as anyone else on this planet. Make an appointment with your GP tomorrow!

You can do this, OP! Flowers

bluemaid · 17/07/2016 22:42

I think involving your child in this is even more horrible than what he said! What does the child learn from this? "Ignoring" means something where someone looks upset? It's ok to hurt mummy and then go and make more horrible comments to her?

BeenThereTooSEL · 17/07/2016 22:43

Ask him "is your putting me down making you feel better?"

When he looks flabbergasted elaborate further "I enable you to work etc because I don't need justification of money as a balance of my self worth"

If that doesn't work shit in his lunch box...

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 17/07/2016 22:48

dixie I have. Each to their own however - live and let live but imo it's more precarious than an elephant laying on a hammock.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:49

toadgirl Thank you. I wish DH could say this to me, i just want to feel worthy and loved he just makes me feel like an inconvenience tbh

I try to avoid arguing in front of dc as it's all I saw as a child.

beenthere lol I might just do that

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 17/07/2016 22:51

Was it a joint decision for you to be a sahm? It sounds like he might not be happy with it. If neither of you feels the other pulls their weight, maybe you should go back to work.you could then split the chores equally.sounds like you both feel hard done by- being a sahm has challenges, but so does being the sole earner

YeOldMa · 17/07/2016 22:51

If that doesn't work shit in his lunch box...

Best advice ever Smile

wombthereitis · 17/07/2016 22:51

Agree with bluemaid, trying to involve your child in your argument is completely out of order and likely to be very damaging to her if she's exposed to behaviour like that repeatedly. I'm not sure I could be with a man who did something like that Confused

andintothefire · 17/07/2016 22:55

It sounds like you are struggling to cope with a lot at the moment. He behaved badly and was very unsupportive. You know you shouldn't have made a comment that was probably construed as very passive-aggressive, but I really feel for you. People don't understand what it is like to be suffering from depression and low self esteem, and saying that somebody should get a job (when you are looking but quite understandably probably struggle to focus on it with everything else) is really unhelpful.

Is there any way you can take the pressure off yourself somehow? It sounds as though you really need more time to look after yourself. Does all the tidying really need to be done? Can you find a way to confine the mess to one room so that at least at the weekend you get time off? Can you cook less etc? I don't know your situation at all but I think you really need more of a break each week!

Perhaps you also need some quality time with your DH to sit down and talk calmly and honestly about how you are feeling and how he can support you in practical ways.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:55

He often talks through the dc.

For example: say if we are going somewhere and I'm deemed to be too slow hell say "tell mummy to get a move on" poor example hope you understand what I mean!

OP posts:
andintothefire · 17/07/2016 22:57

Ps you clearly are suffering from low self esteem by the way - I find it really sad that you feel you don't want to bother anyone about your PND. You deserve support and care just as much as anyone else in the world.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 22:57

Or like even if i go for a wee before we set off hell say comments like "oh mummys going to the toilet mummys going to make us late" rather than talk to me directly Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 17/07/2016 23:03

Thank you Fire I shouldn't have made that comment I know but asking him directly doesn't work and I felt Fed up but i know I was wrong.

I don't go mad on cleaning it's just the general toy toddler mess end of day clear up I was referring to originally. My ds especially is very flighty and destructive.

I feel guilty if i ever go out anywhere without the dc as it's "my job" to care for them.

Yes I feel other people need doctors help much more than me, i feel I manage most of the time Smile

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 17/07/2016 23:04

Ugh, the involving the child thing is an issue in itself, horrible thing to do. Are you sure your depression and lack of confidence are separate fro him? I think they might be connected.

I understand if he wants you to work but will he really do 50:50 on childcare and housework?

andintothefire · 17/07/2016 23:07

Can you just give yourself half a day each weekend to yourself? Go for a walk, go to the cinema for a couple of hours, remind yourself how it feels to be you for a little while, without constantly having to put your DCs first? Your DH gets all week at work to be himself. It is only fair that you get some time too. It might surprise you how much of a difference it makes to your levels of stress!

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast · 17/07/2016 23:12

Oh my love
I have been here
( divorced now .. Hey ho )

Yes you were passive aggressive by sounds of it . Prob not going get anything other than a self defensive response out of him

You have really tough job going on there

Ooh .. See what I said there ?
I used the word job
That's right
You do a job
A tough hard job
You stay home with no lunch breaks or putting on nice clothes and lipstick and look after 2 young children . And you certainly do not do it 9-5 !
Toughest job I ever did

Suggestion ?
Can you afford a cleaner once a week ?one a fortnight ? I know you still,end up doing loads of ,au dry and cooking and hovering etc but it helped me a lot . Just 2 or 3 hours to take the strain off

And maybe a date night babysitter ? Couple times a month ? Go sit in the pub and talk about other stuff than kids ? Put on your glad rags ?
Didn't work for me ( he was sadly just a twat but that's another story )

Any other nice local mums you can meet for play dates? I know you are shy and I myself had all my self confidence zapped by becoming a mum for some time and I am not especially shy I think. But there are lots nice mums out there in same boat as you I found

Huge hug to you
Very huge

P s never ever underestimate what lack of sleep can do to you
He could do one night a week and you go sleep in spare room with ear plugs maybe ? On a weekend ? Or share

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast · 17/07/2016 23:13

So sorry
Pressed send to early
I meant laundry and hoovering
X

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